Erin Akin Carroll

Without embarrassing the Twitter friend who prompted this post, I thought I would set the record straight today about my life and the person I am. I apologize to anyone who ever got the wrong impression.

• I don’t get dressed every day. I don’t put on make up every day. I hope my husband thinks I’m sexy.
• I wash my hair twice a week. Fortunately, I was cursed blessed with thick hair that doesn’t need to be washed daily. But still. I don’t wash my hair every day.
• My children are not always dressed cute. Some days they wear their pajamas all day, too!
• I swear. Not in front of my kids and not in public. But at home when I stump my toe or my water boils over or when Hayes wakes up every hour on the hour for no particular reason.
• I also have road rage. I have been known to reach over from the passenger seat while TC is driving just to blow the horn at someone because he doesn’t like to do it.
• I am impatient. If I want something done, I want it done right then or I’m going to stomp off and do it myself. Probably just to prove a point. And I’ll probably trip and fall on the way because that’s what happens when you make an idiot of yourself.
• I watch bad TV and get really into it.
• I’m super competitive and hate feeling like I lost at something. Even if it wasn’t something that I should have been competing for.
• I have pretty good intuition when it comes to meeting new people. I’m not the most trusting person in the world and can be very cautious.
• But I also tell some people way too much information.
• Ummm hello I tell way too much information on this blog.
• I try to be forgiving and try not to hold grudges against people who have hurt me in the past, but that’s not always how it works out.
• I say mean things about people I see that I don’t know based on what they’re wearing.
• I say mean things about people’s children that are misbehaving and make my kid cry!

So, I apologize to any of you that got the wrong impression of me over these past few years. I try to show you all the good with the bad on this blog. But I do try to keep it clean for the most part.

If you could all have the misfortune of coming to my house to sit and chat with me while I watch the Real Housewives of Where Ever and sip a glass of Santa Margherita, you may see a side of me that doesn’t always come out when I’m blogging about my day.

I do love the Lord and try, try, try to be the best person I can be. But I fail. A lot.

God knocks you down and humbles you! No, it’s true.

I don’t think I deserve a medal when my 2 year old behaves or when my 9 week old sleeps through the night. But it does make me feel pretty darn good. Because the days when Hudson is being particularly disobedient or when Hayes doesn’t sleep well, I think, “I am failing. I am doing something wrong.” Being a mom is tough on the ego, I tell ya.

Last week, I posted some goals to get more organized- especially with meal planning and grocery shopping. So this weekend, while Todd was out of town, I planned our meals for the week and did all of our grocery shopping. I handled Monday’s supper on Sunday night. I had everything lined up to handle tonight’s supper today while the boys were napping.

I laid out all of our clothes for this morning and made Hayes’s bottles ahead of time. We all got dressed and out the door. Hudson has swim lessons this week, so Hayes and I sit and watch/sweat to death while Hudson swims. I was feeling pretty darn good. Not quite Super Mom, but definitely like I had my stuff together… finally!

Hudson had a great lesson, and then when it was time to go, he decided he wanted to take the blue pool ring home with him. You know those pool toys that you dive down to the bottom to bring back up. He wanted to take the blue one home. I was carrying the pool bag and I had Hayes in the crook of my elbow in his carrier. I was holding Hudson’s hand trying to keep him from taking a flying leap into the pool. He picked up the ring, but I told him he needed to leave it at the pool so he could play with it tomorrow.

He wasn’t having it. Cue the melt down of all melt downs. He collapsed and kicked and screamed. And I know he was so tired from his lesson. But I couldn’t pick him up and just run to the car because I had Hayes! And I’m trying to hold onto his hand without dragging him across the concrete and skinning his legs!

Can you be embarrassed even if no one sees? There was no one around to witness this, but I was embarrassed!

I managed to get Hudson to the car and Hayes to the car. They both got buckled in and I used the towel to dry my face from the insane amounts of sweat. The heat index is 110 degrees today. It’s too hot to be wrestling a toddler outside.

(Before anyone asks… Yes, I do discipline Hudson. And I did then, too.)

I let him watch a movie on the way home and then, of course, he didn’t want to get out of the car because he wanted to watch The Jungle Book. Duh, Erin! So he proceeds to collapse in the driveway and in our front yard as we made our way into the house. It’s just so hard to be a toddler.

I sent him to his room with his lovie to calm down while I fed Hayes. I fixed Hudson some lunch and went to get him. He told me he did want some tortellini and fruit and thanked me when I put him in his high chair.

Then he looked at me and while he choked back what was left of his previous tears, he said, “I’m sorry, Mommy.”

And so he couldn’t see the tears building up in my eyes, I hugged him and kissed his cheek. And told him I loved him.

Gah! This motherhood stuff is hard. But moments like that can be so rewarding.

We have our set backs and we’re constantly reminded that we don’t have all the answers and we don’t even know what we’re doing most of the time. But instinct and love help us cope with the melt downs and embarrassing moments when you’re convinced that everyone on your street knows that your toddler wanted to stay in the car to watch The Jungle Book.

And I just think that God wants to humble us so we remember that He has the answers. He wants to remind us to look to him for guidance in all of our relationships– especially the ones where we’re trying to raise Godly children.

So here’s the thing… Casey Anthony? I hate to beat a dead horse that the blog world has sufficiently killed with endless posts and tweets about this topic. Especially when the blog world has expressed so many different opinions on the trial and the verdict. But this is something I can’t get out of my head. And I think I have the answer as to why I’ve been so interested and fascinated with the trial.

I know my judgment of Casey Anthony and the kind of mother she was is based solely on what I’ve seen on Dateline and what the prosecution presented. And because I do not know her personally, I can only say that this is all just my opinion based on what I’ve seen. And honestly? My opinion on this means jack squat. But I can’t stop thinking about it, so I need to write about it.

Do you see this little boy? His smile, his tears, his laughs, and his whines. The funny things he says and even his temper tantrums. Every single thing about him is my world. My heart. My life. My everything.

Every night, after watching the trial, all I could think about is how much better my life is because Hudson came into this world. I feel the same way about sweet Hayes, obviously. But Hudson made me a mother and Hudson is around the same age that Caylee Anthony was when she died.

My judgment of Casey Anthony means nothing and it may not even be accurate. And I’m certainly not trying to stir up a debate. But a child died. And that child was probably just as adorable and hilarious as I think my child is. And that just makes me sad.

I end every single day hugging that precious boy of mine and wishing he could always sleep so peacefully and that he will always feel safe, loved, and protected. And I pray that every child in this world can feel those same things. Every child deserves a warm bed and to have someone read to him or her every night. No child should be ignored in favor of a fun night out or even just to take time to clear out your email inbox. Their little lives are so precious and their innocence is so short-lived.

All I know is that this face means everything to me and I would fall apart if anything ever happened to him. And that is why I was so fascinated with this case.