Erin Akin Carroll

Lawrence Welk, dancing babies, and trumpets

Feb72013

Thank you so much for your encouraging words and emails yesterday. I really appreciated those of you who shared your stories of loss, as well. One of the reasons I continue to blog is because of the connections we can all make with people we otherwise wouldn’t have the opportunity to “know.” I wasn’t sure if I would share this story on my blog or not, but I’m glad that I did, if only for the chance to connect others with similar experiences.

I’m so thankful for God’s goodness. I trust His plan completely. My peace and hope come from Him alone, and that is such a huge source of comfort to me.

Today, I wanted to share just a couple of funny videos that I took on my phone when we were visiting my parents after Christmas. I finally put them on You Tube and they just make me giggle.

When we were at KK and Poppie’s house, we happened to turn the TV past the Lawrence Welk Show. Hayes and Hudson love music, and Hayes is still at the fun age where he completely lacks self awareness and is willing to dance his little tail off whenever the mood strikes him.

He absolutely loved the Lawrence Welk Show. I’m sure that will be a statement he’ll be trying to live down for many years, but we loved watching him watch the show.

My dad played the trumpet for a long time, and still has his trumpet. Hudson is fascinated by instruments. So when my dad got his trumpet out for Hudson to see, Hudson was so excited to try to play it.

We were just impressed that he was able to make a sound!

our story of loss

Filed Under: Faith

Feb62013

Back when we sold our house and were telling our friends that we were moving in with Nana, I can’t even count how many times we heard people say, “At least you’re not pregnant.”

And we’d just laugh. Because it was true. We were moving our family of four and our two dogs in with Todd’s 90 year old grandmother. Adding another family member to that mix would surely put us in the category of “wearing out our welcome.”

Then just about three weeks ago, I took a pregnancy test, and it was positive.

I was almost two weeks late, and Todd and I had been joking about how we should just wait for me to take a pregnancy test. So we put it off for as long as we could, but I had this major pull one day when I drove past the CVS. So I ran in, grabbed a test, and brought it home.

I waited for Todd to come home and told him that I’d bought a test.

You see, we had talked about having a third child, but we always said that we’d try when we got ourselves settled into a house. At this point we hadn’t even made the decision to build a house.

So we decided that I’d take the test when the boys went to bed. We held each other and prayed that no matter the result (although we both already knew in our gut) we thanked God for trusting us to take care of the wonderful children we’ve been given and praised Him for the possibility of another. That no matter how scared we might be in that moment, we were just so thankful.

I went to take the test and within about five seconds the two little lines indicating a positive test showed up. I walked out and showed Todd. He laughed and I cried.

We decided that due to our living circumstances, we should keep the pregnancy a secret for as long as possible. I got online and used a due date calculator to determine that I was already nearly seven weeks along.

I called the doctor the next day to schedule an appointment to come in around nine weeks.

And then that night things changed. As quickly as they began. At first I thought it might just be no big deal, but then it was undeniably a very big deal.

I went to the doctor for blood work, because it was still too early to detect a heart beat in an ultrasound. I had to wait two days to come back for more blood work to see if my hormone levels were doubling or going down. And then I had to wait over a long weekend for the results.

After the first appointment, I broke down and called my mom. I had held it together and tried to convince myself that it was nothing and it was no big deal up to that point. But as soon as I heard her voice, I lost it and just sobbed into the phone. And I probably just let myself cry for a good fifteen minutes.

And then the following Monday, it was confirmed that I had a miscarriage. It was early and no procedures were needed.

But it was heart breaking.

As soon as I took the test, I put this little person in our lives. I thought of us as a family of five. I saw a lifetime with this baby.

I imagined holding him or her. This was a member of our family. I could very vividly picture the first time I’d get to see his or her face. I had planned not to find out the sex of the baby. I knew what the due date would be. I imagined him or her playing with Hudson and Hayes. I dreamed of high school and play dates and all the friends I know who would have children the same age. My little person’s lifetime flashed before my eyes and stayed in my heart as soon as I saw those two little lines.

The feeling of loss has overwhelmed me. This is my little person and Todd’s little person. This is my boys’ brother or sister. I saw the life and the love and the future, and it was real.

My rowdy boys kept me very busy and kept my mind off of everything that week. It was about as painless as it could be.

So we’ve been drawing nearer and nearer to the Lord. I’m very sad and still very, very busy being a mother and a wife. Todd and I have praised Him in this trial. Because we have to look at everything and every hardship as an advantage to the Kingdom. We have to consider it joy, though I still cry when I think of it. I’m considering it joy.

Thank you for letting me share this piece of our story with you.

the weekend of sickies

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Feb42013

We had a really quiet weekend around here.

On Friday night, Todd and I went to dinner with some of our friends that we hadn’t seen in a really long time. We had a blast catching up over dinner. But we got a call from Todd’s dad that Hayes had gotten sick at dinner.

So we went to check on Hayes. His grandparents had gotten him cleaned up and put to bed. He was in good spirits and slept great that night.

But around midnight, we woke up to the sound of Hudson crying. And he had gotten sick, too. We spent most of the night up with Hudson trying to keep him comfortable. Changing and washing sheets and changing his clothes. Our house fell victim to the stomach bug of 2013 and I just felt so bad for the boys.

On Saturday, I worked my Clean Sweep for Junior League early that morning and then went to get some crackers and ginger ale for Hudson. He had a much better day, and neither boy got sick that day.

But they spent all day Saturday and Sunday at home, just making sure they were feeling great and not contagious before being exposed to others.

Todd and I felt pretty crummy today, and we’re praying that it doesn’t get much worse.

At some point on Friday, I completely lost my voice and it didn’t return until about mid-way through the day on Sunday. Not having a voice can be so frustrating.

But it also made me think a lot about using my words carefully. I’ve touched on this before, but when you don’t have a voice, you know you need to save your voice for when you really need it. So I did my best not to talk most of the weekend except when I absolutely had to.

And so I’m going to try to carry that with me this week, with a perfectly fine voice. I don’t want to speak too much “noise” into my family’s day, and don’t want to do it with my online relationships either.

If you follow me on Instagram, you’ve seen all of these pictures already, but these are just tidbits from our lazy weekend at home while we all recovered from the sickies.

My sweet baby just doing his best to distract himself from the sickies.

When we took this picture, he said, “Oh my gosh!” Ha! This is his “oh my gosh” face.

He loves his “Melmo” slippers.

Sweet little Hudson was so sad on Saturday. He just kept saying, “I think I’m feeling better. I don’t want to be sick anymore.” On Saturday afternoon he had a bit of a fever, but he was back to his happy self by that evening.

Hudson’s favorite bed time book is his Zonderkids Beginner’s Bible . His favorite story lately has been the story of John the Baptist. Hudson thinks he’s funny “because he eats honey and bugs.” John the Baptist was an interesting guy. I love getting to see the Bible stories through Hudson’s eyes and seeing which stories he thinks are the most interesting.

I hope you all had a great weekend. We’re looking forward to a good week and looking forward to being healthy this week!

reads for your weekend

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Feb22013

These are just a few of my favorite posts from this week (or last week) around the blogsophere. They’re inspiring me and encouraging me and they’re life-giving. I hope you enjoy them, too!

In which I am damaged goods by Sarah Bessey at A Deeper Story

be mine: vday paper picks ’13 by Kate (this one isn’t exactly from this week, but I wanted to share her cute Valentine’s Day finds)

Valentine’s Treat Bags for Toddlers by According to Nina

What to do when a conversation drags you down by Holley Gerth

And under that same category of being a light to others and giving life to others, this post is another great one

Our Team Speaks Life by Jessi Connolly over at The Influence Network Blog

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