Back when we sold our house and were telling our friends that we were moving in with Nana, I can’t even count how many times we heard people say, “At least you’re not pregnant.”
And we’d just laugh. Because it was true. We were moving our family of four and our two dogs in with Todd’s 90 year old grandmother. Adding another family member to that mix would surely put us in the category of “wearing out our welcome.”
Then just about three weeks ago, I took a pregnancy test, and it was positive.
I was almost two weeks late, and Todd and I had been joking about how we should just wait for me to take a pregnancy test. So we put it off for as long as we could, but I had this major pull one day when I drove past the CVS. So I ran in, grabbed a test, and brought it home.
I waited for Todd to come home and told him that I’d bought a test.
You see, we had talked about having a third child, but we always said that we’d try when we got ourselves settled into a house. At this point we hadn’t even made the decision to build a house.
So we decided that I’d take the test when the boys went to bed. We held each other and prayed that no matter the result (although we both already knew in our gut) we thanked God for trusting us to take care of the wonderful children we’ve been given and praised Him for the possibility of another. That no matter how scared we might be in that moment, we were just so thankful.
I went to take the test and within about five seconds the two little lines indicating a positive test showed up. I walked out and showed Todd. He laughed and I cried.
We decided that due to our living circumstances, we should keep the pregnancy a secret for as long as possible. I got online and used a due date calculator to determine that I was already nearly seven weeks along.
I called the doctor the next day to schedule an appointment to come in around nine weeks.
And then that night things changed. As quickly as they began. At first I thought it might just be no big deal, but then it was undeniably a very big deal.
I went to the doctor for blood work, because it was still too early to detect a heart beat in an ultrasound. I had to wait two days to come back for more blood work to see if my hormone levels were doubling or going down. And then I had to wait over a long weekend for the results.
After the first appointment, I broke down and called my mom. I had held it together and tried to convince myself that it was nothing and it was no big deal up to that point. But as soon as I heard her voice, I lost it and just sobbed into the phone. And I probably just let myself cry for a good fifteen minutes.
And then the following Monday, it was confirmed that I had a miscarriage. It was early and no procedures were needed.
But it was heart breaking.
The feeling of loss has overwhelmed me. This is my little person and Todd’s little person. This is my boys’ brother or sister. I saw the life and the love and the future, and it was real.
My rowdy boys kept me very busy and kept my mind off of everything that week. It was about as painless as it could be.
So we’ve been drawing nearer and nearer to the Lord. I’m very sad and still very, very busy being a mother and a wife. Todd and I have praised Him in this trial. Because we have to look at everything and every hardship as an advantage to the Kingdom. We have to consider it joy, though I still cry when I think of it. I’m considering it joy.
Thank you for letting me share this piece of our story with you.