our story of loss

Back when we sold our house and were telling our friends that we were moving in with Nana, I can’t even count how many times we heard people say, “At least you’re not pregnant.”

And we’d just laugh. Because it was true. We were moving our family of four and our two dogs in with Todd’s 90 year old grandmother. Adding another family member to that mix would surely put us in the category of “wearing out our welcome.”

Then just about three weeks ago, I took a pregnancy test, and it was positive.

I was almost two weeks late, and Todd and I had been joking about how we should just wait for me to take a pregnancy test. So we put it off  for as long as we could, but I had this major pull one day when I drove past the CVS. So I ran in, grabbed a test, and brought it home.

I waited for Todd to come home and told him that I’d bought a test.

You see, we had talked about having a third child, but we always said that we’d try when we got ourselves settled into a house. At this point we hadn’t even made the decision to build a house.

So we decided that I’d take the test when the boys went to bed. We held each other and prayed that no matter the result (although we both already knew in our gut) we thanked God for trusting us to take care of the wonderful children we’ve been given and praised Him for the possibility of another. That no matter how scared we might be in that moment, we were just so thankful.

I went to take the test and within about five seconds the two little lines indicating a positive test showed up. I walked out and showed Todd. He laughed and I cried.

We decided that due to our living circumstances, we should keep the pregnancy a secret for as long as possible. I got online and used a due date calculator to determine that I was already nearly seven weeks along.

I called the doctor the next day to schedule an appointment to come in around nine weeks.

And then that night things changed. As quickly as they began. At first I thought it might just be no big deal, but then it was undeniably a very big deal.

I went to the doctor for blood work, because it was still too early to detect a heart beat in an ultrasound. I had to wait two days to come back for more blood work to see if my hormone levels were doubling or going down. And then I had to wait over a long weekend for the results.

After the first appointment, I broke down and called my mom. I had held it together and tried to convince myself that it was nothing and it was no big deal up to that point. But as soon as I heard her voice, I lost it and just sobbed into the phone. And I probably just let myself cry for a good fifteen minutes.

And then the following Monday, it was confirmed that I had a miscarriage. It was early and no procedures were needed.

But it was heart breaking.

As soon as I took the test, I put this little person in our lives. I thought of us as a family of five. I saw a lifetime with this baby.
I imagined holding him or her. This was a member of our family. I could very vividly picture the first time I’d get to see his or her face. I had planned not to find out the sex of the baby. I knew what the due date would be. I imagined him or her playing with Hudson and Hayes. I dreamed of high school and play dates and all the friends I know who would have children the same age. My little person’s lifetime flashed before my eyes and stayed in my heart as soon as I saw those two little lines.

The feeling of loss has overwhelmed me. This is my little person and Todd’s little person. This is my boys’ brother or sister. I saw the life and the love and the future, and it was real.

My rowdy boys kept me very busy and kept my mind off of everything that week. It was about as painless as it could be.

So we’ve been drawing nearer and nearer to the Lord. I’m very sad and still very, very busy being a mother and a wife. Todd and I have praised Him in this trial. Because we have to look at everything and every hardship as an advantage to the Kingdom. We have to consider it joy, though I still cry when I think of it. I’m considering it joy.

.

Thank you for letting me share this piece of our story with you.

 

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Comments

  1. says

    Erin, my heart aches for you. I also recently had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy, and the feeling of loss is unlike anything I’ve known. It was my first pregnancy. My prayers are with you and your sweet family for strength and healing.

    • says

      I also had a miscarriage in December with my first pregnancy. You are not alone. I’m wishing you a speedy return of hope and praying for all of you to keep going one day at a time.

  2. says

    Erin, my heart goes out to you, Todd, and your sweet little boys. I can not imagine the loss and sadness you must be facing. Just remember God is here for you through each and every struggle. I will constantly be thinking and praying for all of you.

  3. Maureen says

    Erin, I am so sorry. The whole world can tell you that miscarriage is common or that it happens for a reason but when it happens to you it just plain hurts. You are in my thoughts an prayers. As much as you can with two small boys, allow yourself to rest and grieve because your loss is important and you need to heal.

  4. says

    I wish I could reach out & give you a big hug! Having experienced recurrent pregnancy loss, I know how heartbreaking it is to go through this. Through our trials, we grew closer to the Lord and to each other. One resource I found extremely helpful is the book Hannah’s Hope: Seeking God’s Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, and Adoption Loss by Jennifer Saake. It helped tremendously to know I wasn’t alone in what I was feeling. I am so very sorry & I’ll be praying for all of you!

  5. Rachel says

    I am a long time reader, but have never commented before. I just want to say how very sorry I am for your loss. When I started reading this post, I felt so happy for you. Then I remembered the title, and kept hoping it wasn’t going to end the way that it seemed. I admire your strength and your faith. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

  6. April says

    Very sorry for your loss. I have had two miscarriages and now am pregnant with our second and doing well. I echo all of your thoughts and feelings. What helps us is knowing we will get to meet our two children one day in heaven

  7. Allison says

    Erin,

    I am so sorry for your loss. No matter when it occurs, it’s still devastating. You and your family will be in my prayers as you try to move forward. This was beautifully written, heartfelt- truly a tribute to your precious child. Thinking and praying for you all during this time.

  8. Megan says

    Prayers and hugs to you and Todd during this difficult time. I was so excited and sad for you all at once in reading this post.

  9. says

    So sorry for your loss, prayers going up on your behalf! And what an amazing testament to the gospel your attitude is in all this sadness, what an awesome example of how we should react as Christians. Thank you fr being real. Praying, praying for you!

  10. Ali says

    Erin, I have been reading your posts for awhile, but have never commented….I am so sorry for your loss. I had a similar situation happen to me, that also lasted over a long, what seemed to be never ending weekend, and was horrified and heartbroken! My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  11. Melissa says

    Erin, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost three precious little ones myself after my son turned one, and we were in a similar situation. We lived with family and although we weren’t even sure initially how ready we were to be pregnant, like you said, we instantly dreamed up life with each new little one and losing them was so devastating. I pray that as you share your story, you find some comfort and that your heart, though it will always remember its loss, will begin to heal. Hugs.

  12. says

    Erin-I am SO sorry for your loss. I’ve been a long time reader, but haven not commented much. I too had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy when I was about 6 weeks along. I did not need to have any procedures either. The world will say, “at least it was early”, but it doesn’t matter when you had it. It hurts so much just the same. My prayers are with you and your family. I pray God blesses you with a healthy, happy 3rd baby.

  13. says

    I’m sorry for your lose Erin! It’s amazing how quickly we fall in love with our little ones. I’ll be saying some extra prayers for you and Todd.

  14. says

    Erin, I am so, so sorry to hear this. My heart breaks for your loss. My husband and I lost our first pregnancy last summer at 8 weeks – right around the same age your baby was – and it was the saddest thing we have dealt with as a couple thus far. I understand the pain that you are going through, and will be praying for you and your family. I am so glad that you are finding comfort in the Lord during this time. Even though our babies may not get to be with us here and now, I firmly believe that we will see them in heaven again one day. Thank you for sharing your heart with us today. Thinking about you!

  15. Sarah says

    I am so sorry for your loss! I too, know what it is like to suffer a miscarriage, and it can be devastating in so many ways. Wishing you God’s peace and comfort as He helps you through this time. *hugs

  16. says

    Oh Erin, I am so sorry! We recently experienced a miscarriage as well. Will be praying for you during this time of healing and recovering. Two songs that brought me great comfort were “10,000 Reasons” by Matt Redman and “Even If” by Kutless. These songs helped turn my tears to worship. Give yourself plenty of time to grieve… Everyone’s path through grief is different . Many many hugs!!

  17. says

    Hi Erin– I’m a longtime reader but have never commented. I’m so, so very sorry for your loss. I’ve been there too, with my first pregnancy. One of the things that helped me that most was knowing that other people had gone through miscarriage as well, because it is such an isolating experience. So thank you for sharing. I know your openess will help heal someone else’s broken heart. And I’ll be keeping you and Todd in my prayers. My one piece of advice is do take time to grieve, if that feels right to you.

  18. says

    I’m so so sorry for your loss Erin. Reading this post just made my heart ache for you. Praying that Gods peace. Will cover over you, Todd and the boys.

  19. Amanda S says

    I’m so sorry for this loss. One of the biggest heartbreaks is losing a child. 8 1/2 years ago I had a miscarriage that shook me to the core. 4 years later to the day later my son was born.

    I’ll pray for comfort for your family.

  20. says

    Erin, my heart breaks for you & Todd. There are no words to do justice to the hurt & unfairness of losing your baby. Know that I am thinking of you & praying for you.

  21. says

    Erin I have never experienced a miscarriage myself but my heart goes out to you and your family. I hope you find peace and healing during this difficulty time.

    Psalm 73:26, My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

  22. says

    heartbreaking :( But know you have an angel in heaven watching over your family. God bless you all as you morn and trust in His beautiful plan for your family.

  23. Marie says

    I am so sorry to hear this, Erin. My heart breaks for you and Todd. Thank you for sharing your story – I hope you know that many people care about you and are praying for you at this difficult time.

    I lost my dad suddenly last month (he was only 60) and I am also trying to remember to rejoice in spite of the tears. It struck me as kind of ironic initially, because I had chosen “Rejoice!” as my “word of the year” for 2013, but I realized that was no mistake because I needed that reminder. God loves us SO MUCH and is always there for us (I think of that “Footprints in the Sand” story, which I love, though it makes me cry).

  24. Mandy M. says

    I’m lifting you up in prayer today! Thank you for sharing your story. Almost the exact same situation happened to me about 2 years ago. I lost a baby at 7 weeks. I had to go for blood work and wait the agonizing days to find out the results. I still cry on that baby’s due date but I feel certain I’ll get that sweet baby in heaven and that fills my heart!

  25. mrs.mfc says

    Oh Erin I am so very sorry to hear this. I know how very hard this is and wish that nobody ever had to experience it. I will definitely be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. I wish I could do something to make it easier. XOXO

  26. says

    Erin-
    I’m so sorry to hear about this heartache. Miscarriage is such a hard hard thing to go through. It took me a little while to be ok after I had one that was much like yours. I will keep you in my prayers.

  27. Christina Mitchell says

    Your strength, conviction and transparency is awe inspiring. I am praying for you and your family. You are a warrior and I know that you will get through these moments. It amazes me how reading a blog can give you such a reality check that life is too short to get wrapped up in petty things. I can barely make it through some days with being a wife and mother of three kids. For you to be able to articulate so beautifully how God works in your life is a blessing. Even through your sorrow you have encouraged me to be thankful for the three beautiful lives God has blessed me with. May God continue to use you as an example of a true woman of God.

  28. Cathy C. says

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I would recommend the book Heaven is For Real if you haven’t already read it. It gave me a lot of hope and comfort after having a miscarriage with my first pregnancy. I know that baby is in heaven waiting for me to meet him/her some day.

  29. Jennifer says

    Erin,
    A loss like this is hard. I lost my first child as a result of a miscarriage and it is still hard to cope with (even after giving birth to two wonderful amazing children). I am amazed with the strength you are finding through this and wish I was as strong during my loss. Thank you for sharing your story! I follow your blog daily (I live in Lexington and feel like we have a lot in common even though we’ve never met) and am so sorry for your heartache! Keeping you, your husband, and your sweet boys in my prayers!

  30. Maureen says

    Oh Erin…. This post was beautifuly written and completely heartbreaking. I cried as I read it. Thank you for having the courage to share this with us. I am so sorry that you and Todd have had to go through this.

  31. says

    Erin,
    I’m sorry for your loss and the overwhelming sense of loneliness that comes with it. My husband and I have suffered the loss of 5 miscarriages, a stillborn daughter, and years of infertility in between. During this difficult time we already had one son, so we knew exactly what we were missing when I would miscarry.
    Now that those years are behind us, I have started speaking to women about this very silent subject. I also have a blog for encouraging women and am in the final stages of editing my book on the subject.
    I know how it feels. I’m praying for you. It’s hard to look at it this way, but you have an amazing blog and wonderful outlet to encourage others. Now you can reach and connect in a whole new way. God is using you. Be blessed!

  32. says

    Erin, I’m so sorry that you are having to go through this. My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage, and while I have a beautiful sweet baby boy now, the pain of that loss never quite goes away. Thinking about you and Todd and sending a hug. <3

  33. says

    So sorry for your loss. I can not even begin to fathom your feelings. Your blog has been such an encouragement me to me in many different times. I hope to pass a tiny ounce of enocouragement your way: One thing that comes to mind is that awhile back I read a book called “Heaven is for Real,” (true story) in the book the little boy visited Heaven but came back during a surgery. While there the boy met a little girl who ended up being his sister from a miscarrigage that his mom had. The mom recounted this story that her son sahred and told her husband that she wanted to beat him to Heaven so she could meet her little girl and name her. I pray that you find comfort in knowing that your child is now with his/her Great Creator and watiing for the day he/she will be united with his/her mom.

  34. says

    Oh Erin, I am so so sorry. I have rejoiced for every event in your little family since I started reading the month you were married, just know that I am praying for you very hard now. I pray that God comforts you, Todd, and your families through this. He is such a big God, and he can do exceedingly, abundantly, more than we could ever ask or think!

  35. Stephanie says

    Erin, I am so, so sorry for your loss. Although I am sure it was hard for you to write about it, you expressed your thoughts and feelings beautifully. I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy and again when my daughter was a little over age 2 (all while people kept asking me when we were “going to have another child.”) It can be so hard, but it helped me to talk to others that had been through similar experiences. Before I had my first miscarriage, I never realized how many friends/acquaintances had been through it as well. And while it doesn’t make it any easier to know that it is a “common” occurrence, it can help to talk to and pray with those who have had similar thoughts, feelings and emotions. Please know I am here if you want to talk or need anything at all. Praying for you and your family.

  36. says

    I am so sorry for your loss! I recently lost our first and no matter how long your have with them, they are a part of your family forever. I’m praying you all find comfort in each other and that a third little one is in your future some day soon.

  37. HeatherM says

    Oh Erin. My heart goes out to you and Todd. I will keep you in my prayers. I know that you both find strength in your faith and in the Bible. Here is a verse that gives me strength when times are hard: Romans 5:3-5. Make sure that you and Todd try to get some time away to heal during this difficult time.

  38. says

    Erin, I’m sorry that you and Todd had to go through this. It’s never easy to make plans and think through to the future and then have that taken away. I hope you are doing okay and allowing time for you to heal from the hurt.

  39. says

    Oh friend, I am so sorry. I’m just crying reading this. Wish I could give you a hug. What a testimony of your faith, giving Him praise through the pain. Praying for you and Todd as you grieve the loss of your baby.

  40. Marcie says

    I am so sorry about your loss. My heart hurts with you and for you all. I will be praying for you during this time.

  41. Amanda says

    My heart aches for you. We went through a miscarriage and subsequent D&C a few months ago. I still think about it every day and my heart is heavy. There is a whole army of women out there who have experienced this sort of pain and though those statistics don’t make it any easier, know that you are not alone. I will be praying for you and your family.

  42. says

    Hey Erin,

    I may have commented a while back but I’m never good at commenting. (oops) However, I have enjoyed following your blog for years now and my heart breaks along with yours seeing you go through this. I experienced a miscarriage before my son Cade, now 12 months, and I never realized just how many women this happens to. It’s something you never want to go through and sometimes think “it will never happen to me” but then it does. Just know that you have so many praying for you during this difficult time and like you, I always praised Him during the storm and was richly blessed afterwards. I just did a blog post about this on Sunday when my son turned one. I’m also a SC girl, Gamecock-lover, and own a women’s apparel boutique in the Upstate. http://www.sandimcclain.blogspot.com/2013/02/happy-birthday-cade.html
    Love and hugs,
    Sandi

  43. TUWABVB says

    I’m so, so very sorry Erin. It’s a horrible thing to go through and nothing makes it any easier. We allow ourselves to think and plan and get excited – even if it’s only for a few moments. I’m thinking of you and praying for you. Sending love my friend.

  44. says

    I am sooo sorry to hear of your loss and know that I am praying you feel the love, comfort, peace, and the season of joy after sorrow that only comes from the Lord. I will continue to lift you and your sweet family up! Xoxo-BLC

  45. says

    Oh, I am so sorry for your loss! No matter the circumstance, I can only imagine the difficulty of this kind of situation. I will definitely add you to my prayers.

  46. says

    I had no idea how common miscarriages were– it seems everyone I know has had one. It’s so shocking to me because I can’t imagine anything so painful and heartbreaking as losing your child, but it’s also shocking to me because there seems to be some sort of taboo about discussing it as well.

    I’m so sorry to hear about this– so devastating.

    All we can do at this point is take comfort in the fact it is all in God’s plan for you and we’ll be saying prayers of comfort and peace for you and your family.

    God bless,
    Muffy

  47. Allyce says

    Erin, I can’t imagine. I am sorry for your loss and I pray you find peace in your heart. You are such a strong, beautiful mother and I really enjoy reading along with your honest story. Thank you for sharing this difficult story.

  48. says

    I wish I could bring you a hot cup of tea and give you a hug. My grandmother always believed in the magical healing powers of a hot cup of tea. :) Prayers for peace.

  49. says

    I’m so sorry for your loss – draw close to Him, let Him be close to you. Feel your pain and grieve. If you can, read the book, “I’ll Hold You in Heaven” – it helped me tremendously when we lost our first baby. I’ll be thinking and praying for you, friend!

  50. says

    Having been there, I would never wish this on anyone. That being said, it’s amazing how much this (has) or will open your heart and make you even more sensitive to friends/bloggers/family who suffer miscarriage. I thank God for giving me that ability to truly empathize with women who suffer loss. I am sorry for your loss, it totally sucks–because as a woman, you DO picture your whole life, immediately–after seeing that test. Praying for your heart!

    xo

  51. Rebecca says

    Erin, like many others, I’ve been a longtime reader but have never commented before. I am so very sorry for your loss. I also had a miscarriage in December, at 10 weeks gestation. That passage from Philippians was one of the Scripture readings at Mass the Sunday after I had my d&c, and I love your reflection on joy.

    I’m not sure if anyone has mentioned this to you, but my doctor (who’s a wonderful, practicing Christian) told me that sometimes it can be healing to name the baby. Our baby was too young to determine what the gender was, but I had a very strong sense it was a boy, and so we named him Graham Mark. We also had a very small prayer service with a priest from our parish, who prayed a blessing over us and one for Graham. It gave me a sense of closure, and I was so blessed that our loss was acknowledged – even though so many people have had miscarriages, not many people talk about it openly.

    I am praying for you and your family! The process of one’s hormones returning to normal can be very difficult, especially while you’re grieving and already in a state of upheaval, so may God bless you with his peace and joy over the next weeks and months.

  52. Laurie says

    Erin, I to understand your loss and will pray for you and you husband. My husband and I experienced 3 miscarriages prior to finally having our little girl a year ago. Regardless of how far along you are its always tough and hard to handle. keep you strength in the lord and talk to you husband he loves you.

    Will be praying for you and your whole family. God bless you.

  53. Andrea says

    I am so sorry to hear about your loss! What an awful thing to go through. I applaud you for talking about this because I feel like it is not talked about enough. I had a miscarriage in 2010 and I felt so alone. It is helpful to know that others have been through it too. Unless you have experienced it, it is hard for someone to understand. Wishing you peace and healing

  54. Kendall says

    Hi Erin,
    I read your blog all the time, but have rarely commented. I am so sorry for your loss. I miscarried a baby in between my two sons. Thank you for having the courage to speak about this on your blog. It will be an immense comfort to other women. I felt so alone during my miscarriage and that compounded the pain, I think. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

  55. says

    My husband and I experienced an early miscarriage at about 6 weeks when trying to conceive our first. It was devastating to me despite how early I was in the pregnancy. I too made so may plans for our future and because a mother the moment I saw that positive sign. I will pray for you and your family. I am in the middle of my second successful pregnancy after the miscarriage, but my heart still aches over our loss.

  56. says

    I’m sure that was such a hard post to write and you always inspire me with your honesty and grace. Sending you and your beautiful family a hug.

  57. NitaPita says

    Erin, I am SO sorry for your loss. I am reading this from my bed, as I am recovering today from a miscarriage at 14 weeks. I also had a miscarriage my first pregnancy, where it was earlier along. I can say being further along in this pregnancy is no more harder than losing my first at 8 weeks, emotionally. The second you see those two lines, your life changes. You do plan, you do adjust, and suddenly you busy yourself with not only your toddler but with all the details that go in to having a new baby. And then just as suddenly that is taken away. I do know how heartbreaking that is, and you don’t deserve that heartache :( Praying for you and your family.

  58. leslie says

    I am so sorry. I’ve been there and can completely relate to the feelings you describe. Glad you have your little boys to hug extra tight.

  59. Cindy Sangalli says

    I never knew how heartbreaking a miscarriage was until I had one myself. You have accurately described all the real emotios that go along with this heartbreaking loss. Continue to pour all of your feelings out to the Lord as it really helps you heal. May God continue to comfort you and your husband.

  60. says

    Erin, I’m so sorry. I’m praying for you and Todd. Miscarriage is a terrible type of loss. You never get to see the sweet face of the one you lost. Thank you for sharing your story and for letting us all love on you guys a little bit through this.

  61. Amnda says

    Erin, Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve never experienced a miscarriage, but used to work as a chaplain and have worked with many women who have. There is so much grief even in the loss of the expectation of a little one. I pray that over time, God will heal your broken heart.

  62. Emily says

    Erin, I am so sorry. I have been reading your blog for a while but have never commented. Just today I had an ultrasound as a follow-up to a recent miscarriage, that happened when I was about 6 weeks along. It was so strange to come home from the doctor, open my laptop, and browse the blogs, including yours, that I usually read, and to read your post. Thank you for sharing your story.

  63. says

    I found your blog a while ago and have enjoyed following your family as I have 2 kids close in age to your Hudson and Hayes (and was intrigued to find out that your parents live in Muncie as my husband and I met at Taylor University close to Muncie and now live in Fishers). Anyways, I just wanted to say how very sorry I am about your loss. My heart breaks for you as I know this loss all too well. I miscarried my first pregnancy 4 years ago and over Christmas we lost our son Isaac 22 weeks into the pregnancy. Losing a child is heartbreaking no matter how long you carried your baby. Praying for you in the weeks and months to come.

  64. carson says

    i ache for you, and i will rejoice in prayer for you. you have been, and will be, blessed many times over. remember to smile and soak up every bit of love hudson and hayes are pouring over you. thank you for sharing your journey. {hugs}

  65. Jessica R. says

    I am so sorry for your loss. My husband and I have lost two pregnancies in the last 7 months and they are heartbreaking. I will pray for peace that surpasses all understanding for you, Erin!

  66. Kristen says

    I am so sorry for your loss, Erin. I know the pain of miscarriage all too well. My husband and I are on our 4th pregnancy after three consecutive losses. You are not alone. May God bless you.

  67. says

    Erin,
    Thank you for sharing this. My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage and I needed a D&C. I woke up from the surgery and my nurse said, “I’m so sorry.” Her kindness allowed me to start grieving right away. My husband and I just held each other and let it all out. That’s the best advice I can give…don’t stop the grieving. Let it come.
    May the Lord be close to you in this time. I will pray for you (I mean that).
    Becky

  68. says

    I am so sorry for your loss. I suffered a miscarriage in late 2011 after trying for awhile for a baby. To say the loss was devestating would be an understatement. I mourned that sweet baby for close to a year… the tears wouldn’t stop. While the crying has definitely lessened quite a bit every once in awhile I think of that sweet baby and how old he/she should be now and it hurts my heart. As much as it hurt and still does sometimes, I am thankful for the experience… and all of the heartache and know when I am blessed again with another baby I will appreciate every single moment.

  69. says

    Oh, Erin! I’m sorry for your loss. Your faith, strength and honesty is a testament and encouragement to us all. I can’t say that I know what you’re going through as I haven’t been there, but I will be praying for you and Todd and that you will both feel the comfort, joy and peace that only God can provide.

  70. says

    Dear friend, I have never met you but feel that I know you from this blog. My heart aches for you and your family. I lost my angel baby this past September and there is nothing like the sorrow of losing a child no matter the age. It was also an early miscarriage. I had prayed for this baby and gone thru fertility a third time and to lose the baby was devastating. Mercy Me had just released their album The Hurt and The Healer and a friend gave it to me. The song You Are I Am really touched me and helped me at the same time.
    You’re the One who conquers Giants,
    You’re the One who calls out kings,
    You shut the mouths of lions,
    You tell the dead to breathe.
    You’re the One who walks through fire,
    You take the orphan’s hand,
    You are the One Messiah,
    You are I am!
    The one who can do all that is holding our babies right now! What more comfort can we have than knowing this? Hold on to your husband and little guys and continue to grow closer as a family in faith.

    The Lord worked a miracle on this body of mine and I am almost 5 months pregnant. Yes, he surprised us right away with no fertility. :) He is so good and can work amazing wonders in our lives! You will be in my prayers!

  71. Margot says

    Erin,
    I am so,so sorry for the loss of your precious baby. I understand your pain, and there are no words to describe it. I will pray for a peace that surpasses all understanding. Your little angel is now woven into every thread of your being. Sometimes the only comfort I find is knowing I will have a forever with my babies in Heaven, and I hope that thought will bring you comfort in time, too. You are such an amazing mommy to all of your children, and I truly admire your strength, faith and positive spirit. I was in awe of how many others had experienced such loss as ours,and found that connecting with others was an essential part of the grieving process and the healing process as well. You are not alone, and you are very brave to share your story. We found going to a support group to be just what our hearts needed at the time. We are local in Charlotte and went to Kindermourn. I really can’t say enough about them, and I would be happy to share more/help get you connected with them if you ever feel drawn to do so.
    Thie poem was given to me in the wake of the loss of our twins, and I still look at it daily. I hope it brings some comfort to you.

    God hath not promised skies always blue
    Flower strewn pathways, all our lives through;
    God hath not promised sun without rain,
    Joy without sorrow, peace without pain.

    But God hath promised strength for the day,
    Rest for the labour, light for the way,
    Grace for the trials, help from above,
    Unfailing kindness, undying love.

    May each day be a little better than the day before. Keeping you in my prayers!

  72. anonymous says

    Oh, Erin. Dear, sweet, Erin. My stomach dropped when I read the title of your post and I choked back tears as you shared what you’ve been through in the last few weeks. I’m so, so sorry. I can’t even imagine what you are feeling and I hope that the love and support of your friends, family and community (both virtual and in real life) will help carry you through this time.

    First of all, let me apologize in advance for anything that I’m about to write that is (at best) not even remotely helpful or (at worst) hurtful. I’ve experienced enough loss and tragedy to know that people…even caring, well meaning people…often say the most asinine things when they don’t know what to say. I pray I’m not one of them today.

    It took incredibly bravery on your part to share the story of your loss with us and I’m so glad you did…for a couple of reasons. I’m a big believer in the power of ritual to help us through our lives. Most of life’s major events (marriages, births, graduations etc) are marked by them. When a loved one (that has been born) dies, we have rituals to literally pull us through some of the stages of grief: services, funerals, memorials….support…casseroles. Miscarriage, on the other hand seems to be suffered through in isolation. I hope that sharing your story, and the subsequent outpouring of support from your readers, helped you feel less alone.

    The other reason is more personal…selfish perhaps. I think bloggers –whether they know it or not – are leaders. We look up to them. Emulate them. I do anyway. Not a week goes by that I don’t use a product, idea, recipe or coping strategy that I’ve learned from you. Reading about your family’s adventures brings a smile to my face, gives me something to shoot for makes me feel more human. I think it’s important for us readers to remember that bloggers are also human beings. You’re an *exceptionally* beautiful, talented, generous, loving, creative, kind, fortunate, photogenic, intelligent, strong (yet somehow humble!) one, and yet, a flesh and blood human being nonetheless. A woman who experiences emotions like fear, hope, doubt, joy, frustration, love….and bone crushing sorrow. Like the rest of us. I know that your ability to share your vulnerabilities with us readers is what draws so many to your blog. Thanks for allowing us to support you right now. Thanks also for leading by example and giving us permission to be human and to be vulnerable and to reach out for help and support in our own lives.

    Lastly…the fact that during this, what may be the darkest hour that you and Todd have faced as a family, you were able to still profess your faith and trust in the Lord is nothing short of a miracle. Another gift to us. Another example which I will continue to strive to follow.

    Okay, for someone who doesn’t know what to say, I’ve rambled long enough. You and Todd are in my prayers. My heart breaks for you. I pray for comfort and healing and understanding and fortitude in the coming weeks and months.

    xoxo

  73. says

    Oh, Erin, honey, I am so sorry. :'( So, so sorry. Not only can I sympathize, but I can empathize, with you as well as I, too, have suffered a miscarriage, two to be exact. Both of mine ended in procedures because my body doesn’t like to take care of things on its own, so that made it doubly as hard. I am so sorry you had to go through this, it is heartbreaking. You begin to imagine this life with them, their name, what they’ll look like, how their room may be decorated, etc. And then it all comes crashing down on you. I pray for comfort and healing – physically, mentally, emotionally – for both you and Todd during this difficult time. May the Lord hold you as you get through this and try to understand why. Hold your boys extra right tonight. Much love. <3

  74. Julia says

    Big hugs, girl. You are obviously not alone on this one. And it’s still so hard to navigate through the sadness and anger after a loss. You are blessed that your body did what it was supposed to do without a procedure–I wasn’t as lucky, but in the end every survivor of loss has to make it to the other side somehow. Big hugs, mama.

  75. Jenn says

    Thank you for having the courage to share. I’ve been following your blog for years and since we have boys roughly the same ages, so much of what you’ve written has applied to my life as well. Now as I am miscarrying my third child your words speak so much to me. You’ve helped me feel a little less alone in this. Thank you for that. I will be praying for you and your family in the days to come.

  76. Maria says

    I am so sorry for your loss. My first pregnancy was the same. I had a miscarriage at work at about 8 weeks. I know the pain of the life lost and dreams, however short lived, dreamt. Wishing you peace.

  77. Amanda says

    Thank you for your honesty about such a heart breaking topic. My husband and I are trying for our first and I was elated to find out we were pregnant halfway through January. We were so excited and making big plans. Without going into the nitty gritty, it was officially confirmed I miscarried this Thursday. Our hearts are broken. I never knew the pain of loss like this and I will keep you and your family in my prayers. My pastor talked about how wonderful it is to know God is in control during his sermon today and that knowledge is giving me hope. I pray that helps you as well.

  78. says

    Oh Erin! I’ve been terribly absent from blogs lately and I hate that I didn’t know you were going through some pain and sorrow. Sending you loads of love & keeping y’all in my prayers. Massive amounts of hugs being virtually sent to you…

  79. Rachel says

    I had a very similar miscarriage almost a year ago. Your experience, thoughts, dreams, and feeling were almost identical to mine. Thank you for sharing your story. No truly understands unless they have personally experienced it.

  80. says

    I have been reading your blog for quite some time… But I have been away and am just catching up. I understand what you are going through and will be praying for you. I think you put it exactly perfect… The moment those two little lines appear, you picture this life so vividly. I am praying for your comfort. God bless you.

  81. says

    I just found your blog through Sheaffer, so I am catching up on it.
    I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I know there are no words to make it better, but just know you are not alone. I have 3 kids, but had 2 miscarriages before I had them. It is such a hard experience.
    You can read my story here:
    http://thelarsonlingo.blogspot.com/2012/10/a-day-to-remember.html

    Praying for you, Erin. May God wrap his arms around you and heal you. May you cling to his promises & may He give you the desires of your heart.
    xoxo.

  82. says

    I am so sorry for your loss. I too suffered a miscarriage immediately before I got pregnant with my sweet daughter Olivia. It was devastating. Like you said, from the second you see that second line on the pregnancy test, you write this little miracle into your lives. Praying for you and your family.

  83. says

    Oh E, I am so sorry I am so behind, and I am so so sorry for your loss. Through teary eyes, I will praise God with you that He has a perfect plan, but I also mourn with you, and will be praying for you and your whole sweet fam. Love you! Sending you all lots of love and so many hugs!

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