Erin Akin Carroll

Last night, after putting Hudson to bed, we heard some little feet hit the floor and then heard him tugging on his baby gate.

I went into his room and he smiled. So I reached down to pick him up and he held his little arms up for me to hold him. (Holding him isn’t so easy these days as it is.)

I picked him up and just held him. And held him, and held him, and held him. And couldn’t let go. He had his head on my shoulder. He wasn’t crying, but I was. He was just hugging me back, not knowing that his mommy was falling apart right there in his room.

Where did my little baby go? How is he almost two years old? How much longer will he let me hold him? How much bigger will he get before I have to stop holding him because he’s just too heavy for me?

So I had a private little cry in Hudson’s room before I put him back to bed. I whispered to him that I love him and he leaned his head back and grabbed my face with both of his hands and started laughing.

How did two years go by so quickly? And why did those years have to take my baby with them?

I truly believe that each stage is more fun than the one before it. And a lot of the time my tears are because I’m so proud of Hudson and who he has become. But other times, I think back to those first moments and those first days where I would rock him and study every inch of his face, determined to memorize everything.

So, yes, I know I’m hormonal. My body is cranking up to have another baby and the hormones will get even worse for a few weeks. But, oh my goodness, that sweetness and those little tender moments better be around for the rest of my life because there is truly nothing like that feeling I had last night holding my baby boy in his quiet room before tucking him back into bed.

I will always cherish this photo that Tracy Turpen took at the end of Hudson’s 1-year photo session. The feeling of my sweet baby resting on my shoulder is so fresh in my memory every time I see it.

The intimidation factor is really starting to set in. I don’t think I felt it with Hudson until he was two weeks old, but it has started early this time.

I am already intimidated by my unborn child and his big brother! What is the matter with me?

I can remember the day my mom left. She had been here for almost a month and the second she drove away, I looked at Hudson and thought, “How am I going to take care of you without her here?”

Now when I think about Hudson and Hayes, I think about silly things that shouldn’t be that big of a deal, but I already feel like they’re ganging up on me.

Like trips to Target or the grocery store. What will I do? Do I put Hayes in his infant seat in the buggy and Hudson in the back of the buggy? Or do I wear Hayes in a Baby Bjorn or some sort of wrap and let Hudson sit in his normal seat in the buggy? Or do I wait until Hudson is at school and just attempt the grocery store with Hayes?

What if I can’t get them on the same schedule? What if Hudson decides he is opposed to having a brother and decides to start acting out?

Someone, please tell me that these fears are normal and I’m not crazy.

I reminded TC last night that those sweet little quiet days we had when we brought Hudson home from the hospital won’t be happening this time. Hudson would sleep in his bouncy seat and TC and I would lie down on the couch and nap. This time it’s going to be an entirely new experience. But at least I know that going into it, right?

Hayes will learn to sleep through Hudson’s rowdiness and maintaining a schedule with him may be harder because we’ll be so busy going to all of Hudson’s activities.

I’m just praying that God can help me be the best mommy to these two precious boys.

What’s going on in my head this week? Oh, kind of a lot. Some important and some not-so-important stuff.

1. I made one last to-do list to use to get everything done before Hayes’s arrival. Nothing is a major news, but I did realize I couldn’t find all of my nursing bras and I would probably need more lounge clothes this time than last time. I need to go ahead and start addressing birth announcements and Hudson’s birthday party invitations. And of course, I made a list of all of the movies I want to see with TC before Hayes arrives.

2. Is it just me or is nothing in TV these days? We ended up deciding to watch American Idol this season and then after last week, I’m just so sick about the results I don’t know that I’ll continue to watch. Pia was my hands-down favorite. I kind of like Lauren Alaina and I like Casey, so maybe I’ll cheer for them. But if they go home I’m going to be really sad.

3. Also? The Real Housewives of Orange County? You know it’s a bad season when Alexis is your favorite housewife. These women have all gone off the deep end.

4. I have exactly 8 weeks after Hayes is born before I am in my best friend’s wedding. I took a wild guess on my dress size and will just have it sized down if it needs it. I hope it needs it. But I am also trying to find dresses to wear to her wedding events. I’m not buying anything until after Hayes gets here and I can actually try some stuff on.

5. Going with #4, I am making plans (and dragging TC along with me) for how to lose the bulk of the baby weight. No time to dilly dally this time. I packed those pounds on this time and they can’t stay with me forever! (I guess they can if I let them, but don’t let me let them!)

6. Have y’all seen the April issue of Southern Living? My dream kitchen is in there. I’m not even kidding. The curtains, the cabinet color, the backsplash, the fabric on the chairs, the room arrangement. Can I just move in?

7. Southern Living’s website also has the Southern Girl’s Guide to Pearls. Love it!

8. I miss my parents terribly. I get to spend a lot of time with my mom when Hayes arrives because she’ll be coming to stay with us for a while. But I really missed them this weekend when I wasn’t feeling well and I wanted some company and wanted someone to come play with Hudson and the dogs for me. I just can’t wait for them to get here!

9. It’s nap time and I should be napping. So I’m going!

We actually had a bit of an eventful weekend. We had planned to just relax and not have any plans, but things didn’t exactly play out that way.

I had a terrible night’s sleep on Thursday night and woke up Friday morning in a lot of pain. My belly was just throbbing. Every time Hayes would move, I felt like all of my nerves were being pinched and I wanted to cry. When I’d stand up, I felt like I had to hold my stomach to try to get some relief. But there wasn’t any relief.

I was having Braxton Hicks contractions, but the pain was amplified and I continued to wince every time the baby would move. I didn’t go into labor with Hudson, so I really had no idea what to expect if I did go into labor. The contractions weren’t super consistent, though, so I didn’t think Hayes was actually on the way.

TC called to check on me and I asked if he could see if his parents could take Hudson for the day because there wasn’t any way I could keep up with him in that condition. He had already taken the dogs to be day boarded, which was a huge relief. TC’s dad came to get Hudson and I was finally alone to try to get some rest.

I called the OB nurse at my doctor’s office and she told me to drink lots of water, lie down on my side, and take some extra strength Tylenol and she’d call me back in an hour. I did as she instructed and nothing changed.

In the mean time, we had the cable guy and a plumber coming by to repair some things, so my “rest” wasn’t all that restful. TC came home from work early to check on me and ended up staying while I slept. Right before he got there, I started throwing up and had the chills. My pain had moved to my back and hurt every time I took a breath. I sent TC to get some Sprite and some soup and while he was gone I called the OB on call.

Thank goodness it was my doctor. She told me she was already on the OB floor of the hospital for the night and encouraged me to come on up. TC and I jumped in the car and went to the hospital thinking I’d get checked out and sent home with some pain medication. I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t in labor!

They checked me in, admitted me, and I put on the hospital gown. Then I got hooked up to all the monitors. Hayes was doing great, which was a huge relief. My blood pressure was really low and then it was really high. I got sick again in the hospital while I waited to see my doctor.

She came in and listened to me describe my symptoms and said that it was probably a bladder infection or a kidney infection. She ordered up some antibiotics, lots of fluids, and some pain relief for me. But first I had to get them a urine sample.

This is where the story gets a little funny for us. I had to drag my IV pole (with TC’s help) to the restroom with me and try to dodge all of the cords and wires and long hospital gown to get a good urine sample for the lab. I can’t remember the last time TC laughed so hard, but I was trying to make him stop or else I’d start laughing and end up peeing all over the floor before we could even start to get the sample!

I should actually find out the results of the test today because it takes 48 hours to get the results.

But in the mean time, we found out we’d be staying in the hospital over night and I got a lovely IV of phenergan for the pain and nausea. That stuff worked fast. The pain was gone and in about 10 minutes, I was gone, too. I told TC to make sure I was breathing every once in a while, because I was pretty darn dead to the world. My antibiotics started working immediately, and when I’d wake up in the night, there was no pain and no nausea.

We were in the hospital for about 20 hours, but I am so glad we went. I slept great while we were there. I missed Hudson and the dogs a lot and was really eager to get home. But the rest was something that God knew I needed it and I had to go to the hospital to get it.

I’m taking antibiotics for a few more days to make sure that whatever this was is gone. TC has been so helpful and proactive to make sure that all the “heavy lifting” with Hudson is taken care of so I can continue to rest for a few days. We need Hayes to stay put for at least two more weeks. TC even dried Hudson’s hair last night, which is something that I always do. It was so cute!

I just had to document the events of our weekend, so I can tell little Hayes all about it someday!