Erin Akin Carroll

Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m in a blogging rut. I have posted quite a few times this month and I will continue to post because I feel like in order to get out of my ruts, I just have to write through them.

But why the rut? I don’t really know. Some days I feel like I write too much about pregnancy. Some days I feel like I write too much about motherhood. Some days I feel like I write too honestly and candidly about each of those things and sound ungrateful. Other days I worry that I sound like I think my life is perfect, when I know it isn’t. (And all of you should know it isn’t.)

I try with every post to be honest and to write what I want to write. It is my blog, after all. This is for me to look back on and to keep a record of what is on my heart and in my mind on that particular day. But with every little piece of criticism and every passive aggressive comment, I stop and question myself.

I don’t like for this blog to play a role in my real life in any way other than bringing me closer to the friends that I’ve found as a result. I don’t want to sit around and dwell on what someone said that hurt me.

Why shouldn’t I talk about pregnancy? I’m pregnant. Why shouldn’t I talk about motherhood? I’m a mother. That is my life right now. It may be “boring” and my day may be filled with running errands, changing diapers, and maintaining a home. And I’m sure to some that sounds super boring. But it is my life and that’s what my blog will be about.

So on a day like today when I couldn’t think of what could be a decent blog post, I just need to try to remind myself that it doesn’t matter. Some days are boring and some days are far from boring. And most days are completely centered around Hudson. But that’s just my reality.

I still have lots of other interests, hobbies, and things that get me really excited and inspire me. I still love cooking, organizing, home decor magazines, movies, and television. But most days are just going to be about my kids. Because that’s the stage of life that I’m in.

Preface: I am absolutely not writing this post in an effort for any commenters to come on here to compliment me or make me feel better. I’ve got a mirror. I know exactly what I look like these days. I just need to get this out of my system. Complaining about the physical aspects of the end of pregnancy is just part of what I need to do.

• My face. Is. Swollen. Seriously. When I smile, my cheeks consume my eyes and I have the biggest face on the planet. It is unrecognizable in photos. And no, you don’t get to see. But I feel like a Shar Pei.

• That beautiful second trimester skin is gone. My skin is now flat, dry, and starting to break out again.
• My belly has dropped significantly. One reason is because Hayes is transverse and is in there like a football. So this belly of mine is sitting really low and looks like I stuffed three basketballs under my shirt.
• The waddling that occurs because he has dropped so much is probably comical to some. I know my husband thinks it’s funny. When I’m in public I try to fake it and walk normally, but that’s just hard when gravity has its way.
• Even my biggest maternity shirts barely cover my belly and my secret fit panel on my super cute maternity pants.
• The elastic has started to unravel on the panels on my super cute maternity pants.
• The baby hairs and baby bangs have already started coming in. I know that means at some point, I’ll have thick, luscious locks. But right now, I have tiny little baby duck hairs sprouting from the top of my head and sticking straight up.

• And last but not least, the anxiety over the dreaded weight loss process has started getting to me. I avoid looking at the scale at my appointments, but I do know exactly how much I have gained and how much I’ll need to lose. I also know it’s only a matter of days at this point before I can start thinking about losing it. But, oh goodness, I hope I start losing it quickly! But I know that Hayes doesn’t weigh 20 pounds, so I can’t blame it on him!

Hayes is all set to come. His birthday is scheduled and we can’t wait to see his precious little face and kiss his cheeks. In the mean time, however, I’ll be avoiding cameras in an effort to prevent myself from crying at the physical reality of the end of the third trimester.

Holidays are so much fun when little ones are around. It’s so much fun to experience the holiday through their eyes. To teach them about the true meaning of the holiday and then celebrate in kid-friendly ways. This Easter was a lot of fun for us because it was Hudson’s first Easter where he could participate in some of the more secular traditions of Easter.

We did the Resurrection Eggs with him and read the age appropriate parts of the Easter story to him from his little Bible.

But we also dyed Easter eggs this year and he went on an Easter egg hunt at school. I should have just stripped Hudson down to a diaper so he could participate more in the egg-dying process, but because I didn’t trust that he wouldn’t dump the egg dye onto the carpet, I just kept him in his high chair. It was my first time to dye eggs in many years, so it was fun for me, too! And it was a good way for this pregnant mama to spend a day inside with her boy.

Then I made some cupcakes for an Easter gathering and we had quite a few left over. I let Hudson have one after dinner, and rather than give him bites to contain the mess, I just let him get after it. He was surprised, I’m sure, and pretty darn happy about it.

The Easter Bunny came by our house and left Hudson some really fun goodies in his Easter basket! He got lots of fun Sesame Street books, coloring books, and stickers. And a Mr. Potato Head Easter Bunny, finger paint, sidewalk chalk, and some really fun bunny Sing-a-Majigs. His daddy has loved those the most! Not kidding.

He also got some jelly beans and some Animal Crackers. I was a little conservative about the whole candy thing. He is a wild toddler, after all!

Our church service this morning was one of the most moving that I can remember in my life. The message was wonderful, the music was worshipful, and the Spirit was there and was touching hearts. My parents couldn’t be here to celebrate Easter with us, but TC’s parents joined us at church and afterward, we went to his grandmother’s house for lunch and an Easter egg hunt.

Hudson loves Easter egg hunts now that he understands what to do. But today he wouldn’t put down his snack holder and I had to follow along behind him, carrying his basket, to catch his eggs as he tossed them in.

I think his favorite thing was identifying what color each egg was and shouting out, “I see purple!” or “I see blue!”

It was such a hot day that all of the dyed eggs were sweating in the sun and the dye started coming off on our hands. And of course a little bit got on Hudson’s white linen outfit, but boys will be boys and they will get dirty.

Unfortunately, we didn’t get a great photo of the three of us– because my face is so swollen and I am being vain and refuse to show them to you. But TC and Hudson looked so sharp! I love my boys and can’t wait for my next boy to arrive soon.

And… lastly, defying all family tradition set forth by his father and me, Hudson tried a Peep today and loved it. TC kept saying it was “gross” so then Hudson thought they were called “gross” and kept asking for “more gross.” Hilarious. Hopefully he’ll snap out of his love for Peeps before next Easter!

I hope you all had a great Easter with your families or loved ones. We sang In Christ Alone this morning and it is one of my favorite songs. I kind of have to pretend to sing because I always get so choked up that really ugly sounds come out when I try to sing. But I usually just listen and worship. I wanted to share my favorite lyrics from In Christ Alone with you:

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life’s first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny

No power of hell, no scheme of man
Could ever pluck me from His hand
Til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I stand

Last night, I settled in on the couch to watch the ACM’s Girls’ Night Out on CBS. They were honoring Martina McBride, Reba McIntyre, The Judds, Miranda Lambert, Jennifer Nettles, Loretta Lynn, and my favorite, Carrie Underwood.

Each artist was recognized and got to hear another performer or group perform one of her songs and then she joined that performer to do a duet. Vince Gill honored Carrie Underwood and sang a beautiful version of Jesus Take The Wheel. Carrie was touched and honored and even shed a few tears.

Afterward, Carrie joined Vince at the microphone and immediately started singing. And they took us to church. What an appropriate weekend for such a great testimony and opportunity for Carrie and Vince to witness. What a great God we have and what a beautiful song she sang.

(If you’ve seen Carrie live in concert, you know that in the middle of Jesus, Take The Wheel she sings How Great Thou Art.)