I can’t even believe I’m about to write a post about this. First of all, let me just say that I am over the moon excited about our sweet little baby on the way. I am really enjoying the pregnancy at this point and I am so excited to meet this precious little person that we have prayed for.

But I have a huge lump in my throat when I think about having to split my time between Hudson and the baby. And I know I’m not the first person to have more than one child and I won’t be the last. Mothers go through this every single day. So why when I think about sweet little Hudson, do I almost feel mournful for the days when he was an only child?

photo by Millie Holloman

I’ve always wanted a big family, so if we are able to have more children and decide we want to have more children, maybe I’ll experience this with every pregnancy. But, last week, I got weepy in the car because Hudson and I were riding along together, singing, talking, and laughing. In a few months, I know that on those drives I’ll be scattered and trying to tend to two of them while we drive. And I’ll probably be asking Hudson for my help with reaching a pacifier or a bottle.

Maybe my emotions are less about feeling sorry for Hudson, but I’m feeling sorry for myself. Because my baby will no longer be the baby. He’ll be the older brother and right now I don’t think he really knows that any of this is happening. We’ve told him and we talk to him about the baby, but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t totally get it. And he probably won’t get it for a while when he realizes that the screaming baby in our house is always going to be there. We’ll remind him that the sweet baby will grow up to be his best buddy in the world.

I was talking to my friend, Kim, the other day and she reminded me that the very first moment I look into this baby’s eyes will be just like the first moment I looked into Hudson’s eyes. The worry will be nonexistent and won’t even be a memory. The love will consume me and things like favoritism and feeling torn between two children won’t be a reality.

And I know that she is absolutely right. I want both of them to feel every single ounce of love I have to offer. And of course I want them to love each other. I know there will be hard days and I’m sure that all of my emotion has a whole lot to do with raging hormones.

I didn’t cry on Hudson’s first birthday. I’m the one who thinks that growing up is fun and part of the parenting process. But I get completely choked up when I think about the day the Hudson becomes a sibling. Maybe that’s the big “my baby is growing up” moment that sends me over the edge.

I am so grateful for this time with this precious boy. I have had 19 months to be with him almost every single day and I wouldn’t trade those for anything in the world. I am completely excited to see how Hudson and his baby brother will be similar and how they will be completely different. I will do everything I can and pray that I don’t compare them to each other and always remember that they have different needs, interests, and personalities.

I hope to spend the next four months making the most of this very special time with just Hudson. And my prayer is that taking care of a newborn will be much more relaxed the second time around. The Lord knows my heart and knows my fears and I know that He will help me through it. He will provide family and friends to care for and play with Hudson when I can’t. Or to hold and feed the baby so I can cuddle and laugh with my first born.

Funny enough, I am not at all worried about the sleep, the routine, or the feedings. I’m not worried about the crying. My worry is 100% about figuring out how to comfort them both when they’re both crying. Being the best mommy I can be to both of them. And getting these very special moments with both of them.

During the night last night, I woke up to the sound of some pretty loud thunder. I knew that it was supposed to snow, but the sounds outside were kind of frightening. I woke up around 5:00 a.m. and went to the window to look outside. Everything was covered in a gorgeous blanket of snow and it was still coming down!

When we woke up this morning it was still snowing and even deeper. We don’t get snow that often in South Carolina, so it’s always really exciting. Typically, life shuts down due to the snow, so we don’t really have the pains of driving in it and all that comes with that. It’s just like a little vacation in a winter wonderland.

Hudson’s school was canceled and TC didn’t have to be in court because the county offices were all closed. So we’ve had an exciting day! I made breakfast and hot chocolate and I made chili for lunch.

We all got outside in our boots and the best snow gear we could find for South Carolina residents. Boudreaux had the time of his life!

Hudson was very proud to be wearing his boots and kept saying “boots, boots, boots!” And if the snow covered his boots he would bend down to dust them off.

He didn’t really want to play in it, but he was trying to dust the snow off his playset so he could use his slide. Then his mittens kept coming off, but he didn’t seem to mind. We wouldn’t let him stay out there without his mittens, so we’d put them back on him and they’d fall off again.

We eventually decided we needed to come in so Hudson’s clothes could dry off and then we could eat lunch. We promised him that we’d take him back outside this afternoon, but the tears came anyway. He was so sad to have to come back inside from the snow. It’s safe to say he loves it!

But I don’t think anyone loves it as much as this guy!

p.s. There aren’t any pictures of Fiona in the snow because Fiona kind of refused to let her paws hit the snow.

Happy Snow Day from our house to yours!

This post kind of came out of no where. People have asked me about my decision to stay home and this is just the story about the transition from our perspective. Some of you are stay-at-home moms. Some of you have tried it and hated it. Some of you say you never want to try it because you know you’d hate it. Some of you want to try it. No matter what category you fall under, though, this is the process from our family’s perspective.

The Decision

For most of my life, it was never ever my dream to be a stay-at-home mom. I never even considered it. I had dreams of being an architect (6th grade), on Broadway (early high school), and a graphic journalist for a magazine (late high school). As I got through most of college, I realized I wanted to do event planning and I pursued that further with a graduate degree. I had dreams of going to big cities and planning huge weddings. Or going to work for a major corporation to do all of their corporate events.

But even when I entered the working world and had my first job and my second job, the thought of staying home with my children never crossed my mind. Not because I thought I wouldn’t like it. And we had never discussed whether or not we could afford. It just never even came up.

But when I got pregnant with Hudson and I started to think about what we would do when he was born, I couldn’t think about anything else other than staying at home with him. Not because I didn’t trust the daycares and preschools in town. But something just told me that deep down that was what I wanted to do.

A lot of that decision had to do with my crazy hours at work. There were many nights during the week when I’d work until 7:00 p.m. or sometimes as late as midnight if I was preparing for a big event. I also found out I was pregnant in the fall of 2008– you know, when the economy really started to take a nose dive. I worked for a state University, so lay offs were going on all around me and furloughs were being discussed. I didn’t make much money to begin with. If only I could have been paid by the hour!

Because I had a masters degree, I was told that I had to teach a class every semester to help the department’s budget. Adjuncts wouldn’t be hired for those classes and staff that were qualified had to teach. But not for any additional pay. Working with students is a lot of fun, but it’s also very time-consuming.

So there I was, getting more and more pregnant, and faced with the decision of “should I stay or should I go?” Financially, it didn’t make much sense to continue working and the more I prepared for our baby, the more I wanted to stay at home. TC’s job situation changed and God provided. The decision was easy and now here I am. A stay-at-home mom.

The Transition

In the beginning, I didn’t do much to make any changes. We didn’t stick to a strict budget and just kind of flew by the seat of our pants. And then, after some time, that all had to stop.

I went through some months where I had to realize that I could no longer just run and buy the top I wanted or the shoes I wanted. But TC was insistent that I didn’t look at our family’s money as his money. That it was our money.

But that’s hard to see when you’re the one at home… not making any money.

Because it was our money and our future, we had to start putting chunks away for Hudson’s education and saving for our future. And looking at it all laid out like that, makes it a lot harder to just run out and buy something just because you want it in that moment.

In the last year or so, I’ve found other little side jobs and other sources of income to bring in a little bit extra. It’s not much extra, but it covers the shopping sprees for Hudson’s new clothes and things like that.

It’s hard to explain, though, when you feel weird about going out and buying Christmas gifts for your husband with the money he made at work. Do any other SAHMs feel that way? I know it’s our money, but it’s just an interesting place. So I talked to TC about it and he told me that I shouldn’t feel that way. And I got him some great gifts without completely breaking the bank.

The Day-to-Day

I used to put a lot of pressure on myself at home. If TC was at work doing his job, then I needed to get everything done here at the house every single day. Oh, and take care of Hudson.

Over time, I’ve let up on myself a lot. Laundry may get done, but it takes a few days for it to get folded. The dishwasher may get run, but it may not get unloaded and there may still be dirty dishes in the sink at the end of the day.

My house is not a sty– because I just can’t live that way because my OCD ways have not gone completely by the wayside.

But I’ve made sure, over time, not to let myself feel like I have to get it all done every single day. Somedays, Hudson and I stay in our pajamas all day long and spend a lot of time cuddling on the couch. And that’s okay.

When I was working (and getting paid), I didn’t every put pressure on myself to tackle my entire to-do list every single day. My first priority is Hudson. His safety, his happiness, his development, and his health.

What We’ve Learned

The whole process has been an adjustment. I feel like there are parts of our lives that I have complete control over (my responsibilities in the home) and there are things that are completely out of my hands. There is some guilt that comes with being the one that stays home. Just like there is extreme pressure that comes with being the one that is the bread-winner.

Just as I said in my year-end post, I have had to make huge efforts to change my habits and my ways. And I’m not “cured.” I like things and I like pretty things. But I have to remind myself on a daily basis that those things aren’t important to us. It does make me look forward to birthdays and Christmas because I know that my husband will usually surprise me with a great gift that I’ve been wanting for a while!

I also have found a lot of fulfillment from blogging. I can’t imagine what my life as a SAHM would be like without this hobby and the community associated with it.

If any of you SAHMs or working moms that understand some of what I’m talking about have anything to add from your experiences- advice, comments, etc.- please share them with me! This job is the hardest I’ve ever had, but also my absolute favorite. I love what I do every day even though it’s hectic and completely not glamorous!