This post kind of came out of no where. People have asked me about my decision to stay home and this is just the story about the transition from our perspective. Some of you are stay-at-home moms. Some of you have tried it and hated it. Some of you say you never want to try it because you know you’d hate it. Some of you want to try it. No matter what category you fall under, though, this is the process from our family’s perspective.
The Decision
For most of my life, it was never ever my dream to be a stay-at-home mom. I never even considered it. I had dreams of being an architect (6th grade), on Broadway (early high school), and a graphic journalist for a magazine (late high school). As I got through most of college, I realized I wanted to do event planning and I pursued that further with a graduate degree. I had dreams of going to big cities and planning huge weddings. Or going to work for a major corporation to do all of their corporate events.
But even when I entered the working world and had my first job and my second job, the thought of staying home with my children never crossed my mind. Not because I thought I wouldn’t like it. And we had never discussed whether or not we could afford. It just never even came up.
But when I got pregnant with Hudson and I started to think about what we would do when he was born, I couldn’t think about anything else other than staying at home with him. Not because I didn’t trust the daycares and preschools in town. But something just told me that deep down that was what I wanted to do.
A lot of that decision had to do with my crazy hours at work. There were many nights during the week when I’d work until 7:00 p.m. or sometimes as late as midnight if I was preparing for a big event. I also found out I was pregnant in the fall of 2008– you know, when the economy really started to take a nose dive. I worked for a state University, so lay offs were going on all around me and furloughs were being discussed. I didn’t make much money to begin with. If only I could have been paid by the hour!
Because I had a masters degree, I was told that I had to teach a class every semester to help the department’s budget. Adjuncts wouldn’t be hired for those classes and staff that were qualified had to teach. But not for any additional pay. Working with students is a lot of fun, but it’s also very time-consuming.
So there I was, getting more and more pregnant, and faced with the decision of “should I stay or should I go?” Financially, it didn’t make much sense to continue working and the more I prepared for our baby, the more I wanted to stay at home. TC’s job situation changed and God provided. The decision was easy and now here I am. A stay-at-home mom.
The Transition
In the beginning, I didn’t do much to make any changes. We didn’t stick to a strict budget and just kind of flew by the seat of our pants. And then, after some time, that all had to stop.
I went through some months where I had to realize that I could no longer just run and buy the top I wanted or the shoes I wanted. But TC was insistent that I didn’t look at our family’s money as his money. That it was our money.
But that’s hard to see when you’re the one at home… not making any money.
Because it was our money and our future, we had to start putting chunks away for Hudson’s education and saving for our future. And looking at it all laid out like that, makes it a lot harder to just run out and buy something just because you want it in that moment.
In the last year or so, I’ve found other little side jobs and other sources of income to bring in a little bit extra. It’s not much extra, but it covers the shopping sprees for Hudson’s new clothes and things like that.
It’s hard to explain, though, when you feel weird about going out and buying Christmas gifts for your husband with the money he made at work. Do any other SAHMs feel that way? I know it’s our money, but it’s just an interesting place. So I talked to TC about it and he told me that I shouldn’t feel that way. And I got him some great gifts without completely breaking the bank.
The Day-to-Day
I used to put a lot of pressure on myself at home. If TC was at work doing his job, then I needed to get everything done here at the house every single day. Oh, and take care of Hudson.
Over time, I’ve let up on myself a lot. Laundry may get done, but it takes a few days for it to get folded. The dishwasher may get run, but it may not get unloaded and there may still be dirty dishes in the sink at the end of the day.
My house is not a sty– because I just can’t live that way because my OCD ways have not gone completely by the wayside.
But I’ve made sure, over time, not to let myself feel like I have to get it all done every single day. Somedays, Hudson and I stay in our pajamas all day long and spend a lot of time cuddling on the couch. And that’s okay.
When I was working (and getting paid), I didn’t every put pressure on myself to tackle my entire to-do list every single day. My first priority is Hudson. His safety, his happiness, his development, and his health.
What We’ve Learned
The whole process has been an adjustment. I feel like there are parts of our lives that I have complete control over (my responsibilities in the home) and there are things that are completely out of my hands. There is some guilt that comes with being the one that stays home. Just like there is extreme pressure that comes with being the one that is the bread-winner.
Just as I said in my year-end post, I have had to make huge efforts to change my habits and my ways. And I’m not “cured.” I like things and I like pretty things. But I have to remind myself on a daily basis that those things aren’t important to us. It does make me look forward to birthdays and Christmas because I know that my husband will usually surprise me with a great gift that I’ve been wanting for a while!
I also have found a lot of fulfillment from blogging. I can’t imagine what my life as a SAHM would be like without this hobby and the community associated with it.
If any of you SAHMs or working moms that understand some of what I’m talking about have anything to add from your experiences- advice, comments, etc.- please share them with me! This job is the hardest I’ve ever had, but also my absolute favorite. I love what I do every day even though it’s hectic and completely not glamorous!
I am a working mom with a 2 1/2 year old and pregnant with our 2nd, but I have an extremly flexible schedule. My work schedule is cyclical, and while I’m crazy busy for about 5 months out of the year, the rest of it is not that bad. Also, my boss is also my brother-in-law, which makes everything easier. Before kids, I tried really hard to not take advantage of this familial tie – I wanted people to essentially not know we were family (even though I knew they did know). Since having our first, I realized that God had allowed me to work there for a reason, and that it didn’t matter if I had a flexible work arrangement. If my boss was ok with it, then I needed to be ok with it. I do quite a bit from home during the busy season, but I make sure that I get to spend time with Hudson too. Also, we have both grandparents nearby, and he goes to a day school that goes thru Kindergarden 3 days a week, so its a really good setup. I realized very quickly that if I didn’t work where I did, I wouldn’t work at all.
That being said, there is still tremendous guilt associated with working. Alot of people make sideways comments about why I just don’t stay home with Hudson – and it’s easy to get caught up with not being an adequate or involved enough mom. But again, my work allows me to be involved, and more than adequate in my opinion, but it’s still easy to let others words sting a little, even when they aren’t meaning to be rude.
Sometimes I wish I could just walk away from my job and be a SAHM. And while I know I would love the time spent at home with my kids, I know that I would miss my job. Also, I’m a CPA, and if I did walk away from it and let all my credentials lapse, if I wanted to go back once my kids got in school, I’d have to retest and that is something that I can’t see myself doing. All that being said, it really irritates me when people make comments about how SAHM’s don’t work, because I know that that’s just not true.
AMEN! Everything you said is true. I often felt guilt for spending my husbands $ when I first left work. But now I see Greg’s point. He is the love of my life and I care for him, our home and our children and that means more to him than anything. Plus, the work we do as mothers, raising well-adjusted, polite, faithful children is worth more than six figures each year.
Friends always ask if I’ll ever go back. The answer is probably not as an attorney but I do see myself picking up projects here and there once my kids get into school.
Thanks for a fantastic post!!!
LOVE this post! I’m working part-time right now, but with Baby #2 on the way, I really want to be a SAHM next year! It’s encouraging to read about your transition!
Erin, this was such a great post. Thank you so much for sharing. I’m not a mom yet but I really appreciated your thoughts. Happy New Year!
This was a great post — very informative and cool to read about.
I’ve gone back and forth at various points in life about wanting to be a SAHM. The reality is now that I don’t think I’ll be able to be a SAHM anytime in the near future because we need my income — in fact, I actually make quite a bit more than my husband (don’t tell him that I told you that!). I’m lucky that I like my job a lot so “having” to work when we have kiddos doesn’t make me sad. But, that could all change someday. 🙂
I don’t have kids yet – but it’s always interesting to hear people’s perspectives on this issue because it’s so complex and weighs heavily on women. I think the most important thing is to be realistic – about your dreams, your passions, your family’s finances… and find something that works for you.
Great post! My daughter is 9 months old right now. I decided to go back to work, but only part time. Even though I have some income, I also feel weird about going out to buy things sometimes. I’m trying to be more thoughtful about the things I buy, especially clothes. I try to find things I can wear to work and when I’m chasing after a baby.
Most of the time I feel supported by friends in my decision to give up full time work, but I do feel like people can be a little judgemental, especially if I comment about being really busy.
I feel like this post came straight out of my mouth. I have been a SAHM for a little less than a year, and wow, what an adjustment it is. The best days and the worst days. Some days I miss working… the friendships, the challenges, the accomplishments and even getting dressed up everyday. Then I have days, like today, where we stay home and snuggle… and those are the days that I toss in my memory bank to keep for always.
I feel the same about Christmas… it is SO hard and a reality I struggle with. I, too, have a husband that insists it is “our” money, but I do have a hard time overcoming the feelings I have with that. I also struggle with the day-to-day… I feel like the house should be immaculate and dinner should be ready as soon as he comes home, since I am the one here all day. I have also made it my 2011 goal to take the pressure off myself and just enjoy, to count my blessings that I am able to stay home and raise my girls.
Being a SAHM is the hardest job I have ever had, but also the best… Cheers to us! 😉
BTW… one other book I would recommend, is Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. It’s a retelling of the book of Hosea and is one of the best books I have ever read. I am planning to come to SPOTS on Tuesday, so if you are coming, I will bring it for you if you would like. I am happy to pass it along.
Kilbi- I blogged about Redeeming Love a LONG time ago (years ago) and it’s one of my favorite books of all time. I actually wrote it on the table as my favorite book at the SPOTS about books. 🙂
It is so nice to hear your experiences with the decision and now with the reality of staying home. I, too, never really thought about staying home with my kids while growing up and in college. Now, that the time to start a family is getting closer I have been thinking about it more and more. I’m not completely convinced that it is something that I would enjoy. When Ty starts residency he won’t be making much more than I make now. I can’t imagine just living off his income with a baby. It would be nice to have two incomes for a while. But, who knows. Maybe I’ll have a baby and never ever want to work again. I can’t see myself working forever. I would love to be involved with various things, and be able to be there when my kids need me without having a full time work schedule.
Thank you for sharing your thought process! With our first baby on the way, these are things I think about all the time.
Great post. You’re so articulate about your feelings. I’ve actually been thinking about posting on why I like being a working mom, so maybe this is the extra push I needed to do it. I’m sure I’ll get negative comments, but I want people to know the other side too and why they shouldn’t feel guilty about working. You should just do whatever works best for you!
It is such a huge decision when you bring a little one into the world. Being a new mom to a 3.5 month old, my hubby and I had to make some tough decisions about what I should do. Once my baby was here, I didn’t want to go back to work. I started thinking of every possible way I could stay at home, lose the income, and still make ends meet. In the end, we decided that it was best for me to return to work…mainly for our financial security. Even though we are paying gobs of money to send our baby to daycare, we still fare better with me bringing in income than having none at all from me (this includes health benefits, 401k, etc, etc, that I get from working as well).
My hubby and I cried and cried the first day we sent our baby to daycare. It didn’t feel natural at all. I kept thinking of all of the moments I was going to miss with my baby by being away from him so long during the day. But the daycare is a great one, and I’ve come to trust the caregivers (plus, I can watch him on internet video while he is there). And I make the most of my time with my son when we are at home together.
I have also returned to work. And I have found that I did miss working. It makes me feel like I am doing something productive. I am sure that if I had become a SAHM, I would’ve found activities outside of the home to get involved with just as you have. I just need that time away from home to refresh myself, so that I when I am at home, I can be the best mommy and wife.
I am also in the process of changing jobs. My new job is going to allow me more time at home. My other job was not flexible, and I often got stuck working late nights. So knowing that I have a new job with more family-friendly hours has made the transition easier.
It’s definitely not an easy decision. And there are pros and cons to whichever road you choose. And the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.
thank you for this post…i, like you, never thought about staying at home until after college and after my first job. we still don’t have children, but i think the consensus is that WHEN we do I’ll be there at home to care for them. it’s just very scary to think about a family on one person’s salary, but i love what you said about God providing…He always does! i just can’t wait til the day when i can spend all day snuggling with a little one on the couch and investing in a little life 🙂
I thoroughly enjoyed reading your post and seeing what a SAHM perspective is and the way in which you made the decision.
I must admit that I am quite envious of your scenario and would someday love to be in your shoes, but since I am the primary breadwinner by default – I am stuck in the working world. My five month old is in excellent care with my parents during the week and while that makes it a little easier to walk out the door in the morning, it is more difficult than I ever anticipated. I sometimes drive in on my commute with tears in my eyes thinking about how this is harder than the labor that I went through to have her in my arms.
I have been reading your blog for quite some time and for some reason – today was the day to come out of voyuerism and say “Hi” and let you know that I hear you – and, like I said – I am envious, but I think that I can understand just how much work taking on the role of SAHM entails.
I loved this post, even though I don’t have any kids yet. It’s been interesting to read your thought process on this since having Hudson. I’ve actually always wanted to stay at home once I have kids, but as I encounter more of my friends having children and hearing their struggles to find “adult time” and missing former jobs, etc. I have no idea what I’ll end up doing. We’ll see, I guess!
I love this! I’m two weeks ahead of you on having our baby and all I want is to stay home but I have so many mixed feelings about it. Mostly about the contribution to our money situation. So, it’s nice to know you’re not the only one who worries that it’s yours vs. ours and that you stress over making sure the house is perfect when my husband gets home.
I guess everyone struggles with all of this, and it’s such a breath of fresh air to hear it.
Thank you so much for sharing this post. Babies have been on our minds recently, and with that, has also come the consideration of working mom vs. SAHM. Personally, I hope I’m able to stay home with our future children, and my husband agrees. But you bring up some great points of discussion from both sides of the fence. It’s never too early to start the discussion!
Just came across your blog. I stayed at home with our boys for 17 years. I would not change a thing. I am so thankful that God allowed me the gift of being home with them. Money was very tight at times, but I promise, God allows provided. He always does. 🙂 Miss seeing you.
Good for you! You’re lucky-not because you had the option of staying at home, but because you were in a place to make a choice that was both something you wanted and was best for your family. I’m sure many are envious of the fact that you weren’t pushed into one or the other.
Me? Imagining my future family and future self, I cannot see staying at home full-time. My partner and I have discussed the topic a bit, and we think that for us, if our career and schooling plans stay the same, that he will actually be the one to spend a period of time at home with our kid(s). But this is a far-off future self.
Loved this insight – I never thought I wanted babies until I met Evan… then it was “babies are great but I will NEVER stay at home”… Now babies are on the horizon and I’m really starting to think about both options. I think, growing up, I had such a skewed picture of SAHM vs. Working Moms… My mom worked – and worked hard! – as a special education teacher. But when I was young, she worked 3/4 days. Even when she switched to full-time, she still had the same schedule as I did and the same vacation days and break time off. So I basically got a working mom who was at home all the time! Best of both worlds, right? I guess I just thought you could make that work with ANY job… So untrue… Definitely not mine and probably not with the vast majority of other traditional careers. So I have some soul-searching to do for sure!
Love this and thank you for your honesty! We are not parents yet, but the plan is that I become a SAHM. I am a lot like you in that I have never thought that I *could* stay home in that I would crave adult interaction, miss feeling productive in a job, etc. However, I think of how both my husband and I were raised with our moms being home and I couldn’t imagine our children not having that. I imagine that it will be quite an adjustment financially and emotionally, but with open communication with spouses, I am sure it will work out!
Oh Erin.
You have no idea how you took my thoughts out of my head. I am VERY new to this stay at home thing. I used to teach 20+ kindergarten kiddos and went from going 90+mph a day to life with a little baby and staying at home. I was a huge schedule to the minute person…not so much any more. Now a kindergarten teacher is a VERY flexible person and fun-if I do say so myself-but I like a schedule.
Now I am happy if I run the washing machine WITH clothes in it…..good grief! How did I forget to put the clothes in????
Thanks for the post…I am newly going to start my own blog and I am excited and nervous at the same time. But….I would like to join this fun community too!
XO
i JUST wrote a post about this- I’m a full-time stay at home Mommy to a beautiful 5 month old and have embraced my transition from full-time RN to full-time Mommy. There are days when I get easily frustrated that the house isn’t clean, I can’t buy that new top (although nothing fits the same these days and that’s a small consolation!), and the dog hasn’t been walked.. but being a full-time Mom has been the most rewarding and fullfilling job I’ve ever had. It’s more than worth it and in my heart of hearts I know I was meant to stay home with Carter. I wouldn’t trade it for all the JCrew in the whole world 🙂 Here’s my post, if you’re interested!
http://iloveyoumorethancarrots.blogspot.com/2011/01/my-new-full-time-job-and-why-i-stay-at.html
This is a great post. I love the way you addressed the financial consideration. I feel like the SAHM/Working Mom debate always treats that wrong.
My daughter is 5 months old and I went back to work after maternity leave, four days per week. For us, it was financial. Even at 80% of my old pay, I make a good salary. My husband has productivity-leveraged pay, so he takes home a smaller salary and gets quarterly pay-outs. This is great for saving and paying off our mortgage in chunks, but not good for day-to-day.
We started off with a nanny and that was horrible. If we didn’t have any other choices, I would be at home right now. She had seemed wonderful in the interviews, her references glowed about her, but she did not work for our family. Her idea of child care (television all day for an infant and no routine at all ) and mine were quite different. Fortunately, being the worry wart that I am, I had paid for a spot at a 5 star daycare right by my office. It is wonderful. Her teachers are well educated, kind, respectful and–most importantly–love our little one. The parents and management of the facility are great as well. My husband and I split the responsibility of drop off and pick up, which helps with the grind of being a working mom. I go to see my daughter during lunch if I don’t work through. The few times that I have gone out to run errands during lunch, the guilt has been overwhelming. I see a stroller and think, “I should be with my baby right now.”
There’s a whole lot of pressure as a working mom, though from your post, the pressure is just different. It’s difficult to do both things well, or even OK. I’ve had to learn to embrace A-minus when I used to want everything I did to be A-plus. We are still adjusting, and, like you said, that’s OK.
In the new year, I’m trying my best to own my choices and be supportive of the choices that the other women in my life make.
Wonderful job on this post!
Having been a working mom and a SAHM over the course of my girls’ lives, I can honestly say that I don’t think there is one that is necessarily “better” than the other. BOTH have challenges, BOTH can leave you feeling unsettled about one thing or another… Either one you choose, there are always “those days”.
My oldest is in second grade and my 4 year old goes to preschool for 5 hours a day, 5 days a week. I always said that I was going to go back to school once they were both IN school everyday, and have decided that’s my next journey. I’m lucky that I can stop working to do so, but have toyed with the idea of getting something part time a few days a week, just to have some spending money of “my own”. (I struggle with the “our money” thing, too! I think that’s a normal thing, especially women who have supported themselves at one point or another!)
I’m so with you on this. I went from a working gal, who always wore the hottest trends {I still try … but usually on a budget} to a SAHM of a 7month old girl. I totally love it, but as you state, it’s far from glamorous.
My daughter and I spend at least ONE day in our jammies, hanging out, singing songs and playing. Sometimes I feel guilty, but I’m learning to not. It’s taken awhile to let the clothes sit in the dryer for a day or two. I’ve also learned that white v-neck tee’s go with everything and can be dressed up with a cute scarf, earrings, neclace …. and I’ve got quite a collection from my pre-baby era.
I can honestly say that the biggest adjustment {marriage and baby} was having my husband bring home the bacon. I was always successful and even had a side catering job that payed well and was my shopping spree money. I, like you, have found my little ways here and there to make a little cash {without infringing on my SAHM job}. More than anything, it makes me feel like I’m contributing something.
I love your post today.
Cheers!
Erin
I LOVED this post…definitely something Hubs and I are talking about for when our little one gets here in May. It’s good to know some of the ‘inside info’ from a veteran mommy!
Wow, you read my mind!!!! My fiance just started a new job YESTERDAY at a big accounting firm, and I am staying home with our 3 month baby girl. He always tells me not to worry about rushing back to work, and that he has always wanted the mother of his children to be able to stay home if she wanted to. I, unlike you, always knew i wanted to be able to stay home with my children. My mom stayed home for 16 years with her 4 kids, and I am SO ever grateful for that. I have been a SAHM for only 4 months now…and at LEAST once a week I feel guilty, or “not-important”, or like I should be “doing more”. Thank you SO MUCH for writing this post. Just yesterday I had a “poor me moment” and felt sorry for myself for not being more ambitious. But you know what, I KNOW staying home with my kids is the most important thing i will ever do in my life. It is just nice to know I am not alone sometimes!!
The our money/your money is something I experience quite often. My husband has been a commercial pilot for 16 years and I always feel like Im taking “his money” when I shop, even though he makes it very very clear that it’s our money. I completely understand what you say about that! I quit my job in Pharmaceutical Sales, where I was earning almost the same salary as he was. It was hard cutting back a whole 40% or so but it’s soooo worth it. My little Lauren is my job and Im happy to work with her every single day. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
Hi Erin,
I completly understand your feelings. I was married for 10 years before I had my first child and worked full time. I took off 6 months to be at home with him and found myself completly unable to relax. I was a cooking, cleaning, decorating, exercising fool. My sister, who was a stay at home Mom from the beginning, would laugh. It is a really hard adjustment and I just missed the interaction, and felt alone. I have tried it all: working full time, part-time and not at all. For me, the best balance was working part time. It felt to me like getting the best of both worlds but it is not always easy to find a part time job that fits. It helps to have experience that people are willing to hire you part time for. I think you could probably find that part time work given your education and experience if that is something you might think you would like to do.
It is ok to want nice things. You have worked hard and studied for a very long time and I am sure you are excellent at event planning!! Companies will pay for this expertise and would probably prefer someone on contract as opposed to a full time employee. I’m just trying to say….from my experience it doesn’t have to be all one or the other. There can be a mix which is what worked best for me. Best of luck to you!
What a great post! I love how truthful and honest you are.
I worked full time until my oldest was 3 years old. It was so hard for me. I cried more days than I care to remember. I have another baby now who will be 2 in March. Being at home with him has been challenging. I was never “fully” at home with my older son during this age because I was working. Both “jobs” are difficult, but I would not trade ANYTHING for these years that I have been at home with both of my sons. I had my 20 year class reunion last year, and I had a complex like I have never had before about not working. One of the girls in my class is HIGHLY successful at her job, and I felt like she looked at me and shook her head. I had a Master’s Degree and a great job. I know some people cannot fathom giving up a good paycheck to stay home with their kids. But all of our different choices is what makes the world go round!
Great post. I don’t know what I will do b/c I don’t know life without a career. I have worked non-stop since being out of college and typically in high pressure/intense jobs…probably because part of me really thrives in that environment (I could NOT have a job where I played on the internet all day…not to suggest some people want that, but my point is that I’ve always had jobs that are mentally challenging and keep me on my toes).
Now that we have a baby on the way, part of me wants to just say “to heck with it, he will never be little again” but then I have moments where I totally doubt that…like “did I really go to college and push myself to do well and push myself to excel at work just to throw it all away?” I guess there is the fear that once I leave the work place I may be losing part of my identity (and part of where I probably derive my self-confidence from, at least thus far).
I plan to play it by ear, to see how I feel, but there are no easy answers and the grass is never greener in reality (I always say you’re just selling one struggle to buy another – that’s life!). I toured a daycare today, and while I love, love, loved it, I was also fighting back tears at that thought of leaving my little man there. And is it selfish if I put him in daycare because I need work to feel good? Ah, so many questions!
I am sitting in awe right now just thinking “this post was meant for me to read.”
I went from a nurse and officer in the military to being a stay at home mom this year. My 5 month old is the light of my life but my pride often gets the best of me. I have a hard time not being a “financial equal” and bringing home a paycheck every month. I was so unnerved about buying my husband’s Christmas gifts “with his own money” that I finally ask him to agree to no gifts this year (a weekend getaway instead.)
I SO APPRECIATE you opening your heart and sharing this on your blog. It’s just so nice to know that I’m not the only one that occasionally has/had hang ups about staying home.
I could have written this exact post! I am blessed that I can stay at home with our son, but it surely is not the easiest thing either! I do miss all the freedom to buy nice things, but prefer this way of life! you did a great job of explaining it!
Found your blog through my good friend Emily (living our own fairytale). This blog post was really refreshing to read…I NEVER anticipated or aspired to be a SAHM, but my last job was very demanding and required weekly travel and therefore not conducive to the needs of an infant, so I resigned 3 weeks after my maternity leave was up. It has been a difficult transition, but at the same time very rewarding. There are definitely days I struggle with the sacrifices we have to make on a daily basis (elaborate vacations, shopping sprees), but then I take a good hard look at what I’m blessed to do every day and my perspective changes. I definitely have moments of frustration regarding the responsibilities at home and caring for a baby 24/7, but I think it’s all a game of “give and take,” no matter which side of the “field” you’re on. I’m currently struggling w/ the realization that upon completion of my master’s degree, I’m all set to re-enter the workforce (to some degree) and that means leaving my 10-month old daughter more days a week than our current one day at an in-home daycare. I’m sure it will all work out according to God’s master plan for us, but I’m sad to leave my current status, something I never imagined I would love so much. Thanks for this post 🙂
I’m glad you wrote this post! I don’t have children yet, but when we do I would love to stay home. I never thought I would want to stay home. After teaching kids from 2yrs to 3rd grade, I would really love to be able to. It would not have been a possibility when my husband and I were both teaching, but now that he has decided to change careers, I hope it will be an option in the future.
Erin, I could talk to you about this for hours. I have days where I feel incredibly vulnerable being a SAHM. That I am so dependent on him and when we go to make BIG decisions I feel really insecure about putting my foot down and having a strong opinion. I knew I wanted to be a SAHM. I would have done anything to be home with my kids. Thankfully it has worked out for us. One thing that has been a big thing for me is that I pay the bills. And I keep on top of all our insurance, 401K, everything. I certainly provides me with some responsibility and I feel like we are part of a team when it comes to managing our home. As for gift buying, my husband rarely buys for himself, so I don’t feel weird about it at all. Mostly because he NEEDs things. We also try to set a budget.
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for the post!!!
I really enjoyed reading this post. I am not a SAHM or even planning on it, honestly unless M makes the move from high school to college it will never be a choice for us. Since I am newly engaged I have been thinking about many things such as the financial part of it and I feel some of the same things. Michael is a teacher and I’m in grad school. I do work as a GA to cover my tuition and most bills as well as work for my dad doing transcriptions and scanning documents. I don’t make much and he tries to help me but I have had a hard time feeling guilty about it. Selfishly it makes me feel better knowing I’m not the only one feeling that way.
I also really loved your post. I’m a mom to a 2 month old and recently became a sahm. Although, I didn’t really have a choice in becoming a sahm, I’m finding that is one of the most rewarding jobs. I do hope to return to work in the future, but I’m trying to treasure every moment with my little girl. It was great to hear someone else’s perspective and to know it’s okay to want to be/ feel more productive.
thank you for this post. once we adopted our son, i dreamed of being able to stay at home with him, but we wouldn’t have been able to make it financially. now, the military recently moved us to Germany and the option to work out of the home was eliminated, due to where we are stationed, and i am 8 weeks in to being a SAHM. It was supposed to be a dream come true, but now I am sort of struggling with my identity and figuring out a schedule or routine of some sorts. Some days are really difficult and some days are great. (oh, and I think I’m a week or two ahead of you, with my first pregnancy – due May 10th with a little boy!)
anyway, thanks again!
I have a lot of the same feelings that you’ve written
about. Alex & I have to have the “it’s our $ not my $ talk” every so often. I start feeling like I’m not contributing like he does and he has to remind me that the way I contribute is just as important. There are certainly days where he comes home & I feel
like I’ve chased Amelia all.day.long. That’s it – nothing else was done. I’m always trying to
find a way to get more done in a day w/out stressing out. My shopping habits have changed drastically – no more $200 shoes on a whim. Of course, what do I need with $200 as a SAHM? Haha!
Oh how things have changed. 🙂 But for the better.
Great post!
That was to read, what do I need with $200 shoes. Haha! I’m commenting from
my phone – oops!
Very interesting post and comments from readers. This is such a complex issue that really varies by the individual family. I’m not close to that point myself as I’ve yet to meet “the man of my dreams” but I have some friends now that are married and thinking of starting to grow their families and it seems that some of the decision (other than finance issues) depends on where you are with your career. For me, I’ve invested a great deal of time, money, and effort in my education and am pretty much just starting out my career. Hopefully for me the timing will work out such that I can achieve career fulfillment and family fulfillment.
this is a great post. thanks for being so candid and sharing this!
Erin, thank you for being so honest and up-front about your situation and your decision. You are awesome!
It was so nice to see your insight! I work part-time right now with an eight-month old baby. I feel that I have the best of both worlds, but also the worst of both worlds.
On the one hand, during the mornings, I get to continue my career, make some money, get out of the house, and have some adult interactions. Then in the afternoons, I get to cuddle my little guy, spend time with him, and take care of the household.
On the other hand, there is never enough time. I feel guilty every day when I leave work at noon. I feel like I am not putting in enough time or energy at my job. I also feel like I don’t get to spend enough time with my son. By the time I pick him up from day care, it’s time for his afternoon nap, and he spends most of the afternoon sleeping. Also, once you discount the amount of money we are paying for day care, I am really not bringing in that much money.
It’s been a hard road, I am not sure whether the answer for me is to go back full-time, or go to SAHM. I am just sort of riding this out and hoping for enlightenment.
Thanks for your thoughtful post, it’s nice to know other people are going through the same sorts of issues 🙂
It was so nice to see your insight! I work part-time right now with an eight-month old baby. I feel that I have the best of both worlds, but also the worst of both worlds.
On the one hand, during the mornings, I get to continue my career, make some money, get out of the house, and have some adult interactions. Then in the afternoons, I get to cuddle my little guy, spend time with him, and take care of the household.
On the other hand, there is never enough time. I feel guilty every day when I leave work at noon. I feel like I am not putting in enough time or energy at my job. I also feel like I don’t get to spend enough time with my son. By the time I pick him up from day care, it’s time for his afternoon nap, and he spends most of the afternoon sleeping. Also, once you discount the amount of money we are paying for day care, I am really not bringing in that much money.
It’s been a hard road, I am not sure whether the answer for me is to go back full-time, or go to SAHM. I am just sort of riding this out and hoping for enlightenment.
Thanks for your thoughtful post, it’s nice to know other people are going through the same sorts of issues 🙂
Sara, that is my position exactly! You say it well, best of both worlds and worst of both worlds (especially in the morning for me). I’m so thankful for the extra time with my baby, but I do feel bad when I’m leaving work so much earlier than everyone else. And I feel like I have really high expectations for what my house should be like because I don’t have to work all day.
BEB- Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. I currently work as a corporate event planner, which requires lots of late hours and a lot of travel! Although this was my dream job 4 years ago when I started, I know that I can not manage that schedule and have children (which is on the horizon for me and my husband). I would hope that I can be a SAHM, but then what if that is not for me either… It is nice to hear your insight and the insight of these other women!
Oh, I totally agree with Sara (above). I teach part-time at the community college and run a stationery company with my sister. I love the flexibility but have to remind myself that I can’t work two jobs AND be a mommy full-time. It’s so hard to divide the time. Add Junior League commitments, church, and a social life to the mix, and you’ve got one very stretched-to-the-max woman. However, I love all of my jobs. I wanted (still want?) to stay at home full-time with Molly, but financially, we just can’t do that. Yes, we have made so many cuts but the hubs was out of work for 8 months when M was born so we ate through our savings quickly. Maybe by the time the next kiddo comes around, we’ll be in a better position. I think being a mom is tough, any way you look at it. SAHMs struggle, WAHMs, part-time working moms struggle, and full-time out of the house moms struggle. BUT, the kids make everything worth it, no matter what side of the fence you’re on! Thanks for sharing your story, Erin. I think it is so similar to so many of ours!
Enjoyed watching a few minutes of Hudson and his puzzle. I just had to share this litte tid-bit: I teach kindergarten in Indiana, and your little guy knows more letters than one of my students! Maybe I should buy M&D puzzles for him…poor guy 🙂 I do have several of their products in my classroom. Toys R Us has a great selection of their things.
Love this post–very thoughtful and realistic.
I love this post. I stay at home with three little girls (5, 3 and 1) and my I’ve tried to learn that peace has nothing to do with quiet… but anyway, I just wanted to comment on the feelings of guilt over spending the money he made. I really don’t have this problem at all. I think of it as the fact that I’m working very hard at home and the money we save by not putting our children in daycare and all of the expenses that go along with that adds up to quite a bit. Also, I try to supplement our income with small jobs like embroidery and I try to clip coupons and sell little things on ebay or whatever to make a difference. My job at home is just that, a job. I manage our household and I do it to the best of my ability. My job is to make this a great home for him to come home to and for our children to grow up in. There’s no price tag or salary that can beat that!
Erin, thanks for writing about this. My transition from working full-time to being a SAHM has been more interesting and harder than I thought, especially when I’ve wanted/planned all along to be a SAHM someday. It is a good life and one I am blessed to be living but it’s also hard and there aren’t just a whole ton of people I know who are in my same boat and we can relate. It’s also such an emotionally charged issue and when talking with various girlfriends (especially working moms) I feel guilty if I complain about not having enough time or something when I think that they might be thinking “but you’re home all day”. It’s an interesting road and I am thankful for all God is teaching me through it. Kelly
I am scheduled to go back to work in two weeks and I am so stressed. My little boy is two months old and it is so hard to imagine someone else getting to spend all day with my baby. I don’t think it would be this hard if I had known from the get go that I’d be going back to work. My husband is also a lawyer and decided to move to a smaller firm so he’d have the ability to spend time with the kiddo too.
I really enjoyed reading this post! As a newlywed, I’m not quite there yet, but it’s something that has always been in the back of mind. I would love to raise my children as a stay at home mom, but there are career pressures at the same time. It will be interesting to see what will happen when that time comes for our family. You have a beautiful family!
Great Post! Thanks so much for sharing! I’ve definitely starred this for when it comes time for me to stay home. I’m sure I will have a lot of the same thoughts you have had, and you handle everything so gracefully, I will need your advice.
I have three children and have been a SAHM for the past 7 years. Just recently I started working one to two retail shifts at a store I love and it has been so much fun to get out of the house, make some extra cash, and get a fabulous discount. I highly recommend it! Anyway, as far as the money goes my husband and I have worked out a great system. On the 1st and the 15th he makes a deposit into a checking account that I use for bills and expenses. He doesn’t use the account so it feels like “my money” so to speak. We have another account for paying expenses other than the normal monthly expenses. I always have enough left for some shopping and I am able to buy him gifts without feeling like I’m using “his money”. Believe your husband and let go of the guilt. Think of it this way, if you were working and had to pay someone to do what you do for your family all day every day, what would it cost?
just now reading this post. I am a SAHM who has a 5 yr old son. I love being a SAHM & could not imagine not sharing these past 5 yrs w/ my child. BUT – this is what works for me & my family ! My husband travels for his business & works very long hours, so it makes his life less stressful knowing that I am here taking care of the homefront. Just my 2 cents !
I have been a stay at home mom now for 6 years. I have a 8 year old and 12 year old. My husband drives truck and is gone 98% of the month. I take care of the bills, make sure meals are cooked, kids are clean, house is picked up (or as clean as its going to be while the kids are still growing). I tried a couple times to go back to cutting hair but didnt work out as well as I had planned…after being home so long with my kids. I missed the luxury of having that extra 10 minutes to myself to get the shopping done, or paying the bills without having to run around with my head cut off…but I missed the adult time! Big Time…..
About a year and a half ago I’d been praying for something that I could do to bring in enough money to have some extra money on hand or to pay a bill or two. A friend of mine came up to me and mentioned about Scentsy….I signed up just to feed my addiction. now they have expanded into the UK and Germany and am so excited for the mothers in those countries to be able to do something like this…be home with their kids still have time for that morning coffee without the screaming…and to relax. I love doing it and it gets me out of the house every now and again so that I can have that adult conversation, cuz that is what I missed the most….the walls only listen they dont talk!
This is an excellent post! And I love the conversation that is coming out of it. I have done it all – stay at home, work full-time, and work part-time – with our 16 month old little girl. We have found that part-time works best for us. But it was a lot of trial and error to find a setup that worked, with the right babysitter/daycare, supportive company, and working hours. Whenever I get nervous about the thoughts of baby #2 and how we will make it all work, I think, “If it doesn’t work for my family, then I quit. End of story.” I also think the key is having supportive mommy friends that you can call whenever you have a doubtful, guilty moment. Nothing like a pep-talk to get you back to feeling good.
I am a regular reader of your blog, but I re-read this post from the link-up on “I Pick Pretty” and it has a different meaning to me now than when I read it a year ago. A year ago, I was newly pregnant, and realizing that I would be moving from working full time to becoming a full time mom. But, because I hadn’t yet taken the step, your words were still hypothetical to me.
But, reading it now, I feel like I could have written the “Transition” and “Day to Day” sections. We just had our first one-salary Christmas, and it was a bit strange buying Hubs gifts from “his” salary. Even though I know it’s “our money,” it still feels different than when I was contributing financially.
Thanks for posting this!
Hey there! Thanks so much for playing along with my link-up. 🙂
I’m certain I must have read this before, but it’s fun coming to it a second time now that I have more SAHM life under my belt. I absolutely relate to feeling that initial pressure of wanting to keep a perfect house, in order to feel like I was doing my “part” while my husband was at work (and also because I prefer things to be tidy). Thankfully time and sleep deprivation have cured me of that, so I also give myself more leeway now with the housework and try to stay focused on my primary job of raising a happy, healthy little boy.
Well done as usual, friend.