What is it about the weather that affects our outlook so much?
In this case, I don’t think it’s just the weather. I think a lot of it is time, too.
As you all know, we’re in a really interesting season of life. I’m a planner. I planned to have us sell our house, and that took a whole lot longer than we expected.
And then I planned that we’d find a house that we loved enough to make an offer – or that something wasn’t seriously wrong with- and that didn’t really happen. So we moved in with Todd’s grandmother.
And then I was surprised and delighted to find out that I was pregnant. Only to go through a heartbreaking miscarriage very soon after finding out.
I didn’t plan any of this.
This season has been one of dryness for me. And maybe even a little bit of bitterness. I haven’t felt like myself in months.
Since the miscarriage, I have felt empty and heartbroken. I’ve felt confused. I’ve still been trying to convince my heart that we won’t be having a baby in September and I need to stop thinking about the plans associated with that.
But this week, the rain stopped. The cold left. And the gorgeous, skin-warming sun showed up.
The boys and I got outside. We’ve all laughed. Real, true laughter. Not laughter that hides the pain, but real laughter where you don’t even know what pain feels like because you’re so happy.
I look at my precious Hayes and realize that I’m not ready for him to be the middle child. Every single bit of him is my tee-tiny baby and I’m just not ready to give that up.
The dryness is leaving me. I’ve cried out daily for God to take this pain from me, but I hadn’t been putting in the time to allow Him to fill me up. I had just been in constant mourning, and a whole lot less praise.
We drove by our lot on Tuesday morning and there was a bulldozer. The work has begun. The earth is being moved. The foundation is being laid. Our new chapter is on the horizon, and I can see it. Clearly.
In the mean time, we’re content. The sadness is still there for me, but life is moving along. And we’re all in a good place.
I know that days will come when I’ll think about September and what could have been. Maybe the day will come someday when we’re ready to finish out that fifth bedroom in the new house to welcome a new family member.
Right now, though, we’re just content to be. We’re soaking up moments with grandparents who live right down the road and two silly little boys who have the rare experience of growing up with a great-grandmother.
The sun is out. Summer is coming. The azaleas are in bloom, the windows are rolled down, and the music is cranking. God has delivered this new season to us and here’s my opportunity to seize it.
We’re soaking up the sun. We’re enjoying each minute with each other (and don’t be mistaken, we’re still having to discipline imperfect children). And we’re just going to sit back and watch our new home rise up.
And that’s exactly what I want for my family.
