Erin Akin Carroll

Can I just say that? I know that I’m supposed to say that and I know I would be a totally horrible person if I admitted that I didn’t like being a mom, so of course I have to say that I love being a mom, right? (whew–that was a long sentence!) But I do. I love it.

I love this little boy so much and that’s obvious. What’s not to love? He’s so sweet and such a cuddler. And he relies on us for everything. We are everything to him and vice versa. But there’s the less obvious things… the things about being a mom that work with my personality and strengths.

I’m crazy organized. I love calendars and schedules and feel lost without them.  So much about being a mom is all about being organized and scheduled. This little guy has the most accurate internal clock. He wakes up every three hours during the day. On. The. Dot. I knew today that he would wake up around 4:45 to eat and then at 4:45 he started stirring and his little eyes popped open. There’s nothing unpredictable about that.

So every three hours, I change him, feed him, burp him, and hold him. Sometimes he falls asleep and lets me put him in his crib or bouncy seat. Other times he falls asleep and won’t let me put him down and really wants me to hold him for that nap. But for the most part, our little three hour routine is the same. We have these wonderful little charts that we fill out for all of his little daily events so we can track the times of everything during the day. I love charts!

I’m not saying that I know every single thing that’s going to happen and that nothing unpredictable happens. There’s plenty of unpredictability in this. Like sometimes I don’t know that he’s going to just have an “off” day and cry for two hours. He has never cried for two hours straight, but we’ll soothe him and then about fifteen minutes later he might start up again. I can’t say that’s my favorite part.

I do love that he already knows that I’m his mama and that I’m the best at soothing him. That’s what moms are for. It’s still hard to believe that I am his mommy and that at this point in his life, more than anyone else, he wants me. (When he’s old enough to stop using me for food, he’ll want his daddy more!)

I don’t want this to sound like this job is a walk in the park. I’ve already mentioned in a previous post that this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Having this much responsibility is always scary and it is 24/7 responsibility. I can’t ever check it at the door… at least not until we’re ready to leave him with a babysitter for the night. I miss hanging out with our friends. I didn’t get to go see My Sister’s Keeper with my girlfriends because I haven’t healed enough to go sit in a movie theater and I just wasn’t ready to leave Hudson for the night. I miss restaurants and great food. I miss my old pre-pregnancy body. I miss buying clothes that are a size 4 and have accepted that it’s going to be a long time before I can do that again.

But those feelings are always short lived. They come and then they go because I know that the days that I have at home with this tiny boy (not so tiny at 12 pounds, but you get the point) are limited. The movies, the restaurants, and the friends will always be there, but I’ll never get these days back. When we have our future children, I won’t be at home alone with them. Hudson will be there and he’ll demand my attention. So I’ll be sharing my attention with two children. I’m not in any rush to get out and get a baby-free night. I know I will be someday. The day will come when I say to Todd that we absolutely have to get out and do something that adults do, but for now I’m enjoying just being at home.

And here’s your daily fix of sweet Hudson’s face. There are a few more new pictures on the Baby Hudson page. Enjoy!