This post kind of came out of no where. People have asked me about my decision to stay home and this is just the story about the transition from our perspective. Some of you are stay-at-home moms. Some of you have tried it and hated it. Some of you say you never want to try it because you know you’d hate it. Some of you want to try it. No matter what category you fall under, though, this is the process from our family’s perspective.
The Decision
For most of my life, it was never ever my dream to be a stay-at-home mom. I never even considered it. I had dreams of being an architect (6th grade), on Broadway (early high school), and a graphic journalist for a magazine (late high school). As I got through most of college, I realized I wanted to do event planning and I pursued that further with a graduate degree. I had dreams of going to big cities and planning huge weddings. Or going to work for a major corporation to do all of their corporate events.
But even when I entered the working world and had my first job and my second job, the thought of staying home with my children never crossed my mind. Not because I thought I wouldn’t like it. And we had never discussed whether or not we could afford. It just never even came up.
But when I got pregnant with Hudson and I started to think about what we would do when he was born, I couldn’t think about anything else other than staying at home with him. Not because I didn’t trust the daycares and preschools in town. But something just told me that deep down that was what I wanted to do.
A lot of that decision had to do with my crazy hours at work. There were many nights during the week when I’d work until 7:00 p.m. or sometimes as late as midnight if I was preparing for a big event. I also found out I was pregnant in the fall of 2008– you know, when the economy really started to take a nose dive. I worked for a state University, so lay offs were going on all around me and furloughs were being discussed. I didn’t make much money to begin with. If only I could have been paid by the hour!
Because I had a masters degree, I was told that I had to teach a class every semester to help the department’s budget. Adjuncts wouldn’t be hired for those classes and staff that were qualified had to teach. But not for any additional pay. Working with students is a lot of fun, but it’s also very time-consuming.
So there I was, getting more and more pregnant, and faced with the decision of “should I stay or should I go?” Financially, it didn’t make much sense to continue working and the more I prepared for our baby, the more I wanted to stay at home. TC’s job situation changed and God provided. The decision was easy and now here I am. A stay-at-home mom.
The Transition
In the beginning, I didn’t do much to make any changes. We didn’t stick to a strict budget and just kind of flew by the seat of our pants. And then, after some time, that all had to stop.
I went through some months where I had to realize that I could no longer just run and buy the top I wanted or the shoes I wanted. But TC was insistent that I didn’t look at our family’s money as his money. That it was our money.
But that’s hard to see when you’re the one at home… not making any money.
Because it was our money and our future, we had to start putting chunks away for Hudson’s education and saving for our future. And looking at it all laid out like that, makes it a lot harder to just run out and buy something just because you want it in that moment.
In the last year or so, I’ve found other little side jobs and other sources of income to bring in a little bit extra. It’s not much extra, but it covers the shopping sprees for Hudson’s new clothes and things like that.
It’s hard to explain, though, when you feel weird about going out and buying Christmas gifts for your husband with the money he made at work. Do any other SAHMs feel that way? I know it’s our money, but it’s just an interesting place. So I talked to TC about it and he told me that I shouldn’t feel that way. And I got him some great gifts without completely breaking the bank.
The Day-to-Day
I used to put a lot of pressure on myself at home. If TC was at work doing his job, then I needed to get everything done here at the house every single day. Oh, and take care of Hudson.
Over time, I’ve let up on myself a lot. Laundry may get done, but it takes a few days for it to get folded. The dishwasher may get run, but it may not get unloaded and there may still be dirty dishes in the sink at the end of the day.
My house is not a sty– because I just can’t live that way because my OCD ways have not gone completely by the wayside.
But I’ve made sure, over time, not to let myself feel like I have to get it all done every single day. Somedays, Hudson and I stay in our pajamas all day long and spend a lot of time cuddling on the couch. And that’s okay.
When I was working (and getting paid), I didn’t every put pressure on myself to tackle my entire to-do list every single day. My first priority is Hudson. His safety, his happiness, his development, and his health.
What We’ve Learned
The whole process has been an adjustment. I feel like there are parts of our lives that I have complete control over (my responsibilities in the home) and there are things that are completely out of my hands. There is some guilt that comes with being the one that stays home. Just like there is extreme pressure that comes with being the one that is the bread-winner.
Just as I said in my year-end post, I have had to make huge efforts to change my habits and my ways. And I’m not “cured.” I like things and I like pretty things. But I have to remind myself on a daily basis that those things aren’t important to us. It does make me look forward to birthdays and Christmas because I know that my husband will usually surprise me with a great gift that I’ve been wanting for a while!
I also have found a lot of fulfillment from blogging. I can’t imagine what my life as a SAHM would be like without this hobby and the community associated with it.
If any of you SAHMs or working moms that understand some of what I’m talking about have anything to add from your experiences- advice, comments, etc.- please share them with me! This job is the hardest I’ve ever had, but also my absolute favorite. I love what I do every day even though it’s hectic and completely not glamorous!
