Erin Akin Carroll

I’ve been blogging for nearly four years now. How did that happen? What began as a little hobby that I paid attention to maybe once a week has become so much more than that in my life.

I’ve had so many opportunities to let it die and forget about it, but I never have. And will I ever? I just don’t know.

In the past few weeks, I have noticed myself becoming more and more emotional. I guess those part-partum feelings of overwhelming, gut-wrenching love are finally catching up with me. I have become more and more aware of how precious every single day is with my boys. Each milestone causes my heart to break.

When Hudson was little, I celebrated every milestone. I praised him and encouraged him to do everything again. I was so excited for him to move on to each new thing.

photo by Angela Shea Photography

Now that Hayes is here, I feel a hint of sadness when he rolls over or when he reaches up and grabs the toys on his activity gym. Those are just the smallest little milestones, but I’m not ready to say goodbye to each phase. When he hits one milestone, I know another, bigger milestone is coming soon.

Even though I don’t always blog about my kids or the specifics of what they’re up to, blogging helps me memorialize every day. There are words from my heart occupying a tiny space in the world wide web.

I’m no longer working outside the home, so I don’t see the fruits of my labor coming to life in that way anymore. In a way, blogging has helped me find my voice. I am able to record my emotions. Share my stories. And there is always at least one person who tells me that they’re going through the same thing or feeling the same way. This is my little journal and it has become such a great little outlet for me. Sometimes days pass and I don’t have anything to say. But most days I can’t wait to just sit down and write just so I can find a way to express the way I feel. This blog is my voice and it’s a place where I can catch up with friends.

Over time, I may find a new way to express myself. I could start painting (highly doubtful) or crafting. Or maybe I”ll become a runner (again, highly doubtful). Or I could start becoming a serious cook! But it’s important that as I get overcome with responsibility for my little loves that I still maintain a place for myself. So my voice can be heard.

I love looking back to read what was going on just two years ago. And I know that someday I will look back and read that I was completely emotional about the fact that Hayes is almost four months old and how I never want him to grow up. I’ll read about how it was so crazy to watch Hudson become so big overnight when his brother was born.

photo by Angela Shea Photography

Taking twenty to thirty minutes every day to sit down and write has become a priority and it makes such a difference in each day. I do it for them and I do it for me.

I am still me. I am a mom, but I haven’t changed in every way. But it would be a lie to say that motherhood hasn’t changed me at all. My heart has completely changed. Who knew your heart could accommodate so much love? But I’m so happy the evolution is recorded in this blog. I can always go back to read about my kids and I can read about what was going on with m in my early life as a mommy.

What is your outlet? Where do you find your sweet spot?

We all have expectations. No matter our stage in life, we want to do what we do well. We want to be amazing. We want to be praised. And we don’t want to let anyone down… especially ourselves.

I’ve always worried about what people think of me. And I was the most critical of myself.

But here I am as a mom. And now I’m a mom of two. There’s another mouth to feed. There’s more laundry to do. There are more errands to run. There is a greater need to be miraculously blessed with another set of hands.

There’s a lot of guilt that comes with being a mom. Feeling guilty that we rarely leave the house anymore because it’s just hard and way too hot outside. Feeling guilty that Hudson is a picky eater and probably doesn’t have the greatest diet because of it. Feeling guilty that I leave them every Wednesday night for church. But I stopped feeling guilty about having to split my time between the boys during the day.

At any point during the day, you could probably walk into my house and hear at least one child crying or yelling. This is my reality. I happen to love it, but it’s my reality.

A few months ago, I realized that this reality won’t be changing any time soon. There’s not much I can do to change it. As much as I try, I cannot possibly make everyone happy all day long.

After Hayes was born, my mom stayed for three weeks. When those three weeks were up, I was so scared for her to leave. I worried about what I’d do if I was feeding Hayes and Hudson needed something. And what if I was tending to Hudson and Hayes started crying. How can I split myself evenly between two deserving children? They both need me, but how can I be everything to both of them at all times.

After a couple of days of being alone, I quickly realized that I just can’t. I can’t do it. I can be a mom. And I can be a great mom. But I can’t make them both happy all the time.

Fortunately, for all of us, Hayes is a very easy baby and only cries if it’s time to eat. That has been a huge blessing to me because Hudson wasn’t such an easy baby.

When I was pregnant with Hayes, I blogged about being nervous about being a mom of two. A few amazing commenters gave me some advice that has stuck with me and I’ve taken that advice. They said to tend to the toddler first if both kids are crying. The baby is probably just hungry and will be fine to wait for a minute. But the toddler will remember that you didn’t respond to his or her need.

So that’s how I’ve approached this “mother of two” thing.

It would be awesome if I had a meal on the table every night and we never ate leftovers. It would be fantastic if I found a way to shower and dry my hair every day while my kids patiently waited. It would be super if I ran all of our errands with both kids so TC and I could enjoy a stress-free weekend together without any errands to run. But that’s not my reality.

And I’m okay with that. Really, I am. Because my expectations are realistic. I just know that I can’t do it all. I’m never going to be Super Mom. I created a wonderful home organization notebook to help me stay on track because I don’t want my chores and responsibilities to pile up. But I’m still not Super Mom.

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And making a commitment to take it easy on myself has been a great decision. I don’t want to compare my kids to other kids. I’m getting better about not comparing myself to other moms and girls. I’m not going to be skinny without a lot of work. We’re not going to have everything in life handed to us on a silver platter. My house is not torn from the pages of a magazine, but instead there are crumbs and chocolate milk stains on the furniture. And I’ve just accepted all of it.

I used to go to sleep at night feeling like I didn’t have a handle on everything. And I’d toss and turn and stress over all of it. Hayes needs me, Hudson needs me, TC needs me, and I’m trying to maintain this household. But now I have a different feeling.

The same sweet people still need me and I need them. I still don’t always have a handle on everything, but I am getting better at it. But I’m not losing sleep. Because I’ve decided that there are only so many moments in this life. And the great moments aren’t going to make me lose sleep.

There are days when Hayes never cries, Hudson  takes a 4 hour nap, dinner is cooked and delicious, all the laundry is washed, dried, folded, and put away. There are some amazing days. I even travel alone with these guys and brave outings alone with them. And I think lowering my expectations has made me even more grateful for the great days.

(Another big factor in the change in my heart came from reading So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore, Radical by David Platt, and Crazy Love by Francis Chan. These three books made a huge impact in my life in the last 18 months and I’d highly recommend them.)

I know that there’s going to be disappointment. There will be tears. There will be tantrums. Expectations won’t be met. I’ll be overwhelmed. Toddlers will behave badly. I will behave badly.

But there’s going to be a whole lotta love. A whole lotta laughter. And too many wonderful memories to count.

Y’all, the Pinterest embed feature is about to make me lose my mind. I was so excited about this post and then I had to go in and manually link all of these pins and it just looks better when the embed feature is working. And I can’t remember the last time it was working. Oh well.

I’m linking up again for Pinnable Me Friday and this week I was inspired by all kinds of hospitality ideas for new neighbors, neighbor Christmas gifts, teacher gifts, and taking meals for new babies or bereavement.

It’s so funny that I was getting so frustrated with Pinterest in trying to make my post perfect. Twice this week I read the famous story about when Jesus visited Mary and Martha at their home. I am such a Martha. I always run around frantically making sure that everything looks great and is beautiful and “just right.” And then there’s Mary. Mary was sitting at Jesus’s feet and listening to him. And Martha is fuming mad because her sister has left her to do all the work. I want to be more like Mary. Mary is the one that truly “gets it.” {Luke 10:38-42}

So anyway, because I came across that story twice this week, I was inspired to pin some hospitality related pins.

The first I found was this great scripture on a canvas that reminds us to always be ready. Have your door open and be willing to invite someone in. Even if you just fix a sandwich!

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Then I started looking for neighbor gifts to take around for various holidays. Or maybe gifts that Hudson can pass out to friends at school.

I love this simple Halloween jars with ribbon and trail mix in Halloween colors. So easy and so thoughtful.

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Even though I can’t stand the taste of marshmallow Peeps, these Easter jars are adorable for neighbor gifts or Sunday school teacher gifts.

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The link below shows all of the different things to include on this super thoughtful “welcome to the neighborhood” gift. The little tag lists babysitter names and numbers, recommendations for doctors, schools, movie theaters, spas, great hair dressers. All the things people need when they move to a new town! Inside the brown bag is a yummy baked good of your choice. So sweet!

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This “Cookies for Santa” gift is great for neighbor kids or for party favors at a Christmas open house or drop-in. I have to make these this year!

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These last two teacher gifts are so cute, original, easy and thoughtful! I love the end of the year gift that includes a towel, a magazine, a sweet note and some candy. What teacher wouldn’t love to receive that from their student?

The same blogger also did these jars of sharpened pencils that include a personalized decal for the teacher’s classroom as a “first day of school” gift. I just love it!

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1. Hair Color. I was born a blonde and I feel like a blonde at heart. My eyelashes and eye brows are white blonde, but the roots on my head are dark brown. My husband prefers for me to stay blonde, although he’s never seen me any way but blonde. I have a hair appointment on September 1 and will get to make my final decision then. Do I get back to my natural color or stick with the blonde? One thing’s for sure… I’m not cutting any hair off! My friend Pretty in Pink Megan did one of those InStyle virtual makeovers on me and gave me a few different styles of dark hair and I kind of liked it. But she also gave me a tan, so I just don’t know!

2. Potty Training. I’m being taunted. Taunted by the big piece of porcelain in our bathroom. I need to gather up all of supplies and prizes so I can be fully prepared and organized before we start. I’m also pretty sure I can’t do it alone at home because of Hayes. KK is going to come down to help me with Hayes so we can knock this out! I just hope we’re ready. I hate to start before we’re ready. But I’ve heard so many success stories lately… and they were BOY success stories, so I’m thinking we can do this. I already got Hudson some underwear that I think he’ll be excited about. I just can’t believe we’re already here and it’s time to do this.

3. Discipline. Holy toddler town, Batman. I thought we had managed to avoid the high-pitched screaming in our house. But, oh no! Oh no! Not so fast. The high-pitched screaming is here. Hudson screams at Boudreaux for looking at him the wrong way. He screams when we correct him on anything. He just screams. I’ve pulled out all of the parenting books I’ve accumulated over the years and I’ve got my computer ready to watch the Moms on Call toddler session.

4. FOOD. Food. Food. Food. Food. Yes, this is a thought that is frequently at the front of my mind. And lately it’s all about making good choices and when I last ate and how much I ate. Eating lean protein and fresh vegetables and sweet fruit. I can get over the loss of French fries, but may sneak a bite of Hudson’s “Chick-a-lay” waffle fries every now and then. But can I get over the loss of sweets?

5. Cupcakes. Every single day, visions of cupcakes dance through my head. Maybe if I’d just go ahead and eat a dang cupcake I’d get over it. I think it’s really just the icing that I want. Yesterday, I wanted a piece of almond wedding cake. Since I didn’t have a wedding to attend and I’m not an amazing baker who can just whip up an almond flavored cake, I ate a handful of raw almonds. Believe me, I’m not depriving myself and I can usually find ways around these cravings. But will this be my life? Will I be haunted by cupcakes every single day? I can’t eat a cupcake every day, but I know I’ll want to eat a cupcake every day and I’ll think of eating a cupcake every day. But I lost another two pounds last week, so it’s worth it. I can be deprived of a cupcake in exchange for two pounds gone.

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6. Fall. Autumn. A change in season. It truly can’t come soon enough. Our temperatures have dropped into the low 90s and it really has made a huge difference. The mornings and evenings are cooler and comfortable for walking outside, finally. But I’m ready for fall clothes and football and chili and Halloween. I say it every single year, but you will never ever hear me complain about the weather being too cold. I love it!

7. I said “no” this week. Yay me.

8. I saw The Help again this past weekend. And I cried again. I think I may have liked it even more the second time. And every time I hear “You is kind. You is smart. You is important.”, I cry a little more. I think about my precious babies and how I hope they always know that.

9. School! School starts for Hudson on September 1 and I swear he’s counting down the days just like I am. Don’t get me wrong. This age is really challenging, but I love it so much. I love him so much. I love our time together every day. But we have run out of things to do here. And I’m glad the summer is almost over and for a few hours a day he’ll get a change of scenery. And then he can come home and tell me all about it and we can have a great time at home.

10. I talked to my dad yesterday and he said he read my blog post about Boudreaux and Hudson. He said I should have titled it, “A Dog and His Boy.” That made me think of one of my favorite Little Golden Books as a child, Mister Dog: The Dog Who Belonged to Himself. We read it to Hudson a lot now and I just love it. I still have my copy that my grandmother gave me. She wrote inside about how much my Dad loved it as a kid.

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What’s going on with y’all?

Toodles, poodles!