I write a “mommy blog,” and I’ve barely touched on the subject of motherhood this month. I’ve talked about removing the excess from my schedule and my kids’ schedules and what that can do for us in the evenings and on the weekends as a family of four.

But I haven’t talked about motherhood.

About the consuming love. About the fullness that comes over me when Hayes hugs me around the neck. About the way my heart swells when Hudson observes something for the first time and is able to articulate what he saw. About the fact that I’ll have a kindergartener next year and what that means for me.

Why haven’t I talked about my mama heart and finding white space there?

Because it’s not there. I don’t have a solution. I’m afraid there’s not one.

And it’s a place of vulnerability that I’ve actually been afraid to touch.

This love is all-consuming. This love keeps me awake at night as I pray myself to sleep and ask God to guard their hearts and protect them.

As each day goes by, there is a new set of challenges for each boy. New milestones. New developmental goals. New social issues.

My heart carries the burden of whether or not Hayes has caught up on all of his speech goals and how he’s keeping up with his classmates. It carries the burden of how Hudson is treating his classmates and how they’re treating him. Is he showing love, and is being shown the same love?

There are no goals to create white space in my heart. All I can do is pray for them and love them. And I won’t be looking for white space when it comes to that love. I will just trust God’s sovereignty. That He knew them before they were born, and that His plan for them is perfect.

Every day it’s a new challenge, a new milestone, or a new precious realization that they’re growing up.

I’m on my toes, and my heart is always ready for the next big thing. There is no rest for the mother’s heart. It’s just going to keep on loving. No vacation, girls night, clear calendar, or any amount of margin can take that from me.

This is Day 29 of 31 Days of Creating White Space

About a week ago, my friend Megan sent me a text that said, “How do we achieve white space without backing out of all of our commitments and alienating ourselves?”

I’ve watched Megan gracefully step down from a commitment in favor of being able to devote more time to her small children. And I know that took so much courage and self-awareness to recognize what was giving life to her and to her family. And she made the decision.

I think the answer to her question is to just ask God. Listen to His call for your life in this season.

God never promised us that things would be easy. We may be called to do things that are uncomfortable and messy. When Jesus tells us to take up the cross and deny ourselves, that’s not supposed to sound like a cake walk. Our calling, following Him, and denying ourselves isn’t about us.

But hearing that calling, recognizing His voice and where He wants us to be takes a full relationship with Him. So ask Him.

I’m making space in my life so that I can hear very clearly where He wants me and where He doesn’t. What is distracting me and making me so busy that I am rushing through quiet times? Rushing through my prayer life.

What do You want me to do, Lord? Where do You want me to serve?

The purpose of white space is not to create this cushy little space where we are in control of all of our commitments and obligations. Where everything is beautiful and clean and without mess. The Lord wants to mess us up.

Our pastor said yesterday, “Sometimes His gifts are pretty and sometimes He gives us a cross.” A cross. That is painful. It’s supposed to be painful.

He longs for our dependence on Him.

He wants to fill us up.

My answer to Megan, and for you, is that I’m leaning into Him and asking Him what to keep. And what to give up. And some of these things I already know in my heart are not life-giving. There are things in my life that make it nearly impossible for me to be filled by Him. And some are commitments and some are just things hanging in my closet.

How would you answer Megan’s question?

How do we achieve white space without backing out of all of our commitments and alienating ourselves?

This is Day 28 of 31 Days of Creating White Space

I hope this past week was a great one for you and that you were able to create some white space and margin to invest in people, the things you do very well, and spend time with the Lord.

I love a nice, restful Sunday so that I can soak up the good. But today actually won’t be all that restful. I’m giving myself some grace on this today. Three pretty big events all got scheduled on the same day, and it’s just one of those days where we will rush to each thing.

But this past week was really great. My laptop was in the shop all week, and that kept my evenings very clear. It was really refreshing to not even have the option to pick it up. That’s some major white space. It felt a lot like a void. That’s kind of sad.

My mom came to visit for a couple of days, and we loved every last second that we had with her. We miss her and Poppie so much.

I watched my boys laugh, fight, wrestle, hug, and generally enjoy being together. There are frequent tears with these two, but I’m loving watching this friendship develop.

We had a fun morning at the zoo with Ellen and her crew.

I had some sweet quiet time to sit and read a big stack of magazines. That happens more easily when your laptop is in the shop.

I spent a lot of time talking to sub-contractors and watching progress on the house. It’s getting closer!

The temperatures finally dropped, and we had a fun afternoon playing in the driveway and the front yard. And the boys wrestled in the leaves.

We pulled Halloween costumes together, and carved a pumpkin together. Really, the boys watched Todd and me carve the pumpkin because it’s pretty gross. But it was fun anyway.

I pray that this next week for you is full of His unending grace, some margin, and intentionality. I’m hoping to finish strong in the last days of Creating White Space.

This is Day 27 of 31 Days of Creating White Space

A reader named Susan commented on my post from yesterday, and she shared this treasure with me. And I wanted to share it with all of you today.

“The world’s kingdom is not where I want to be, so I’ve run from it – desperately and without direction. God has revealed to me that it isn’t about running from the world, but it’s about running to God’s Kingdom.”

Because the white space helps me to be intentional.

Because the white space helps me to prioritize.

Because the white space removes a lot of the things that I have found to fill my time and my space instead of asking Him to fill me up.

Because the white space helps me to hear Him and what He’s saying to me because I’ve given Him the room to move.

But His Kingdom is the prize before me. The world’s kingdom is not where I want to be, but I do have purpose while I am here.

This is the time to use the white space to love on people, show them Jesus, and run to God’s Kingdom.

This is Day 26 of 31 Days of Creating White Space