I write a “mommy blog,” and I’ve barely touched on the subject of motherhood this month. I’ve talked about removing the excess from my schedule and my kids’ schedules and what that can do for us in the evenings and on the weekends as a family of four.
But I haven’t talked about motherhood.
About the consuming love. About the fullness that comes over me when Hayes hugs me around the neck. About the way my heart swells when Hudson observes something for the first time and is able to articulate what he saw. About the fact that I’ll have a kindergartener next year and what that means for me.
Why haven’t I talked about my mama heart and finding white space there?
Because it’s not there. I don’t have a solution. I’m afraid there’s not one.
And it’s a place of vulnerability that I’ve actually been afraid to touch.
This love is all-consuming. This love keeps me awake at night as I pray myself to sleep and ask God to guard their hearts and protect them.
As each day goes by, there is a new set of challenges for each boy. New milestones. New developmental goals. New social issues.
My heart carries the burden of whether or not Hayes has caught up on all of his speech goals and how he’s keeping up with his classmates. It carries the burden of how Hudson is treating his classmates and how they’re treating him. Is he showing love, and is being shown the same love?
There are no goals to create white space in my heart. All I can do is pray for them and love them. And I won’t be looking for white space when it comes to that love. I will just trust God’s sovereignty. That He knew them before they were born, and that His plan for them is perfect.
Every day it’s a new challenge, a new milestone, or a new precious realization that they’re growing up.
I’m on my toes, and my heart is always ready for the next big thing. There is no rest for the mother’s heart. It’s just going to keep on loving. No vacation, girls night, clear calendar, or any amount of margin can take that from me.
This is Day 29 of 31 Days of Creating White Space