Heart

the Him in her

Filed Under: Faith

Jun272013

Envy is a weird thing.

Somedays I find myself completely at peace with where I am. Content with my living situation. Content with my family life. Content with my job status and not feeling overwhelmed with a need for possessions. Content with the direction my blog has taken and how that affects my daily life.

And then other days, I find myself listening to the lies of the enemy.

I see other successful, beautiful daughters of the Lord with different talents than mine. They’re being asked to do bigger things than I am. Their opportunities are more important and get more recognition and so they must just be “better” than I am.

They could be asked to serve in a specific way at church or be honored with a prestigious award. Maybe they never falter or get nervous and are always asked to speak at events and minister to a crowd. Or they get picked to partner with an amazing brand or they get picked to go on TV because their blog post went viral.

And the enemy lies to me and tells me that her purpose is more important than my purpose.

(Yes, I’m still soaking up every life-giving word in A Beautiful Purpose by Susie Larson. And I’m loving it.)

So when I get fed those lies, I question myself. What could I be doing differently? What should I change about what I’m doing? And then the enemy occasionally sends me to an ugly place and jealousy takes over. I don’t just beat myself up, but I start to critique the person who has been blessed with these gifts that I wish were mine.

“What has she done that’s any different than what I’ve done?”

In A Beautiful Purpose, I came across this one little line that said that when Susie Larson started to feel that way, she heard God say to her, “Can you honor the Me in her?”

(p. 43, A Beautiful Purpose)

And wow, y’all.

These women are my sisters in Christ. God loves them just like He loves me. And my talents and gifts may not be the same or as recognizable or as public as someone else’s, but they are important. They are there. I was blessed with talents and gifts and I just use them differently than the woman with all the recognition. And God is opening doors every single day for us to use the gifts He has given us.

It’s not her fault. She loves the Lord just like I do.

And when I can take a step back and remember that the things I do, the talents I use, and the gifts I share should be used for His glory, I can stop thinking about myself and start being happy for her.

I can use my talents to the best of my ability, glorify God through my talents, and stop wishing for her talents!

Then I can support her, and pray for her, and honor the Him in her.

(If any of this is also on your heart, I strongly encourage you to read A Beautiful Purpose* by Susie Larson.)

Happy 4th birthday, Hudson!

Filed Under: boy mom, Faith, Hudson

Jun52013

My Dearest Hudson,

At 4:39 a.m. on June 5, 2009, the most wonderful thing in the world happened. You, my precious boy, were born. You came into this world after a 25-hour labor and made your presence known with your loud voice. And then you just looked at me. When I looked at you on that first day of your life, and everyone left the room so I could be alone with you, I looked into your eyes and said to you then, “We’re going to learn so much together. It’s you and me.”

Yesterday morning when you woke up, you ran in to jump in bed with your Daddy and me. While I was snuggling with you, I looked at you and whispered, “You’re not allowed to be 4. You have to stay 3 forever.”

You didn’t really like that idea because you’ve been looking forward to turning 4 since a month after you turned 3. I can remember what it was like to always be wishing to be a little bit older. But my precious, precious boy, I am going to do everything I can for you to help slow that time down.

Every single day with you is the greatest gift. I could write a book about the ways that you have changed my heart and forced me to see every little thing with a little more detail and with more appreciation.

Hudson, you are the sweetest little soul. Your compassion for others always amazes me. You always want to know what’s wrong and how you can help.

You’re also so very observant. If anyone changes their hair or their shirt , you’re the first one to tell them that they look nice or ask why they changed. Your compliments mean the world to me. I love being your mommy! Especially when you tell me first thing in the morning that my bed head looks pretty.

Hudson, you just amaze us. You see things differently than we do. You look at ordinary things and you see shapes. You say, “That roof looks like a trapezoid. That window looks like a square.” You notice words that you can recognize and are often sounding out words and how to spell them. The things you associate together just blow us away. Nothing gets past you, and your Daddy and I know that you are watching every little thing we do.

You love to spell, love to write, and love to learn. You still know all your letters, states, and numbers. And you’ve been learning the Presidents this year. And this isn’t because we’ve forced it on you. You just like it. You love playing new games and you soak everything up like a little sponge. I’m so excited to see how much you blossom in this next year.

You are absolutely hilarious. You make the funniest jokes, and you’re like me in that you love making word and vocabulary jokes. You make up funny songs to be serious and to be funny.

You adore your grandparents and this just thrills us to no end. Your Daddy and I absolutely love to be around RC, PC, KK, and Poppie because it makes us happy, but even more so because it makes you so happy, Hudson. You adore them and they adore you, and we realize what a precious gift that is.

Hayes looks at you with such admiration. He is constantly watching you. For better or for worse, I know he’ll learn so much from you, and I pray that you always look out for him, too. Giving you each other is one of the greatest things your Daddy and I have done, but watching that relationship grow this year has been so much fun.

The two of you love to chase each other, and every once in a while you’ll say, “Hayes! Come get me! You’re my best friend.” And I have to tell you, anytime I hear you say those words, I could cry. Such a happy sound.

You take everything very literally. You’re not the most imaginative player, and things are very black and white to you. You see things exactly for what they are and can figure out a puzzle in twenty seconds. But it’s also so funny when we try to make some kind of joke or use some kind of cliche, and you always take it literally and act so confused. It cracks us up.

Another highlight of this year has been watching your friendships develop. You are always talking about your best friends and get so excited at the possibility of seeing them. You can still be very shy, but you love your friends and you are such a loyal friend. We’ve also seen the effects of too much “togetherness” with your best friends as there is the occasional preschool spat. And that’s okay. I love that even after a little spat, you can pick up where you left off being a good friend.

You get a little more mature every single day. You still have your very strong-willed moments, absolutely. And when those moments get mixed with the preschool-age moments, it’s a recipe for a meltdown. But your meltdowns are rare and are much less frequent as you have gotten closer to 4 years old.

These next couple of years are going to big for you. People are going to expect you to grow up a lot as you prepare to go to school. But, my sweet sweet boy, I’m holding on tight to every single day. Not in a mournful way, but because I know it does get better each day. I love you more each day. And we both learn something new each day.

When I look into your bright, deep brown eyes, I can see my journey through motherhood. And you, my precious Hudson, have been there every step of the way.

I adore you. I pray that God blesses you abundantly this year as you learn more about who He is and the kind of boy He would have you to be. And your Daddy and I pray that we can be that example for you.

I hope you always know that my arms and my heart are always open to you. Whenever you need me, I’ll come running to pick you up.

I love you,

Mommy

because when he's ready, I'm there to listen

Filed Under: boy mom, Faith

May132013

On the way home from church last week, Hudson started talking to us about Sunday school.

Sunday mornings in the car usually involve lots of voices talking over each other. We turn down the music so we can try to pick up on at least one thought from one of the boys. And it’s rare that Hudson just starts telling us a story spontaneously.

I’ve heard from other boy moms that the day will come when my boys will stop talking to me. They won’t open up anymore. The day will likely come when they’ll come back around, but between now and then, there will be a day when they start keeping things to themselves.

We’ve learned with Hudson that it usually will take us doing something with him to get him to talk about his day or to tell us what is bothering him. We’ll work puzzles and he’ll open up. Or we’ll be throwing the ball and he’ll talk about his day. He has used these opportunities to tell us when someone did something funny or when someone hurt his feelings.

On this particular day in the car, Hudson started telling us about his friends in Sunday school. I’d ask him about someone and he’d say, “He’s a nice boy” or “she’s a nice girl.” Very simple.

I asked him about another child in his class that day and he said, “No, she’s not a nice girl.” And I said, “Oh no. Why not?”

And very matter-of-factly, Hudson said, “Because she said I was ugly.”

My heart sank. How could we possibly have a child who is old enough to deal with something like this?

Todd and I locked eyes, and Todd said to Hudson, “Well, what did you say to her?”

Hudson smiled and very innocently said, “I told her that I’m not ugly. I’m a nice boy.”

It was so simple. And in Hudson’s mind, “ugly” means “not nice.” Because that’s how we use the word at home.

I know that I can’t protect him from everything, but when his sweet little voice insisted that he was a nice boy, I started to cry. My heart broke. I was wearing my sunglasses and Hudson couldn’t see my tears, but Todd reached over and grabbed my hand. I’m sure he was wondering what in the world was wrong with me.

I don’t want my boy to have hurt feelings. But I loved his sweet, quiet confidence.

We know that kids say all kinds of things to hurt each other’s feelings, and I know that Hudson will do the same to someone someday, if he hasn’t already.

We’re praying that we will raise brave kids who can face the day and face their peers with confidence.

In that moment, we didn’t get all deep with Hudson. We told him that we were sorry that his feelings had been hurt, but we were proud of him for not fighting with her and for telling her that he was, indeed, a nice boy.

And just as quickly as it started, our conversation ended. Hudson started talking in his funny made-up language that he uses to try to make Hayes laugh, and all the loud noise in the car started up again.

Maybe that day will come when he stops opening up to me. Or maybe it will be just like it was that day, where Hudson runs in to tell me something really important, really quickly, and then he runs out to do more “important” things.

No matter what happens, I’ll always be there to listen.

five.

Filed Under: Marriage

May32013

Five years ago today, we were here. I couldn’t imagine that anything would make me happier.

And then there was this.

And then this.

And my incredible, strong Todd has been by my side the whole way. Leading our family, guiding me, and teaching our boys.

It’s been a big year with lots of changes. And, yet, Todd is my constant comforter and protector. Reminding me to pray and turn it over to God. Reminding me to focus on our blessings. And loving me despite my unlovable ways.

I’m excited about the next five years and can’t wait to see where we are at our 10 year anniversary. How our family grows as we settle into our home. And then at our 50 year anniversary when it’s just back to Todd and me.

Todd is the strong, level-headed one that keeps us all grounded. And I’m so thankful he chose me.

I’m thankful for all the laughs and his quick wit. I’m thankful for his kindness and humility. And I’m thankful for his big heart and the way he loves me and loves our boys.

Happy anniversary, My Todd.

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(*If any of this is also on your heart, I strongly encourage you to read A Beautiful Purpose by Susie Larson.)

(If any of this is also on your heart, I strongly encourage you to read A Beautiful Purpose* by Susie Larson.)