Back when we sold our house and were telling our friends that we were moving in with Nana, I can’t even count how many times we heard people say, “At least you’re not pregnant.”

And we’d just laugh. Because it was true. We were moving our family of four and our two dogs in with Todd’s 90 year old grandmother. Adding another family member to that mix would surely put us in the category of “wearing out our welcome.”

Then just about three weeks ago, I took a pregnancy test, and it was positive.

I was almost two weeks late, and Todd and I had been joking about how we should just wait for me to take a pregnancy test. So we put it off  for as long as we could, but I had this major pull one day when I drove past the CVS. So I ran in, grabbed a test, and brought it home.

I waited for Todd to come home and told him that I’d bought a test.

You see, we had talked about having a third child, but we always said that we’d try when we got ourselves settled into a house. At this point we hadn’t even made the decision to build a house.

So we decided that I’d take the test when the boys went to bed. We held each other and prayed that no matter the result (although we both already knew in our gut) we thanked God for trusting us to take care of the wonderful children we’ve been given and praised Him for the possibility of another. That no matter how scared we might be in that moment, we were just so thankful.

I went to take the test and within about five seconds the two little lines indicating a positive test showed up. I walked out and showed Todd. He laughed and I cried.

We decided that due to our living circumstances, we should keep the pregnancy a secret for as long as possible. I got online and used a due date calculator to determine that I was already nearly seven weeks along.

I called the doctor the next day to schedule an appointment to come in around nine weeks.

And then that night things changed. As quickly as they began. At first I thought it might just be no big deal, but then it was undeniably a very big deal.

I went to the doctor for blood work, because it was still too early to detect a heart beat in an ultrasound. I had to wait two days to come back for more blood work to see if my hormone levels were doubling or going down. And then I had to wait over a long weekend for the results.

After the first appointment, I broke down and called my mom. I had held it together and tried to convince myself that it was nothing and it was no big deal up to that point. But as soon as I heard her voice, I lost it and just sobbed into the phone. And I probably just let myself cry for a good fifteen minutes.

And then the following Monday, it was confirmed that I had a miscarriage. It was early and no procedures were needed.

But it was heart breaking.

The feeling of loss has overwhelmed me. This is my little person and Todd’s little person. This is my boys’ brother or sister. I saw the life and the love and the future, and it was real.

My rowdy boys kept me very busy and kept my mind off of everything that week. It was about as painless as it could be.

So we’ve been drawing nearer and nearer to the Lord. I’m very sad and still very, very busy being a mother and a wife. Todd and I have praised Him in this trial. Because we have to look at everything and every hardship as an advantage to the Kingdom. We have to consider it joy, though I still cry when I think of it. I’m considering it joy.

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Thank you for letting me share this piece of our story with you.

When Hayes was born, Hudson was completely oblivious to his presence. He would kind of look at him, but he never doted on him or fussed over him.

As time went on, he was mostly sweet to Hayes, but I was still just holding my breath, waiting for the day to come when they’d start to act like brothers.

Over the past few months, we’ve heard lots more screaming and more territorial behavior. If Hayes entered the room where Hudson was playing, Hudson would immediately shriek and demand that Hayes leave him and his toys alone.

Of course we encourage him to share, but we can’t force a relationship to happen.

I don’t know about you, but as a mom, I’ve learned that as long as you can hear your kids, you know they’re okay. It’s when it gets quiet that you should start worrying.

But the other day, I went to check on my boys because it was way too quiet. Why wasn’t someone screaming? If they were in the same room together, there had to be screaming.

And when I entered the room, I found them playing together. Silently. I’d occasionally hear a giggle out of someone, but they were playing with the same toys. At the same time. Together.

We’ve reached that point. The screaming and fighting and wrestling will likely never end. In fact, I expect it to get worse.

But in the mornings, the first thing Hudson says when he wakes up is, “Let’s go check on Hayes!” He can’t wait for his brother to get up.

When we go to the playground, Hudson always seems to have one eye on Hayes and then the other eye on what he’s trying to do. But as soon as Hudson can’t see Hayes anymore, he stops what he’s doing to go make sure his brother is okay.

If Hayes is corrected for misbehaving, Hudson immediately comes to his defense.

That’s the brotherhood I’ve prayed for, that I knew would come someday. So I know in my heart that they have each other’s backs. It’s Hudson and Hayes and they’re thick as thieves.

The proof is in the silence.

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So I took that whole “no goals. just grace” thing pretty seriously, right? I gave myself a good old 14 days of grace and chose not to blog.

At first it was just because I didn’t really want to, and then after a few days, I just fell out of the habit and actually enjoyed not blogging. I didn’t read any blogs and didn’t have that nagging feeling in my gut that I just had to get to my computer and write something. And if I had allowed myself, I could have ignored it again today.

The truth? I have no idea how often I want to keep this up right now. But I appreciate all of you who read this blog so very much and I have loved having this blog as an outlet for so long that something keeps pulling me back.

Things with our family are going well. Todd and I are doing great and the boys are doing great. We’re playing a lot, reading a lot, cooking a lot and seeing a lot of movies. I watched all of Parenthood on Netflix and now I’m addicted to The West Wing.

We’re still trying to find our new balance and our new routine. The lack of consistent routine has a lot to do with the lack of blogging. But we’re keeping busy and we’re having a lot of fun. I like to do my writing by myself while my kids nap. But I’m rarely by myself and Hudson has completely dropped his nap. (And that hasn’t been a bad thing at all. He has done great!)

I guess I’m just saying that life is changing, as it should. And, as I was confused a few months ago, I’m confused again about how this little piece of the internet fits into our life.

I have heard a lot about people adopting a word for the year. I thought about mine, and what came to mind when I tried to think of one word.

A few months ago, during The Nester’s 31 Days series, my friend, Ellen, wrote a beautiful series called “Abide: 31 Days to Love Where You Live.” This was in the midst of our home-selling process, and her words really spoke to my heart.

Fast forward to today, and our family is still “displaced.” We are waiting. We are trying to wait patiently. We are praying. We are grumbling, though we try not to.

We have toured home after home after home. And our prayer each time we get ready to make an offer is, “God, if this home is not your will for us, please make it very clear. Please stop this process before we get too far.”

And so far, in the last few months, that has happened five times. Five times!

So we’re listening. And waiting. But each day, I am consumed with this overwhelming feeling of “needing” to get all of this sorted out. For us to find our home. Where we will abide together.

Webster’s Dictionary defines abide this way:

1. to wait for; 2. to endure without yielding, to bear patiently, 3. to remain fixed in a state, 4. to continue in a place, 5. to accept without objection

Seriously?

No objection? But we want a home of our own. We want our kids to have their own space.

To bear patiently? But I’ve been patient. We didn’t start this process yesterday.

But God is protecting us. He’s telling me to be quiet. To wait. To stop grumbling. To enjoy the ride. To endure it and accept it. And realize that His plan is so much greater than ours, if we could just sit tight and wait for it.

And I can do this. I will do this in 2013.

I know that our reward at the end of all of this will be well worth it all.

But I’m also choosing a different form of this word. I’m choosing to abide in the Lord, Jesus Christ this year. I’m choosing to hold and remain in Him and be held secure in that permanent relationship. I’m choosing to learn about him through this process. And thank Him for the blessings and praise Him for his glory.

Thank you for listening to my heart, and hearing me where we are right now. I’m excited about 2013!

On Friday morning, I was sitting in the car at the boys’ preschool waiting a few minutes before it was time to go in to get them.

I heard on the radio that there was a shooting in an elementary school in Newtown, Connecticut. I found the story online and was absolutely horrified and so sad to hear the news.

It’s safe to assume that anyone who is a parent or anyone who has ever loved a child has been deeply saddened by this news. We’re all grieving over the loss of these precious, innocent lives, and mourning the loss of the teachers and adults who were there trying to protect the children.

We’re stunned at what has happened to this world, and wonder how something like this could possibly happen. How could someone do this?

I can’t imagine what these families are going through, but I can pray. I can’t have answers about why this happens, but I can pray.

On the way home from school that day, I turned off the radio because I didn’t want Hudson to hear anything. I wanted some quiet in the car with my boys. So we started singing Christmas carols.

Hudson sings and Hayes mostly listens. But he smiles and watches us. Hudson sang the first verse to Away in a Manger, and when he finished he asked me to sing the other verses that he doesn’t know.

So I did.

And then I got to this verse.

Be near me, Lord Jesus, I ask Thee to stay

Close by me forever and love me, I pray.

Bless all the dear children in Thy tender care,

And fit us for heaven to live with Thee there.

And in that moment, I was completely overwhelmed at the truth of those words. And I began to cry.

The promise that we have is written right there in that Christmas carol. Because of the incredible gift that we’ve been given because Jesus Christ came to this earth to live with us, walk with us, serve us, and then die for us so that we can spend our eternity with Him.

I am so sad that such innocent, hopeful, spirited lives were taken from this world so soon. These families, mothers, fathers, grandparents, friends, sisters, and brothers are in my constant prayers.

And I am praying that we use this time to love each other and serve each other. Reach out to each other and show kindness and love.