this time…

photo (9)

We loaded up in the car to leave the hospital like old pros. It’s our third baby boy. He screamed almost the whole way home as he experienced the car seat for the first time. And while he screamed, I could feel this look of peace cover my face.

All of my babies have screamed the whole way home in the car. And I don’t remember that look of peace on my face. The screaming in the car led me to panic and made me sweat and made my heart race. I wanted to pull over and hold him and try again before. But this time I knew that our baby boy was fine. He’d be home in a few minutes where I could snuggle him and remind him that he’s safe. And just the overwhelming feeling of gratitude for having a baby in our car, coming home with us, was enough to make me feel that peace this time.

This time we know that it’s our last baby. Our third baby boy is our last baby. So this time I’m going to hold him for all of his naps. I’m going to nap when he naps. I’m going to breathe in that smell of baby shampoo and let my senses memorize how that smells and how that feels and what his little grunts sound like.

This time I’m going to smile when I lift him out of his crib in the middle of the night. I’m going to stop watching the clock at 3:00 a.m. and see each moment as time that I can spend with him that I’ll never get back. Not because I’m superhuman or because I don’t love sleep, but because the thought of never feeding a baby in the middle of the night again makes my heart break.

This time I’m not going to force the baby on my big boys. I’m going to wait for them to ask to hold him and love on him. When they rush home from school and want to see their baby brother before they do anything else, I’ll know that taking the pressure off of them was a good thing.

This time I’m going to cry as I watch friend after friend stop by to check on me and meet our newest addition. When I see them hold him and welcome him to the world, I see a future full of friendship and the support we receive from our amazing village. The meals they bring are the icing on the cake, but the kindness and love and grace they extend to our whole family are the real deal.

This time I know what stuff to sweat over and what stuff to just let go. The stress of nursing a big baby was gone because I knew what I was getting into and I could effectively communicate with our doctors and nurses. This time I knew that being a couple of ounces away from his birth weight wasn’t something to panic about. This time I know that holding him all day right now is good for me. This time I know that staying in my pajamas and missing a shower (or two) is okay- even if people are coming over. This time I know that feeling relaxed is the most important thing. Everything else can wait.

This time I know that my soft belly will return to normal again, so I just wait and enjoy the pajamas and yoga pants and extended wear of maternity pants.

This time I sing the same hymns over and over again at bedtime and sometimes find myself unable to choke out the words as I sing to my baby boy about God’s grace. This time I know that there’s no more important thing that I could ever sing about.

This time I’m praying that I don’t rush my big boys into growing up too much because my hands are full with their baby brother. They are all still babies in my eyes and each of their feelings and emotions and life stages are all important.

This time will fly by. He’ll be a month old in just a few days. I’ll wonder where the days went. So this last baby boy of ours is being fussed over and cherished in the best ways we know how to do that. We are so, so grateful for this time.

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Comments

  1. says

    And I’m crying. We’re not on our last baby (God willing, we’d like one more). But we are preparing to welcome our second baby, and I just can’t believe that these sweet moments you speak of are so far gone with my first precious child. It seems like they were just yesterday, and now he’s almost 2! Time flies, and babies truly don’t keep, so I am so happy to hear that you are soaking up every second with your last little one.

  2. says

    I’ve done the exact same thing with my last baby (girl)! She’s almost two and not one person can convince me she’s not a baby! I remember being so quick to push my first on to the next stage…slowed down some with the second…and now I’m just soaking up each stage and loving every moment!!! ENJOY that baby!!!!!!!

  3. says

    Ahh, it isn’t often a blog post literally brings me to tears. As I think about our third baby happening hopefully in 2016, even PLANNING it makes my heart ache because it may (most likely will) be our last. I am already telling myself I’m going to do all of the things you typed out so perfectly. Enjoy each moment, mama!

  4. Lesley Y says

    I love this so. There are so many things daily that I do with Brooks that I never ever would have done w/ Carter. Sometimes I panic about it, but I always try to remember that it will work out in the end. Enjoy that sweet baby.

    ps. I’ve been stalking your blog the last few day reading your Disney posts.We’re planning on taking our boys in January for their birthdays. I might email you sometime soon for the name of your local travel agent if you don’t mind sharing.

  5. says

    A month old?!?! How did that happen? I have two boys as well (3 and 1), and God willing, I would love to have a third some day as well. I did better with my second, but I would strive to be exactly what you are describing right here the third time. It would be the last. So bittersweet!

  6. says

    This post is the sweetest 🙂 I just had my first baby (a boy!) in December and time already seems like it’s flying by. Even though there is a pretty steep learning curve with your first, I’m trying to savor every moment because the time will go faster than I can even imagine. I’ve read and enjoyed your blog for a long time, but now that I’m a fellow boy mom, I find myself even more inspired by your posts. Congrats again on baby boy #3, he is precious 🙂

  7. says

    This is so lovely and so emotional too. I was just saying to my husband tonight (we are going to try for number 3 in the fall)-I bet the third one is a heart breaker, but also absolutely wonderful because you can appreciate every. last. moment. CONGRATS and enjoy that baby boy. Baby boys are the best.

  8. says

    This is so incredibly beautiful. I too enjoyed my 3rd baby SO much more than the others because I felt like I knew what I was doing by that point. She is now 2 and I have no regrets of rocking her to sleep every night or holding her during naps. You have such a beautiful family and are SUCH an inspiration. Love and God Bless!
    -Andrea 😉

  9. says

    Perfectly said! I’m doing my best to hold onto the moments. I’ve watched my nephew and your boys (over the blog) grow so fast the past few years and I’m doing everything I can go not take for granted this tiny little man while I’ve got him:)

  10. Donna Zoltanski says

    You are such a sweet mama! Congratulations to you and your loving family. He is absolutely beautiful – treasure those moments – they are heartwarming…xxoo

  11. says

    This post broke my heart in the best kind of way. Our first is already 3 months somehow and everything that you said is so true. I find myself in tears rocking him and singing to him in his nursery at 3am. So happy for you and your beautiful family. Enjoy that sweet baby!

  12. says

    Love this, Erin! My babies are six and two and there will be no more. I still smell their little heads when I tuck them in at night and breathe in their warm, sticky, sweetness. I just love this. You are where you are supposed to be and you are at peace with it. It is just perfect.

  13. says

    This is such a precious post. It totally took me back to those days with my littles. Enjoy it all because it does pass so quickly, bc now mine are 29, 26, 23 and 19…and if I smell their heads, it’s usually because one of them needs to take a shower! Ha! And their grunts and smells aren’t so cute anymore, because THREE BOYS…but oh, how I loved them at every stage of life. Where did the time go? Congratulations!

  14. Rox says

    This. THIS made me cry. So true.
    We’ve always said “Zero or One” when asked how many children we wanted.
    Well – now we have our one.
    And we’re done.
    We are so exhausted with Conner.
    But what you’re saying applies to us, too. This is our one-and-only, so we need to enjoy every second. Even those 3am feedings and colicky evenings.
    Because there won’t be another.
    Conner is it.
    And even though it’s difficult right now, I know we’ll look back on these days and long for them again.
    So I need to take it all in and enjoy each moment.
    Thanks for this reminder, mama!

  15. Heather says

    I absolutely love this! It’s so beautiful and touching it made me cry. I just gave birth to my 4th baby (and 3rd boy) on April 1st and he will be 1 month on Friday. Time has gone by so fast and knowing this is most likely our last baby is heartbreaking. I’m trying to do everything you wrote about and enjoy every moment! Continue enjoying your precious newborn!

  16. Alyssa says

    I read this as I am holding my 7 weeks old baby boy while he sleeps (hoping I can lay him down and shower!)… This made me cry. So precious and such truth. Thanks for sharing, I stumbled upon this on the perfect day…

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