a sweet rhythm

FamilySession133

I can’t believe that Hayes will be three in a month and Hudson will be five in two months. And that means that it has been three years since I’ve had a baby. Since I’ve carried a baby to term.

And, y’all. Life is in this super sweet spot. I don’t have tons of stories of meltdowns and tantrums. They cry and there are behavior issues, but the weary mom days are a thing of the past. (I’m almost laughing at myself for writing that. I’m absolutely going to regret writing that.)

They talk their heads off at the grocery store and I think people can hear Hayes from the other side of the store. They love to chase each other and push each other down. Hudson is in a phase where he doesn’t really ask for things, he just immediately jumps to whining and demanding things. But I feel like we’ve got a handle on this. I know that the seasons are fleeting.

Each season, I remind myself that I can fight a bear for a little while. So that bear may be the phase of grocery store parking lot meltdowns over fruit snacks. I’m fighting that bear. And I’m going to win. And I know that the end is near.

But right now, in this sweet spot, I’m loving all of our new freedoms.

We can travel as a family! We’ve always wanted to travel as a family.

We can go to the park on a moment’s notice without disrupting the schedule or sending someone into distress.

We can say “yes” to random requests like donuts for lunch or carriage rides in Charleston because the boys are old enough to handle change in routine.

We can go out to eat after church! I repeat… WE CAN GO OUT TO EAT AFTER CHURCH!

Hudson and Hayes will sit and entertain each other, and laugh and play while I cook dinner. I  can cook dinner and stay relatively stress-free!

I should know better than to write something like this because Hayes is about to enter the “terrible threes” and we’ll potty train him in the next few weeks and move him to a big boy bed. The boat is going to be rocked and I’ll be kicking myself for ever admitting that things had actually gotten easy!

Hudson is about to start kindergarten and we’ll have a whole new adventure and set of issues that come from school work and routine and structure.

But here’s the truth. I want another baby. I want that boat to be rocked with sleepless nights and bottles and baby gear explosion. After last year’s miscarriage, though, I’ve been so afraid to try out of fear of rocking the boat.  I want to rock it and I’m afraid to rock it. I’m afraid of disrupting the sweet spot and the tidy little rhythm we’ve established. And, of course, the fear of losing another baby is the most terrifying thing of all.

I know that as soon as I admit that it’s gotten easy and I’ve got this under control, I’ll quickly remember that I was never actually in control.

Motherhood is constantly changing and I’m just thankful that I can change and adapt with it, and enjoy the adventures in each new season. And every day I’m asking God for clear direction.

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Comments

  1. says

    Erin,
    The truth is that we adapt. As moms, we find the beauty in where we are (sometimes easier than other times). Every stage is better than the stage before because that’s the stage wer’ee living and enjoying. The days go by so quickly, each one is such a gift whether it’s a tantrum day (goodness I have a sassy pre teen girl and a temperamental teenage son as two of my three right now) or an easy day (yesterday was one).
    You’ll find balance and beauty when you add that new baby. The new stages, the new milestones…they’ll all be just an exciting or more than with the first. With a third, you’ll feel more relaxed and just be able to enjoy the moment. At least I did.
    As for the worry of loss again, I’m just going to give you hugs. It’s not an easy place to be. I could quote the statistics my dr gave me after my first loss on how unlikely another loss is unlikely…however statistics does heal the emotions. But when you’re ready, take the plunge and rely on faith to carry you. He is always with your swell as leaning on close friends and family. I am truly sorry for your loss.

  2. says

    So so many hugs. Infertility and miscarriage can really rock you to your core. All of the what ifs, whys, and fears are so very hard to deal with. Give H+H an extra hug and know you are doing an awesome job in this season of enjoying your time with them and celebrating even the small moments. Lots of prayers for joy in the next seasons as well.

  3. says

    I’ve been thinking of you and a potential baby #3 lately! I totally understand the ‘feeling comfortable in this phase’ and being afraid to rock the boat. That was a big mental hurdle for me, too, before this baby came to be. But of course, if it’s meant to be then you will get through whatever lies ahead. I LOVE those ‘settled’ moments we have as a family when things just seem easier. It never lasts, of course, but they are great when they happen!

  4. Scarlett says

    I had a miscarriage in February 2013. I just had my second little boy February 22. What a difference a year makes! We were scared. I prayed (begged) for this baby. We were sitting in church one day very early on, and I just knew everything was going to be alright. There was a calm that just washed over me. So, when y’all do try for another baby, I will pray for you and a healthy pregnancy.

  5. Hannah says

    My boys are 1.5 and 3, and we also have been enjoying the relative ease. . .everyone is in a big boy bed! No pack-n-plays when we travel, only one nap a day (and if we skip it, we all survive and bedtime is all the easier), everyone can walk by themselves . . . but we had a miscarriage last October and feel the exact same way as you. We love the stage we’re in, but so badly miss having a baby. I took a positive pregnancy test last week and go in today to see if my HCG levels have been raising appropriately. Based on the info at the doctor last week, it’s either much earlier than I thought or I am miscarrying again. It is so scary and stressful, but I’ll tell you this about trying again and even the threat of miscarriage after loss: even with the increased fear, there is increased peace. God has walked us through the immense pain and confusion once before, and if we lose this baby too, he will do it again. I find it much easier to surrender to him, knowing (even when it scares the you-know-what out of me) that he has a plan, and it is GOOD.

  6. Diana m. says

    Erin- I could have written this exact post. My sweet daughter turns two today and my son turned 5 in feb. we have new schedules, behaviors and a brother sister relationship I love to watch grow each day. We talk about trying for a third. I don’t want this age/stage to end. But life (for the most part) is in a great place right now. We are almost! Out! Of! Diapers!, paying for two tuitions at daycare/pre school, carrying a diaper bag! I too, had a miscarriage inbetween my two kids. We were devastated. I will be 37 in September and that makes me nervous. Right now, I want to enjoy these two and our summer and getting my son off to kindergarten in sept. we may change our minds and try again, but I’m not so sure right now. That makes me sad, but I also couldn’t be happier right now. This is the tug a war in my head and heart right now.

  7. Linda Rocco says

    Good morning…I know exactly what you r saying.My first born was born too early 27 weeks to the day.But in Gods eyes he was right on time.4 months in the nicu long story short I was terrified to have another baby and experience another preemie all over again.

    We finally started to try 3 yes after, and had 2 miscarriages. At this point we were talking about adoption and we got pregnant ( full term)

    We have 2 children and we are complete. I miss having a baby but I feel good about our decision .my hubby always says you want more? I will give you as many as you want but 2 is perfect for me well balanced.

    It is scary no matte what. Good luck in your decision.

  8. Keisha Dawson says

    I love seeing your precious little life with two sweet boys. My boys are 7 and 9 now, and I’m loving this stage even more than the last. I wasn’t sure that was possible! They’re growing and learning each and every day. We get to have somewhat grown up conversations now, and I love that special time with my boys. I love seeing them grow in their faith and using the gifts that God has given them.

    Praying that God gives you sweet peace about another baby. It is so scary after you’ve lost one, but so awesome when you do get pregnant again with a healthy baby.

  9. says

    I understand what you mean by sweet spot. My son is six. Six is a great age. Behavior is mostly good. He dresses himself. Eats like a person. Adapts well. We’re three years into an international adoption from Bulgaria and hoping that we get a referral this year sometime. And it both excites and terrifies me. I want my little girl home. But boy do I know that we’re going to rock this boat in a big way. Sometimes I wonder if we’re crazy, but I know we’re not. I know that God gave us this desire for a reason.

    I don’t have any great advice or answers. I just want you to know that I appreciate your vulnerability. I appreciate that your willing to share your fears. And I’ll pray for God’s guidance and peace for you.

  10. April says

    Erin, you have so eloquently put into words things I have felt and what I am hoping my future looks like (for a time at least). Right now I have an almost 4 year old and an 8 month old. We were in a sweet spot with our son right before my daughter was born. Of course now we are in the season of life like you talked about where you can’t go out to eat much and can’t do tings on a whim because of the baby schedule, etc. I find solace in knowing that one day we will get back there and then of course there are always things that throw it off some too. But some days I long for those old sweet spot days! This week especially, I think. I applaud you for being so transparent with us and I so hope and pray you can have another baby if it’s your heart’s desire and what is right for your family. Blessings to you!

  11. sara says

    I have a 5 year old boy and a boy who will turn 3 on April 25th..I am currently pregnant with my 3rd, a little girl..I’m beyond excited but I too am nervous, because I work full time, and we have finally adapted to doing things without flipping out…not having to carry bottles, not having to have a diaper bag, no more diapers at all, both boys sleep in bunkbeds together, etc..while I love love love having babies I’m getting to the point where I am feeling like I will be overwhelmed….I had 2 miscarriages in between babies and I hated worrying when I actually had a full term pregnancy..I felt like I couldn’t truly enjoy the pregnancy…but I promise the feeling does go away…..I will be praying for you and your family…

  12. Lauren says

    Your honesty is comforting as we now have two (3 and 9 mo., a boy and a girl) and everyone keeps asking if we are done, or when we are going to have another, and we honestly don’t know. Sometimes, though, you just have to put your trust in God. Proverbs 3:5-6. 2 years ago this month we left our comfortable life in Texas to move closer to my family in Ohio. It was one of the hardest trials we have gone through as a family, and we are still figuring it out, but we are making our life one day at a time. You are/can/will too.

  13. says

    As a mom to a 3 year old, 1 year old, and 11 week old, I’m looking forward to being where you are! I’m so thankful though for my 3 babies. It gives me hope on the hard days that easier ones are ahead

  14. says

    We are in the same sweet spot and I’m loving it. Going to eat after church is maybe my favorite thing that has finally happened. I waited almost 5 years for us to be able to eat out for lunch after church!! 🙂 It’s the small things.

    I hope you have another baby! You can do it and you will love it!

  15. says

    So thankful for the season of peace and joy the Lord has you in right now and praying for you and your family and the future that He has in store!!

  16. Katie says

    Hi Erin! I’m katielc83 on Instagram…who painted the bathroom sea salt yesterday/today! Thank you for being so real and relatable! I too have an almost five year old (April 9) Avery…and she will go to kinder this fall. I taught kindergarten before I had her and it is so strange to be the mom of the kindergartener and not the teacher! Lol! She is ready. I’m getting there. Our lazy, slow mornings will be winding down. But, I’m ready to see where God leads her and how He has prepared her (and us) for this new chapter. I also have a three year old daughter Sadie. I cannot believe I am out of the baby stages, Potty training, and the take everything and the kitchen sink with me stage! Where does the time go?! We head out to disney in less than one month for the first time, and I am so excited! Like you said we can GO TO DINNER AFTER CHURCH and actually eat not scarf our food down and now we are taking an amazing family vacation. I’m sure our lives hold meltdowns and drama the rest of the way but I’ll take it! Thankful thus far and grateful for for each day ahead! After all God doesn’t want perfect moms just passionate ones who will raise His children to love others and serve others, love Him and serve Him. And For that I’m thankful too! (Bc I’m so not perfect. Just human. Just me)
    Happy to be in the boat with you Erin! Cheers to the next chapter- school.

  17. Summer Deepe says

    Wow, I could have written this exact post! My first born son will turn 5 in June and my second little boy turns 3 in June. I had a miscarriage in January and we were devastated. We know God will bless us with another baby but it’s hard waiting and the fear of another miscarriage can be debilitating. I know exactly what you mean about being in such a good rhythm. I was just telling my husband almost your exact words just the other night. We love this stage our boys are at right now but we pray God will bless our family with another sweet baby soon.
    Erin, I know you will trust in the Lord and follow His guidance. God has an amazing plan for your life. He will prepare you and bring that sweet baby into your life at the right time.

  18. says

    *hugs* Prayers for you and your awesome season, as well as your fears and desires surrounding wanting to grow your family even more. Hoping you can find the peace needed in either depiction you make. Much love!

  19. says

    Even with a newly 2 yo, we are basically in that same “easy” time, as evidenced by our Disney trip right before you. I really thought I wanted 3 until we had two! I am not one that handles the unpredictableness of a new baby very well, and I also had bp issues last time resulting in 8 weeks of bed rest. I’m fairly sure we’re done and feel at peace with that. But I can’t seem to get over the fact that everyone seems to have three kids these days. So silly I know!

  20. says

    You made me jealous and thankful at the same time! With a two-year-old and another one on the way things can get tricky. My little guy just started in a big-boy-bed and I’m really pushing to potty-train him before #2 comes along in September. Some days can be rough, but you also made me feel really grateful for where I am at this time in my life, too.

  21. Katie says

    This is a sweet post, Erin! I can’t believe that Hayes will be 3 in just a few weeks & Hudson a Kindergardener this fall?! I find myself constantly looking forward to the next milestone, but at the same time looking behind me longing for the phase we just went through. I guess that’s the way life goes these days. Sending you hugs from Charlotte. It’s been too long! xo

  22. says

    I think the decision about that third child is so hard! We’re in a spot where we’re trying to decide if I can physically handle another C section and carrying a tiny person around all the time. But I do think three sounds like a really nice number 🙂 I’m glad you’re enjoying your time so much right now! I feel like I’m hitting a sweet spot with my oldest at 2 1/4. Even though the tantrums are huge, the sleeping and eating are flexible and she’s really easy to take places!

  23. says

    Beautiful post my friend. Sending prayers to you for wisdom and guidance as you walk through this life and your boys grow older! I miss you!!

  24. says

    The truth is that you have to find the joy on your everyday treasures. You have so many, your husband and children are part of them.
    If Gof wants you to have another baby you will have. He is savior and he knows the best for us.

  25. lauren says

    I just love your heart Erin. You are so honest and so ‘real’. I will be praying for you! God will help you along with anything that comes your way!

  26. JAMES LYNAM says

    I am a one color individual who uses “RED” every place I can, for table clothes, napkins, glassware
    and every thing looks coordinated right away.

  27. JAMES LYNAM says

    I am a one color individual who uses “RED” every place I can, for table clothes, napkins, glassware
    and every thing looks coordinated right away.

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