Oh y’all.
I’m not really sure how to write about all of this, so I’m just going to let my fingers fly and see what happens.
I was talking to Todd last night about peace and fear and worry, and doing a little bit of soul-searching. I’m an over-thinker and an over-sharer. I look for meaning in things and try to pick things apart so that I can understand them.
The unknown is really tough for me, and all of the unknowns of the last year sent me into this funk of anxiety and worry. I still struggle with the decision of whether or not we want to try for another baby and when we should do that. Because that loss just knocked me off my feet and left me stunned.
And despite all of the beautiful, God-given blessings around me, I was so stifled last year because I wanted our own space.
The fear of my mom’s cancer and what news each day will bring suffocates me at times, though she is at complete peace with her diagnosis.
The constant need to please others and say yes was overtaking my life.
I couldn’t focus on the blessings I had because I had filled every spare thought in my mind and space in my heart with doing things that just weren’t important to me.
I’ve worked through all of that, mostly. Why I was filling those fears with distractions. I still have those fears, but now they’re just exposed. I can see them and focus on them and deal with them.
And now we’ve returned to our own space. While I was lying on the couch last night in a place between sleep and awake, I told Todd that I was just really comfortable. And I felt so safe. I sleep better at night.
Not because of the new house. It didn’t “solve our problems.” But because of His faithfulness. There’s still pain and there’s still fear, but He hasn’t failed us. And by uncovering the fear and the pain, and allowing myself to cry and face it, I can see His goodness.
I’ve become a bit of a quitter in 2014, and that’s okay for right now. It completely goes against my personality to quit anything. But the space to seek Him first and thank Him for the blessings, and ask Him to calm my fearful heart is what I need most.
Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come,
Why should my heart be lonely, and long for heaven and home,
When Jesus is my portion? My constant friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.
I sing because Iām happy,
I sing because Iām free,
For His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.
I needed this today! rounding out a terrible week after finding out our furbaby has cancer on Tuesday I have been so concerned about when it is going to be time to make that decision because he is still doing okay. It has been so hard. I just keep praying that God will send us a sign when we know it is time to make that decision.
I’m so sorry to hear that, Brittany. I know it’s heartbreaking. Praying for you!
thank you so much!!!
{She} will have no fear of bad news; {her} heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord” Psalm 112:7
I used to fear my phone ringing with bad news. And I’m one that tends to lean towards fear in anything I can’t control, which is really everything, right? š Anyway, this verse is gold to me. Yes, God is Faithful and True!
I am the same way with my phone! Especially anytime between 11pm and 8am…because it’s not a “normal” time and that means something is wrong. I always get a nervous feeling when I see one of my parents calling or sometimes even my phone vibrating will scare me. I hate that feeling.
Yes! He is faithful and true!
Erin, I can literally feel your joy in this post and I am so, so happy for you! Thank you for reminding me that, no matter what life throws our way, as Christians, we should have joy and peace in the Lord!:) That’s a wonderful feeling no matter what tribulations and trials we may face.
I’m so glad you are enjoying the “safety” in your new home. You’ve had quite a year, so I’m glad that you are able to enjoy that couch and reflect on what God has taught you and is still teaching you. It might take you a while to really digest everything and that’s okay. š
Erin, thank you for being open and honest! It’s comforting to know that others struggle with some of the same things. When you first wrote about your miscarriage I was sad for you but I couldn’t fully understand. And then we experienced 2 miscarriages last fall with no rhyme or reason. We’ve had 2 healthy little girls (same ages as your boys) and it did something to me. I also struggle with the decision of trying for another baby. And I can’t tell my husband goodbye every morning without thinking he might not come home. It makes it hard to simply relax and just enjoy life! I’m constantly reminding myself that God specifically says not to worry! I’m so glad to read that you’ve worked through it. Your life (and new home:) is beautiful and I appreciate that you use your blog to be real and to share Christ!
Erin,
You are not a quitter! You are a go getter. Taking a break from the hustle and bustle is just smart. Deep breaths and lots of prayers. God will answer all your questions ( baby included) if you just quiet your surrounding ps to hear Him. Xo
Erin I am so grateful for your openness! Due to some complications months after having Jaxon I had to have a hysterectomy. It’s something I haven’t shared with many people. A year later I still question that decision. I always thought I would have this big family, but God has another plan for my life. And I too struggle with worry and anxiety more than I have in the past. My boys are growing up too quickly and I would give anything to freeze time or keep us in a little bubble š
Please know I’m praying for you and know you are not alone!!!
What a great post! I always love your honest posts–and you are always so heartfelt. Good luck and hope your dreams come true this year!
Erin thank you so much for this post. I need some encouraging words right now and lots of prayers. I just found out my husband may lose his job at the end of this month and my daughters concussion seems tobe getting worse. I just have to trust Him to see us through all of this.
This sounds so familiar. During my first pregnancy, I was pregnant with twin boys. Halfway through my pregnancy, I lost one of the babies. We named him Declan. I spent the rest of my pregnancy in complete fear. I think of Declan every day. Most people don’t mention it, in a way pretending that it never happened, and I can understand why. I mean, what do you say. But the fact is, it happened. And I can’t forget. I hope you find peace and comfort this year. And give your body and heart time to heal.
K, sorry to hear about your loss. I can’t imagine the pain you felt and still feel. I’ll say a prayer for you!
Prayers for your Mother! I feel the same way about my daddy with stage 4 colon cancer. My daddy is at peace and I get so overwhelmed with worry… I pray everyday for it to leAve his body , but instead he has brought us peace . I wish the same for you.
Cathy, I worry about my dad, too! He has COPD and could have an episode at any time….and it worries me all the time! I’ll pray for your dad now. š
Looking forward to reading through more. Great article post.Really thank you! Much obliged.
I love reading these posts of yours.
I struggle with worry and anxiety every single day. Sometimes, it affects me falling asleep, it shows up in the middle of the night when I wake up to go to the bathroom and my mind thinks about certain things, it fills me with nervousness and stress throughout the day, at random moments.
Things I worry about include my dad’s health (he has COPD and still smokes), my mom’s health, their safety (I guess we all worry about our parents…), our safety (the holiday burglaries don’t help), all these little things that I shouldn’t worry about!!
I’m usually very relieved to hear when other people go through the same things…it makes me feel normal. And, I don’t think I’m at the point where it affects my daily life, but it is something that I pray daily about. I pray HARD when these times arise and I immediately feel comfort. I can’t control if bad things happen. I just have to keep telling myself that. I don’t know what my point is….I guess just to vent. But again, I enjoy these posts. They give me hope and inspiration! Thank you!
Listen. The worries, the what-ifs, the fear…it can be DEBILITATING.
We had a deployment in 2008 that was the scariest year of my life. I lost 25 pounds and became certain that Jimmy was NOT going to come home. I kept the blinds open every day because I didn’t want to be surprised when the car pulled up to tell me the news.
You have to let it go. I lost that year of my life. I lost sight of my faith. It changed who I was and who I am. I had to let it go and hand it over.
I had to place all my anxiety on Him.
Five deployments later…I let it go. And I am a better mommy and woman for not constantly worrying. I have eight little eyes that watch me and learn from me.
So I smile, pray, and hold my head high. We cannot shape the future. We just have to handle it with grace
Wishing you all the best in 2014.
I can’t tell how much this post spoke to me. I am very thankful for writers like you that can express what I am feeling inside of me WAY better than I ever could. It is nice to know that I am not alone in my struggles. All of your posts on white space have me thinking too. As my husband told me – it is okay to back out of doing so many “things” and by doing so you are leaving yourself room for the spontaneous stuff that comes your way every day. It’s that spontaneous stuff that stresses me out when I’ve overbooked myself! Anyway, thank you for sharing your heart and providing some encouragement to me!
Read this quote today in my Real SImple mag and thought it might encourage you since it speaks to what you said about quitting in 2014
“Making a decision to live congruently with your values in not quitting, nor is foolish consistency a virtue”
I struggle with fear on a huge level…and making decisions out of fear, instead of out of love. I want to make decisions about growing my family out of love and not out of fear. I want to make decisions about following God’s will and ministry and community out of love and not out of fear. I want to make decisions to live radically, to serve, to put family first out of love and out of fear. It is hard, but God will give the grace
Such a beautiful post – so honest. Thanks for sharing, I’m an over-worrier and internalizer myself – you can make yourself sick of what “could” be not what actually is. Best to you!
Beautiful words! Thanks for sharing. I will say a prayer for your mom, and I hope you have a fantastic week!
THANK YOU! Thank you for putting your self out there and letting others see you for who you are. I am really struggling with sharing my feelings and emotions about trying to get pregnant. Its hard to talk about as a very emotional person. It is just nice to know that we all struggle and have our own insecurities in life.