I have one boy who craves respect.
And we’ve been on a collision course lately. Probably because I also crave respect. It’s what makes me feel heard and valued and loved.
My four-year-old has a smart little mouth. As in lots of back talk. And he is also actually very smart. He hears things. He repeats things. He understands things, and what he doesn’t understand, he tries to understand. He figures it out. He loves information.
One day last week he had been going and talking back and just pushing me. And it ended in me blowing up, and his consequence was going to bed without a bedtime book.
In some of our conversations, I was telling him what he had done wrong and why he was being punished, and he was crying and talking over me and I heard him say, “Just let me talk!”
That night after we put him to bed, I went to my room, and collapsed on the floor with my head on the bed and begged the Lord for forgiveness for yelling at Hudson. I cried and I begged God to guide me as I raise one of His children. I begged for patience and for it to be clear how I should teach and guide him. How can I effectively pour into him and mold him? We’re so much alike and we butt heads so often.
And I very clearly heard him tell me that Hudson just needs respect. I heard Hudson’s little voice saying, “Just let me talk!” Hear me, Mom. You can understand me if you’ll just listen. He wants validation. (I wonder where he gets that.)
Letting him cry. Letting him vent. Letting him tell me what hurt his feelings and what disappointed him. Why he’s upset to be leaving the party or leaving the zoo. What he loved about it. And validating those feelings and helping him cope.
(It’s true that he has to earn respect, but he responds well when he is respected and validated.)
Then I have Hayes, who is a social butterfly. Hayes wants interaction and wants to spend quality time with us. He wants to play, wants to burn his energy. He wants the warm fuzzies and the sweet moments. If we’ve learned anything through all of his speech therapy and occupational therapy sessions, it’s that he craves social interaction.
If you ask Hayes for a hug, he’ll drop what he’s doing to give you a huge hug and rest all of his weight on you. He loves feeling loved and wants to make others feel loved. And his behavior reflects whether or not he’s feeling that connection.
It seems that every year or so I have to go through a parenting reevaluation where I am forced to take a long hard look in the mirror and a long hard look at who my kids are becoming. Who are they and what do they individually need from me?
Anyone else experiencing anything similar?
Such a great post! I don’t have kids {yet!} but I love reading your triumphs and struggles as a mom. You’re so right about respecting your kids. What a difficult task when they’re still babies! But keep up the good work and humbling yourself before God! What a great mom they’ve got!
YES! My two boys are the SAME. My 4 year old is a thinker with a smart mouth (not in a good way). It has been worse over the past month. I can hear myself lecturing him and I know it doesn’t feel right. I pray for anwsers and how to parent this complicated child. My 3 year old is so easy, so loving and craves social interaction. They are so different! I have really been worried about this and it’s nice to know I’m am not alone!
Totally going through this with my 3 year old right now. I have begged and prayed for forgiveness from God for coming unglued so many times with my son lately. He is very independent and lacks patience. He gets both of those lovely traits from me 😉 I was given this book by my husbands Pastor and good friend a few weekends ago when we were visiting them in Greenville. Its an older book but is so insightful into disciplining children. It’s called “Child Training Tips – What I wish I knew when my children were young” by Reb Bradley. Motherhood is not pretty all the time and it’s hard to share these moments with friends (let alone the world) so thank you for making us mothers feel normal 🙂
Thank you for being so honest about parenting!!! I have 2 little girls almost exactly the same ages and birthdays as your boys so I can relate to some of your daily struggles. I hate how easily I get frustrated and lose control of my emotions with my kids. It makes me feel terrible. I just recently started a book through a women’s Bible study called “The Christian Parenting Handbook” and I am loving it! It may be something you’d like too:) It talks a lot about looking deeper than the child’s behavior and seeing what’s in their heart so that you aren’t just making a quick fix with behavior, but also working to develop character qualities in them. Thanks again for being transparent!
Well said! I was just discussing with a friend about raising my 3 year old son because his personality is SO different than mine!! It really makes you seek The Lord and grow as a parent. Luckily we can recognize needing help!
I have a 3 year old boy who craves information as you said Hudson does. He likes to talk and talk and talk some more. Sometimes we have to get on to him or tell him to just be quiet. I hate to do that but he has to learn that just talking and making noise for no reason is not always ok. It’s hard to teach him that and show him respect at the same time, sometimes. The other day I asked him to help me find the burp cloth I was using to feed his little sister. He immediately started looking for it and me too. I found it before him and he was so upset because he didn’t get to find it. At the time I thanked him for helping me look but I needed to use it and maybe he could find it next time. Well that sent him into a fit and tears and I am sorry to say I yelled at him that it was silly for me to put the item back in hiding just so he could find it. But as I look back on that moment, it really wasn’t a big deal and I easily could have let him be the one to find it but at the time I did not feel see it from his perspective. He just wanted to help his Mama and be the hero. I should have let him. I apologized to him and we moved on but I took the lesson with me.
Our son is still pretty little, but we still have to reprimand him for poor behavior every once in a while (running into the street outside our house after warnings, hitting, etc), and I pray that I’m doing it “correctly” for this sweet, impressionable little sponge I’m raising. Hudson and Hayes are so blessed to have a momma that cares about and prays for their feelings + well being so very much.
What a beautiful post – your children sound so lovely and any Mother is bound to have hiccups. xxxxx
Oh Erin, this really hit home for me today, I am glad I am not alone. I feel so fragile and humbled when it comes to parenting my girls. My oldest is a lot like Hudson, my youngest like Hayes. It goes back and forth every day on which one makes me more anxious–my older one acting up to get my attention, or my younger one crying because I can’t give her my full attention when I need to do things like fix dinner. Parenting is certainly an exercise in grace and patience.
my 4.5 year old is very similar. to me, is very “old” for his age. he was verbal at a very young age and has always loved learning; gathering new information, testing new skills, etc. he understands a lot of concepts that others his age do not grasp. we usually can have great conversations and he picks up and can follow a lot more than he should. my husband and i in turn, parent on a double-edge sword most of the time. i expect a lot from him and sometimes its too much, but i know he “gets it” more than he probably should. i know i am sometimes too hard on him. on the other hand, when he is having a 4 year old melt down after a long day at school (9-5:30) and then changing in the car to go to soccer practice for 6-7:00pm, i sometimes forget he is only 4! i know i blow up when i probably shouldn’t. there have been a few times where its been warranted, but its hard. i feel like i live with a 7 year old and he is only 4. makes our days interesting to say the least. my 17 month old daughter on the other hand is a whole ‘nother ball of wax 🙂