My Instagram feed has been full of back to school pictures lately. It seems like all the kids are heading back to school, and with each little “first day of kindergarten” chalkboard printable I see on Instagram next to an excited/nervous/carefree child, I find myself getting choked up.
And then I think about my own boys. Hudson is starting 4K this year. It’s just until noon. It’s still at his same preschool. He’s incredibly excited.
But all I can think about is that my boy is four and next year he will go to kindergarten.
And, y’all. After that I am can physically feel my heart speed up. And I feel like I’m losing oxygen. I am overcome with fear.
I’m not scared of my child actually being in school. He’ll do great! And I’m not scared of something bad happening. Those things don’t scare me.
My fear is all about the passing of time. It’s like there’s this imaginary calendar that shows how many years of school we have, and once kindergarten begins, days start getting marked off one by one.
It’s the knowledge that my parents are getting older. Those thoughts leave me gasping for air and feeling like I’m suffocating.
Why do we spend our whole lives praying we meet “the one,” rushing to get engaged, rushing to get married, and rushing to start a family? And then when we have that family, we dread bed time because we know our babies will wake up a day older. (Okay, so maybe there are a lot of days when we actually look forward to bedtime.)
But my God doesn’t want this for me. He wants the exact opposite. He wants me to enjoy each day, and not spend them being scared or sad because a day is gone.
He wants me to live in the moment with my kids.
It’s impossible to seize every single moment. I have enough grace for myself to recognize that I cannot possibly make the most of every single moment and be intentional with every single second. It’s just not something that any mother can be expected to do.
But enjoying them and loving on them for who they are. On this day. That is something I can do.
And while four years old sounds so old to me right now, I know that when he is eight years old, I will look back at four and think of how small Hudson was.
I can barely remember to take pictures of them in the big moments these days. I probably will even forget to take a first day of school photo.
I won’t get it all right. They’re going to keep growing up. And I’m going to love them more and more every single day. Our conversations will become more interesting. They’ll lose teeth and look a little more awkward. We’ll all get our feelings hurt. And we’ll all laugh and travel and sit around together as a family.
We’ll make mistakes and we’ll pray and we’ll sit up all night trying not to worry about them.
But that paralyzing fear that causes me to lose my breath? That stuff has to go.
Because I’m rejoicing in my growing boys and thanking my heavenly Father for the gift of being their mother. We’re welcoming pre-K with open arms and preparing his little self for kindergarten next year.
And, in this case, I’m not looking at the big picture. I’m enjoying Hudson and Hayes for who they are today, and thanking God for every tomorrow.
I have the exact same feelings right now! I want to scream and freeze time. I keep trying to soak up as much of this toddler stuff as I can because it is going by just too fast. I love this post friend.
So glad to know you feel the same. It makes me ache if I stop and think about it!
So so true! It’s so easy to let fears occupy our thoughts, but it steals the joy of the moment! I’m with you on this completely. And I’m getting a little choked up just thinking about my 2.5 year old starting preschool in September!
I want to be aware of soaking up the moments, but I don’t want to spend too much time mourning and dwelling. Motherhood is such a passionate journey.
My son is starting kindergarten in a week and a half. In October he’ll be six. I oscillate between fear and sadness. Where did my baby go? But I know God is good, and I don’t want to waste today mourning the loss of yesterday. I just wish someone would’ve told my younger self to slow down and “smell the roses” a bit more. I probably wouldn’t have listened. I probably didn’t listen. I’m learning to cherish each moment.
Love this! Thank you, friend!
I turned 30 last week and after dinner and swimming at my parent’s house with the family, my mother was in tears because her “baby was all grown up.” So…I don’t think this feeling really ever goes away. 😉
Your sweet mom! I know it doesn’t go away. My love for them will always consume me.
Oh how I feel your pain! I have to say those feelings don’t stop with Kindergarten. My children are 10 and 12 and I literally cry when school starts every year! Not only because I won’t get to have them with me all day like I do during the summer, but because it means they are getting older.
After driving 2 minivans in11 years, i just got a new car a few days ago…..an SUV. I actually was so sad to let go of my van! How crazy is that?! But I think I was sad because it represented the fact that my kids are older and we don’t need that kind of car anymore. I guess the van held so many memories with car seats and road trips and them watching movies in the back.
Enjoy these memories you are making with your children. When your children are 10 and 12….you will fondly look back on these days and memories when they were little, and smile….( and maybe cry a little too like I do)….but you will smile!
One thing that helped me when my oldest started Kindergarten was that I could tell that he was so ready to move up into Kindergarten. He was ready for something more. I had the same feelings when he started Middle School last year, but I could tell he was so ready for something more. He was wanting and ready for the extra freedom that comes with Middle School. I enjoy your blog so much! Thank you for sharing!
Oh, Erin, how do you do it? Every post you write seems like it was written expressly for me. Lately, I have just been rushing, rushing, rushing through my days. Hurry here, hurry there…hurry everywhere. The time just seems to fly by; it’s been scaring me lately with how fast it’s going. My little man turns 3 months old on Friday, and I just don’t know how that happened. Where did those three months go? It makes me want to weep, as just yesterday, it seemed like he was just a tiny, smushy little newborn. Now he is bright-eyed and alert, playful and responsive. He wants to sit up, he wants to grab at things, he wants to talk – he’s just getting so big. I read your posts and just CAN’T believe how big your boys are. Where does the time go??? I want to be more intentional with the time that we do have. Just yesterday, I was thinking that I need to spend more time being happy in the present, no matter the circumstances, because tomorrow will come and then today will be gone. You are so right – God doesn’t want us to live paralyzed by fear. Thank you for reminding me of this!
Just like lots of the other commenter so far, I am having the same thoughts and emotions this year as kids are starting back to school, and I see posts of kids starting kindergarten. I just get overwhelmed with emotion that it’s passing so quickly and these days are numbered.
I try to live in the moment, but it’s so hard sometimes, and I try not to have anxiety about Weston and William growing up, but that’s so hard too. It feels like life is just spiraling forward and before I know it they’ll be out of college.
I also worry about my parents getting older. I want them to be around forever to know my kids…realistically though I know it’s not possible.
I love this post! Thank you so much for sharing this and reminding me that this is how I should think.
Very well said.
Just want to encourage you that those feelings are normal and most moms can relate to the heart pangs of letting your children go. And, just because you have those feelings, it doesn’t mean you don’t want your children to experience those milestones…and find every bit of joy in life that they can.
My 4th child starts his junior year of high school next week. I have butterflies, even tho I know he will be fine.
And my 3rd child starts his senior year of college next week. He is packing things up to move back to college tomorrow and my heart is so sad. Not that I don’t want him to go…it’s just that I don’t want him to go. 😉
Growing pains…mommies have them, too.
I’m one of those moms who has always loved my children being close to me…all the chicks in the nest. I love when they are all home. But, my kids are older, and they are finding their own way…and even tho it’s what God calls us to do as parents, it’s hard. The truth is that from the time our children are born, we are letting them go a little bit each day…and that’s how it should be.
Thank you for the reminder to cherish each day, no matter where we are in life…
“Worry does not empty tomorrow of it’s sorrow, it empties today of it’s strength.” Corrie ten Boom
Amen to this post. Will started preschool last week and it’s like my eyes were seeing him walk to his room door with his new backpack and a “bye-bye, Mama!” cast over his shoulder but my brain refused to acknowledge it for a few minutes. It’s shocking, the trip from birth to Pre-K. So, so, so, so, so fast. People say that but really, it’s a time warp or something! Anyway, thanks for the perspective. I’ve been doing better with things but this helped!
Thank you for writing what’s been in my head and on my heart for the past few weeks.
Erin! I so needed to read this post today! I just mentioned to Clay last night how I feel like those special moments we got to experience with Bryson at the beach last week were gone in a second. I remember telling myself to “be” in the moment because it’ll be over as soon as I blink my eyes. I know I cannot continue to live my life always worrying about it ending so soon!
I know that suffocating feeling all to well! I want so badly to have them stay at this age FOREVER!! But that’s not what The Lord wants 🙂 I’m excited about want their futures hold, but it also scares me just a little! Thank you mama for your encouraging words tonight!!
Thank you so much for this post. You put into words what I feel as a mom. My son is only 18 months old, and I feel like the time is flying by. Thanks for always being such a positive light to a “newish” momma trying to figure it all out!!!
Such an honest heartfelt post. And I couldn’t agree more. My girl is 10 and about to start 5th grade. I look at her everyday and wonder how she got to be 10? It goes so fast, and all we can do as mommas is love them everyday and cherish the moments we get. I know for me, there are certain ages that really hit me and make me pause for a bit. Kindergarten was the biggest realization that my baby girl was becoming a little lady. Now I’m embarking on the tween years and that’s a whole ‘nother can of emotions! Enjoy these precious years.
That was so sweet and so true!
I feel the same way! My daughter is in 1st grade, my son started pre-k last week and my youngest son will be two and entering the nursery when I go back to work. I was just telling my husband the other night that I haven’t been able to breath for the last three years!! When I drop them off I want to curl up in a ball and cry lol! I just try to focus on the places that God will take them and just trust that they are covered in his arms. It’s a daily struggle though but I know that my job is to aid them in becoming independent thinkers and leaders.
This is a beautiful post, Erin! I have the same gasping for air feelings. I’ve always focused on the next step and I’ve been desperately trying to change that by living in the now.
This brought tears to my eyes! So, SO, very true. I struggle with living in the moment as I am a planner and constantly thinking about the future instead of taking in the moment. That is something I am working hard to change.
beautiful and i hear you and feel you. it is a hard hard process. i am so in disbelief over ella’s long leg. and i have a first grader? what? it just won’t slow down but i love this kid at this age. oh so grateful for all of it. thanks for great reminders and thoughts.
I am having such a hard time with my Hudson going into Pre-K. I want this year to go by SO slow…the thought of having a kindergartner kills me!