What is it about the weather that affects our outlook so much?
In this case, I don’t think it’s just the weather. I think a lot of it is time, too.
As you all know, we’re in a really interesting season of life. I’m a planner. I planned to have us sell our house, and that took a whole lot longer than we expected.
And then I planned that we’d find a house that we loved enough to make an offer – or that something wasn’t seriously wrong with- and that didn’t really happen. So we moved in with Todd’s grandmother.
And then I was surprised and delighted to find out that I was pregnant. Only to go through a heartbreaking miscarriage very soon after finding out.
I didn’t plan any of this.
This season has been one of dryness for me. And maybe even a little bit of bitterness. I haven’t felt like myself in months.
Since the miscarriage, I have felt empty and heartbroken. I’ve felt confused. I’ve still been trying to convince my heart that we won’t be having a baby in September and I need to stop thinking about the plans associated with that.
But this week, the rain stopped. The cold left. And the gorgeous, skin-warming sun showed up.
The boys and I got outside. We’ve all laughed. Real, true laughter. Not laughter that hides the pain, but real laughter where you don’t even know what pain feels like because you’re so happy.
I look at my precious Hayes and realize that I’m not ready for him to be the middle child. Every single bit of him is my tee-tiny baby and I’m just not ready to give that up.
The dryness is leaving me. I’ve cried out daily for God to take this pain from me, but I hadn’t been putting in the time to allow Him to fill me up. I had just been in constant mourning, and a whole lot less praise.
We drove by our lot on Tuesday morning and there was a bulldozer. The work has begun. The earth is being moved. The foundation is being laid. Our new chapter is on the horizon, and I can see it. Clearly.
In the mean time, we’re content. The sadness is still there for me, but life is moving along. And we’re all in a good place.
I know that days will come when I’ll think about September and what could have been. Maybe the day will come someday when we’re ready to finish out that fifth bedroom in the new house to welcome a new family member.
Right now, though, we’re just content to be. We’re soaking up moments with grandparents who live right down the road and two silly little boys who have the rare experience of growing up with a great-grandmother.
The sun is out. Summer is coming. The azaleas are in bloom, the windows are rolled down, and the music is cranking. God has delivered this new season to us and here’s my opportunity to seize it.
We’re soaking up the sun. We’re enjoying each minute with each other (and don’t be mistaken, we’re still having to discipline imperfect children). And we’re just going to sit back and watch our new home rise up.
And that’s exactly what I want for my family.
You are just so sweet and precious. Praying for you and this new season of your life. XOXO
I’m with Shay. And I’m so happy for you that God’s grace is bringing a smile back to your face and heart!
I’ve been in a season of dryness too-I appreciated your words so much-though our circumstances are different. Thank you for saying what I haven’t been able to. 🙂
Erin, you are such a talented writer and a woman of faith. I believe God has given you the gift of words to encourage others through your strength and grace.
Wow! It’s very encouraging to realize I’m not alone in these times and struggles. Our situations may not be exactly the same, but I’m learning that all young wives and mothers have these moments and seasons. Thank you for being willing to share your heart. It’s very encouraging.
This is beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. You expressed yourself so honestly and it was very encouraging for those of us in difficult seasons as well. It really is amazing how the weather can affect our lives and I’ve felt the same for months. I’m praying that the rest of 2013 will be restorative and healing for you. He is able! Love you. XO
I’ve been where you are concerning the miscarriage. My husband and I had been married for 5 months when we unexpectedly found out we were expecting. Despite our shock, we were very excited. And unfortunately, we immediately announced it to the world. About 5 weeks later, we lost our precious baby. I grieved deeply for the better part of a year. Our baby would have been born in April 2011 and I seemed to lose it more with each passing month. Honestly, I felt God’s love throughout that time as well, but I never allowed myself to heal from the pain of that loss until we found out we were pregnant again. I hate to admit that it took another life for me to finally move on from the loss of the first. Especially because if that pregnancy had ended in miscarriage as well…..I truly don’t know where I would be today. It was harder than anything I’ve ever experienced.
All that to say, I’m praying for you sweet Erin. I pray that you’ll allow God’s grace to become more and more apparent in your life and that His healing will envelope you way sooner and in a much healthier way than I allowed.
Also, I find it very encouraging to hear you speak openly about your struggles with it. Miscarriage is such a difficult thing to talk about and so many women suffer in silence as a result, so I know that you’re being a help to someone out there that otherwise would be all alone.
Erin, I think we all go through these tough seasons in life – some are just so much harder than others! I know the pain of losing a pregnancy – it’s one that doesn’t go away easily, so I completely understand how you feel right now. It’s such a loss. A heartbreaking loss. And one that deserves to be grieved. But, I am so glad to hear that you are doing better and have a positive outlook!!! You and your beautiful family have so much to look forward to in the coming months and I am so excited to follow along on this journey with you. Thank you for reminding me to enjoy the happy little moments in life instead of wallowing in the tough stuff!:)
This is such a beautiful post. I know what it is to suffer the heartache of miscarriage. It does leave you empty and longing for that tiny life who became part of your future from the time you knew they were. You miss who you planned for them to be. From the time a woman sees two pink lines on a pregnancy test, the vision begins. We fall in love with the hope of a life with someone created to be ours alone.
I’m so glad you are doing well and that not only sun – S-U-N, but the son – S-O N is shining down warmth and healing in your life.
Girl, I have been there with you. Recovering from Davis’ health crisis has taken me a full 18 months, we wanted to sell our house and couldn’t, now everything in it is breaking. And we have no clue where we’re going to send Madelyn to school next year because the school we’re zoned for is far from ideal. And let me just say- this girl does not like when her plans don’t go her way, and she does not deal well with uncertainty. I KNOW the Lord is working on us right- teaching us to rely on him and to be grateful. It isn’t easy (seriously) but it will be worth it. I really think it can be a period of heart transformation if we let it 🙂
It’s probably so hard to keep a good attitude during all of this, Erin. I would be so frustrated waiting for God’s plan too! But the sunshine does help 🙂
I had a miscarriage between baby 2 and 3. God is faithful and I know you know that. I was pregnant before my due date rolled and around and actually gave birth at the 1 year anniversary of the miscarriage. Hang in there. Love and prayers!
Wendy
this is a great post. i know it’s been a rough winter, but i am so excited for y’all to be settled! xo
Thank the Lord for new seasons.
<3
Just lovely, Erin! I call the sunshine God’s smiles. Sometimes we have to wait awhile to see them, but once we do they change everything! xo
I’m so happy to read this. It’s so good to see people be real about their struggles but then also talk about how God shows up for them. I’m glad you have found some peace in the middle of all the unplanned-ness. 🙂
I’m a planner too. Seems like God is constantly trying to teach me not to invent all my faith in plans and leave it up to him. I live by lists and plans for sanity, and the past two years God has ripped every list and plan out of my hand and forced me to trust him more than that little scrap of paper. It’s a tough lesson I’m still attempting to cope with.
Love you friend! I know the past is hard & painful in many ways…for all of us. What I learned in my Beth Moore Bible Study this week was so profound for me in the areas of hurt from my past. We have to own it! We have to go back & ask God to sanctify that area of our life, because if not, Satan will be all over it. That way, when the thoughts creep up & we want to mourn, we are more inclined to be joyful & give praise. Easier said than done, obviously, but I just thought it was so profound, & I had never thought about my past heartaches in such a manner. I balled at BS this week. I will choose daily to own my past, it’s part of me, who I’ve become, and who God intends for me to become. I hope this makes sense to you, my sweet, Christian sister! Hugs from Texas & so looking forward to you all having a beautiful new home for your family.
For some reason I can’t respond via email, but this made me cry. I love you and miss you so much!!
*bawled…whoops!
This is a beautifully written post, Erin. I will continue to pray for comfort and healing for you and Todd.
This is a beautiful post, friend! Thank you, God, for showing us things when we need them the most! I’ll be praying for this new season in life for you guys! I know it will be a good one and maybe even an unplanned one 🙂
This is beautiful, Erin. I love your honesty, it inspires so many. Praying for you in this season.
Oh Erin, this post brought tears to my eyes. I have been thinking about & praying for you lately. My heart just hurts for you. I really felt your pain/hope/trust/contentedness in this post. Praying God continues to work in you & through you during this season. xoxo.
Erin–Thank you for sharing! My thoughts and prayers are with you. I too have been there twice. We have been blessed with 4 children here with us and two in heaven. We named our babies, our kids know and talk about them and wonder if they have brothers or sisters in heaven! I pray you find comfort and healing through this season of life. God’s blessings!
so beautiful erin. so glad you shared. praying for you.
Praying for you Erin. Smile that beautiful smile…I know God will heal your heart in due time. 🙂
Love you!
Aww Erin I haven’t been on the blog for quite sometime now. I am sorry to hear about everything. It’s makes my heart ache because you feel that you are the only one going through things and then realize that others are too. I too am so overwhelmed with a lot of things that I know God has better plans for my family and I and I need to seek him more to get a better feel of what it is I will be praying for you and hope that you pray for me as well.