I find myself getting caught somewhere between ambition and fear.
I have a little list of ideas, major projects, and goals. Just some things I think I’d like to try or maybe even a small business idea. But I am always held back by fear.
Fear of failing. Fear of rocking the boat a little too much. Fear of messing up our routine or adding more than we can handle to our routine.
Our life isn’t perfect. It isn’t always easy. But it’s familiar and we’re accustomed to it. And I enjoy it. I love it.
The day may come for me to take those tap dancing lessons. The day may come for me to finally dive head first into an event planning business. Maybe that day is next week.
But it’s hard to even think about getting a ball like that rolling along.
We have an event coming up where I’ll be meeting a lot of new people. And I already have a little bit of anxiety as I think about telling these new people that my job is being a mom. Taking care of the home. Will they look at me like I have six heads? Will they even know what to say to me after that? It wouldn’t be the first time that a conversation has ended because of my occupation.
I know that my role in life doesn’t define me. The decisions I’ve made to not use my degree and the decisions I’m making daily to keep putting off some things that I’d really like to do don’t define me.
As Jessi said earlier this week, no matter what we do, we are enough and not too much in our Father’s eyes.
I know deep in my heart that my Heavenly Father loves me right where I am, and that my insecurities concerning my occupation are completely overlooked. His grace covers my doubts and, when I am feeling brave one day, He will carry me through as I attempt to achieve a goal.
In this season of my life, the word “just” comes out of my mouth a lot. And when I think about how to answer the question about what I do, I say, “I just stay home with my kids.”
Seeing it right there makes me cringe a little bit. So when I love it, and I know how valuable my role is, why am I consumed with insecurity over it?
Deep down, I know that I’m not just anything. There are people that need me.
Some need kisses and hugs and band-aids and diapers changed. They need their train set put back together, they need me to turn on the iPod for dance parties in the living room, They need me to hold them until they fall asleep.
Some people need me to listen and encourage when they’re going through a hard time. Some need me to laugh with them as we escape the real world for five minutes to have a text conversation.
Some people need me to offer advice about a party or upcoming event. Or give an honest opinion about something they’ve written.
My schedule may just be consumed with my children, but it’s up to me to drop the “just.”
Do you ever find yourself caught somewhere between ambition and fear?
You’re not “just” anything. You’re not “just” a mom or “just” anything else. Did you notice you gave the same “just” treatment at the beginning of your post when you brought up your goals and ambitions? Those sound like fantastic goals by the way- the very best goals SHOULD simultaneously excite you and also scare you. That is how you get out of your comfort zone. And when you step out of your comfort zone, that is when you grow and learn how much you are capable of and gain confidence. Also, how does the “I just” issue you discuss today relate to your “I can’t” post recently? As for that tricky occupation question, you can say you are a SAHM if you feel comfortable doing so. Or you could say you are an event planner, but taking a few years off to enjoy your kids while they are so little- or say something witty like “I teach tiny humans the English language.” Your response to this question might depend on who is asking, so there is no one right answer to this question.
Sometimes you write just what I need to hear. I loved my job so much and I still struggle with my decision to leave my job to be with Henry full time. While I don’t regret being a stay-at-home mom, I do wonder where I’d be at career-wise had I made the decision to go back. I want to put myself out there and try something new, while still staying at home, but I’m scared!
You are doing is the most important job you will ever do, because you are investing in lives gifted specifically to you by God. And you are doing great!
When I struggled with secondary infertility, I used to give the same type of answer when people would ask how many children I had. i would respond, “Just one.” It was because i felt inadequate not being able to have anymore children at that time in my life.
Sometimes it’s hard to gain contentment where we are in life, because we are always looking down the road to what might be ahead for us. There is a lot ahead for you, but feel confident that you are doing the most important job possible right now. Enjoy every minute of this time. It goes quickly, and you’ll be on to the next phase before you know it.
Have a great weekend!
I needed this post today! A friend of mine who owns her own small business got me thinking about it the other night…I don’t know exactly what that is yet but I know that one day I would like to start a small business. While I struggle with having gone back to work I am hopeful that soon I’ll be able to find that balance between taking care of all of Hudson’s needs and taking care of my own as well.
Oh how I needed these words. I sometimes feel like I only matter to three people in the world- and they all live in my house. Sometimes (often times) it doesn’t feel like enough. But, I matter to the creator of the universe, and wow, isn’t that something? XO
yes!
I love it, Kodi. You are so right! I know this in my heart, but sometimes my head just needs a swift gift for a reminder! 🙂
Today I was asked by a friend why I don’t go back to work. Why I don’t put my son in daycare and work for myself. My son is only 2. I only have a few years with him before he goes off to school. There is plenty of time for me to work. But not so much time with my son when he is little and needs me so very much.
There are a lot of things that I want to do. Most of which I’m too scared to actually do. One thing at a time though.
Fear of failing is completely normal. I’m very much a creature of habit, but inwardly give myself a push when I’m reluctant to do something out of failure. I have a fear of public speaking, yet I’m an attorney – LOL. I know it doesn’t make sense to most people, but it’s a way of showing myself that I can do it (plus, I enjoy my job). No one should judge you for being a stay at home mom. People should choose what they think is best for themselves and their loved ones. I have several friends who chose to put their career on hold to be at home. I was raised by a stay at home mom. As women, we should be supportive of each other instead of judgmental.
You’re “just” doing wh at’s best for your family at the moment..nothing wrong with that!
The “just” complex isn’t something that only stay-at-home mother’s have to face – I think it’s universal, and some people are simply more prone to downplaying their contributions to society. I can’t tell you how many times in my life I’ve said that I’m “just” a Ph.D., as though my 80 hour weeks developing inhibitors for melanoma and breast cancer aren’t as important as a physician. When people hear the institute where they work, they’re often very impressed, but I downplay it as no big deal since I’m “just” a postdoc, even though I was thrilled to receive a job offer from my top choice lab.
Do you think if you had something else by which to define yourself, you would stop with the “just” complex? Because for me, I don’t think it matters what I do, I’ll always unintentionally downplay my accomplishments.
It’s definitely a personal problem. It’s not related to how I spend my day- it’s just ME. I did the same thing at both of my old jobs. I just never felt like they were “good enough.”
wow, I just stumbled on your blog and I feel so much of what you write here. I have an idea brewing in my mind…..but I’m so scared to take a leap of faith. It’s something I’m passionate about but I lack confidence and motivations sometimes. Praying for God to show me and give me peace about if/when I should do it.
I think the “just” sometimes falls out of my mouth out of respect for my working mom friends. I can’t imagine splitting my time/energy/mind/emotions between family and a full time job.
Aaaaand sometimes because I feel that pressure to accomplish. Because this friend is getting her masters and this friend just got a promotion and I want to say “hey, I’m smart too!” It’s just the world we live in, where you list degrees after your name and it matters not only that you went to college but where, and you don’t just have a job but a “career”, etc. etc.
But what’s unusual is being happy and content where you are, so that’s what I’m working on!
I have been meaning to tell you- one of the partner’s wives at my old firm takes tap. They perform all over the place- singing and tapping at nursing homes and the children’s hospital. I adore this about her! She has 2 boys who have left the nest for college, and struggles with that a lot. She is now determined to be the best mother in law ever (someday). She also serves as a deacon at our church and we jazzercise together. So basically, I want to be her when I grow up, and I think you will be!
On a more seriou note, I have been experiencing some of that “just” feeling since I left the law firm, like, I just work for my family business now, or I just work from home. However, I felt that kind of yuck feeling too, when I told people I didn’t stay home. There is no winning sometimes! Until you take the tap lesson. Do it, Erin!
Oh, since I first mentioned tap dancing, I’ve heard from so many tap-dancers! I’m definitely going to do this when the boys go to school!
You’re so right. I can remember when I worked that I never felt like my job was prestigious enough when talking to certain people.
Yes!!! You don’t understand how this just spoke to me! This is exactly what I’m struggling with right now. Not the SAHM situation but the being caught between ambition and fear. I’m praying that God will just help me to see past my fears so I can get to he place in my life I feel I should be. Thanks for sharing this.
We hooked our security system up today. The gal that came over looked the place over to see what was in place and saw our kids interacting as she did so. As we headed to the kitchen to sit down and do paperwork, she stopped and asked if I liked being a stay at home mom. And then in-between business, we talked all things parenting and we were able to share about the Lord. Thus, a word of encouragement- when you concentrate on the relationships and priorities that God has given you, others are going to notice your joy, contentment, and sense of purpose and they will more than likely want what you have…and you’ll probably get to share about the One who makes it all worthwhile. You’re going to do great at this event. 🙂
Amazing post Erin. I found myself in a situation this week where I was ruffling feathers and didn’t intend to at all. I was in a group of women, half single, half stay at home moms, and then me…the current bread winner for our family in our late 20’s with no children because my husband is in graduate school. I was trying so desperately to make my point that we need to make sure we encourage women and protect the women we are in contact with, that what a Godly woman was isn’t defined so simple by whether or not you cook dinner or stay home…it is so much more than that. It was all lost on them though. Instead of hearing me say we should love and support women, that there are no absolutes and we should critize for staying home or not…they read me as a bra burning hippie who apparently disrespected my husband. Every family is different, what works for you and Todd might not work for us, but that doesn’t mean I or you am less of a wife. You stay home with your boys becaue it is best for your family, they love you, and appreciate what you do for them. The only ‘just’ is that you do what just God has called you to do for yourself, your family, and his kingdom.
Oh Erin I so needed this! I am in such a transitional place in my life ad have been battling my own insecurities and identity issues and this was such an encouragement. And it’s funny to me because I don’t have kids and I always think “if I was a SAHM or something people would understand leaving my college degree related career because it wasn’t right for my family but since I don’t have kids people don’t understand.” It’s all relative I suppose. But you are right, Gods grace does cover me and my doubts and He loves me where I am even if that place is one I’m still trying to navigate and figure out. I don’t know why I feel I need to justify my choices to others or why I allow my self worth to be tied to my career choices but I know God is teaching me that I need to find all of that in Him. And while its really uncomfortable right now I am grateful. Thank you for sharing your heart, it encouraged mine!
You know, before I had kids I would say the same thing. “When I become a SAHM I will finally get everything done that I want to get done. I”ll have perfect meals, and be perfectly fit, and my kids will be clean all the time and in the cutest clothes. And I’ll even have hobbies!” ha!
I can totally relate!! It wasn’t until I read “Professionalizing Motherhood” by Hearts at Home founder Jill Savage that I became confident about telling people I’m a mom when asked what I do. Before, I felt the need to explain about side jobs that I did – freelance writing and photography – to make myself sound better. Now I proudly state “I stay home with my kids!” And I don’t care what they infer from that, because I know I work just as hard, if not harder, than other women who have what they consider “real” jobs.
Never stop dreaming and planning for yourself…but our kids are the most important thing in the world. It can be an exhausting and frustrating job, and many people romanticize it…but the truth is that if it wasn’t so hard, more people would do it.
It sounds like I need to read this book!
“Just a mom” is the most important job in this world! My mom chose to stay home after I was born and I feel so blessed that she did. I know it afforded both my sister and I a lot of opportunities that we may not have had if she had worked 9-5. My job, luckily, offers some flexibility so that I’m able to go to all of the boys’ school events/field trips. I think that whether you’re a stay-at-home mom or a working mom, the choice is yours. Don’t ever feel like you’re “just” a mom. I adore my career and I’m so blessed by it, but at the end of the day, I define myself as a wife and mother, not a marketing director.
I think everyone struggles the with “just” wherever they are! Never let those lies get to you! Hearing all of those things that you do each day and the way you love on people just shows that you’re more than you can imagine to so many people! Plus – you have the chance to be an inspiration to others through your blog! The middle of fear and ambition is so common, but I can’t wait to see what you’ve got going on next! If it’s tap-dancing lessons, please take a video. 🙂