“I can’t.”
I remember being one of those kids who would try something for just a minute or two. Trying to go across the monkey bars. Trying to tie my shoes. Trying to turn a cartwheel.
And if I didn’t get it quickly, I’d say, “I can’t.”
Hudson is my child to the core. When building something with his Legos or dressing himself or when we ask him to put his dishes in the dishwasher.
He follows it up with a big, “I can’t.”
And usually it’s something that he’s trying for the first time. But every single time he says, “I can’t” to us, my heart aches for him. I don’t get upset; I want to scoop him up and tell him that I think he is one of the greatest, coolest, most talented people I know. I want him to understand that he can do anything and that it hurts my mama heart when he says that about himself.
As a kid, I could never understand why adults would get so upset when I’d say those two little words. Why were they so mad because I couldn’t do something?
As Hudson’s mother, I’m upset because I want him to try. I never want him to doubt himself. I never want him to feel some of the huge insecurities that I feel. I never want him to feel inadequate, and I want him to know that God will help him do anything that he wants to do.
I’m a big believer in praying scripture for our children. I will occasionally come across a verse that jumps out at me as something that I need to be praying for Hudson or for Hayes. And this verse, that is one of the most familiar verses in the Word, is the one I’ve been praying for sweet Hudson.
Philippians 4:13
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
When he’s playing soccer and learning something new, I want him to do know he can do anything. When he’s learning about independence and doing things himself, I want him to know he can do anything.
We encourage him and tell him how proud of him we are. We walk alongside him in these years because the day is coming where we can’t hold his hand through the hard stuff. But we also let go and teach him how to sort through his frustration and disappointment without us.
It’s tough as a mom. I want to do it all for him. But I know that I’m not doing him any favors that way.
I also know in my gut that he can do it. He can do anything that he tries to do. And I’m praying that he believes that in his little heart, too.
I speak scripture over all three of my children. My oldest is now 20 and my youngest are 4 year old twins. When my oldest was in high school and having a difficult time with something, I would print scriptures out and hang them on his bathroom mirror or in his room. I wanted him to have constant reminders. Now with my little twins, i say a scripture that applies and have them repeat it back to me. You can never start to early.
Erin! Thank you so much for this post. We are going through the same exact thing with Bryson and I get so discouraged sometimes when he tells me “I can’t do it mama.” This post was such an encouragement. Sometimes as a mom I feel like I’m all alone in certain situations, and that there is no one else going through this. I love my boys so much and I love what you said about being able to hold their hands right now, but I know very quickly that will come to an end. Thank you so much for these encouraging words!!!
Thank you for this post! My daughter says those words a lot and I need to start remembering to speak scripture to her.
Perfect post. James has a habit of saying he can’t before trying, too. And it’s not (usually) laziness or not wanting to, it’s usually feeling like he really and truly can’t. I am working hard to build him up!
I really appreciated this post and am experiencing this with my daughter too. It makes me sad because I did it too as a kid! I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me is one of my favorite verses.
So true! He CAN do anything. Love it! Great post girl :).
What am important thing to talk about. Some kids are able to overcome the “I can’ts” by breaking things down into steps. This can work two ways: 1) asking him to do each part of a task separately when they are less inromidating and then putting them all together, or 2) talking with him about what parts of the task he thinks he can do and what parts he can’t do or is afraid to so. You could follow up with talking more about the part he “can’t” do, and what he can do himself to make that part easier. If he thinks up the solutions, this will boost his confidence.
The other thing to keep in mind is that “I can’t is often a learned response to a situation- so where is Hudson learning this? I’m not judging here, just offering food for thought. Parenting is nothing if not a tool to make us face our greatest challenges in the mirror over and over. One thing you can do is heap on the praise when Hudson does two things: 1) when he tries new things, and 2) when tries for something and it is hard so he asks for help. These are huge accomplishments for him, so make a big deal out of them. Let him know you would rather him try and ask for help when he is stuck than to day “I can’t” from the get go.
Thank you, Heather! We have been showing him step by step ways to get things done, and he really sees that he CAN do something. It’s so funny, because while I was an “I can’t” kid, I’m not an “I can’t” adult. I think kids pick up so much of this from each other at school and church. And it’s just something he has learned to say immediately before he tries. He’s afraid of failing, so rather than trying he just decides that he can’t. I’m glad that he seems to be working through it, and I pray that we can encourage him more and more with praise and confidence building words! 🙂
Maybe it is something about getting ready to turn 4, because we are going through the same thing. We told our daughter tonight that we are replacing “I can’t” with “I’m trying.” Sometimes I think she doesn’t want to try.
Perfect timing for me to read this post. JW has started using “I can’t” and it is frustrating. I think right now it is out of laziness because it is usually things he has done before. But thank you for opening my heart to understand that sometimes, he just needs encouragement, not a frustrated mommy saying “yes you can.”
Love this post because this was SO me as a child though I’m trying to not be this way as an adult. My daughter isn’t to the “i can’t” stage yet because she’s barely talking but I’m bookmarking this post to read when we get to it. That scripture is perfect to pray about and teach our little ones.
Instilling confidence in our kids is one of the most important things we can do. I love that you pray scripture over your boys and it’s something I need to start doing. I can relate to the “I can’ts.” I’m a fairly confident person and it just hurts to hear one of the boys say they can’t do something. I always want them to try and learn that even if they ultimately aren’t able to do something, it’s not because they didn’t try.
hudson is lucky to have you in his cheering section. i needed that scripture for MYSELF today! 🙂
This is really sweet. I was one of those kids too, big time!
I can totally relate. I want my son to know he can do anything. He gets mad when he tries to get his basketball in our little basketball hoop. I want to teach him not to give up. That he is so special and so perfect in my eyes.
I love what you wrote in this post!