The start of a new school year is a new beginning. It’s a time to open up my calendar and look at the football schedule, the preschool calendar, the church calendar, the Junior League calendar, and Todd’s work calendar and start planning out our fall. Everyone gives us a jam-packed calendar and before we know it, we’ve filled in our calendars all the way to Christmas.
A few of these calendars come with opportunities to sign up to volunteer. Bake sales, t-shirt sales, concerts, class parties, room mom, organizing a class party, bringing dinner, decorating for an event… The need for help follows us around. And my usual tendency has been to look at all of these opportunities and sign myself right up.
Why do I do this?
1. I like to help make things easier for people. If someone tells me they need my help, then I want to help them. Which leads me to number two.
2. I want people to like me. Will they still like me if I say no? Probably. Most definitely. Right? Maybe not. Maybe someone will be disappointed and maybe someone will *gasp* talk about me behind my back. (I need to re-read So Long Insecurity.)
3. In many cases, I actually do better with a full schedule. I’m more productive when I’m running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I was this way in my job and I’m this way when I’m at home.
But not this year. Not. This. Year.
I’m giving myself a grace year. I’m saying no.
I’m still going to do the Holiday Market decorations because I love it. And we’ll still be really involved with our Sunday school class. And I’ll still participate in our Christmas music at church.
But the extra stuff isn’t for me. Not right now. Any extra time is reserved for my family and my friends and relationships. I don’t want to tell anyone this year that I can’t get together for dinner because of an obligation.
I don’t want to miss putting my babies to bed because I’m setting up for an event.
I don’t want to miss opportunities for girls’ nights and I don’t want my laundry to pile up all because I’ve over-extended myself.
Here’s what I need to remember.
1. If I’m disappointing someone, it’s not going to be my family members. No, sir. Not this year.
2. I can’t do it all, and I shouldn’t want to do it all.
3. My value and worth is not determined by the amount of projects I attempt to tackle. My worth is find in Christ Jesus alone. His grace is enough for me. And I don’t need to search for approval from others or create a full calendar to find that worth. He loves me. Unconditionally. What else do I need to know? What else could I possibly need to fill me up?
I want to serve. I want to help people. I want to pull my weight and contribute where there is a need. But my kids are only little once. I have a lifetime ahead of me to do all of these things.
And I know that I can make even more of a difference if I take that previously “booked” time and devote it to the relationships in my life.
photo by Sarah Lyn Photography in Destin, Florida
2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. ” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
Thanks for sharing this, Erin. This is something I struggle with, too. My biggest problem is that a full calender makes me feel busy, and I too, think I’m more productive when I’m busy. I am going to follow in your footsteps and focus more on my relationships. P.S… What a great pictures of Hudson and Hayes!
This is beautiful, Erin! Thanks for inspiring me today 🙂
Love this post! Thank you so much for the reminder!! I have often wondered what would happen if I said “no”…….I think I’ll give it a try!
Love that picture of your children! Did you take it? If yes, did you use your “prime” lens?
Thank you.
Hey Maureen, Thank you so much. I realized I didn’t put the photo credit in my post, but I’ve edited it now. We had some pictures taken when we were at the beach by Sarah Lyn Photography. I wish I could say I took that photo of my boys, but I didn’t. 🙂
That photo of your two boys is so beautiful. I love it. Erin, you are very wise. You are doing all the right things.
What a great post and great reminder that we could all benefit from saying “no” once in a while!
Beautiful post and definitely something that I need to remember with fall coming. I LOVE that picture of Hudson and Hayes! Absolutely stunning!
Great reminders! Thanks, Erin!
Good luck!!!! I hope you not only exceed your goals for family time/relationships this fall but blow them out of the water!
I could have written this a couple of years ago. When several of my commitments ended that December, I stepped (way) back for a while. And it was good. I also seem to get a lot more done when I have less unscheduled time, but it wears me out and doesn’t leave much for my family. It’s always about finding a balance. I have to be sure I have time for me in the mix (to go for a run or a bike ride, to go to a Bible study, to have time with friends), but I also need time to work on the laundry, help with homework, and prepare dinner. Family comes first here, too. Now that our children are older, the schedule quickly fills with their (very limited) activities and a few other commitments for the adults. And that’s okay, because that is where our focus needs to be for this season.
It’s encouraging to see that other mothers are making the same decision – especially when I sometimes feel surrounded by supermoms!
You are smart to take some time off if you need it. Your kids will be happy to have you present and there is plenty of time as they get older to help. I found the best things to volunteer for are where your children actually see you helping and can get involved too. You can see their pride in having their Mom there.
I remember that, too, about my childhood. I hope I can be there for them and be present with them when their schools need me. As long as it doesn’t leave me stressed and frazzled, totally defeating the purpose. 🙂 Thanks, Vicki, for your encouragement.
Great post!! I feel like I need to remind myself of this monthly. ha!
BTW, love the picture of the boys
This is such a HUGE thing for me, too. As it stands right now we have no free weekends in October, two in November, and probably none in December. It wears me out and makes me so angry. My MIL told me the other day to “put on your calendar such-and-such for J to come to my house.” Not “May he come on this weekend,” just “Put it down.” I just don’t know where to draw the line sometimes. Stress.
It’s so tough, Lauren. It all just comes down to who I’m disappointing, and right now I just don’t want to disappointed my kiddos. 🙁
Wonderful post and AMEN!!! I like your attitude about this!! You are a good woman my dear!
good for you! xo
Love this post! It’s so easy to sign up for so many things and to spread ourselves too thin. Good for you for saying “no” to the things that you don’t feel called to do at this time.
I struggle so much with saying no. I find that because I’m single, people expect me to be more available to accept invitations to house sit or dog sit, or bake something for an event or man a booth at a volunteer function. I don’t have responsibilities other than myself, no husband to go home to, no children to take care of – so I am the FIRST person people in my circle of friends and colleagues think of for a favor. I could say no a lot more than I do. I’ve just bought into their unspoken logic that because I don’t have a family I should do these things with my spare time.
I can’t even imagine how you juggle being a wife, mom to those two precious boys and take on additional responsibilities. Proud of you for working on saying no.
I don’t think it matters what stage of life we’re in. If we’re spending more time doing things that leave us overwhelmed and cranky, then it’s not a good use of time. Your time is valuable and you should be able to say no. Kids or no kids, do what is right for you.
I love this post. I over-extend myself as well and with a baby coming in October, I had to say no to a great new job offer because having a baby, completing my coursework and then finishing my student teaching would just be too much as it is. Even though I know saying no is good for me, I still have a hard time with it. I think this year being a grace year will be great for me as well. I’m going to learn to say no and just have time with myself, my baby, and my family. Thanks for the reminder.
I love this, and I totally agree. I just recently thought about my calendar for the year and changes that I want to make as far as saying no and not doing as much. I think this is great!
Way to hit the nail on the head for me Erin! I feel like there is so much pressure and expectation to take on everything that comes our way. Just because nothing is on the calendar doesn’t mean it needs to be taken up with something. Sometimes it’s nice when I’m asked what I’ve got planned for the weekend and I can say, NOTHING! I applaud your year of grace and I need to remember this post. And the pic of your boys on the beach – so sweet!
Great post! Your family comes first, and sometimes you have to say “no.” I always feel bad when I can’t commit to something, but I’m not willing to sacrifice a lot of the time with my family to do 500 different projects. I absolutely help in some ways, but I won’t take on as much as I used to either.
yes. to all of this. a grace year sounds lovely.
We just stepped away from a lot of committments we had at church. I’ve felt bad, because our church has SUCH a great need for child care workers (which is really sad when you think that we have 3000+ members at church and can’t find nursery workers) and we’ve done it for the past 5 years. But Drew and I both felt like we needed to step away and take some classes for just us, and adding another hour to the boys already on Sunday just didn’t seem fair. I feel like this season of life is not necessarily for pouring out into others as much as our families– soon our kids will be grown and at sleep overs and nights away won’t be near as inconvenient or time consuming as they would be now with littles.
I think this is where we are, too. It’s so hard because I want to serve so badly, but I also hate being away from my family for this reasons. It’s so tough.
I took on this mentality last year and it was the best holiday season ever for me and my family. I want to spend time making memories with Alex and my girls because just like you said, they’re only little once. I have plenty of time to volunteer when they’re in college. 🙂
Enjoy your grace year, friend. Wise decision. You won’t regret it.
Xoxo
I had to laugh when I read Jill’s comment that she would have plenty of time once her children were in college~so true…….we dropped off our baby girl at college this weekend and I decided that this is going to be the year I say “no”….I have been the “yes” girl for many many years…but I want to be able to support my daughters as they enter a new phase in their life so therefore, I am taking a grace year too….Erin, I think this may be the best post you have written and I am a long time follower…… I love the fact that you are calling it the grace year….because His grace is sufficient….2 Corinthians 12:9
I spent the first two years out of law school saying yes to everyone. It was exhausting. I was doing a lot, but I was not doing anything well. Things were falling through the cracks and I was miserable. I finally started saying “no” about a year ago and I have been so much happier. I’ve had more time to relax and the duties I say “yes” to, I now know are a) very important to me; and b) I will be able to do the job well. Just today, my law partner (aka my husband ;)) asked me to sign up for another committee, and I said no, because I knew it would be too much to take on. You will love saying no! 🙂 Good for you! xo
So funny about your law partner, Melissa. 🙂 He’s such a slave driver! Ha! Thanks for setting a good example for me!
Saying “no” to one thing/person still means you are saying “yes” to someone else. At least that’s what I tell myself when I allow a little break from some commitments in order to spend time with a friend or my family. 🙂 Enjoy this season and don’t let yourself think for a minute that people won’t like you if you can’t be all things at all times. If someone does have a problem with that? Not your friend. Focus your energy on those who cherish what you give and also lift you up.
You are so right! 🙂 Thank you!
Congratuations – you just decided to take a huge step and it’s one you won’t regret. The only people who have to “understand” is your family and since they’ll be the primary beneficiaries of it, they will jump for joy. My only is at seminary 8 hours away. I don’t regret a minute I spent with him or any of the 100 batches of cutout cookies I made (for every subject he studied in elementary school — need any cookie cutters???). You will be better off (possibly) saying “yes” to someone at the last minute than saying “oh no” because you’re over-committed. Beth Moore’s a gal’s gal, isn’t she?
Good for you! As someone whose “babies” just started school this week, I know how quickly the time flies. I have every minute of their time with me tucked in my heart and I don’t regret a single second. There will always be time for the “extras” down the road!
Erin, This is so, so good. I have a HUGE problem with saying “no.” To the point where I have re-arranged my schedule to accomodate for someone else just to avoid saying “no.” These words were just what I needed, friend. Thank you so much.
Thank you, my sweet friend. Thanks for always inspiring me to be better.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE the photo at the bottom of this post! So sweet!
Thanks for sharing this. I think in a way, I’ve already started to do this. My world feels a little smaller in some ways (no MOPS, no PTC at the kids’ school, no kids activities – at least until fall settles down a bit) but larger in other ways because of the freedom and slower pace of life this type of life affords.
Hope you will stop by my blog later this week – I host an intentional living linky party and it goes live on Thursday. Thanks!
http://theterpblog.blogspot.com/search/label/living%20the%20width/
Hi Katie, Thanks for your comment. I’ll stop by on Thursday!
Love this post Erin! The picture of your boys is absolutely darling too!
Great post! I’m married with children and I still struggle with the same things! I’m so impressed with wives and mothers that do so much. It’s so important to take time for those other things. Junior League use to take up SO much of my time the past two years so I’m excited to take a little time to start my new business and enjoy! You always have great posts Erin!
erin,
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Thank you so much for being transparent and sharing what was on your heart. I think it is fantastic what you are planning to do with your year, and investing in other people through relationships is one of the best “projects” you can have, family or not. So I congratulate you on entering a year of pouring yourself into the people who will most benefit from love and attention!
It is so hard to balance sometimes. We always say that we want to serve but make sure we aren’t taking away from our *little* family. I’m glad you’ll get to do Holiday Market and that will be fun and it’s great to have the wonderful extra time with the fam. Ooh and we’ve been trying to find, and have done a couple, opportunities that we can serve as a family, to get the babies involved with serving too! I always feel like I need to do a better job at that 🙂
Beautiful. I pray you stay strong when you really want to say no. I know it’s hard to follow through sometimes
I so believe this and it’s so hard in our culture. I made the decision a few years ago that I wanted to be a person who has time for people. It’s one of the great things about being a stay at home mom. I can watch a friend’s kid or make food for someone, because I have TIME. I love being that person. But I often struggle with feeling like people will look down on me because I don’t work and I don’t have a huge list of commitments. The busy working moms who are involved in 10 things at church and school laugh at me when I bring a made from scratch dessert to something or a hand made card. I just have to remind myself that I make my decisions for my family and my sanity (and therefore also anyone who has to deal with me)!