I don’t know about you, but I feel like those pesky mommy wars just don’t seem to be going away. And maybe they are actually going away, but people keep bringing up everyone’s differences and getting everyone’s panties in a wad.
The other night I was sorting through my Spam folder in my email account. All of my Baby Center emails go to my Spam folder. These are the ones that generally have me freaked out that Hayes isn’t saying any words and make me wonder if I should have made my boys’ baby food after all. You know, just a little stab of regret.
So those emails go to Spam. But I found them that night and the one for my 3 year old “preschooler”…. first of all, who has a preschooler? Not this girl! I have a sweet little baby toddler named Hudson. No preschoolers live here. Anyway. It was the Baby Center email for Hudson. And one of the links directed me here.
“How can we stay friends with people who have different parenting styles?”
This was for a message board/forum thing. And I won’t even tell you what the question said because I thought it was kind of judgmental and just petty. But, in general, I have considered this before.
With all of the formula/breast feeding, sleep training/no sleep training, co-sleeping/crib sleeping, homeschooling/public school/private school, attachment parenting/non-attachment parenting…. gosh the list just goes on and on. We are constantly reminded how other moms do it differently than we do.
And I’ve found myself in conversations with friends and realized that because we make different parenting decisions I can’t give advice when she’s asking for it. Because I just don’t completely know her situation. And I don’t want my response to sound judgmental.
But maybe all I need to do is listen. Isn’t that all I ever want from my friends? As long as there’s not an agenda or guilt trip involved, it’s nice to learn from other people.
When Hudson was born, I’m confident that I had a “my way or the highway” attitude and could get really defensive if “my way” was questioned. But just like each baby is different, I think as moms we change a bit with each child.
So unless I see a friend who is hurting her child, I absolutely think I can and should stay friends with people who have different parenting styles? Otherwise, how else can I learn?
I may not ever make my own baby food and I may never nurse a child past the six week mark. I’ll probably always have a baby sleeping in a crib from the day they come home from the hospital and I’ll swaddle and do all those things that I do.
Or maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll learn some incredibly valuable information from someone else who does it differently and is perfectly happy.
One thing is for sure. When you become a parent you truly see how different you and your friends are just based on your parenting choices alone. Babies can change everything. But I don’t want them to change my friendships. Because the good Lord knows I need my friends.
I don’t expect my kids to have friends that are all exactly like they are, so I shouldn’t expect the same thing for myself.
How about you? Have you found it difficult to stay friends with people who have different parenting styles?
I’d be lying if I didn’t think I was being judged for my parenting style. I think Mom’s too much compare children and want their’s to be speaking earlier, walking faster, and what not. It’s natural to want our child to be the best but I think we forget that babies and toddler’s all do things at their own pace. No matter HOW much we try to push them to do it earlier/faster.
As long as a parent isn’t harming her child, she can teach him/her however she wishes. Me included! Everyone is different, and there’s nothing wrong with that!
The only issue I’ve run into (and I’ve really only seen it online) is from people who can’t accept that someone does something different from they way that they do. I’ve made several comments to myself, my husband, and my friends about how “next time, I’ll do/won’t do.” I think the best thing we can do for our children is our best. Whether that means adopting one strict parenting style, or merging 10, as long as it works for you and your kids, then it’s perfect!
Me and one of my best friends were pregnant at the same time and she had her baby about 3 weeks before me. So we compared notes on a weekly basis almost because we were both learning how to be mommy’s together. Sure we made a lot of different choices, but we had two totally different babies. Her little girl had acid reflux and my son never spit up a single day. So it all really depends on their child because your child will not be the same as anyone elses. For example she never considered breast feeding and I tried breastfeeding and only got as far as a couple of weeks. I did not judge her for not trying it. She was so worried that her daughter had reflux b/c she did not BF. When I heard her say that I said “no, no, she would have probably had it either way.” I felt bad that she thought she was making the wrong choice. And that is the key….everyone is entitled to their own opinion but don’t try to shove it down someone else’s throat.
I do agree that those baby center emails always get me up in arms. I like your idea of junking them.
It gets a little trickier in the teen years because the issues become bigger and their safety is involved (driving, alcohol), but moms or anyone for that matter should support and not judge friends š
I think some of the judgement is still there but the wars have ceased as my children grow older. I agree with you, we do not have any preschoolers living at our house either. Just a sweet baby toddler named Evie!
I saw a quote somewhere (pinterest?) that said “If all your friends are just like you, then you’re doing it wrong!” I liked it because it is through diversity that we see the beauty of God’s creation!
Love this post Erin! Being a mom is hard enough and so often isolating (especially for new moms!) that friendships feel more valuable than ever. I try to do what’s right for me and what I think is best for my baby and my family. But I have to say when I meet other moms, my fear of being judged often holds me back some. What is so funny, or ironic I guess, is that I am not only afraid they will judge my choices, but I also worry they will think I’m judging them if we do things differently. Seems ridiculous. Despite differing parenting styles, moms just need to feel supported and therefore support each other. Like you said, unless someone is harming their child, our differences should not divide us.
Love this post! The only friends I’d say I’ve had issues with is when it comes to parenting is a few on discipline tactics….now to each there own on this subject especially and I am by no means an expert but I have a few friends that don’t enforce ANY discipline on their child!!!! This WORRIES me and makes me fear for the teen years! However, as far as co-sleeping/breastfeeding/sleep training/formula feeding, etc do what is best for your family!
In San Francisco there’s a huge divide between cry it out moms and attachment parenting moms. I had friends who were on the opposite side of me, but it started to feel like we had major differences in values when we started talking about sleep issues.
I think the real difference is the adult focused parenting (not letting your kids run your lives) and the child based parenting (focusing on your kids). It makes for huge differences socially and just became too hard to manage the relationship.
Man. This is so hard. I HATE it when moms are at each other’s throats. My method of operation with other moms is basically to keep my mouth shut. If I am asked a specific quesiton I will give a loving answer but I will NEVER interject my opinion on another mom. This is how I desire to be treated as well. Bottom line is grace. We all need it and we all need to extend it.
Itās so sad that differing opinions do rip friendships apart sometimes. Iām so grateful that hasnāt happened to me. I have friends with different parenting styles and I havenāt had a problem staying friends with them because I respect their opinion, they respect mine, and thereās no judgment on either side. This is such a blessing. I actually have a very liberal friend who never wants children. The two of us couldnāt be more different in our politics and parenting preferences, but we make each other laugh, we enjoy each otherās company, and we have plenty of things to talk about besides politics or parenting. I enjoy having like-minded friends, but I donāt need an entire like-minded social circle! I just want friends with good hearts. (And you, friend, have a good heart.)
At the end of the day, I think we avoid these wars by simply being quietly confident in the choices we have made. Parents who are overly defensive about their parenting choices (or who really need approval from others) are the ones caught up in the drama. We can avoid it! There isnāt a ārightā way. There’s no such thing as the perfect mother. No one āwins.” One of my favorite bloggers has written a beautiful post about this ā¦ I re-read it as necessary. Enjoy. š http://sarahbessey.com/in-which-i-write-letter-to-you-mama/
I’m not a mom yet, but my group of friends is just starting to have kids. I wonder how that will impact our friendships and I hope that we remember not to take each others’ parenting choices as a reflection on ours, or to judge others for their choices. This is a good reminder that we are all just doing our best and it’s always a good idea to be loving and supportive of one another.
I agree. We are all different do our styles are different.
My son is one month older than Hayes and he doesn’t say anything besides dada. So don’t worry…your child is not alone. š
It seems like the differences don’t seem so great as the kids get older. Maybe we parents begin to mellow a bit. Of course, we are about to hit those teenage years someone has already posted about, so things may change for us….
The one thing I can not tolerate (also already posted about ) is parents who make no attempt to discipline. Over the past year, my husband and I have deliberately, but as tactfully as possible, faded out of the lives of friends who do not discipline their child. We have tried to be as understanding and patient as possible with this child, as we feel there is more going on than a lack of discipline (I work in special education and some red flags have gone up), but we could not tolerate this child becoming physical with our children.
Your post resonated with me because just before I read it, I was out running errands and ran into the mother of this child, who spoke to me when she saw me, but just barely. While this may go beyond the typical mommy war issues, I think it is a type of situation all too common for parents.
Why does parenthood have to be so divisive? The only “parenting style” I might have a problem with would be one that would allow their kids to be horribly disrespectful or destructive in my home. Other than that, it’s up to them. I think most moms and dads are doing the best they know how and how could I ever fault them for that?
There was a woman I worked with who had two girls – ages 16 and around 20 – who could NOT sleep without full light in their bedrooms due to night terrors. She was questioning whether or not it was caused by the co-sleeping she did with them until they were (can you believe it?) about TWELVE years old! (Yeah, I know – amazing that she ever got pregnant with the 2nd one!) Now this seemed odd to me, but of course I just listened to her and realized that she truly did what she thought was right for those girls. I think moms go through enough self-doubt without other people adding to it.
To me that question is more relevant to how you discipline your child and those who insist on pushing their opinions on child rearing on ohers, not all the differences in how you do things the first yr or so. My wise sister in law once told me that your friends do change as you have kids bc your parenting styles are different. Maybe your friends all have the basics ( discipline, mutual respect as parents) in common, but I have/had friends who either seriuosly judge me for not doing things the way they do or just don’t discipline. And I definitely don’t want my sweet 4 yr old exposed to that. ( most of these friends who do this are old friends I have had a long time and we are just different people now((but still care about each other)) so I try to make any get togethers adult ones, and leave my kids out of it.
This comment probably defeats the purpose of this post-but making baby food I find is waaaay easier than buying it! I just throw whatever fruits/veggies/beans I have in the house and puree it in the Baby Bullet-it takes about 2 minutes and is way cheaper! I know it seems so daunting..but I find it so much easier! š
I agree Erin, although the differences can make sharing advice difficult, it is the only way we can learn from each other!
This is a really great post – thank you. I have been thinking of how it also applies to friends who have different political views. These differences have never bothered me – in fact I welcome them for the same reason you do – how can we learn if we don’t listen to others opinions? Thanks for posting!
As I enter the stage where my friends are all popping out babies, I’ve been asked a lot of questions and have received a lot of judgemental stares (you use cloth diapers???). I try and try to not judge back. I want to be my friends biggest cheerleader. I know we all need the most support we can get. We all need to be told “you’re doing just fine.”
At the same time though, I know certain friendships will change. Some things may be too different and a natural separation may form. It’s hard to lose friends but I struggle with exposing my child to a parenting style I don’t agree with. There are certain thing that are non negotiables.
Honestly, I try and find other things besides how I sleep-train my children to connect with my friends. I mean, really, when our kids are 5, we’re going to need something else to talk about! And I doubt it will be whether or not we breast-fed our children!
I am WAY past the stage where I am concerned with parenting styles – since I am a grandmother of 2 (7 yr. old girl and 4 yr. old boy who is physically and verbally behind, but cognitively fine). I’m only really concerned with the parenting styles of my son and daughter-in-law – and even if I question some things occasionally, I know to keep my mouth shut. That’s also good advice to friends whos’ styles differ – unless there is danger or destruction involved.
I am confused as to what the problem is with the term “preschooler”? It’s just a term that is used to describe a child who is younger than school age! We don’t have to get into the much larger issue of day care or preschool or stay-at-home moms or anything like that, but I think you are jumping to conclusions and displaying some of the tendancies you say you want to avoid when you take offense to that term.
Life would be super boring if we were all the same.