Back in 2008, I was a young, carefree newlywed of about five months. I was sitting at my desk at work one day and I found myself on the verge of tears. For no real reason.
I can remember telling my coworker that I just felt “off” and that I thought I might burst into tears but I had no idea why. I decided to go home at lunch and take the rest of the day off work. On my way home, a thought crossed my mind. I was late. You know, “late” late. But there was just no way I could possibly be pregnant.
But then again, I knew I felt “off” and strangely emotional. So I ran to the drugstore on the way home and bought a few pregnancy tests. I had never even bought a pregnancy test before. I rushed home, took the test, and about twenty seconds later, the word “pregnant” showed up. (I get those digital tests so I can’t be at all confused.)
And I sank to the floor in the bathroom and cried. I laughed a little, too, while I cried. But there were a lot of tears. I was happy, scared, shocked, and nervous to tell Todd and our families.
Over the next few months, I’d cry at the drop of a hat. I cried if I was tired and I cried if I was mad. I cried if someone looked at me the wrong way or if I even so much as imagined what my baby’s face might look like. The only way I knew how to express emotion (any emotion) during my pregnancy was through tears.
After Hudson was born, I found that this expression of emotion was even worse. I hear stories told in Sunday school by some friends and start crying before they can finish two sentences. I watch coffee commercials or grocery store commercials about family members coming home for the holidays and just weep.
Motherhood changed me. I was an emotional person before (I cried during the Westminster Kennel Club dog show as a child because I thought the basset hound “looked sad” and it made me sad) but something about the overwhelming love for another little person–or two little people–has just softened my heart and made it so hard for me to go five seconds without thinking about them. Every little thing reminds me of how much I love them.
Fortunately, the really intense emotions started during pregnancy, so I wasn’t completely shocked when Hudson was born. I would sing to him while I rocked him to sleep, and after about four lines of “You Are My Sunshine,” I was weeping and having to wipe my tears off of my baby’s head. Cuckoo? Definitely. Overwhelmed by love? Without a doubt.
What kind of emotions did you experience during pregnancy and during that precious newborn time?
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