The week before we came to visit my parents was a tough one. We’d just gotten over hand, foot and mouth and we were trying to find a good mix of spending time outside, but not over heating and collapsing from heat stroke.
Hudson stopped napping. Hayes is constantly on the move. We had a couple of house showings, which is really a good thing, but it just throws a kink in the plans. Todd was having incredibly busy days at work, which means he either comes home at a decent time and works all night or he just comes home really late.
I promise I didn’t write this post just to complain. Bear with me.
One particularly tough day, Todd surprised me and came home early while the boys were still napping. We were sitting down just catching up on the day and I just hugged him and started to cry. I was so tired. And overwhelmed. And really just feeling like I was failing my kids.
Hudson was acting out because he wasn’t getting to run and jump and go wild outside because it was too hot. And Hayes is still not really saying any words other than the occasional babble. So when I sit down with him to do some fun basic word flash cards or read him books, Hudson is all up in my lap and in his face answering any questions for Hayes.
I spend so much of the day correcting Hudson for not sharing and for screaming at his brother when Hayes gets too close to his toys.
And there was just this big moment where I felt like I couldn’t do anything for either of them without completely losing my patience and becoming “scary mommy.” And scary mommy is just not the way I want to be.
So I’m hugging Todd and wiping away my tears and he says, “Don’t get mad when I say this, but would you be happier if you went back to work?”
And I had no idea how to answer. I don’t think there is an answer. I have no idea if I’d be happier. But even having to use the word “happier” implies that I’m not happy. And I am so happy.
But the days are hard. They just are. I love my boys so much, but there are days when I feel helpless.
Going back to work is not in the plans. But I’m trying to give myself some grace. When I lose my patience because I’ve heard “Mommy, mommy, mommy” way too many times in one day, I wonder what I need to do.
And then we got away. We escaped to my parents’ house for a change of scenery. For some quality time during the day with my mom and fun in the evening with my dad. Of course we have missed Todd more than words can even express, but a change of scenery was exactly what we all needed.
I successfully potty-trained Hudson. And if that didn’t redeem me from “scary mommy” I don’t know what would. I am incredibly excited about Hudson’s achievement. Both of my boys had lots of one-on-one attention and it was just a great couple of weeks.
And now we are recharged and ready to get back home. When I was picking up their toys and getting my parents’ house back in order, I felt a little sad. Mostly sad for my mom and dad. Their house will be really quiet again. And in some ways I know they are looking forward to the normalcy and quiet, but I also know they’ll miss those funny giggles and constant jabbering.
This also gives me some good perspective. My days may be long and some days I can’t wait for Todd to get home. Our house may be chaotic, loud, and messy. But what’s so bad about a little mess? And is chaos really all that bad when the ones making all the noise are super cute?
I’m heading back home and “scary mommy” is a long way behind us in the rear view mirror.
Hi Erin,
In this moment, I am having exactly the same thoughts. I have 2 daughters – a two year old and an 8 month old. The two year old is well….two….and moves straight from creating one disaster to the next. Lately she is locking/unlocking doors and constantly breaking things and I am struggling to have patience and endurance. The 8 month old is not the most patient and doesn’t really like sharing me with her sibling. Her needs are quite different from her sister’s so I find myself struggling to keep balance in taking care of them and keeping them happy. They really are the sweetest girls and I feel so blessed to have them, but life is just well…difficult these days….and like you said days are hard. For me the summer months are particularly hard because we too must stay inside to avoid the intense heat and mosquitoes! My husband is particularly busy these days working hard to take care of his family. He is on his third business trip in three weeks, and tends to work past 7:30 pm on most days when he is home. I was just talking to my friend today (a fellow SAHM) about how it is not really that I am unsatisfied being at home with the kids. It is just a really, hard tiring job. We feel like we are not really allowed to complain about it and breaks are few and far between. Anyways, I totally get what you are saying because I was thinking the exact same thing today.
Hi Cindy! Bless you. I know exactly where you’re coming from. And we do try hard not to just vent and complain, but it’s like a bad day at work and it’s physically exhausting sometimes. I get it. For me, it helps to know that it’s normal when I talk to girlfriends going through the same things or read blogs and hear similar stories. It just helps to know that other moms have the same or similar struggles and we’re all just trying to make it to tomorrow.
Erin, great to see your reply! I can also see that you’re like me in that you are staying up late because that is the only “ME” time you get! 🙂 Good night and best wishes!
I’m really glad you’re feeling better! And that you’re coming home soon 🙂
Excited to see you soon!!
Thank you for this post! I needed to hear that other people feel this way! You’re doing a great job and your kids are unbelievably lucky to have you (even if scary mommy comes out sometimes! ha!)!!
Sweet Erin, this is such a season. While I am not a mother (though very much looking forward to it someday!), the biggest lesson I’ve learned in life is to be gentle to yourself. We have to cut ourselves some slack first!
And I completely understand the feeling of being surrounded by love and blessings and yet still feeling guilty for being frustrated or tired or stressed. You don’t need me to say this because it’s obvious that you know this with every fiber of your being, but lean on God, your husband, your family and your girlfriends. They will carry you on the days and hours where patience is low and emotions are high. And when your boys are grown you will look back on all of this fondly. You are not alone in this.
XO
p.s. Congratulations on surviving potty training! If that’s not a gold star next to your name, I do not know what is! It must be such a relief. 🙂
I know exactly how you are feeling, but kind of from the other side of things. I have 3 young children and I have to work full-time. It’s just not an option for me to stay at home with my kids right now. I have spent so much time worrrying and feeling guilty about the fact that I have to work. I worry that I’m scarring them for life by not being home with them. I feel guilty when I have to miss things – for instance, my daughter is going to gymnastics day camp today and I can’t be the one to take her there. When I’m home I worry if I’ve spent too much time doing “other” things like cleaning the house. I feel like when I’m home I should focus all of my time and attention on them since I’m not home with them during the day. But then I feel guilty that I’m not giving enough time to my husband or to making sure the house is clean or to myself. I feel super guilty when I’m “scary mommy” because I don’t want to be that mom when I’m with them. It’s really hard to balance everything when you’re a mom, whether you stay at home or work. However, I also know that I am really happy with my life. I get frustrated at times and think I may be happier if I were able to stay at home but who knows, maybe I wouldn’t? I have a great job that I love and my kids are happy. I guess my point is that no matter what you do there is always something to feel guilt over or feel like we aren’t good enough for our kids. I am really trying to learn how to cut myself a break sometimes. I have no doubt that my kids know they are loved and that is really the most important thing.
Amy,
I could have written your response. I have decided that being a mom is the hardest job and while the most rewarding, it is sometimes hard to see the rewards while in the middle of the struggle. I look around my house in the evening and shudder because it’s not really even presentable (not dirty, just not picked up) if someone were to show up unexpected. After being out of my house for commute/work from 6:45 a.m. until 5:30 p.m., the evenings are spent trying to feed the kids something halfway decent, playing, baths, bedtime snuggles, etc. Once they finally go to sleep by 8:30 p.m., I am spent and I feel like my poor husband, house and myself are all missing out on things. When I really start getting down about this, I try to remember this is just a season and that I will miss this stage (at least parts) when we move to the next one. My kids are 3 1/2 and 1 and while I lose my patience at times, I know that they know I love them and will drop most anything to play with & love on them.
I go through this every tax season, when Marcus (CPA) is working long and hard for our family. Grace is exactly what you need to give yourself, b/c He gives it to us each day, through our faith. Lifting you up!
I feel like you wrote these words straight from my heart. I have been struggling with these same issues. I only have one child, though, which makes me feel like even more of a failure. My husband and I are hoping to start trying for our second child very soon, so going back to work at this point is not really an option. I love being at home, don’t get me wrong, it’s just that some days are exhausting and emotionally draining. Thanks for posting!
Thank you so much for the honesty in your posts. We are still adjusting to life with a 4-month-old and 3-year-old. I really struggle with the unpredictability of a newborn, and each time I get frustrated with short, frequent naps, I get angry with myself because I should just be grateful that he wasn’t born at 30 weeks like we thought could happen. My daughter follows my every step and calls Mommy thousands of times a day, and I’m frustrated when it aggravates me because I’m just so in love with her. Patience is low these days, especially with myself because I feel like I should be able to handle it better. We are vacationing on the Outer Banks of NC now with my parents, and a change of scenery and extra hands has helped us also. While I know this is a short season, it helps so much to hear that others struggle with similar yet different issues, and that their not afraid to admit it.
Reason number 80000000 to love reading blogs. You realize you’re not alone. I only have one but he is demanding. And even though I spend hours (literally) trying to teach him the art of waiting and patience he still manages to have a fit when he has to wait. Plus it’s hot and we’re stuck inside a lot. Just normal stuff that makes you want to pull your hair out.
Erin: I read your blog daily and so admire your dedication to your family in raising healthy, happy children. Good job. I heard recently that being creative can alieviate some stress. And I have only to offer is trade off play dates for Hudson, go to the library (some have story time for toddlers), and/or have the children (Hayes maybe too young) help around the house doing little tasks!
Anyway, glad you were able to get a break with your family.
You’re not alone in these feelings Erin 🙂 I only have one little guy and I feel it too. Thank you for sharing–it makes us all feel good knowing we have similar experiences each day.
Hi Erin,
I am praying for you to have peace and joy with your children even when they just annoy the heck out of you. There I said it. Annoyed! This is how I feel about being home with my daughter sometimes too. And you know what? I think it’s ok to be annoyed and angry and exhausted sometimes. Sometimes little kids are annoying and exasperating and exhausiting! Feeling that way doesn’t make you a bad mom or a bad Christian, it makes you human. I don’t think God asks us to be Pollyana 24/7, even about our kids. He knows our hearts. He knows we love them and are trying to raise them in His light and would do anything for them. But he knows that sometimes we just reach the end of our ropes, and need to have a cry.
On a random note, once I asked my mom what she would do differently about parenting if she had the chance. And she said — I was really surprised by this — that she would let herself show anger to her children more. She said she never felt like she had the right to show my sister and I that things we did hurt her feelings or made her feel disrespected, and she wished she’d shown us that she was a person with feelings as well — feelings that were deserving of our consideration and respect. I thought that was so interesting, and I wonder if that might give you some comfort her as well.
Sorry this is so rambling, but it really got me thinking. Thank you so much for the post and sharing your journey. I really benefit from reading your blog and seeing how an honest, intelligent, Christian mom sees things!
Jessica R.
Thanks for being so honest, Erin. Like someone else said, I don’t think being a mom is an easy job for any of us, stay-at-home or go-to-the-office every day. It’s just a tough job. I’m a single mom and have to work full-time. As someone else mentioned, there’s a fair amount of guilt I feel in not being able to be with my daughter as I would if I stayed at home with her. Like your Hudson and Hayes, my daughter also has her “moments” where she pushes my buttons and I am certain she’s trying to drive me crazy. Our house is not as clean as I’d ideally like, etc. etc. etc. I hear everything you’re saying. I read a quote in a magazine in a while back from Cindy Crawford who had this to say about motherhood: “Life is where you are. Whatever you’re doing is enough. You don’t need to do everything well all the time. Just be your best self. When you start living that way, it’s a huge relief.” I liked it so much . . . especially the part about just trying to be your best self . . . that I cut it out and carry it in my wallet.
Erin, I am so glad you and the boys were able to visit your parents and get recharged, and a BIG congrats to you on getting Hudson potty trained. I have a 2 1/2 (32months) year old son who I have tried to potty train on 3 separate occasions unsuccessfully, so I hope you will do a post on your success with Hudson.
Love your honesty & perspective! You are a wonderful mommy 🙂
Listen – take this for what’s it’s worth because I’m neither a mother, nor a stay-at-home-mother….but the one thing that my mom friends seems to forget is that EVERYONE deserves a day off now and then. Jobs are hard – whether it’s raising children or being in an office all day, and the human mind needs a break or we’ll all go crazy. That being said, I think you are being way too hard on yourself and I think you’re a wonderful mom – but don’t forget that everyone needs a “mental health day” now and then. Just because your home is your office doesn’t mean it should have a vacation policy. I love your honest as always and I hope all is well!!!!
Oops – please replace “should” with “shouldn’t” above – “doesn’t mean it shouldn’t have a vacation policy.” Sorry!
Oh, Erin. I love reading this because it reminds me that I’m not the only one in tears some days because I’m not sure I’m doing things right and at the same time I hate reading this because I reminds me that this is just the way it is and some days are hard… for all of us. I sent Gavin to his room bawling the other night with a spanking and had to go out and sit on my front porch and cry for a few minutes. I was mad that I got so mad at him, and I just didn’t know how else to “escape”. What helps is the reminder that I am the best Mom for my child. No one else can be a better Mom to Hudson and Hayes than you can. You are the best Mom those boys have. Some day they’ll love you so much for everything you are doing now. Hugs to you! http://www.jenningsbaby.blogspot.com
Thank you for always staying honest in your posts. They really make me wish we could be friends in real life hehe! Keep doing great things with your boys!
Hey girl! I am a boy Mommy too with a 3 1/2 year old and a 10 month old. My 3 year old JUST became potty trained about two weeks ago (not for my lack of trying) and I feel like “scary mommy” way too often than not these days. I have a very “spirited” child and he never lets a day go by without challenging me! I feel like all I do most days is keep him from knocking down his brother and taking toys away! So many times I wonder “am I a good mom? am I doing the right thing?” It’s hard. My husband asked me if I wanted to go back to work and I knew the answer. It doesn’t matter how bad my day is, there is no where else I would rather be than with my boys. I love that I don’t miss a thing and I get to teach them everything! It sure is nice to know that I am not alone! Hang in there!
This is just what I needed to read today. I am a teacher with twin, two year-old boys and always feel I have the best of both worlds because I love my job but treasure my summers home with the boys. I have loved your posts on being a “mom of boys” and feel the same way. We just got back from our change of scenery visiting my parents, and we have now been tested the past few days. I hate feeling like I am correcting all the time and really want to savor my summer days with them because I know I will wish for more once I go back to school.
On the recommendation of my sister, I ordered a book 1-2-3 Magic that she said changed her thoughts on discipline. Fate (or the gods at Amazon) must have known that I’ve had a rough day because it came the next day. I’m hoping it helps.
Thank you for your eloquent posts on the motherhood, they often come just when I need them.
Great post Erin. I think sometimes life gets a bit hard and we all start to wonder if we’re doing what we’re supposed to be doing. However, you know that being with your boys is right for y’all right now. It’s the devil putting little seeds of doubt in there. He’s been getting me lately too. This parenting thing can be so trying but like you said, sometimes it’s as simple as a change in scenery to just revive you all and give everyone a break. I’m so glad this trip has done that for you three 😉