I was recently asked by Courtney DeFeo , “What surprised you most about motherhood?”
I thought it was an interesting question. It took me a while to think of my answer.
There have been so many things that have surprised me about motherhood and parenting. I am surprised on a daily basis. There are very few things that are actually predictable.
And then it hit me.
Before Hudson was born, I was protective. I think I was mostly protective of myself and my time with him. So many people were eager to meet him and hold him, and all I could think of was how much I wanted to keep him all to myself and with TC. And I didn’t want to ask for help. I was determined to not need help.
I refused help, and was just determined to get it all done myself. Not the smartest plan, really.
Because while that may have worked alright with just Hudson around, it certainly wasn’t going to last much longer when we found out we were pregnant with Hayes.
So what has surprised me about motherhood?
I need help.
I need help and I need wisdom. I need advice and I need support. I need it from the new moms, the experienced moms, and the women who just love my children and love me.
It takes a village to raise a child, right? It doesn’t take a martyr mom who is overtired and bitter because she refuses to accept help.
I need the wisdom, council, love, prayers, and extra hands from the women I love. Some of them have ideas and they’ve been there. Some of them have a sweet smile and comforting hug to offer when things are tough. And some of them have extra hands and lots of energy when I need to get out and run errands.
My boys have amazing grandmothers who would drop anything for them or for TC and me. We have an incredible babysitter who is like family to us now. I have supportive friends who hold my kids and comfort them if they fall down and I’m not there. We have a support system who has loved on us and brought meals or sat with one child when the other had to be rushed to the doctor.
So I think that’s what surprised me most about motherhood. I thought I could be supermom. But I can’t. Supermom, to me, is made up of about 20 other women in our lives and they are the ones that help me keep it together.
God bless them all.
What has surprised you the most about motherhood?
I knew I’d be tired, but I didn’t know HOW tired I’d be. That was the biggest shock of all to me.
We are expat’s living in another country. No family, no close friends to help out. It was really tough. We have a great church group but they’ve told me that in this country you have to ask for help. They want to help but they won’t do it unless you ask. I’ll be asking on my 2nd! I could have really used some help. Even if it was just a friendly face stopping by to tell me I was doing a good job.
I follow your blog regularly and admire your abilities as a mother, wife and friend.. I just wanted to comment and say thank you for this post.. it is sometimes incredibly hard as a first time mother to admit that you need help and like you say, once number 2 comes along you have no choice but to accept help. Thank you for highlighting that accepting help does not make you any less of a good mother and actually sometimes it makes you a better one!
Jade
this is what scares me about parenting a newborn. i’m a control freak and like things ‘just so’. i take comfort in household routines. i live to do launry, tidy up and clean. i know…i’m weird. as i putter around our new home doing all this, i remind myself that if we are blessed with a baby, i’m going to have to dial (a) down my expectations , (b) ask for help and (c) give up control of HOW that help comes. for example = if the goal is clean laundry, so what if they don’t do my specific system or fold things like i do? i consider practicing (asking my husband to do some household tasks now…before i need help….and being okay with how he does them), but the idea makes me itchy with anxiety. for now, because it’s already a stressful time, i’m allowing myself to have control over this ONE thing – the house. since i essentially have control over nothing else in my life…lol!
as you know, i’m the stepmother to a 9 year old – but it’s new to me, so i’m gonna jump in and answer your question based on my situation. it has surprised me most how much i influence the life of the child in my care. intentionally or not, i model behavior for my stepdaughter. always. every day. whether i intend to be “on” or not. right now i’m going through a difficult time (her mother/my husband’s ex-wife has created a lot of drama for us recently). the challenge for me is how to stay positive and loving when i’m feeling down and insecure. and angry. and disappointed. and discouraged. i know that how i handle stress will impact how my stepdaughter does. it feels like an enormous responsibility right now. i guess what i’m trying to say is that i’d like to be alone to sort through my feelings and then rejoin the world when i’m feeling more balanced and secure, but i no longer have that luxury. i’m scared that my desire to withrdraw impacts her negatively (or worse, teaches her to behave the same way).
oh well. she’s not with us today – so for today, i’m going to withraw into my little world. off to finish folding the 6 loads of laundry i did yesterday and go mop the kitchen floor before my husband wakes up and my me time is over.
have a wonderful weekend erin!
That sometimes you can’t do it all.
I had big plans that our kids would be playing sports, be stellar athletes, great students, we’d go to cookouts w/ our friends…and their kids would be friends with our kids, that they’d be great in church….
Not the case…
We can’t do it all…but we do what is best for our family
Love this post!
Great post today!
What has surprised me most about motherhood is how I can love this wild toddler! There are times he makes me so frustrated but then I look at him and my heart melts.
I am still always surprised by how when Hudson isn’t around I miss our routine and hurry back to him as soon as I can!
I agree with you that we all need help, being a parent who doesn’t live near my parents or inlaws this is especially important! Having other women that you can count on is very important.
I was the same way. We brought my son home weighing 4.5 lbs because he was 5 weeks early. I had had an emergency c-section. He had to eat every 1.5 hrs around the clock and we had to record amts. It was impossible to get him to take more than an ounce at a time. And I wanted to do it all myself. I thought it was my job. But after three weeks I was on the verge of a total breakdown and I realized, I needed help! That surprised me, but I know now it’s ok. I was also surprised that I wasn’t madly in love with my child 24 hrs a day 7 days a week. And then I realized, it’s all normal. 🙂
That’s a great question and I had to think about it a while, too. I have to say that one of the things that has surprised me most about motherhood is the amount of guilt and competition that come with the territory. Definitely not a good surprise, and one I wish didn’t exist. Thank goodness I have some true, honest-to-goodness mom friends that help cancel out all of the negative!
I think for me one of the biggest things that surprised me with motherhood was being able to give each child the right amount of individual time and love. Of course you want to show your love and affection towards each child but you also want to be ale to teach them life lessons, things that are valuable that they can use throughout life as situations arise. I have two boys and a girl. Madison is 5, Shawn is 3 and Jacob is 9months. I am 32 years old and there is so much that I am learning myself so it freaks me out that God entrusted me to be able to teach three individuals about life. It blows my mind. But I have learned that no matter what you can always count on him for guidance through the good and the bad. I get to play with dolls and dump trucks lol. But at the end of the day I sometimes wonder if I spent enough time with each child.
Great question. Since having my 2nd son, the biggest surprise for me is the lack of time for myself. And i am not talking about a get-away, I am talking about 30 minutes to just take a bath. I had pretty high demanding professional jobs before I had children, so I thought having kids was going to be easier. Then I had two, and getting 30 minutes just to check email or watch a tv show seemed impossible. I love being a mom, but I didn’t realize how it takes almost 24 hours of every day. I enjoy most of it, but sometimes, I just need time to reenergize so I can make it through another day and it is hard to get those moments lately. It is getting easier as our 2nd gets a bit older :).
I was surprised the most at how quickly it came to me to do what was needed to be a mother. For the longest time, I always would say “I’m SOOOO not mother material” and similar sentiments.
Then, it seems like, the moment Andrew was born, I completed turned around and my instinct kicked in. I never knew that was possible.
Or, the fact that I love someone/something THAT much. I mean, people say you have that feeling, but I never knew quite this feeling. it’s amazing.
There are so many surprises about motherhood, I don’t know that I even know where to start.
I think I’m surprised that it didn’t just come overnight for me. I expected to fall madly in love with my baby (which I was) but I felt so guilty because he would cry and cry and cry and it’d get on my nerves. I never expected to think will he please just shut up for five minutes???
My boy is 8 months and I still feel like I’m on that new mom high. I want to do every thing for him myself and when he finally goes to be at night after some loooong days( you know the ones..) I miss him after a few hours. I can’t imagine him being a toddler though I love this baby stage sooo much ! I’m scared to ever have another because I know he or she would get less attention and I think that is what would drive me to be crazy tired and resentful of my husband who would get to escape the madness (for work but still.. )
I’m most surprised by my patience. I am/was the most impatient person in the whole world. Why wait on someone else to do something when I can just do it myself?? I’m constantly amazed at how long I will just stand there while my determined three-year old takes forever to put on her shoes, or pick up her toys, etc.
Guilt. I second that. I always feel like I “should be” doing something better, with more love, etc. It is SO cathartic to read this post and all the comments and know other moms feel similar!
Thank You!!!!
Thank you for this post. I think it’s important for new moms to know that it’s perfectly okay to ask for help, or to hire a mother’s helper or babysitter if only once a week to give you a second to take that shower, or go to the grocery store alone, workout, etc. It took me a long time to realize that this is okay and doesn’t mean I don’t love my daughter. It’s made me a better mother actually and she LOVES it when her sitter comes over. It changes the pace of the day and is a new face and new energy. It’s great for everyone!
Well, I just started crying in the post office because the lady said that she didn’t have any tape. This came after 3 hours of wrangling my toddler through errands that we needed to run. We had another meltdown in the parking lot over holding hands, and I made it to the car before I really started sobbing. I sat there, completely beside myself, because for the LIFE of me, I can’t imagine doing this with two kids… and come September, that’s exactly what I’m going to be doing.
I think that’s one of the things that has surprised me the most about motherhood. It’s that I used to feel like I was this strong, independent, capable woman… and now, well…. some days, I feel no more capable for this job than my toddler.
But, that’s just today. If you asked me this question tomorrow, when Zoe is laughing hysterically just because it’s fun to laugh, I would tell you that the most surprising thing about motherhood is the amount of tangible love you can feel for another human.
I find myself really relating to your needing help, but I’m trying to think what first comes to my mind when I think about what surprised me most about motherhood. I think for me it would have to be that they are their own little people and they will do things on their own schedule. Before I was a mom I thought that nurture was a big part of how children acheived, so if kids weren’t walking/talking, whatever I really thought the parents had something to do with that (so judgmental I know, but true.) I see so much how God makes them with their own personalities and predispositions. My boys are both so different but have been cared for in very much the same manner.
As far as the help thing I often get down on myself when I see other women “doing it all” as far as taking on volunteer and entrepreneurial opportunities or even things like crafting or making meals every night of the week. But I think some get help from family or otherwise and just don’t really disclose that. Not that they are trying to hide it, but they are just used to relying on their community of supporters. We don’t have any family nearby so we have had to be very self-sufficient. My husband is my biggest supporter (obviously since he just let me go on vacay for a week and kept the boys on his own) but we are also learning to find sitters and things so we have time for us.
i was surprised that i could do it and do it well. yeah i need help, but i was almost expecting to fail miserably. i didn’t have a great mothering example growing up and kind of thought i would end up being just like her. that and my mother would keep telling me (while i was pregnant) all the ways that she didn’t think i was ready to be a mom. she was convinced i could never change a dirty diaper. i don’t know who she thinks i am, but she has no clue.
I think it takes a Twitter to raise a child 🙂 I wish I had known about the amazing network of moms when Tyler was a newborn. I have this odd sense of comfort going into the birth of #2 knowing there’s this community of moms who have been through all of it and most of all – love to help out with sharing their experiences. Sometimes a real-life mom’s story helps so much more than the call back from the Pediatrician.
hi erin, i’ve been reading your blog for awhile now but haven’t commented. i enjoy your posts so much! this one touched me a lot today! i started to tear up when i read the last part about being supermom. what a touching post. i agree 100%. anyway, i am mom to two sweet boys about the same ages as yours. 2 and a half and 10 months. What surprised me most about motherhood was the lack of sleep!!! i had no clue that little babies didn’t actually sleep for hours on end at night 🙂 they had to be taught that too! i’m a girl who loves her some beauty rest 🙂 but….seriously, becoming a mother has taught me to lean on other moms and the support network of family and friends to get through the early days of sleepless nights…and everything else! thanks for sharing another great post! -kimmy
i checked back in to read more comments and i *had*to comment again to let you know how helpful it is to know that bio moms feel guilt, too. i thought stepmoms had cornered the market on that 🙂
It surprised me how much I LOVE THEM… I had not idea I could love another person so much. Guess I was pretty selfish before. 🙂
Whew….I’m glad I’m not the only one! And, as a mom on only one child, and 10 months, I’m just now getting to the point where I realize that I need help. I completely understand about being jealous of time with your child….that was me (and still is a little). I’ve realized that if I try to spend every waking moment with him, I’ll completely wear myself out.
Thanks for reminding me that “it takes a village”. I’m no supermom, myself….although my personality wants to try. Very refreshing post. Thanks!