How do you show your kids you love them and think they’re wonderful without helping them grow up to be entitled and self-important?
I want my boys to know the value of a strong work ethic, but I also want them to know just how much I love them. I want my words and my actions to leave them without a doubt that I think they’re the greatest little people (and eventually big people) in the world.
Is it so wrong to grow up knowing that your parents think you’re the great person to walk the planet?
My friend, Crist, and I were discussing this the other day. Confidence goes a long way. And we all struggle with confidence, insecurity, and self esteem for very different reasons. As I’ve gotten older, I’m insecure about completely different things than I was before I had kids.
I was watching the news on Sunday morning and someone was being interviewed about raising kids to be entitled and what we can do about it. How do we build up their self esteem without raising a bunch of people that no one wants to work with or live with?
This guy suggested praising your kids for their accomplishments and achievements rather than their characteristics. And, I have to say that I disagree with him here a bit. I totally agree that accomplishments and achievements should be praised. But girls just need to be told they’re pretty. Period. If your mother can’t tell you that you’re pretty, who will?
If my kids are just generally kind and polite, I want to praise them for being kind and polite. If they look handsome and adorable, I want to tell them that I think they look handsome and adorable.
In my opinion, another key thing here is making sure to give them constructive criticism and discipline when it’s needed. They certainly don’t need to grow up thinking they’re perfect. But knowing that they’re loved? Is so important to me. Knowing that someone thinks they’re amazing and deserving of success? Also important to me.
Knowing they need to work hard to succeed no matter what they decide to be someday? Invaluable. But knowing that they can always come to us for advice and support is equally important to me.
I don’t want to raise entitled kids. But I also don’t want to raise bitter kids. I don’t want my kids to be resentful because they feel like they weren’t praised enough. I don’t want them to look at other people who are successful and be so obviously jealous that it’s impossible to be around them.
My prayer is that I can find a balance in raising them to be confident, but humble. Gracious and kind. Proud of their successes and ready to work hard to correct their failures.
But, more than anything, I want them to know that their worth comes from God alone. They won’t find it in a girlfriend. They won’t find it in Todd or me. They won’t find it in sports or good grades. Those things will all help them feel good and have confidence, but they shouldn’t define them.
What do you think? How do we find that balance of showing them that we think they’re fantastic without turning them into entitled adults?
2 Timothy 2:1
You then, my son, be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus.
Well said Erin! I think you’re doing an amazing job of making your boys feel loved, secure, disciplined, with just enough boundaries in a Christian setting. I look at Ryder and Brynley and pray these things for them, but it’s true that w girls I always want her to hear she’s pretty. Of course I dote on Ryder too and tell him how handsome he looks, but especially hearing this affirmation for girls is important early on.
I think the best way to raise our children knowing these characteristics is by leading by example. I came from a verbal home always getting praise, where my husband didn’t, his Mom showed tough love even though she showed love in her own way, by gifts. I think it shows in our characteristics today but I’m glad to hear my husband has learned from me to be vocal about affirmation and telling our kids how proud or disappointed when they misbehave or pretty or handsome they are, depending on the situation.
Sorry for rambling but I love this 🙂 will have to remember this Bible verse
Laura
I’m commenting only from my experience from my parents, since I’m not a parent quite yet {I will be in November, though}
I think it is a fine line, but as parent’s, I definitely agree with complimenting your children based on their characteristics as well as accomplishments! You don’t want your children to only find worth in their accomplishments..they need to find their worth in just who the Lord made them to be. God doesn’t love us because I made an A on the test, he loves me because of who I am and He made me. I am precious to Him regardless of anything I will ever do. So compliment away! Build up that encouragement & self esteem! Let them know their worth in the Lord & that will give them all the foundation they need in how they look at themselves. If they know where they stand with their parents & God, they will be able to know the truth about themselves regardless about what others may say about them. I wish I had learned this.
And Entitlement should not confused with confidence & self esteem. Avoid entitlement by giving your kids chores, making them participate in charity, making them get a job as a teenager, making them save up their own money so they can buy things/toys they want. Talk about & pray for those who are less fortunate. Raise them to be a servant. Read all the stories in the bible where the Lord served! Especially when He washed the disciples feet.
I truly believe that encouraging a child in confidence & self-esteem APART from their accomplishment {and even their behavior} is not the same as entitlement. Entitlement stems from a lack of discipline and a lack of gratitude for what you have and ignorance of hard work.
Erin, I am sure you are doing a great job at both of these!
Totally agree with you on this one. And I think that adding good, consistent discipline with the praise is what makes them confident but still hard workers. If they know the difference between right and wrong AND that they know they are, in our opinions, the best people we know, I think that is a recipe for a great future. 🙂 Keep doing what you’re doing, momma! Love seeing your updates on your sweet boys!
I agree, Erin! I think you do need to praise kids for WHO they are, not just what they do. In fact, I would argue that praising primarily accomplishments, etc., can create someone who is worried about performance to please people. I think this can be especially dangerous for kids who grow up in Christian homes. Even though we preach grace and not works to them, if our pleasure with them is based on actions, they will learn to please man with works, and ultimately think God will be pleased with that too. (This was my personal experience!) I think your praise can be BOTH at the same time though.
“I am so proud of you for doing that for your brother, because it shows that you have a compassionate heart.”
“Thank you for helping me with that. You are such a great helper to me!”
“You look so pretty, Sara! And your happy face is my favorite part.”
The danger is when you praise things that aren’t important to the exclusion of recognizing the qualities you want to reinforce. And if you are raising servants, they won’t feel entitled, no matter how much praise you heap on them.
I don’t have children yet, but my mother is a child psychologist, so I have a lot of thoughts on the matter. I think the best way to raise children who know they are supported and loved, but are not entitled, is to make sure you are still willing to say NO sometimes and to make sure your children are capable of entertaining themselves. I’m not talking about drastic measures here, but if your child asks for an ice cream cone right before dinner, there are parents who cave and give their kid whatever they want… and there are parents who say no, we’re going to eat dinner soon, you can’t have an ice cream cone. There are parents who feel the need to entertain their children 24/7, and there are parents who tell their child that they have to play and entertain themselves for an hour.
Growing up thinking everything revolves around you is what makes someone entitled, not having a parent who tells you that you’re pretty, or kind, or smart. Those are all good things that build confidence, without raising someone who thinks that they can have whatever they want, whenever they want it.
And, to answer your question “Is it so wrong to grow up knowing that your parents think you’re the great person to walk the planet?” — well, kind of. My husband’s father passed away when he was young, so his mother never, ever told him no for anything. It’s not that he’s a bad person, because obviously I think he’s (mostly) wonderful, except that he has absolutely no concept of give-and-take in a marriage. He has always had exactly what he wants, so he refuses to sacrifice something for my happiness (example: he likes spending Thanksgiving with his family, so for the 10 years we have been together, he absolutely refuses to spend Thanksgiving with my family). And I can’t really blame him for his actions, because that’s how he was raised — for 18 years at home, he heard that he deserved everything in the world and he shouldn’t let anyone get in his way. It’s certainly not the end of the world if your treat your children like they are the best thing to walk the planet — but any future daughters-in-law will sure as heck despise you! 🙂
Entitled children have been allowed to exploit their natural sinful nature of selfishness. They exhibit a lack of obedience, self control, respect, and responsibility. I think training begins early on in regards to these areas and involves teaching, correcting, rebuking, and disciplining in light of God’s Word. My experience as a parent has been that when I humbly obey God by teaching my children His Word (through example first and then as Scripture spells out for me as a mother), the Holy Spirit has worked very early on to bring them to a point of conviction. He is the only One who can change a heart- even at 4 and 5 years of age. Continuing to actively disciple them through the Word- and again, discipline them with the same- naturally exposes them to proper heart attitudes and right behaviors eventually follow (from the heart). Practically speaking, that can look many different ways depending on each family and where God has placed the family to minister {although I believe children should first be taught to serve one another in the home by assigning age-appropriate tasks that don’t just benefit themselves, but contribute to the family}. In respect to a healthy self-esteem, a parent should be continually leading a child back to the Word and reaffirming him/her with the truths God has given us about how He thinks of each of us. While modern psychology has given us some great contributions, the findings always need to be examined with the Word as the plumb line. It is entirely possible to encourage and point out the great qualities God has given a child and concurrently teach true humility.
A wonderful resource for parents is Don’t Make Me Count to Three by Ginger Plowman; she has summed up all of the parenting books I give the most credence to in her book so that it’s a little easier to digest before digging into the others. God has given guidelines to us parents, but He is big (and creative!) enough to leave a lot of room for personality!
As a first grade teacher for 9 years I think it is important to praise achievements but more important to praise the hard work that led to the achievement. Instead of saying “Wow-you’re so smart!” Say: “Wow you worked really hard to …” I also think its good to praise mistakes. I see so many little perfectionists crying and showing frustrations at such an early age. I always tell them that mistakes help us learn. Showing examples of real people helps too. For example, Michael Jordan didn’t make his high school basketball team but went on to be an amazing player. It took 5 years and over 5,000 prototypes to invent the Dyson vacuum. I’m sure there are a lot of examples from the Bible too!
As a teacher I completely agree with Andrea. We have been doing a lot of research on what makes kids want to work hard vs. kids who give up when something is too hard. If you tell a child they are great at math over and over again, they will be hesitant to fail and quicker to give up when something is hard rather than if you praise them for strategies used- even if they got the wrong answer.
Obviously you are their mother. You are supposed to love them unconditionally and shower them with praise and affection. The biggest issue I see is when parents are blind to their children’s flaws and feel they can do no wrong. I feel that praise and compliments are hugely important in raising great kids, but also recognizing and discussing with them ways to improve, what they could do differently to have a better outcome, and recognizing their flaws and supporting them inspite of it all. You will raise wonderful boys, I am sure of it.
oh erin, this is yet another wonderful, thought provoking post. this is a complicated topic for me. as i’ve already expressed to you, coming in as the stepmother to a life already well in progress has it’s challenges. what you speak of is one of the biggest challenges in our household – where discipline, boundaries, limits and responsibilities were sadly lacking…until i came along. i know my husband was doing the best he could as a single dad. he felt a lot of guilt and also probably didn’t see that setting boundaries and limits in the life of a child is a loving act.
i’m about to ramble. i’ll try to rein it in.
i just wanted you to know that you’ve touched a nerve. you’ve brought up an area which needs much prayer and patience in my life and household (and modeling of behavior on my part – for both my stepdaughter and my husband). some days i have to rest. some days i cry. some days i wish i also had a biological child with my husband so that i could “do it right” from the beginning and wouldn’t have to be so darn careful about how i negotiatied every disciplinary situation or communication. i know. i’m terrible. it’s probably shocking to hear that i sometimes feel that way, but i’m also human and needed to admit that. the Lord knows my heart.
gosh. i think i need your verse for myself today…lol! i need to remember that MY worth come from God…and not in how well i do as a (second) wife and stepmother. today i need a healthy dose of His grace.
you are a wonderful mom and person erin. as always, thanks for keepin’ it real. i hope little hayes is feeling better today.
Great post. As a mom of older kids I am constantly questioning if every mistake my 20 year old son makes is directly related to the fact that I “over” loved him (if that even makes sense). I know teens make mistakes and that is a normal part of their development, and it is also normal that some make more of those mistakes than others or that it takes longer for them to learn from those mistakes. Relatively speaking, I haven’t had a hard road with him. It just seems like I find myself surprised by the decisions he makes sometimes and I have often said “you weren’t raised this way”, I’m ashamed to admit that I have said that out loud. It’s so hard to know what’s the “normal” path of mistakes and discoveries and when to worry. I guess it is true what they say, we just NEVER stop worrying about our babies, no matter how old they are.
A wonderful post, on a topic I have been reading about at length this week! I have a 5 year old who honest to goodness has gotten it in his head that he a combination of Pele, Derek Jeter and Aaron Rodgers rolled into one neat little package! I want him to play sports (as long as he does well in school), because I think that they teach teamwork, work ethic, and of course, help them stay physically fit. But at 5, he’s good at everything he tries. And we don’t talk about it. But the other parents on the team do. And so I get bombarded with, “Hey mom, do you remember when I was playing soccer the other day and I made that move that no other 5 year old has ever made before?” Aaaaagh! I usually just say, “You know what I’m most proud of? What a great job you’re doing in your reader this week!”
We’re working on being humble, day by day. We’re working on good sportmanship, day by day. And most importantly, we’re teaching that your education and your character should come before all of those things. Day by day.
My husband employs a lot of these entitled kids, and we know that there’s no way we’re doing it. I’ve never before heard of a group whose parents feel the need to make everyone else take responsibility for their children’s actions. It’s the teacher’s fault. The coach’s fault. The boss’ fault. I feel such a huge burden to make sure that my kids aren’t like that! I so appreciate your thoughts on this!
I feel like some of the commenters missed the point, and maybe that’s because I was a part of the original conversation that sparred the post. The point, in my opinion, is that there are a myriad ways in which you can alter a child’s course or way of thinking about something – and a lot of times it’s by an off-hand comment or reaction to something small. How parents can affect their children without even realizing it, and without the child realizing it until they are old enough to look back and start digging into their particular insecurities. The conversation could obviously go on and on, and in one hundred directions, but that’s the crux of it for me.
I was just talking about the entitlement issue with one of my girlfriends the other day … about how it was one of the big destroyers that I hope to raise my children without. I very much agree with your notion that we should praise our children not only on their achievements but also in their inherent, innate gifts and talents. They are from God! God alone has equipped each of us with a unique set of talents, and I am always thanking Him for the things He has allowed me to do through the ones He has given me. Why wouldn’t I also teach my children that their own set of gifts and talents are nothing shy of divine (literally! ;o) ? I think it is all about balance. If, for example, one of our children is a “leader,” I’d be trying to not only encourage that child to be a great leader (ultimately for God’s glory, never our own), but I’d also be pairing that with trying to instill in him a lot of humility and compassion. Again, all about balance … loving them unconditionally and being their biggest cheerleader, alongside of discipline and parental direction.
Your boys are “handsome and adorable,” by the way! You totally have my permission to tell them so. Ha! ;o)
This was a great post and something I always think about. I grew up in a home where I knew and felt I was loved through my parents actions towards me. They also instilled a strong sense of right and wrong and talked with me about being independent and making my own choices. Most importantly, they shared God’s love with me and taught me that He is ultimately in control and to seek His guidance in my life. All these things have worked together to make me a confident woman. Yes, I have insecurities just like everyone else, but above all, I feel confident in who I am based on the things my parents instilled in me from an early age.
With the boys, we constantly tell them how much we love them and how proud we are of them. I think it’s so important for children to hear that verbal affirmation of your love in addition to showing them by being active with them. We stress the importance of family with them everyday. We also talk with them about God and how He has blessed us and them and ask for Him to be with us and continue to bless us. (I particularly feel blessed to be in their lives! http://the-things-im-learning.blogspot.com/2012/04/so-long-25.html) It makes my heart want to burst each night listening to their sweet voices say their prayers and thank God for their family, Jesus, things, and His blessings.
Two things I’ve learned in the past year is that children are so impressionable and so eager for our love and affirmation. It brings me so much joy to see their accomplishments and celebrate with them.
It is also so humbling to have a moment to discuss with them our love despite things that happen. Case in point: The youngest cut a pair of his pajama pants a few months ago when we were cutting out some pictures for his brother’s preschool homework. A few weeks ago, he wanted to wear those pajamas. Seeing the hole, he immediately began saying “I’m sorry I cut these.” Of course, this was done months ago and it really wasn’t a big deal, and at the time, we just talked with him about taking care of his things, letting us help him cut, and not doing it again. We obviously hadn’t thought anything of it. But to hear him say “I’m sorry” over this small little action that certainly didn’t cause any problems gave me a perfect opportunity to share love with him. It was so great to be able to sit there and let him know that we all make mistakes even as grownups, but that doesn’t change the way his dad and I feel about him. We talked about how we appreciate that he is sorry, but that we don’t expect him to be perfect and know he’ll make mistakes as he grows up to be a big boy. The important thing is that he knows that we love him more than anything in the world and are always there for him no matter what happens.
I know my long story above may seem insignificant, but I think it’s so important for kids to feel confident in our love for them. This kind of confidence, in my opinion, is what spurs them on to grow into confident, independent adults who know they have their number one supporters in their parents.
Above all, though, I think we have to just continue to pray that our words and actions will show them their worth, and like you said, that it is ultimately found in the Lord. Having them grow up to be men who seek God will be the ultimate accomplishment.
I would recommend the book “Nurtureshock” by Po Bronson. It compiles a lot of research on various topics related to child development, and one topic is praising your children. I don’t remember a lot of the statistics off the top of my head (or the number of studies cited), but there is much evidence that children should be praised for their efforts not their accomplishments, results or talent. You want your children to work diligently and to mature into disciplined, hard-working adults. Therefore, praise them for working hard, starting projects early and with a good plan, working diligently and making their best effort. If they do this consistently, success will follow at some point. It may not be immediate, and praising the effort (or providing constructive criticism on the lack of effort or discipline) will encourage them to keep working. True self confidence will naturally follow after a few successes achieved through their own hard work.
I absolutely LOVED this post! I try to consciously give my children praise and encouragement unconditionally. I think that God loves me unconditionally no matter what I do, therefore I want to do the same for my kids. I think that you are right, though, in instilling discipline and teaching them the difference between right and wrong. As children of God, we know who we are in Him, therefore we do what is right because He first loved us! I also think that you are so right to instill perseverance in them. I truly believe that you can succeed in anything so long as you are resilient. And, that comes only from God’s help.
Wow, Erin-great topic. Clearly many parents are wondering the same thing and have strong ideas about how to best instill confidence without raising egomaniacs. My daughter is only 4 months old and I literally just asked my husband this weekend how we can ensure she grows up with high self-esteem, but not be self absorbed or conceited. I spend so much time telling her how wonderful and adorable she is, which is great for an infant, but that won’t be the most healthy approach forever.
In addition to what you said about praising both accomplishments and characteristics, I think teaching empathy is huge. And modeling it is key in my opinion.
Great post!
I was going to say exactly what Caroline said. I read that book about two years ago when my daughter was almost one. It has a lot of great information in there about the best way to praise children and help them grow into productive adults. My daughter is just shy of three now and I can definitely see the perfectionist tendencies in her. I have to really push her to try things that she isn’t good at, but when you praise the effort she’s a lot more willing to keep trying. And we tell her she’s beautiful every day (several times a day…ha!), but we also make a point to show her that other people are beautiful too.
I guess the trick is to teach your children that they’re the best, yet no better than anyone else. Much easier said than done I know, but I think my parents did a good job with it.
You wrote: Is it so wrong to grow up knowing that your parents think you’re the great person to walk the planet?
Actually, it is. My eleven year old niece is homeschooled and she has spent her entire childhood surrounded by adults telling her how exceptionally brilliant and talented she is. Aside from seeing kids at church she doesn’t have a circle of peers to give her balance, and all she gets is a constant stream of accolades; they now reinforce it by telling her that they keep her at home because she’s so advanced there’s no way they could hold her back in a traditional classroom. At some point in her life she’s going to have to deal with the real world and she’s not going to be the smartest person in the room and it will crush her.
I strive for balance with my own kids. They’re praised for things they do that are genuine accomplishments, milestones they’re reached and things they’ve put effort in and achieved–and every little thing isn’t an accomplishment. They pick up their toys and clean their rooms because they’re a part of our family and we all have things we do to keep the house running. Someday they’re going to have a job and no one is going to praise them for doing it. That’s life and they may as well get used to it now. I don’t keep every single art project and drawing; really special ones are framed or saved (and I mean a small handful out of every school year) and the others are admired, and maybe asked a question or two about how or why they did it, but then they’re tossed. I really, really praise them for their interactions with each other; as boy/girl siblings only two years apart I want more than anything for them to be lifelong friends.
I’m thinking that perhaps some people missed the mark a little bit on here. By saying “Is it so wrong to grow up knowing that your parents think you’re the great person to walk the planet?”, I think maybe they think you mean, in a way, they can do no wrong. But I don’t think that’s what you meant. Personally, I agree with you. I do want BG to know that I think she is the coolest person ever, because to me? she is. That doesn’t mean that I think she can do no wrong or that I think she is the best at everything she does. While I do fully intend to praise her every accomplishment, as her Mom, it’s also my job to help her learn what she’s good at and what she’s not so good at. She’s not going to be good at everything.
And while I fully intend to give her the world, I also want her to figure out how to work and make things happen for herself. It is my job to build her up. The world is going to do enough to tear her down, she will never need that from me. Sometimes a kid just needs to hear they’re pretty. Or that their picture is colored really pretty. They don’t put near as much thought into it as we do..
Things are going to be hard enough for them one day. Right now? I get to play cheerleader. and I fully intend on rocking that job.
I think you’re absolutely on the right track that ALL children need compliments about who they are! You want them to know that who they are matters, and matters most! But I also think that excessive compliments do not create entitled children.
Entitled children become that way because they are used to getting their way, and getting everything they ask. They are not used to working for what they want, and even worse, they are not very good at creative problem solving, because they are used to having problems solved for them. I think some of the keys to avoiding an entitled child is to focusing on the values you want non-entitled children to have, including gratitude, a servants heart, and yes, a strong work ethic as well. For the first two, serving together as a family, and exposing children to many different people with different view points in vastly different places in life helps to open up a child’s mind to realize there is far more to the world than they know. I think missions work in high school is a great way to accomplish this too. A servant’s heart is developed in the little things- in the helping where help needs doing. Hudson is probably at the age where he LOVES to help right now, so ask him to help at every turn, and make a big deal about it when he does. When you are doing something to help others (even and especially your husband), talk with him about who you are helping and why you are helping them.
The work ethic is a whole different thing. I think that is learned in part from example. Make sure Todd models a HEALTHY work-life balance, if that is what you want the boys to emulate. My mom used to make used to have this rule that we had to have a stake in big things. We were of course given gifts for birthdays and holidays, and for the start of school. But if we wanted something larger than the gift budget, or if we wanted something at another time (even a mission trip, a school trip, etc)- we had to have a stake in it, even if it was using allowance money or babysitting money-she wanted us to feel the loss too if we broke that toy, or only played that guitar once. We have a family friend who has done this with her child, even though they have very little money. The kid is 10 years old, and he REALLY wanted an iPad. His single mom did NOT have the money for an iPad. But the kid studiously saved up his allowance for more than 6 months, and then when his birthday came around, his mom and dad both pitched in to pay the other half of his iPad- and he LOVES the thing. Now he’s seriously saving for a car. And he’s 10.
The other thing that my mom made us do was that she made us do the leg work on things. When I was 10 and wanted dance lessons, my mom made me call around to every dance studio within 3 towns of us, and ask about their prices and schedules, and then present her with the best options. When we went on vacation, one of us sat in the front seat as the navigator- we figured out maps, scheduling challenges, etc. We were taught how to answer the phone politely, and how to take a message, and how to place an order for food. My husband’s mother did not do these things for him. He and his brother were given things without any expectation of responsibility, and as a result, they destroyed them, rather than valued them. And to this day and age, my husband is terrified of ordering a pizza or calling to schedule a dentist appointment. And now, I am struggling to teach my husband that he cannot rely on his parents for many things just because it is more convenient. It is one thing to accept help when you need it, and another thing to take advantage of someone because they have a kind helpful soul.
GREAT post my friend!! Everything you said is so very true and I hope to raise my children the same. I so desire for them to have the perfect mix of strong personalities and humbleness. We praise Addison a lot because I want her to be confident. But I also want her to have a kind, gentle heart. Oh the things we want…Man, I sure hope she has a good balance. 🙂