Do y’all remember this post? If you haven’t been around here very long, you probably missed it as it was almost two years ago. I was so young and ridiculous. But what in the world was wrong with me? (I realize I am still ridiculous.)
I was almost one year into my time as a stay-at-home mom and I was still struggling. I struggled with this major internal conflict and insecurity that I wasn’t doing enough. I loved being at home, but there was the guilt and there was this major insecurity. I always felt like I had to explain my decision to stay home to everyone I knew. I felt like I had to have something else going on so I could say, “I stay home with my kids, but I’m also doing ‘x,y, and z.'”
I was busy, of course. And I was happy. Hudson was learning and growing and thriving. I was enjoying myself. But I was insecure in my decision. As always, I was worried about what other people thought of my decision. I have a graduate degree, so I was imagining people looking at me like I had three heads when I’d tell them that I was staying home. I was still feeling this way in June of 2010.
And then I got pregnant with Hayes. And then Hayes was born. Since then, there hasn’t been a day that I doubt what I’m doing at home.
Why? Because I don’t have time to think about it. These little boys are moving so fast and growing too fast. They change every single day.
I spent the majority of my life wishing it away. Wishing I was old enough to get my driver’s license. Wishing it was time to go away to college. Wishing I was 21. Wishing that college was over. Wishing that I’d meet the man I was going to marry- and wishing he’d propose. Wishing I’d get pregnant.
And then? Time took care of the rest.
Since becoming a mom, every single day has flown by. I can see how quickly time is passing in my boys’ faces. And in their clothes size, shoe size, number of teeth, and how many haircuts they’ve gotten. How many Christmases and birthdays they have celebrated. Each year just sends time barreling forward to the next year.
I had so many fears, insecurities, and concerns that being a stay-at-home mom wasn’t enough for me. I had this nagging feeling like I “should be” doing more. But for who?
The more I thought about it and when I think about it now, I know that I wasn’t having those feelings for me. I was looking for ways to fill up my life so I could make myself feel better when forced into one of those awkward small talk situations. You know, the ones I talked about the other day. Where I just sweat and start saying really stupid things.
The day will come again when I start wondering what I’m going to do. My kids won’t be at home all day. Will I stay home or go back to work? I’m not sure. But when I make that decision, I’ll make it for my family, with the help of my family. Not for anyone else and what they’ll think of our decision.
I know we all have things in our life that make us feel this way. But the most important thing for me, moving forward, is that I am confident in what we’ve decided. And that I learn to speak with pride about the decisions.
You described me perfectly! I have spent my whole life waiting too. Confidence is something that comes with life experience. Have you read What Women Fear? written by Angie Smith? It’s a really good read on not letting our fears rob us of being confident in our life! On another note, what is the hairbrush that you have mentioned before that is so good?
That sweet smile on Hayes’ face is absolutely precious. Such a happy guy!!!
I needed this post today – thank you for sharing your heart.
you go girl!!! I like this post- I think it’s easy to wish time away and this post made me want to slow down a little more.
I remember my mom telling me not to be in a rush to grow-up, I was always in a hurry to get to every milestone first.
Now I just want time to slow down, Hudson is 3 and I just cannot imagine sending him off to kindergarten in a few years! I love seeing him grow and learn but a part of me just wants him to be my little baby forever!
great post today 🙂
Thank you for this post. I am a stay-at-home mom with a degree and people are always making me feel like I’m not doing enough. I love being at home with my daughter and like you said that might change in the future but right now I just want to treasure every moment while she’s young.
I have been struggling with this a lot recently. I’ve been struggling with a lot of the feelings from your old post too. This summer I will finish my graduate degree and we will welcome a new baby into our family all in the same month. I am really, really struggling with where my role will be with two babies. I have been home with Charlotte for her whole life. And, good and bad, I have loved every second of it and feel like I was born to be a full time mommy. School has been overwhleming recently. Extremely overwhelming. I find myself asking who I am trying to prove something to by talking about the jobs I will apply for when I graduate. Which again–is the same month we will have a newborn baby and 22 month old. I enjoy what I’m doing and the degree I receive will be beneficial for the rest of my life when I decide to use it. I think looking ahead is where I get off track, and I need to stay in the here and now. I truly believe being a mom is the single most important role and job a woman can have. It’s such an internal struggle!
I totally get this post! Perfectly put! I’m in the stage of done with college debating when to tackle grad school or continue working and saving! But I wanted to say my mom struggled if she should stay home or go back to work when she was prego with me but God gave her an answer when she was 7 months prego with me through a tragic accident of if she didn’t get behind the wooden desk shed be first to be gone! She knew the shed be staying home! She loved it and wen I started school all day she went back to work! She tells everyone she wouldn’t trade those moments ever! She questioned how they’d afford her not working but God provided! My aunt told her you’ll continue to spend what you have lol! Ok this was not supposed be long winded but wanted share my story:)
I am a working mom with a desire to stay home. I always feel like my priorities are out of whack. I am in no way saying that being a working mom is wrong, but for me I always have that guilt that comes from feeling like my family is put after my job. Unfortunately we can’t afford for me to stay home right now, but I pray for it daily. Someone recently told me that she thinks God’s original design for women was for us to be caretakers of our families and homes and that for a lot of us that desire is conficted when we work. These are my personal feelings and I don’t want working moms to think they are doing anything wrong. Just for me it feels wrong.
Bravo. Beautiful post. I feel like I could have written every word. (I am a SAHM with two boys too!)
You are also a role model, leader and unknowingly friend to lots and lots of others. You don’t even know me, but by sharing these stories and experiences you’ve helped me tremendously. I’m a new mom and you may as well have gone shopping with me for my baby because you shared all the products that worked and didn’t for you. I sleep at night because you told me about moms on call. I hope I won’t have as hard of a struggle being a SAHM with an MBA because I’ll know others feel the same way. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate what you share, thanks!
Hayes looks cute!
My baby boy is 4months old and I’ve been staying home with him and taking classes online. In fall I will have to go to school a few times per week and work at a part time job! The thought of leaving him for so many hours so many days a week is already making me anxious!! You have my dream job. I’d love to see some more time management posts from you of how you mange to take care of a baby a toddler and cook and keep the house clean ( I hate dog hair..)
I appreciate this post! Deciding to be a stay at home mom is a hard decision that I have been contemplating. Up until having my son I worked in retail full time, and enjoyed doing it (minus the hours). I also enjoyed having the extra income to travel and spend frivolously. But now I am not working and taking classes to pursue a 2nd degree, on top of an MBA. That is a whole different story, I think I just enjoy learning. But when people say, “so your a stay at home mom.” I feel like I have to defend myself and instead of saying “yes,” I always reply with “well, I’m in school.” For some reason I think people will look down on me because I am not bringing in an income and there is a huge fear of disappointing others. I also feel like I need to be working to prove to myself that I can do it. But then I think about when I was little. My mom worked until I was 4 and then she stayed home with me. I really enjoyed having her there and think that is part of the reason we are so close today. I guess I just need to realize that I have no one to please but my family and that just because I choose to do one thing over another doesn’t mean I can’t change my mind as time going by. Thanks Erin getting me thinking!
Love it! I too feel that way sometimes because I have a Master’s degree. But like you said, maybe one day I will go back to work. Sometimes, I think working “outside” of the home would be a nice change of pace. But I did that once when my first was little. It was major stress! Time will tell:)
I’ve been a full-time parent and homeschooling mom to my four daughters for over two decades. Now that my baby is about to graduate from high school, I can safely say that giving my full attention to raising my daughters is by far the most important thing I will ever do. And I’m willing to go out on a limb and say something that people in our culture don’t normally like to say:
Yes, there IS a difference between being a mom who makes her family her full-time commitment and a mom who has competing priorities. Yes, it’s true that some moms have absolutely no choice but to work (my mom was one) and those moms have my deepest respect. Yes, staying home with my kids meant we made a lot of financial sacrifices that most American families don’t want to make, but I don’t mind giving up vacations and new cars so that I can raise my kids myself. And yes, sometimes people did say to me, “Didn’t you used to be a high-powered corporate accountant with important clients and a stylish wardrobe?” I just learned to smile and say, “Yes, but now I have a better job.”
Being available to your children when they need you matters. You are doing the most important work of your life, and no one could pay you for what you are worth. Believe in yourself and keep the faith!
Thanks for this post Erin. I was a corporate lawyer before I decided to stay home with my daughter. Sometimes I felt pressure to justify my decision but I’m really at peace with it now. It is the best thing for my daughter, but also the best thing for my husband and I! Our life is so much less stressful and happier without both of us working, scrambling around to get dinner on the table every night. I would recommend Dr. Laura’s book “In Praise of Stay-at-Home-Moms.” I don’t agree with Dr. Laura about everything, but the book really crystallized my feelings about it being the right decision. You are doing IMPORTANT and VALUABLE work raising your two boys. No one can do it as well as you.
Erin that picture is adorable and so real! Funny the difference having one vs two kids makes huh? No time to think much less reflect on everything. I worked after having Ryder but wished that time away until I could stay home. Wished my pregnancy away so I could fit in smaller clothes, and to be honest, wished days by until Brynley was sleeping through the night. Now staying home I’ve lived on both sides and this is definitely the greener side. Not always more glamorous and I’m reminded of this daily while getting handfuls of hair tugged out by my 6 month old, while playing super heroes, dress up, or doing puzzles and wiping marker from carpets. (or worse haha!) But i wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. I think a lot of these feelings happen bc it’s all so overwhelming. Even more so with two but you realize it will pass. It made me realize just reading your thoughts about our children growing by clothes size, shoe size and hair cuts just how fast it does pass. I need to pray not to ever wish these moments of chaos away, not even in my thoughts!