Welcome to Toddler Town.
It’s loud around here. And lately it’s loud because strong-willed, spirited, hilarious Hudson is screaming. He screams at Hayes. He screams at Boudreaux. And he screams at Fiona.
None of us are a fan of the screaming. It’s not a flattering sound. It sends my blood pressure through the roof. It makes Hayes cry. And it turns Hudson into a little tyrant who seems to be running this house.
And that’s not what we want here. Our 2.5 year old isn’t prepared to run this house. But he sure is loud.
In addition to being loud right now, he’s not the most obedient toddler on the block. We’re working on it and it definitely has gotten better. I’ve become more aware of rewarding and acknowledging his good behaviors so he knows to repeat them.
But when it comes to the screaming and the tantrums, we’re in the midst of a discipline nightmare. I’m not a discipline expert at all. I’ve gotten a few emails asking how we discipline Hudson and I’ve honestly avoided those emails like the plague. I’m not at all equipped to offer advice on this topic.
We’ve tried so many things. We’ve tried the thump on the hand. We’ve tried spanking. And we’ve tried the “1-2-3 counting” thing. None of these methods work for Hudson.
He asks to be spanked when he misbehaves. And then he laughs about it. Not working, right?
My biggest struggle has obviously been consistency- if you couldn’t tell. But I don’t want to keep disciplining him in a way that is ineffective. I know different things work for different kids and different personalities. And it’s all about knowing your child and how he is going to respond.
In the last week or so, I’ve really embraced the time out chair. Hudson is social. He loves to be with everyone and loves to be the center of attention. But when he has to be removed and he is forced to sit in a room by himself and be quiet, it hurts his little feelings.
Taking him to time out and having him sit there for about 3 minutes (because that is an eternity to him at 2.5 years old) breaks his heart. It humbles him and it makes him calm down and come back to the other room with a better attitude.
When he comes out of time out, he’s usually sucking his thumb and has his little head bowed. I squat down to his level and give him a huge hug. I tell him again what he did that got him put in time out and now, without prompting, he always apologizes to me, to Hayes, or to Boudreaux and Fiona.
The most important thing to me, at this point, is being consistent. If I discipline him for a certain behavior one time, I need to make sure he is disciplined for that behavior the next time he does it. And he will do it again- but hopefully not too many times!
During Bible study today, we talked about the importance of discipline and the Biblical truths behind it. And that it is about love. I have to remember to keep my own emotions in check and remember how much I love him even when he flops himself on the floor because I told him “no.”
Really, this is all about love, protection, and trust. I want to protect him from hurting himself or someone else. I want to help mold him into a boy who will be a good friend. And I want him to know that he is loved and that he can trust us.
I hope that the time out method is the one that sticks for us. But I have a feeling that as Hudson grows and changes we’ll have to come up with something else for him.
Dear friends. Help me. Help each other. How many discipline methods did you try before you found the one that your child responded to?
I am struggling with this as well!! I am trying so hard to be patient, yet effective. I can’t wait to hear some fellow advice. Having a 2 year old and a newborn is hard some days!
Oops! I meant to say – I usually say, “Oh, that’s sad” when my son does something less than appealing, like throw food or scream no at me. He doesn’t want me to be sad, so that sometimes changes his behavior while he asks, “Mommy happy?” Also, lately I have been trying to IGNORE those pesky little attention grabbing behaviors so that he doesn’t get a reaction from me. I pray for patience every day so that my son can grow into a little boy with a sweet and loving heart. I feel ya, mama!
My two have different techniques that work for them. My daughter THRIVES on rewards and praise. My son does too, but not to the same extent. With him (he’s my oldest) time outs work. Taking away privileges works (the biggest is whether he’s allowed to watch a show during “quiet time.” I’m a big fan of consistency with each child, but I don’t think punishing them the same way works because they’re two different kids!
But I know about the screaming. And the bossiness. I’m just trying to raise kind, sweet, loving kids, and some days when I’m at the end of my rope, I realize that some of the behavior that I’m seeing in them that I don’t like is, well, me! So I try to watch me too!
I’m right there with you! I have a very strong-willed three year old boy and a 10 month old. I certainly don’t have the answers, but have been actively seeking them out. Please let me share with you some resources that have been a great, great help to my husband in me in the arena of discipline and getting the heart of the issue each time.
Each of these books can be found on Amazon. I simply can not stress how highly I recommend them!
1) “Don’t Make Me Count To Three” by Ginger Plowman (This is based off of the principles of “Shepherding a Child’s heart by Tedd Tripp. In my opinion, Ms. Plowman’s work was easier to read and comprehend.)
2) “The Heart of Anger” by Lou Priolo
3) “Gospel Powered Parenting” by William P. Farley
At our church, we took a parenting class that also greatly helped us. It was a video series by Paul David Trip entitled “Getting to the Heart of Parenting.” It was SO encouraging to us and offered some great Biblical, practical application. The video is worth buying. Here is the link on Amazon:
http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Heart-Parenting-Live-Conference/dp/1886568596/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1330523983&sr=8-1
Continue to seek after Truth and remember 2 Timothy 3:16. God has given us EVERYTHING we need in His word. He will bless our obedience in raising our children in godliness.
After a particularly trying day, I once told my husband how discouraged I was that we weren’t seeing any results with our (then) 2 year old. “I am being consistent and trying to do the right thing, but it doesn’t seem to be working,” I lamented. My husband gently reminded me that our motivation in instructing and discipline our son is love for him and, ultimately, God. “Do the right thing and leave the results up to God,” my husband said.
There are still many days in which I think I could just pull my hair out (why didn’t anyone tell me that the terrible two’s have nothing on being three??). Our son does not know Jesus as Lord and so, of course, his blackened little heart comes out full force all of the time BUT we are finally starting to see results when we discipline.
More than anything, I just pray that my children will come to understand that it isn’t just about being good but that they desperately are in need of a Savior.
I pray that you will consider reading some of the recommended books and that they will encourage and strengthen your heart as they have mine.
Blessings to you and your sweet family!
I am in the exact same boat. K would ask me to spank her from time to time but when I do it out of nowhere then she knows she did something really bad. She’s good with timeout. She sometimes brings herself to it when she knows she is misbehaving. We don’t time it, but we do ask her if she’s ready to be nice again, she can come out.
Brittany –
You make a great point about being conscious of our own actions as parents. Thanks for the great reminder! 🙂
I love that you said he “isn’t prepared to run this house”. Oh, if only all parents would have this realization! Good luck with the ongoing discipline, I can only imagine how difficult it would be to maintain the consistency all the time. I’m sure you’ll do a great job with both of your boys!
I’m a fan of the “time-out” as well. The other thing I do? When she’s starting the behavior that gets her in trouble, I tell her “remember how we’re not allowed to touch Mommy’s cell phone b/c __________ (in our case it’s b/c it went in to the toilet last month)” and putting in her court to remember the bad behavior and what happened the last time she held the cell phone makes her put it down. Reminding them about what happens and doing it in an “adult” manner has really seemed to help!
Working on this too! My twins are 2.5 and they both respond to different displines…well, differently…such a struggle!! I had a parenting day nightmare last Friday…there were tears all around…trying to keep my emotions in check and discipline as a teaching tool out of love is super hard! I have tried different methods and still haven’t come up with one way that we feel is effective!! Empathizing with you and can’t wait to read others comments to see how they approaced this 🙂
Our 3 yr old is a sensitive soul and most of the time just saying that we are disappointed in her is enough. Standing in the corner is the most effective type of discipline at our house, its pure torture for her. We take toys away when and she earns them back by being ‘good’. I’ve also found that counting down (3-2-1), instead of up is more effective because she knows that there are no more numbers and she’s really in trouble when we get to one.
I think any parent has dealt with these same difficulties. Sometimes just a little reminder that I’m not the first to tackle these obstacles, helps me pull through to the other side. Knowing that their is light at the end of the tunnel if we’re consistent is also helpful. However, at the time when the yelling and bossing is taking place, it’s all I can do to remain calm and focused! Kids definitely push their boundaries and it’s up to us to maintain those limitations and let them know what they can and cannot do. It’s a daily struggle but hopefully all our efforts will be worth it in the end when we have perfect children! Ha!
I’m wholly unqualified to make this suggestion, my not being a mother myself, but I do have tons of friends with babies (so I know EVERYTHING 😉 jk), and I enjoy listening to their advice/suggestions and descriptions of what they are interacting with their own children.
One method that seemed interesting, was suggested by a cousin, who, for each of her two girls (she’s since added a boy into the mix, but he’s barely a year old), has a small jar with their name on it. Each time they do something good, she puts a marble (I think) into the jar and each time they do something bad, she takes a marble away. There is perhaps a weighting system to this (i.e. perhaps some good acts and bad acts warrant more than one marble). Anyways, at any point that the marbles fill the jar, the child gets a treat (I am not sure what form the treat takes, but I’m not sure that’s important). She told me that she recently had to modify this system, as the children got very very upset when marbles were taken away, so she bought two different color marbles, one of which was “good” and one of which was “bad”, and would take away “bad” marbles for good behaviour until there were no more “bad” marbles left. I’m not sure if the end goal of the game was to get through a week without bad marbles, or still to fill the jar with “good” marbles. Anyways, she said that she liked that system, and I’m keeping it filed away in my arsenal for when I, too, have children 🙂
We are having the same problems here at our house..I have a 3 year old and a 10 month old. We also have tried many different ways of disciplining and it has not worked. We have decided, even though it kills me to put soap in our 3 year olds mouth when he yells or talks back to us or uses potty language, which seems to be more frequent these days. I haven’t done it yet, but it will happen if need be. It breaks my heart but I don’t want my child to be known as the NAUGHTY one.
I will pray for you and your husband as you try to find the best possible way to raise those cute little boys!
Several of my friends swear by this book, http://www.amazon.com/Dont-Make-Me-Count-Three/dp/0972304649/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1330529626&sr=8-1. It is driven by scripture and they have seen great success with it!
Man I am in the same boat! Josiah is very strong willed and spanking doesn’t work for him at all. Time outs actually have worked the best for me as well. He knows to go in his little time out chair and I put a timer right by it. When the timer goes off, he knows to get down. Usually he comes straight to me and says sorry. I also take away toys that he loves and I tell him that when he starts listening, he can have them back. That works wonders. I also have resorted to a sticker book as a reward for good behavior. He loves to get stickers for good behavior and puts them in a little notebook. When a page is full, he’ll get a little toy as a prize. I have went back and forth on this because Pete and I want him to do good because it is right not for the reward. He does get super excited about the sticker book though and I have actually seen a remarkable change in his behavior… I’m praying about how do reward him better. This is so hard and I know exactly how you are feeling. I don’t get it right all the time… and I sometimes feel like I’m a failure, but then all of a sudden, it just clicks in his little head and he starts to do the right thing little by little… and that keeps me motivated to go on. Those moments are rare. I’m praying for wisdom and I think that is all we can do and just try to be as consistent as we can. You are doing a great job and because you are concerned about this and you are implementing discipline, you are doing exactly what the Bible talks about. Keep up the great work and I know it will get better! 🙂
Man this hit a cord with me today. I have a 2 and a half year old as well and am trying to figure out how to discipline him. He is also a screamer. Its very hard not to lose my patience with him. I was just praying last night for more patience and a point in the right direction for him. I hope time out works for Hudson. I know that’s what we are trying now. We were trying the spankings but it wouldn’t work. I personally am just trying to keep my cool and try and understand that he’s a toddler and it will get better.
I have an eight year old son and I can only wish I had this kind of support and connection from other moms back then. Just knowing that someone else is experiencing something similar can make you happy. The blogging world is kind of incredible… 🙂
I’m glad you are finding something that works for you and not giving up! I don’t have kids myself but have been a nanny for 10+ years. I have found that the time out is used effectively by a lot of parents and that ignoring the behavior is pretty effective as well. I remember my favorite little girl, then 3 or 4 (who is the flower girl in my wedding) was having a breakdown about going up to take a bath one evening. She was screaming, banging on the floor and then went under the dining room table to continue this behavior. I told her she could do that all she wanted but it wasn’t going to change the fact that she had to take a bath. I then told her I was going to go upstairs to start running her bath and when she was done screaming and ready to come upstairs, to do so. I went upstairs and started the water, waited about 2 minutes and heard the screaming stop. About a minute or two later I went downstairs and asked if she was ready to take a bath and she said yes and walked upstairs with me.
But I can’t even begin to tell you how many parents have these problems and try so many things before they find something that works. Just don’t give up! I had to stop nannying for one family because their 4 year old was so out of control because they didn’t discipline her because “nothing worked.” She would act similar to hudson’s asking to be spanked. So just don’t give up! It is worth it and you will figure it out! Good Luck!
This is the opposite of what you’ve tried, but I highly urge you to try Unconditional Parenting. There is a DVD. We do “unconditional parenting” and “happiest toddler on the block” in combination and it is working miracles. It isn’t as “easy” as a lot of the books that give you step by step, but it has been magical for our family and my sister’s as well (she has a 5 and 3 year old). My son is only 20 months, but we’ve been using it and it really makes the whole family feel better (there is way less stress on us to do it this way). Be cautioned that it is definitely different (and probably even more different in the South), but we have had to ignore the comments from family and realize that this works for us.
The basic premise is that your child is by nature good. When he acts out, it is because he is trying to get something from you. You need to respond. This teaches them empathy (something seriously lacking in people these days), respect (because you respect them) and it truly stops the situation because they are being heard.
When T is yelling, I get on his level, look in his eyes, and ask in a really nice voice, “Please talk to me in a quiet nice voice. What do you need from me? Do you need a hug?” It totally defuses the situation and he gets what he was looking for (attention).
The hard thing to come to terms with in both of these books is that you cannot “spoil” a child by giving them love and attention. They need it to grow up to be emotionally healthy adults and we just have to figure out how to give it to them.
I’ve written a bit about it on my blog
http://www.twobedroomsandababy.com/2011/09/unconditional-parenting-and-why-it.html
and just did a write up for our nanny on how to use the theories so I’ll try to post that later today.
Hugs and good luck!
Our parenting through faith class at church is doing a series on discipline right now. Our topic Sunday was “Discipline is not spelled PUNISHMENT”. We talked about the importance of discipline in your children’s lives and teaching them that it’s the BEHAVIOR we don’t like, but we LOVE the child. That said, I think what you are doing with time out is awesome. You are addressing the behavior you don’t like, and explaining to Hudson why he needs that time alone. Every child is different, so not one thing will work for everyone!
Another thing we talked about in the study was not reacting to the behavior. Someone gave an example, saying that when their child displays “X” behavior, they calmly remove the child from the situation without saying a WORD, or giving any kind of look. This is so hard! But really, young children ARE looking for a reaction, so it makes sense to not give them one. Of course, addressing the behavior like you did is very important.
Thanks for this!
Ugh – we are going through this too. It’s so awful. We’ve tried timeout, spanking and some others. Different things seem to work at different times. My goal is not to have consistency with the punishment, but consistency with what we are punishing for. So I just try to remember to give a warning: If you do XYZ, then I’m going to do XYZ. And on the very next offense, I follow through. But wow – it is so hard! More recently we have started rewarding good behavior. I can’t stand that I’m constantly coming down on her so I thought if we had a reward system it might help. Melissa & Doug make this responsibility chart that we got for Christmas. It is really cute with a ton of “responsibilities”. Most are way out of Caroline’s league (cleaning dishes), but several are just right (“No Whining”, “Say Please and Thank You”, “Picked up toys”, “Sharing”). So I chose to use the responsibilities that are fitting for her age. Every night we go through the chart and if she did the responsibility, then she gets to move a magnetic smiley face beside it. She loves it and is very disappointed when she doesn’t get a smiley face. Also, I can use this as something to threaten with throughout the day – “Uh oh. I hope you aren’t whining because I really want you to be able to get that smiley face.”
We’ve also done a reward system with dollar store prizes. Everytime I saw her share with a friend, I gave her a sticker. When she got 5 stickers, she got to pick out a prize at the dollar store. I did this when I was on maternity leave and we were having play dates more often. She did really well with that. I am currently collecting happy meal toys for our own stash of prizes for just such an occassion =)
Just update my post with our written instructions for the nanny to help her get a sense of our strategies: http://www.twobedroomsandababy.com/
My 3yr old loves to scream, he wants to be the loudest! Timeout works for us most of the time even out in public. I think we are going to start having voice timeouts for when he gets too loud.
I’ve read some books but honestly watching Jo from supernanny has given me great techniques that work.
I could not count how many discipline measures we have used over our years of parenting our 18 year old son. Every single one of the above suggestions are great. The biggest thing you will learn is you have to find your child’s ‘currency’. It seems you’ve already done it with Hudson by realising he is social and time out works for that. Currencies change all the time but when you find that one thing that is their biggest thing at the time, taking it away, banning it etc will work. I don’t mean favourite comforter ie blanket, teddy etc, that would be just wrong. Over the years we’ve used time out, Tv time, friend play dates, computer time, pocket money, earlier bed time, even how many minutes of watching The Simpsons time he could gain by good behaviour when he was a tween. As you can see the currency of the moment will keep changing but keep working out the next one and it gives you an advantage.
Consistency is the hardest part of parenting, some days behaviours do just bother you more than others as you are busy, stressed, have a headache etc so try not to beat yourself up if you have occasional slip ups. My biggest piece of parenting advice even from 2 years old is to pick your battles. You can argue and discipline your child all day what ever the age group but if you stick to the behaviours you want changed the most and don’t sweat the small stuff they learn to listen when you mean business.
Good luck, it sounds to me as if you’re already doing a wonderful job. Your boys lives are full of love and that’s the best lesson you can ever teach them.
I firmly believe toddlers do not know how to effectively express themselves. They push limits out of frustration,wanting attention, and power. Just think when we are frustrated we want to yell and kick but we know better. Time out, spanking, and taking away toys/privileges works but through trail and error you will determine what works best for Hudson. The most important thing is to be consistent. I do agree that sometimes you just have to ignore some behaviors and pick your battles but those that infringe on safety can’t be ignored. Remember how you treat your children is an example to them how they treat others. I must say I totally disagree putting soap in a childs mouth. Another important thing to remember is that when you sense you are loosing your patience please walk away and cool down! You can’t argue with a toddler and the parent sets the example of good behavior in the home. Children do like praise and as a parent you have to be so careful to avoid being so negative and critical to them all the time.
Raising Boys by James Dobson is a great book for every aspect of raising sons, I have reverted to it time after time.
I so needed to read this. I hope you don’t mind me saying this but it sounds like you have a very strong willed and independent child on your hands which is EXACTLY what I’m in the middle of dealing with. My son is 17 months old so there is a bit of age difference here, but I can already tell that we are in for it on the discipline front. I have not read any discipline books yet because until this month I really just didn’t think he was ready. My friend recently recommended a book about strong willed children and once I remember the name I will let you know. I love my strong willed child and am proud of how strong willed he really is partly because he reminds me of myself. I’m just ready to know how to handle it and teach him the proper way of handling himself. I can’t wait to read your other comments and see what has worked for everyone else. Good luck mama and know that I am right there with you!
I can defenitely relate! The age of 2.5 to 3 has been a challenge. Now, he’s 3 years and 1 month, and things seemed to have calmed down some. Time-out used to work great for us…. until he started having HUGE meltdowns over having to sit in time-out. Which then led to him refusing to sit and stay in time-out. Now, we send him to his room. This has worked well so far because it definitely removes him from the situation or whatever he was doing wrong, but he doesn’t freak out over the “time out” part. He just gets himself together and once he’s calm, we have a talk about it. We’ve also worked really hard at getting on his level and trying to intervene before the meltdown occurs and escalates past the point of no return. I’m definitely thinking of checking out some of the books mentioned! It’s so nice knowing I’m not alone!
I’ve got a draft post saved on this issue, I’m hoping to get it finished and published soon. It’s such a battle! Sounds like the timeouts and consistency are your key though, keep it up!
My kids range in age from 1 to 14 and my oldest son gave me a run for my money – and both preschools he attended!! I had to try so many approaches – thought he would drive us all crazy – until finally I found one that really worked. I highly recommend the book “1-2-3 Magic” – it emphasizes taking your emotions out of disciplining, time-out and being consistent. By the time he was 5-6 – I had a very well behaved son and that has continued to this day and I went on to have 4 more! Another thing that helps, especially if it’s a strong willed child, is letting them know how much you need their help with their younger siblings, around the house, on errands, etc. Strong willed kids love to “be important”. Also, don’t get discouraged by the kids who are currently very well behaved in preschool. That used to be so hard for me to see because I was trying so hard to teach my own child everything that seemed to come naturally to them. Alot of that is just a laid back personality (I have a few of those kids too) and they have or will have their own issues. Good luck and be patient – it takes time but it will pay off!
Amen to Ashley! http://www.amazon.com/Dont-Make-Me-Count-Three/dp/0972304649/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1330544484&sr=8-1 and http://www.amazon.com/Wise-Words-Moms-Ginger-Plowman/dp/0966378660/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1330544484&sr=8-4 are both great resources!
I remember this age – it’s hard – especially with boys! I’ve had some recent discipline issues lately as well and wished I’d found these books before now – different approaches, but they’ve worked well with Walker. He’s very strong-willed, outgoing and definitely ALL Boy! They are “Raising Your Spirited Child” and “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk”. I think they are great for all ages and it’s never too soon to start some of these techniques!
I’m not a Mommy, but between my mom’s daycare, teaching, and my little family members, I think I’ve seen it all, lol.
My little “niece” is 3 and is a stubborn little girl. She’s with us a good amount of the time and so, we’ve had to develop some discipline techniques (isn’t it more fun to be the one that doesn’t have to discipline, lol?). Clearly, we aren’t her parents, but when she’s with us, she knows how she’s expected to behave.
She responds well to time outs, just in the manner that you outlined. When she does something that could hurt her, that warrants a swift swat on the fanny.
Another thing that we started about 6 or so months ago to prevent little situations was…
“Lydia… If you do X, then you will Y (go to timeout, get a spanking, not get to play with a certain toy, etc). Do you understand?”
“Understand.” (in the sweetest voice imaginable)
“Ok, so what will happen if you do X?”
“I will Y.”
Honestly, it works. Of course, she forgets, sometimes. Or, she has to be reminded. But, for that time, she is completely aware of what isn’t allowed. The majority of the time, she obeys it.
We have used both time outs and the 1,2,3 Magic. But, I’ll tell you – 2.5 kicked our you know whats with meltdowns, yelling, flailing, etc. Our little boy just turned 3, and his behavior has changed a ton – not that he still doesn’t have his moments, but the intensity of yelling, tantrums, has all but gone away. Not sure it was the discipline methods or his just growing up a bit. So hopefully there is a light at the end of of your tunnel too!
Oh Erin! Your honesty is helping so many other moms out there. Really, it is. It’s telling them that they’re not alone, that it’s normal to feel your blood pressure rise when your ANGEL of a child is going crazy. It’s normal not to have a clue and to feel like you’re failing. But, you know what? On the flip side, I hope you know that you’re not alone! That you’re normal. That other moms struggle with this too.
Ok, so here’s my two cents. Parenting, in general, is one giant project in which we GRADUALLY hand control over to our kids, until the point where we can release them to society at 18 years old, hopefully, as responsible members of society. You are absolutely correct, he’s not ready to be running the house…. but, he’s gonna give it his best shot. Everybody does. Because we were created with an innate desire for freedom and to dominate {Remember, in Genesis, God gives us the world and tells us to take dominion of it…. it’s in our very DNA}. So, what MAY be going on is a battle for control… the catch is, he can’t have it, but he’s got to FEEL like he’s got control of something. Actually, I would wager to say that you should let him have as much control over his little life as possible. Choices, all day long, choices. Do you want to wear the blue shirt or the red shirt? Do you want the green cup or the yellow cup? Do you want water or milk? The reality is… you don’t actually CARE what he chooses with those issues… right? But, HE feels like he’s doing what he was created to do.
In the meantime, what you CAN control, is what happens to you and around you. Mommy doesn’t like to listen to screaming all day, so if you would like to be around me, you have to not scream. When he does, he’s gone….. and it’s SO SAD because Mommy loves to hang out with her Hudson. Mommy likes to be around nice people, who are happy and fun to be with. If you want to be no fun, that’s ok, but can you go be no fun in your room? Mommy likes to have fun. Oh?!?! You choose to have fun? Well, ok then…. let’s have fun!
It takes the battle out. He still has a choice to scream and yell if he wants, but he loses his most treasured person on the planet… his mom. It won’t take him too long to figure out. But, you have to absolutely be consistent. None of this, what he’s doing, is personal… and so it’s not treated personally… does that make sense? I hope this helps.
My very favorite parenting books are Danny Silks “Loving Our Kids on Purpose” and “Love and Logic” by Fay and Kline. Buy them, read them, soak them in…. they’re amazing!
I left you like the longest response on the planet… sorry about that!
Thanks for this post. I needed it today. I am going to try time-out for 3 minutes-consistently. Nothing else works with ours either.
I’m so glad to hear I am not the only one. I have a very sweet, smart and STUBBORN almost 3 year old. Whew wee! That girl is SO stubborn…problem? So am I! She does everything just out of being stubborn. I literally have a video of her asking for the DVD player on a very long trip. She didn’t ask nicely, so I said please. I.kid.you.not. It was a 45 minute meltdown JUST BECAUSE she wouldn’t say please. Can you imagine? Timeouts are really hard because she won’t stay there…she just screams and runs. Timeout in her crib works except that we have a big girl bed on order and will be here in 2 weeks. Usually the counting works for her IF it is before she melts down. Once she has melted down she is in such a fit/rage/screaming match that nothing works except for her to get it out. I have no idea why the counting works. I’ve never gotten to 3 for her to see what would happen. She always says “Why did you say 1,2” which I find so funny! 🙂 We also talk a lot about Jesus is so sad you are acting that way. I’m sorry I am of no help. Just wanted to let you know you aren’t the only one!
I. Feel. Your. Pain. Spanking only works with my son if the spankings are few and far between. Instead, I’ve started removing things that he likes . . . toys, games, movies, bike rides, etc. Essentially it’s the equivalent of grounding a four year old. He loves his stuff, and he loves to do “stuff”. Disciplining is so tricky, but it’s so important. And it causes me hours of stress.
our son dylan, just turned 3- 3 weeks ago… so i feel your pain! i have come to realize that spanking, counting, time outs, etc dont work for him or us. my son has always been a “directions-follower”. a little back story- since he was 1 1/2, i could give him 5 step directions very easily. he does not listen as well (no attention span) when he is already involved with something. this is just him. he started acting out more when he was a little older than 2.5. we couldnt figure out if the acting out was age, me being pregnant, my grandma getting sick and passing away or a combo of all 3.
so, instead of dealing with discipline during the tantrums, i looked to his strengths. we set a goal for the day. we talk about his 4 “rules” before he goes to bed each night, when he wakes up and when i drop him off at school. i praise him and tell him how happy mom and dad will be if he follows his rules- and that he will get a privilege when he gets home from school. he is to be nice to parents, teachers and friends; try the potty; take a nap so we are not crabby; and leave nicely with mom at pick up (this was a big deal a few weeks ago- he never wants to leave school!). if he follows the rules, he gets a privilege that he comes up with. most of the time its harmless, like watching an episode of yo gabba gabba while i am making dinner- so he thinks he earned something, and it actually keeps him busy on my end while i am trying to get something done while my husband is still at work. if he doesnt follow the “rules” he gets a consequence. the consequence is usually you CANT watch the show. i try not to make things so serious or negative. we have been turning a corner lately… and for that i am grateful. i know that if he doesnt take his nap at school, he will be cranky. no nap days are the days that i know we will end up with a melt down. it is hard to not get upset with him… i work all day and see him only and hour in the morning and 3 hours at night. the last thing i want to do is see him upset all night. so, i work with what i am dealt with. if its a no nap day, i avoid triggers and try to be low key and positive.
i do remember that from about 2-2.5 when he was having a breakdown, going over stuff, laying down rules, etc. instead of privileges, i used a lot of the “do you understand” line. Like, “if you hit a friend, you will not get/do/see X,Y,Z”. do you understand? then i would turn it on him- so what happens if you hit? and then he would answer X,Y,Z. for whatever reason, it worked with him… but like i said he has always been in to rules, directions,etc.
now, we have started with a smart mouth… that is something that i havent conquered yet! he thinks he is hilarious- he definitely has my husbands sense of humor. the only thing that works sort of is when i say that makes me sad, and that you would be sad if someone said that to you. if it carries on further than that, i shut down and stop speaking. he usually apologizes… but sometimes he still keeps it up. i dont know how else to get that to stop!! good luck 🙂 sorry for the long-winded answer as well!!
Great post. I agree that consistency is critical. So is follow through – if you say that there will be a consequence should the behaviour continue, it must happen. My son is 4 so it’s a bit different, but I find that once he’s in the midst of a tantrum, it’s too late – there is no reasoning, there is no talking. He just needs to calm down. But we’ve also noticed that if we sit down and explain that it doesn’t mean we don’t love him, and it doesn’t mean we’re not proud of him, we just don’t like how he behaved, he calms down faster. Not sure if that ‘logic’ could work with a 2.5 yr old, but worth a shot! GL to you!
The book “Unconditional Parenting” by Alfie Kohn completely changed the way I parent– I’ve done a total 360 on all my standard approaches. It really speaks to the drawbacks of rewards/punishments and offers alternative ideas.
Yea for the time out chair! And yea for Hudson actually being old enough to understand time outs- that helps a ton! Remember to give Hudson a warning before putting him in time out, to teach him to respond to your verbal cues and not just the time out itself. That SuperNanny REALLY knows her stuff. Many pediatricians that I used to work for actually recommended her methods. Also, a reminder like “okay, now can you say that in your inside voice?” can turn an escalating situation into an opportunity for praise.
Just remember the only right discipline method is the consistent one- that is the most important thing above all with discipline.
I am sorry you are going through this but I must say that it makes me feel better. I am having a very hard time with my VERY strong willed 17 month old. I don’t have any advice but thanks for making me feel like this is normal 🙂
Oh girl! I am so in the same season of life with my almost 2 year old. The tantrums have begun and I have been struggling with what discipline is the best for our son. We started to discipline Noah when he started biting. We would make him look us in the face (Duggar style) and tell him no no and get him to say he was sorry and give a kiss. Well, it didn’t stop the biting and he knew the routing so well that before I even asked him to apologize he was saying sorry and kissing me. I really didn’t think he was getting that what he was doing was wrong. So then we started popping his hand (lightly), but then he started to pop me back and then I had NO idea what to do.
Right now we are working on warning him with a firm voice. Usually I tell him that if he doesn’t mind I am going to spank his bottom. If he does it again I spank him on his bottom. I always pick him up afterwards and love on him. When he is done crying I attempt to talk to him about what happened and why he was spanked. Sometimes he listens and sometimes he is ready to just go and play with his toys, but I try to be consistent. I know consistency is key. And he has started to really listen when I give him his warning. Of course, there are still times when he falls to the ground and seems possessed 🙂
I think you are so right in trying to find the right discipline for your child. It really varies with each child and it sounds like you are doing an awesome job!! 🙂 I know sometimes (well most of the time) we doubt ourselves as mothers, but I wanted to encourage you and remind you that you ARE a great momma!!!
Love your blog, btw 😀
Its sounds awful, but a spoonful of diluted vinegar. It tastes gross but its not poison, plus its regulated by the FDA (so no harm like soap could be). It is a shock, to say HEY your behavior is not appropriate. Plus it works with younger ages when they are beyond the point of logic/compromise. Even if they are throwing a fit you can put a drop on your finger and touch their lips or tongue. It also helps distract the child on why they are flipping out. Try time out and if it seems to work, that’s great but the vinegar sometimes help nip it in the butt.
http://www.loveandlogic.com
I have two boys 3 and 5. I like to say that I’m old fashioned in my disciplining style. My parents raised 5 children and spanked us whenever they felt it was necessary. We all grew up to be happy, healthy adults. I laugh when people call their children “strong willed”. In the old days, they were called spoiled brats. I believe that’s what’s wrong with our society. Too many parents out there don’t spank their children. That’s why they act up and throw temper tantrums. When I was a child, if I acted up.. I would get spanked.. And I knew not to misbehave. I listened extremely well because of it. So, I think spanking is perfectly fine because you can’t have your child(ren) walking all over you.
I loved Rachel’s comment about her friend “She told me that she recently had to modify this system, as the children got very very upset when marbles were taken away, so she bought two different color marbles, one of which was “good” and one of which was “bad”, and would take away “bad” marbles for good behaviour until there were no more “bad” marbles left. REALLY? Modify the discipline to suit the child?! THAT is what’s wrong with parents these days!
I have a 2yr old and a 7mo old and some days it feels like all I do all day is discipline the 2yr old! We pop her on the hand but we learned early on that it has to be a firm pop…a little one doesn’t faze her at all! When she’s doing something wrong I first tell her no and if she doesn’t listen I then tell her if she doesn’t stop she’s going to get her hand popped (or if she’s throwing a toy I’ll tell her I’m going take the toy away for x amount of time…usually the rest of the day) and then if the behavior persists I do what I said…I think it’s important at this age to consistently remind them of hte consequences of their actions and it’s VERY important to be follow through on what you say…I personally feel that this is the foundation of a good parent-child relationship…they learn that they can depend on you to do what you say – good or bad.
When my daughter has “meltdown moments” (usually due to no nap and often occuring right before dinner) I offer her a distraction (coloring, reading a book, etc) and ask if there’s something I can do for her (usually there’s not…she’s screaming just because) and then if it doesn’t stop I make her go to her room until she’s done crying and she picked up on that pretty quick and sometimes when she’s melting down she’ll just go to her room without me having to say anything! I’m a firm believer that sometimes you just need to cry or yell and get it out in order to feel better…the rest of the family just shouldn’t have to suffer!
I have a very independent and strong willed child and I’ve found that our best days are days where I give her lots of jobs to do. She wants to be a helper. I try to find things for her to do around the house (she loves to sweep the floors with her little broom for instance) that make her feel important and grownup.
As far as rewards I try to mostly do verbal rewards (lots of praise for good behavior) but every once in a while I’ll give her a random special treat (we’ll go get frozen yogurt or she’ll get cookies after dinner) and tell her that it’s because she’s been such a good listener or helper.
One other thing I’ve tried that seems to help is spending alone time with her. If she’s going through a really horrible phase I’ll get a babysitter for the baby and I’ll take the 2 yr old to the zoo or edventure or the park and we have time where I can focus all my attention on her and I have a lot more patience because I’m not having to worry about what the baby’s doing or what the baby needs.
Truman is also very social and we found that putting us in timeout is much more effective with him. When he’s throwing a tantrum, I (or his dad) walk away. We sometimes leave the room, sometimes we stay but stop interacting with him. Either way it seems to work. After a few minutes he calms down and wants to act better to get our attention.
When we do put Truman in timeout it has to last at least five minutes (even though he’s almost exactly Hudson’s age). Two or three minutes is long enough for him to calm down, but not move on. Five to ten minutes is long enough for him to calm down and move on. The moving on is key for him, otherwise when timeout if over he’s fine for a minute and then goes right back to mad/sad/raving lunatic.
1-2-3 Magic is also working for us. How long did you stick with it? It took about ten days for the whole thing to sink into his head. He actually got worse before he got better while he tested to see if we were serious with all the counting. But once he knew we weren’t bluffing it really worked.
I am sure you have read this book, but another mom recommended it, and I really liked it. I thought it was a unique book from a christian point of view. http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/dont-make-me-count-to-three-ginger-plowman/1030689956?r=1&ean=2940013276222&cm_mmc=Google+Product+Search-_-Q000000630-_-Dont+Make+Me+Count+to+Three-_-2940013276222
you can google “don’t make me count to three, by Ginger Plowman”, and it brings up a bunch of ways to purchase it or you can order it for a kindle or nook. I know there are 8 millions ways to discipline your child and it has to work for the whole family, but I liked this book, and thought you might too… in all your spare time! ha! 🙂
I have nothing to contribute – my daugther is 11 months so we are *just* getting into that phase. But I did read Ted Tripp’s “Shepherding a Child’s Heart” and I really liked it. He really emphasizes the Biblical truth’s behind firm discipline, but also emphasizes that we must communicate with our children and help them to understand that discipline is part of God’s plan to teach us to be like himself. He also emphasizes that the important thing in discipline is not obtaining good behavior (though that is nice), but reaching the HEART of the child – teaching the child’s heart to love God and His goodness, and to exhibit that through behavior.
It sounds like you are doing the right thing – trying different methods and searching for ways to help Hudson be his best little self! I would love to hear about what worked and what didn’t as time goes on! I think time-outs might be good for our little one, as she is super social as well!
Hey girl!
I struggle with consistency disciplining Ruder all the time. He got a baby sister in Sept, turned 3 in Nov and here we are now, at odds with one another more days than not. I’d heard terrible THREES were worse than twos and I get it now. Where timeouts and spankings worked before, I find myself tested even more now than ever before. And then I question if it deserves a timeout, a spanking or both. Oh boy is it hard somedays. But he’s also gotten better with consistency and a rewards chart, but it’s just a continuous battle to stay with it 100% all the time.
I had to laugh when you said Hudson screams then runs around like a tyrant. Total Ryder behavior. I have the sweetest boy who is a great listener, so I know he is just pushing his limits with me right now. It’s encouraging to know I’m not alone, and from all the other comments this is just what being a strong willed toddler is all about. I joke w my husband that Ryder will be a great lawyer, considering all the negotiating he does ha!
Thanks for the encouragement 🙂
Laura
ugh I am terrified about disciplining Peanut. She’s just entering the toddler age and you can already tell that she is gong to be a very defiant kid – she laughs when I tell her no, and whatever I seem to dislike, she automatically repeats, all the while giggling.
Consistency is KEY! All children rely on knowing what to expect….that’s a safer place….but if you are not consistent – they don’t know what to expect. Don’t threaten a time out (and I’m not saying you do!) and not follow through with it. I’ve totally been there with a 2 year old and a newborn (now they are 10 and 12) and consistency and follow through have really, really developed them to be really good, well behaved kids (well, most of the time)…. I’m so proud of the fact that people tell me how well behaved they are…….but it’s work people – for all of us. My husband thankfully and I are completely on the same page in terms of discipline and consistency. If by chance we don’t agree, we discuss it later, not in front of the boys.
The other thing is when you’re angry (and WE’VE ALL BEEN THERE!) bend down and get on their level – it will help with you lowering your stress and they will be taken off guard…..and tell them why you are so unhappy with their behavior and what’s going to happen if it continues. Then follow through if they follow through.
I can remember times I’ve sat over my kids during timeout to ensure they stayed in their spot. It was terrible……..but now, I’m so happy at the results I see…….
Good luck!
I can relate to this post. I’ve been away from blogging/Twitter lately but decided to take a minute today to catch up on a few of my faves.
Consistency – that’s what I’ve found works with Amelia. So I think you’re right on with that. We’ve found that her knowing the consequences will always be the same is key and believe that gives her security as well. I can’t imagine being a child and never knowing if I do “THIS” this time, what will happen? Time out, spanking, screaming…some kids don’t know what their parents are going to do and that breaks my heart. There are spanking offenses and time-out offenses in our home and we speak to her on her level with a soft voice and I’m amazed at how well she responds. Yes, there are tears, but she always responds with an I’m sorry and we can tell we’ve broken a little more of that strong will which will mold her into an obedient child. And not just obedient to us but to God.
Hang in there, Mama. This post encouraged my heart to keep doing what I’m doing…nice to know I’m not alone in the discipline battle.
This has just started at our house! Its is LOUD! and exhausting because it requires consistency and my boy is nothing if not driven! ha At home it is working well., out in public however, I am still practicing these time outs and it is embarrassing and exhausting. He screamed SO LOUD in Joanne’s fabrics the other day that he almost brought the roof down. I know all those women were thinking I should shave taken him home, but I didn’t want to “reward” his bad behavior so we stuck it out screams and all and I was SWEATING when I got to the car. So I feel ya! Sounds like you are doing great. I keep reminding myself that no matter how hard it seems now it will be MUCH harder later on if we don’t succeed!