I’ve got a little bit of “mom guilt” going against me today. Hayes had his 9 month well check-up yesterday. It was a normal visit. He got weighed and measured. He is thriving and gaining weight. He’s in the 85th percentile for weight and 90th percentile for height. He’s a big boy!
But before the appointment, you have to fill out this developmental questionnaire. They ask very specific questions such as…
Does your baby look for a toy if you hide it under a blanket?
Does your baby take one toy in each hand and clap them together?
Does your baby make at least three different consonant sounds and/or mimic you when you talk to him?
Does your baby pass one toy from one hand to the other?
I’m reading these questions and I remembered back to Hudson’s appointments. I’d take that check list and put big, proud check marks in every single box. Hudson could do it all! He could do it all with his eyes closed. He could name all of the animals, tell you what color they are, and then tell you what sound they make! (Okay, that’s a stretch.) We had mastered those things when he was 7 months old. Next!
But I was reading all of these questions for Hayes and I realized that I had no idea what the answer was for most of these things. Umm… I don’t know know if he looks for a toy under a blanket. I’ve never tried that activity! He doesn’t clap his hands, so I don’t think he claps two toys together, but I’ve never thought to look. What has happened to me? I was such an over-achieving mommy.
All I know is that when Hayes gets a toy, he takes it and puts it into his slobbery mouth. He does that with anything we give him!
Hayes really crawls now. He’s been kind of crawling and trying for a couple of months, but he does finally crawl. He pulls up, he eats food with his fingers and he tries to use a sippy cup. But he hasn’t mastered any of these things.
I haven’t read What To Expect The First Year at all since Hayes was born. With Hudson, I was ready and eager to make sure that he reached every single milestone and he did it first.
In some ways, this says that I’m a comfortable mommy. Hayes is my second baby and I’m more comfortable with what he’s doing than I was with Hudson. I’m in less of a hurry than I was with Hudson. And Hayes is just much more relaxed and easy-going than Hudson was.
When we sit down on the floor to play, it’s Hudson, Hayes, and me. And Hudson usually runs the show. He talks, he sings, he dictates what we play with and also very kindly speaks for Hayes. He asks Hayes if he wants a specific toy. He tells Hayes what the cow says and what color the cow is.
But looking at all of these things on a list, I realized that I haven’t been as intentional with Hayes as I should be. I admitted to the pediatrician that I hadn’t even considered some of these things until I saw them on the form.
I’m going to give myself a little bit of grace, but I’ve also got a bit of a plan for some activities that just Hayes and I will do together. His lifestyle is different than Hudson’s was. We spend about an hour total every morning taking Hudson to school and picking Hudson up for school. Hayes is adaptable. But Hudson and I had so much uninterrupted time together when he was a baby.
Hudson watched Baby Einstein every morning while I got dressed. Now, I get up way before Hudson and Hayes get up so I’m already dressed when they wake up and I can focus on getting them fed and dressed. There’s not time for Baby Einstein videos first thing in the morning. Sad.
We’ve spent the last 9 months in survival mode, it seems. And I also think I’m in complete denial that Hayes is 9 months old. Isn’t he still just a teeny tiny infant? Where in the world has the time gone?
The thing I need to remember is that I will not win any awards if my child is the one that reaches a milestone first. And I need to remember that birth order has so much to do with these things. I’m thankful that Hayes is a laid back baby because it has helped me be more of a laid back mommy. We cuddle more and giggle more. Our pediatrician has been really encouraging to me and helped me realize that it’s all normal. (But only after she scared the bejeezus out of me!)
But I want to make sure that I’m giving Hayes as much of a chance as I gave Hudson. And maybe being this relaxed, laid back, cuddly baby will help him be a laid back, compassionate adult.
Moms with two or more kids, please chime in!
I had to laugh as I read it because I could totally relate! My baby is only a about 3 weeks younger than Hayes, and my older daughter is just 25 months. I have definitely been in survival mode too! I’m so glad you reminded me of those questions. Fortunately we have a couple of weeks before Caroline’s 9 month appointment, so I’ll have to TRY to remember to watch to see if she does those things. I have no clue!
I think all the time about how different things are for Caroline than they were for Kate. The only time I get one on one with her is first thing in the morning. I wake her up 30 minutes before Kate, and that’s my only time with just her. The rest of the day seems like Kate (as the active 2 year old) gets most of the attention. Sad, but normal, I think!
Don’t beat yourself up, what you are describing is totally normal! I think lots of mothers feel the same way you do, I’m sure they appreciate your candor. You are a great mommy to BOTH of your precious boys.
I’ve done the same thing. Caedmon rolled both ways at 4 months – and kept on going. By 10 months he was not only pulling up, but cruising. Honor COULD roll at 5 months, but chose not to do it on a regular basis until 8 1/2 months. And now at 10 months, she’s just starting to really crawl and pull up. I worried . I felt guilty. And then I realized that while yes, things were different for her, SHE was also different. She was content to sit and play, whereas Caedmon never was – he wanted to move! I’ve tried to take comparisons between them with a grain of salt – knowing that their differences are caused by many things. And since she’s happy, healthy, and developing normally, I shouldn’t beat myself up about it! You’re doing a great job – keep it up!
You’ll get a kick out of this–because my brain is now mush and I have no recollection whatsoever of when my first did anything, I find myself checking your and Nina’s monthly updates to see what your boys were doing so that I know if mine is on track! My girl is almost 3 and boy is 5 months and our life is completely bananas- busy, loud, hectic- and I often feel sad that Davis doesn’t get alone time w/ me the way Madelyn did. I think making an effort to include some of that one on one time is so important, because if you don’t make a conscious effort it will never happen in the rush of the day to day. Thanks for the reminder 🙂
I remember reading some questions at the doctors office like you mentioned. One was something about drawing with crayons and I thought to myself, “I supposed he could do that if I actually let him use them!” 🙂
This sounds so familiar to my life as well. It is so different with the second! My boys are just about a year older than yours. Although we have spent much less 1:1 time per se with our second, I see how much he learns from interacting with his bigger brother and it seems like it is more than he can learn from us! I love watching them teach each other things and think you will see more and more of that that too. I also read this post a while back and really enjoyed it. Hope you do too.
http://momastery.com/blog/2012/01/29/one-two-three-4/
My two boys were SO different in their development! My first was much for vocal and inquisitive whereas my second is much more physical and active. They are still very much this way and I think a lot of it has to do simply with the personalities we are born with!
Have your read The Birth Order book? It gives great insight into our birth order and being a second born, middle child myself, I relate to a lot of the “second child syndrome.”
I have a 4 year old daughter and a 2 year old son. He’ll be 3 two days before Hudson turns three. My daughter was crawling at 5 months, walking at 7 months & talking a lot by 1. My son is laid back and lazy. He was a large little guy with a huge head. It was hard for him to crawl due to his head being so heavy to hold up. He talks but is just starting to put sentences together. He’s a little behind but nothing major. It’s definitely different the second time around exspecialy with kids that are night and day. I agree about being a more comfortable mommy. I’m not on edge about everything and always wondering if he’s on time with his milestones. I’ve come to realize that he has his own right time and he’s not his sister. Now that they are bigger she’s more laid back and he’s bouncing off the walls. It’s a fun switch and I’m getting to spend more one on one time with him while she does more independent big kid stuff.
Your doing great and I’m sure Hayes is right where he should be.
This has been on my mind so much lately with a 3.5 year old and a 7 month old. We are definitely (STILL) in survival mode around here! My youngest is NOT laid back and easy-going, but her older sister was. I have felt so guilty for not spending as much one-on-one time with her and especially for comparing them! Maybe my oldest cried this much, but I had way more time to spend comforting her and trying to figure out what’s wrong! #2 has to fuss a bit more than #1 ever did.
Oh My goodness YES! I feel that way all of the time! Austin just turned 3 last month and I have a 5 1/2 month old named Asher. So many times I feel like Asher is getting the raw end of the deal! Austin has preschool three days a week and I thought, for sure I will be able to spend time with Asher while brother is in school…YEAH RIGHT!! By the time I drop him off, get back home, nurse Asher, I have to turn right back around and pick up Austin…Then there is lunch, naps (again yeah right) dinner, baths and then bed! Hello!!! Where did the day go??? Did Asher do anything but play on his play mat and in his bouncer? I never feel like I am a good enough mom the second time around!! I just hope I am not scaring him for life! Hang in there, I know I am dangling from a thread some days!!
This makes me sad.. Sad you feel guilty, sad we all as Mothers with more than one child feel this way. I have major mommy guilt about lots of things. I have four kids and I’m often asked how do I possibly find time for each one of my children. I guess that’s why I never go to bed before 2am so I can spend time with them and then do everything that needs to be done after they are in bed asleep. My 3rd child had a lot of one on one time like the first because his older siblings were in school and I was able to give it to him. Now that the fourth is here I worry is her medical issues somethings I could of prevented. Did I do this? But the answer I’ve been told over & over is no it’s not.. But as Mother’s we worry and we take the blame and we carry the guilt.. I know Hayes is a smart little cookie because you are a good mother. We all can see how good of a Mother you are from reading your blog/twitter and how much you care.. I hope you get to where you want to be cause I know that will make you feel at more ease.. I’ll be praying for you all.. 🙂
oh, I am so there with you! But… my youngest is now 1.5 and I can start to see things that she is doing earlier than her big sister (especially in vocabulary and play patterns) because she has taken in such much more by being number 2. I definitely think there is a re-focus with a second child that we tend to stick with the more lovey and cuddly times too! It’s gotta be a totally normal process… and I’ll be the first to admit that there are things with my 2nd that would have already been addressed with my first (like using a fork always… instead of just when she is patient enough to). I am now having the great “beginning potty training and crib to toddler bed” debate… with my first, these were such milestone events that we poured effort into, and were anxious for any sign that she was ready.
But oh yes, the personality differences! My 2nd one is a totally different ballgame and I think that is the major influence on my being a “lower key” momma the second go around too!
I can relate to this already. My oldest just turned 3 and my youngest is 5 months, and I’ve always vowed to do just as much for baby #2 as I did for my oldest…. yet it’s so, so, SO challenging. I do have some one-on-one time with my youngest while my oldest is at school, but that’s only 2 days a week for half a day and part of that time my baby is napping. My ideas so far (because I’ve already felt the guilt and worry that my poor second child is being deprived) include maximizing the time before naps when it’s just the two of us (to sing to him, read him books, etc), maximizing our one-on-one time while my oldest is at preschool, and having my oldest be my “helper” when we play/interact with baby brother. He can teach him how to clap his hands, wave bye-bye, play peek-a-boo with him, or even hide a toy under a blanket! For me, I just want to be intentional with my seond born while also accepting that it’s okay for his life to look a little different than his older brother’s did at this age.
oh my goodness! i think every time i read your blog i get teary-eyed b/c i feel like i’m right there with you. i have a 4yr old Keziah and a 12mos old Gabriel. i also feel like we’ve been in survival mode for most of the past yr and often times i feel like i’m drowning. when our ped has asked me certain things about Gabe i’ve also had no idea if he could do them. he is also very happy and relaxed, which i’m so happy about! i often think about the one-on-one time that i had with Keziah (3.5yrs!) compared to what i get with Gabe and i miss that. not sure if it’s my daughter getting older or with the addition of #2 but the weight of parenting has hit me full force lately and i so badly don’t want to scew them up but i also know that with God’s help we will make it….just hope they dont’ remember all the times i’ve messed up;) keep up the good work, you’re a great mommy!
I only have one kid and when they asked me those questions I didn’t have the answer. Not because I don’t love my baby or play with him, but he too is very laid back and content. But now I definitely plan to try those things tonight when I get home! Ha!
Same boat! I have a 2 1/2 year old girl and (almost) 1-year-old boy. She was mastering things at 6 months that my little boy has yet to do. The darn sippy cup was a breeze to her, so much that she was using the straw ones at 7 mos. I cannot get him to quit playing with his. It’s definitely second child syndrome. I’ll think about it every now and then, and think—Oh, darn, we need to work with him on this–he’s BEHIND! It’s even worse when I go to pick him up at daycare and all of the first born children in there are way ahead of him. I guess i have to laugh about it, or I’d cry!!! He’ll get there, I know this, but I was the EXACT same way with my first as you were with Hudson and teh EXACT same way with my second as you are with Hayes. The most important–they’re HEALTHY! And they have loving families and big siblings that love them dearly! I love seeing my two interact together. I look at them and think, “THAT is why we have two kids!”
Love your blog 🙂
Well, obviously I have no mom advice to give you, but I was thinking as I was reading this that maybe you could look into a portable DVD player for the trips to and from CLT to play Baby Einstein? 🙂
I am so thankful I read this today. I was definitely beating myself up recently for our 4 month old not being at the same developmental stage as my now 2 year old was at that stage. I am working mom and with 2 kids and work I can barely breathe and I feel like my 4 month old is getting the short end of the stick. I am glad I am not alone!
I am the mother of a 6 year old girl and a 4 year old boy. Elizabeth Rose crawled late, walked late and talked late. I was a total head case! Every other child seemed to be ahead of her. I remember crying, wondering if she had a learning disability. My husband laughed, “She’s fine. Just wait. She’s taking everything in before she actually moves ahead.” (and then he would proceed to tell me to chill out) He was right. She is FINE. She is at the top of her class and is exceptionally bright. But she is not the kid who will try something without researching it. She is not fearless. She weighs the pros, cons and then decides for herself. I wish I hadn’t wasted my time worrying. During all of this, poor Pete was lost in translation. I had a 2 year old and a newborn so I just survived that first year with two. I felt the same guilt you are talking about. Elizabeth Rose ran the show. She got to go to ballet, gymnastics, playgroups, etc. Pete was always just along for the ride….until kindergarten. Once Elizabeth Rose went to school 5 days a week, all of a sudden Pete and I started doing a ton of fun things together. And now he is the only child M-F 8-3:30. It’s a total reversal. Instead of playgroups and ballet, we go to the library, take golf lessons, have dates at Starbucks and cook together. All of this is to say, don’t worry about Hayes. He will have his time as your only child or (your oldest child at home if you have more children) once Hudson starts kindergarten. And he will be fine.
I didn’t even realize I am doing (or not doing) the same things you describe until I read this post! I was an obsessed maniac with Jax (who is now 4) but with Aubree (9 months) I never check to see if she is on schedule with milestones! I am much more relaxed and to be honest, first time things are still exciting but not as exciting as when Jax first did them. That is sad but true, unfortunately. I think we are just more laid back and not as scared and nervous as the first time around. Our poor second children:( But I know how you feel. It’s just life I guess! You are a great mom so no worries:)
I think this is totally normal. Those questions are just to make sure they are developing normally. I never realized that K didn’t clap until I read that list at our appt. he wasn’t interested but he was doing other things that aren’t even on the list. I’m sure Hayes is just perfect and he won’t be scarred by being the younger sibling. It’s all he knows and he will learn by mimicking hudson and their interaction.
I actually think it is GOOD that your younger one doesn’t watch Baby Einstein!
Second kids have social skills that are harder to come by for first kids, simply because their “world” doesn’t consist of just adults. They learn in a different way from their siblings.
Oh man, I seriously could have written this myself.
I cried myself to sleep the night of my 2nd son’s first birthday, feeling like I had completely failed him the first year. I remember telling my husband “I don’t even know what HE likes or who HE is because Jaxon (our oldest) dictates everything we do all day long.”
I have no advice because I’m in the same boat, but just know you’re not alone. Also, coming from a 2nd child myself, I don’t know or remember or feel any less loved than my older brother… you know?
i understand!!! my daughter is 4 and my son is 6 months. With my daughter i knew EVERYTHING she did, was doing, was getting ready to do and what she would do within the next months! 😉 with my son… uh… hmm… shouldn’t he be sitting up by now? teething? oh no!! i should have already started him on baby food! 🙂 ha! it’s just a totally different ball game with #2! But, i do feel like i’m way more “in tune” with the needs of my 2nd baby. Whereas with my first, i would read the books to make sure what i knew was what i needed to know. THanks for writing this post! I can relate!!!
Totally agree with you on this post! Having two kids is hard! I feel like so much of our day is “survival mode.” I absolutely know what you mean. And there is so little alone time with my youngest. When our first was born, every minute of every day was devoted to him and how smart/awesome/adorable he was. Now we have to split our time in two, and it is hard.
I’m sitting here at work smiling and nodding my head. If anyone walks in on me right now they are going to think I’m nuts but that is not a new development. I can relate. My baby will be 11 months next year and while she is a mess and into EVERYTHING, I also found myself thinking really hard about the questionnaire at her last appointment and realized that well I spend so much time just trying to figure out this mom to two thing that I have not paid attention to the milestones this time around. My only resolution to myself this year is to kick some of this guilt to the curb and just love so I try not worry about it too much, make time for myself, my husband and my kids (as individuals) and just enjoy these moments. Of course in 5 weeks when I’m at the doctor for her one year check, I will probably have to fight to not have that guilt wash over me again.
So I guess I’m only saying what everyone else is saying…you are not alone, there are mom’s that have already crossed this bridge and other’s that cross it after us.
Right there with you Erin! We had Logan’s 9 month check up last week and the same thing went through my mind. I had to give it some thought before answering those questions but I do believe for those things that he may not be doing because we haven’t “worked” on them, he is doing so much more. He is feeding off of his Big Brother and learning lots from him. So I guess it is a give and take! Thanks for the post, always love knowing that I’m not the only one thinking these things.
ha! just wait until you have your third! 😉
Don’t be so hard on yourself! You spend time with them and Hayes seems perfectly happy. They all learn eventually on their own time.
My pediatrician would be proud of you for no videos for Hayes- he always tells me to keep the TV off and no videos.
Shoot we aren’t even really on a schedule yet and Connor just turned 11 weeks old. He just goes with the flow as I cart Lauren around to her preschool and activities. I love the laid back attitude. It’s much more relaxing 🙂
I feel the same way- I was so on top of everything the first go around and then the second time around I took things more in stride, definitely don’t beat yourself up over it because it is very normal from what I hear, but know that you are doing such a phenomenal job raising two boys and that’s what is most important!
I have had the same experiences with my two girls, but I actually view it in the opposite way – I feel badly for my oldest that I was so “on” her to learn new things. The 2nd kid is free to just “be”. There are pros and cons to each place in the birth order. The thing I remind myself most often is that our kids come from loving families and that alone puts them so far ahead of the game. In the end the milestones don’t matter all that much! (And I second the suggestion of letting Hayes watch Baby Einstein in the car. Two birds, one stone!)
ahhh! I can so relate to this! I have two little girls close in age to your little boys {3 and 8 months} and at the babys last well baby I was looking at the same list and realized I didn’t know any of the answers! So I was sitting in the waiting room and dropping pieces of tissue on the ground conducting some lame experiments in hopes of getting somewhat of an answer. It was a disaster.
I never comment, but I’ve read your blog for a couple of years, and I wanted to chime in here. I’m pregnant with #4 right now, and all I can say is, wait till #3! Haha! My third was the slowest to achieve most all of the milestones (except talking. She got that down fast 😉 She’s 18 months and still doesn’t choose to walk much!!!! But she has a 5yo sister and 3yo brother who do everything for her, so why bother I guess…?
Hayes might not have the undivided attention that Hudson has, but think about this – he has one more person playing with him and loving on him than Hudson did too: Hudson himself. Whenever I feel guilty that I don’t do XYZ with Paisley, I look over at her and see both older kids on the floor laughing and tickling her, talking to her, etc., and I realize there’s something special those younger kids get that the oldest doesn’t. It all evens out 🙂 Grace is good, mama! You are a great mama and Hayes isn’t deprived at all!! Go ahead and make a plan – that’s great, but don’t forget that Hayes is getting stuff you couldn’t give Hudson either.
Can you give me recommendations for an obgyn doctor in Columbia? Please!v? Thanks 🙂
So I only have one kiddo, but I think kids are going to reach milestones when they’re ready. Regardless of what we do or don’t do. I worked a lot with E, but most things she just got, whether I was pushing it or not. And since Hayes is so much more laid back, he may enjoy watching more whereas Hudson enjoyed doing.
All of that to say, I think you’re an excellent Mom. You do what you can with what you have. Both boys are excellent kiddos. There should be a spot on that form where you can check that off 🙂
This is totally normal! And a good thing, I might add! I have three kids – Charlotte (6), Frances (who is 20 months behind at age 4), and Robert (14 months). I have been in survival mode many, many times (pregnancy #2 & 3 with morning sickness and bed rest times two for a total of 9 weeks). You just do the best you can and have to call it a day. I was so sick with #3, that I put food (bologna, turkey, cheese…things that were easy to eat and didn’t require my help) on the lowest shelf so my oldest could feed her and her sister!
I was the same way with #1 – on top of her milestones, checking them off one by one. My second, no clue if she was on target, and #3 HA! Yeah, what milestones?
But I will say this, my #2 is a spitfire and runs circles around her big sister in a lot of things (much to her big sister’s dismay), and #3 can play by himself for hours on end with no entertainment needed. He is so happy to just explore his world!
Never fear, my friend! It’s all good! You’re in GREAT company!!!!!
Remind me to tell you a funny story next time I see you. I don’t want to post it on here because I might lose my “mother of the year” title. 😉
XO
CTB
If you can check mark the box that says “Your child knows he is loved by his mommy and daddy” then that is all that matters.
I have a 3, a 2, and a 1 year old… I’m all about giving myself grace 🙂 Mommies need to be easier on themselves.
I know that you’re feeling bad that Hayes is getting the “second child” treatment, but I’ve also heard it said that we should treat first children as though they were second children! I’ve actually reminded myself of this when I’m feeling bad about not paying enough attention to Lauren (my first and only, so far). My thinking is: Kids don’t really need to be constantly paid attention to — in fact, learning that you’re not the center of the universe, and learning how to entertain yourself are some of life’s best lessons! I’m hoping to have three or four kids, and I know for sure that kids three and four aren’t going to get nearly the attention that Lauren does. But I don’t think that’s a bad thing — I think it’s great they will learn independence! (Plus they get to have the friendship of their siblings from Day 1 – and that’s something first kids don’t get!)
just another perspective – you’re a great mom – so don’t feel bad!
3 kids. Ages 6, 5, and 2. I fill out medical history on them and can’t remember who has had
pneumonia, who had a tonsillectomy, etc. I don’t know when their birthdays are unless I sit and think about it for a minute. I call Caroline by Sarah’s name, Jack by Caroline’s name, etc. I fear getting a dog because that’s just another name to confuse me. But they are loved and each is learning very on that he/she shares this world with other people who are just as important to me. I think that’s a healthy lesson.
I have so much Mommy guilt with my second one. My son sounds a lot like Hudson – he met milestones very quickly (except walking – 13 months), was one of the larger boys and was very inquisitive. My daughter on the other hand has been a pretty big handful. She has been very tiny for her age, constantly been behind on anything the doctors ask of me. I used to look forward to check-ups with my son, now I dread them with my daughter as I think “what will be wrong this time?” She didn’t walk until crawl until 11 months, walk until 17 months. Now she is getting not only developmental help, but also a speech therapist as she isn’t talking either. All I want to hear at a doctor’s visit is that she is doing ok!
I don’t have 2 yet, but I can say that I experience this a lot with Fenn. I don’t think it has as much to do with us moms, as with their laid back personalities! SO far that has been ok for us. He does things at his own pace and it has been fine. Hayes sure is precious!
wouldn’t it be great if they had a seperate questionnaire for second (or later) children and included questions about things you *routinely* observed as a mom of two (or more). how about: how adaptable is your baby when you are getting the family up and out the door? OR does your baby make eye contact with and accept toys given to them by their sibling? – just riffing here and i’m not a mom, so these are silly questions, but my point is: hayes has a completely different world than hudson did and maybe it’s okay not to try to replicate hudson’s.
i’m the youngest of six and know that i benefitted from trying to keep up with my siblings. i swam sooner, learned to ride a bike sooner and ran faster..all because i wanted to “go too!” AND because i had other kids to observe. i know that my parents were more relaxed too…got to wear jeans to school – a fact that my siblings never let me forget 🙂
i think the questions should be different, not you! you’re an amazing mom!
I don’t know about chiming in or even words of wisdom, but I can definitely relate. We had my son’s 9 month appointment, and I felt the same way. I found myself looking at my husband with the “I don’t know” look on my face, and extreme embarassment overcame me. My daughter has always done everything perfectly, trying only once, and way above normal. Here’s my sweet, precious son, who is an absolute doll, laid back, almost “perfect,” yet, I felt like a complete failure at his appointment. It hurts my heart so badly to know that he doesn’t have my undivided attention like his sister did. But at the same time, she isn’t laid back at all, can’t play by herself, and demands attention – this may be a good thing that my son can play so well by himself!
I have some of the same worries-I have a daughter who will be 3 in April and I’m expecting TWINS in August. I just know I won’t be able to give them the attention that I gave her. That is one of my biggest concerns.
I totally get this. My second child is now 2, but the whole experience has been different and I am a lot more relaxed this time around.