Motherhood continues to humble me and put me in my place.
A couple of weeks ago, I was at my wits’ end. Hudson hadn’t napped in three days and I was frazzled. I felt awful and I looked tired. (Because I was tired.) But I felt badly about myself. Not because my son didn’t nap. I felt bad about myself because of the way I was reacting to him.
We were butting heads. I realize now that he was “escalating” in response to me. I was frustrated that he wasn’t napping. It wasn’t so bad during the time that he was supposed to be napping, but it was bad about an hour before bed time. He wasn’t obeying me. He wasn’t listening to me. And there just a big disconnect.
The biggest mistake I made was losing my patience. I consider this to be my biggest battle. And after I’d lose my patience and scold him, I’d spend the next three hours beating myself up and hating the person I was that day. I was frustrated, angry and just done. It was a horrible cycle and it was a horrible week for me. And I’m sure it was bad for Hudson, too.
The last day without a nap was a Thursday. On Thursday night, I prayed very specifically for Friday. I prayed for my attitude. I prayed that I would be full of optimism and creativity when thinking of ways to focus on Hudson and to do things to make Hudson feel loved and like he had my undivided attention.
I started thinking about why I was so upset that he didn’t nap. And I realized, of course, that all the reasons were selfish reasons. When he doesn’t nap, I can’t get anything done. The laundry doesn’t get folded. Dinner doesn’t get prepped. I can’t check emails, return phone calls, or sit down to write and update my blog and check Twitter. These things aren’t insignificant, but they’re not worth the reaction I had to losing a nap.
I prayed again as soon as I woke up on Friday morning. I didn’t want a repeat of Thursday and I wanted us to have a good day. I know that toddlers can be very hard to please, but I realized that Hudson was responding to me and my busyness. I felt extreme guilt for wanting to get him tucked in for his nap as soon as possible so I could rush off and use the next two hours to do things I wanted to do. I know it’s normal to crave those quiet hours to ourselves, but I’m telling you, this wasn’t normal.
Friday morning, I deleted Twitter and Facebook from my phone to remove the temptation to check in throughout the day. I didn’t want anything to make Hudson feel like he had to “act out” to get my attention.
That day was a fun day. We went to Little Gym, like we do every Friday, and we started a new Friday tradition of going to Chick-fil-A and taking it to the park for a picnic lunch. We had so much fun. He followed directions at Little Gym and he played hard at the park. (Hayes slept in his stroller at the park.)
When we got home, he asked to wash his hands and then he told me he was ready for his nap.
I tucked him in and laid down beside him. He dozed off within five minutes.
That day was the start of something new. Sure, things are a challenge. And they’re not perfect. And just because we had a great day, things won’t always be great. But I’ve noticed a change in myself since then- and a change in Hudson as a result. All I can control is my reaction to my children.
I have one chance with each of them. I want to be proud of how I did my “job” every day. I want to feel satisfied and I want to know that I did all I could to show them how much I love them.
It’s important to me to keep up with my home and get the things done that I need to get done, but I don’t want to run a tight ship. My relationship with my children and their happiness should always come first.
*The adorable fish bowl shirt and check pants that Hudson is wearing are from She She Made. (Hayes has a custom made long all, too, but he goes through 3 outfits a day and spit up right before I took his picture.) Ashley has become a dear friend of mine and creates the cutest things for boys and girls. I love these outfits she made for my boys. She is always updating her online store, so check it out! And follow She She Made on Facebook.
Beautiful post, Erin. One book I think you would love to help reinforce your “mindful parenting” resolution is “How To Really Love Your Child” by Dr. Ross Campbell. I hope you find it as meaningful as I have!
wow – this was me yesterday. The baby didn’t sleep at all and my patience was gone. I pray daily for patience and am so glad we are off to a much better start today. Hope you have a great week!
A few months ago I found myself fighting the same battle. I work outside the home, but I found myself dreading every evening because Connor was cranky and needy. One night as I was praying, it was like something just clicked – he needed more of my attention in the evenings (duh, right?). I had been focused on fixing a nice dinner, keeping up with laundry, dishes, etc in the evenings and not paying enough attention to him. The next morning I told my husband that we were having take out for the rest of the week as a break for me and for Connor. That evening was SO much more enjoyable. I’m not proud of my actions before that evening, I was failing him. But I’m proud that we broke the viscious cycle and started anew. It was the best decision I had made in months. Connor was so much happier and honestly, so was I. Parenting is so, so hard (contrary to what I thought before I had a baby) and I thank you for your honesty!
Amelia gets so much of my attention since she’s the only child, but I already worry about how I will manage two little ones (come next month) and continue to give her the time she needs from me. Alex and I talk about this a lot. I have no doubt it will mean less time on computer/phone and there will always be laundry to fold. This post reminds me once again that our time with them as little ones really does pass so quickly…I don’t want to look back and realize I spent most of it on FB or Twitter. Thank you for sharing your heart…you’re a wonderful Mama and this was a great post.
Praying you have a great week with your sweet boys.
what an honest and vulnerable post! I went to an amazing women’s conference this weekend and one of the speakers said when dealing with her children & husband to “pursue people, not perfection”. She used the example of playing a game of candyland vs. the counters being spotless..or engaging in conversation with her husband vs. folding laundry. I deal with perfectionism tendencies and so this really spoke to me. it is OK if everything isn’t 100% tidy all the time…there are clothes in the baskets waiting to be folded – the pursuit of the people God has put in our lives is more important than these things.
And then I read this post: http://www.thetinytwig.com/2012/02/02/make-room-for/ which was confirmation!
You’re a great mom Erin and thank you for opening your heart to us!
Perfect timing for this post. It was such a great reminder for me!
Oh wow. this is powerful! I am a child of a parent who never put his phone down (my dad has always had his own business and was always on call) and I stress the no phone rule when we’re with Peanut. It doesn’t always work well….I hope we can “quit” the iPhone by the time she’s a toddler (which is…well…now).
On the other hand, have you ever read (I don’t know if you’re into this or not) Happiest Toddler on the Block? I’m half way through and it’s really given me insight. Especially on the whole “don’t lose your cool” front.
I am so, so proud of you. I mean that. Love you!
Erin, thank you for posting this! I was just curious, did you ever get frustrated with Hudson or Hayes as an infant? Oliver is only 7 weeks old and I find myself losing my patience sometimes and I feel like such a bad mom. I know this is all a learning curve. Thank you so much for keeping it real for all of us. I really do feel better knowing that I’m not alone.
my son, sawyer, and hudson were born within weeks of each other. we experienced the same this past week, and it was as if i had written this post myself. sawyer is napping again, and i have gained some refreshing patience. you are not alone, girl. thanks for sharing.
Erin- I feel like I could have written this post myself! Toddlers are so hard! I am constantly trying to be patient with mine and then also beating myself up when I lose my patience. It’s tough! I am glad I’m not the only one. Then add an infant on top of that and it can be really rough!
Jackie
I love your attitude and your continued efforts to grow and improve yourself. We could all serve to do the same. You are truly inspiring. Oh, and needless to say, I think you are a FANTASTIC mom. Truly.
Definitely EXACTLY what I needed to hear this morning, after getting totally fed up with my three year old before MDO. I read your blog often and want to thank you for letting me know I am not alone in my struggles, FAILURES, and joy as a mother!
Great post! I think all moms go through this. At least, I know I’ve experienced just what you wrote about.
Wonderful post Erin! I’ve been giving it some thought this weekend of removing Twitter/Facebook apps from my phone. I need to do a better job enjoying the moment without distractions.
What a great reminder. Seriously, it seems like the second I turn my back on my boys they start acting up. Last night I left my phone in another room and sat on the floor and just really played and interacted with them. They behaved perfectly!
I’ve come to realize that all they really want is my undivided attention. Admittedly, sometimes I get bored “playing” and want to interact with adults. But it’s not fair to them to be so distracted.
Good for you for deleting those distractions from your phone.
We are going through the same things right now in our house with a toddler. I am loosing my patience more and more and have to find a way to not do it. Because it is reflecting on her. Thank you for letting me know I am not the only one.
I can completely relate to this. Ive struggled with it a lot lately. I’ve made a commitment to stay off my phone when at home so that he gets all of my attention. I did that when he misbehaves it’s because I’m busy doing something else/
I don’t usually comment because frankly you intimidate me LOL In my head we are old friends but you don’t know who I am or visit my blog so while I read daily I have to remind myself this is a very one sided relationship! 🙂 But this post really hit home with me. I have a 17 month old and have noticed the same out lash of behavior etc. when I am checking IG or twitter or whatever. I have it on my phone and have even opened the laptop around him which I now know was a no no. I should have figured it out when at 11 months he could work the i phone yet I had not showed him he just learned by watching me! We recently moved and so I think I felt disconnected and used my phone as a life line. Last week I hit the wall when I realized it was me causing his behavior. That day I made park plans and spent more one on one time and really paid attention to him. He not only has been napping since I gave him the attention he not only deserves but crave he got rid of his pacifier lock stock and barrel on his own. Just bit through them and then threw the others down. It never ceases to amaze me that when we pay attention to their needs how much they can blossom and even teach us!
I can SO relate to this. I crave/look forward to/get excited about naptime everyday. Haha. It’s finally MY time once naptime arrives and it’s soo hard when my 3 year old doesn’t nap… mainly because I’m not getting in my time, not because he’s terrible when he doesn’t nap. This post really convicted me, and deep down I’ve known I need to focus my time and energy and attention on my boys during “awake” time instead of rushing through to naptime when I can do what I want. Thanks so muchfor sharing and giving me a much-needed reminder!
Appreciate your honesty and candidness! Thank you for the reminder about what’s really important, and for the great reminder to remember to pray! What an encouragement. 🙂
Erin, thanks yet again for another honest post. Your post is also a reminder about prayer–something our sermon was about yesterday and I think something God is calling to me about. Prayer is SO healing and be so restorative–even if you don’t “get” the “result” you prayed for. Last year for lent I gave up Twitter on my phone for the same reasons, and it REALLY made a difference, so I commend you! And our reactions to our children (and husbands behavior at times) really is all we can control. I guess it’s a lesson to model how your child should be acting, right? But so hard! xoxo
I love this. Ever since Lauren was born in Oct 08, I’ve learned not to run a tight ship. Our ship is anything but tight and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Our children are the most precious gifts that God has given us and I love that we get to spend our days with them. When I have frustrated days, Lauren knows and it makes my heart hurt. Everyday I tell myself “cherish my babies, no tight shipping” 🙂
Such a great post and so great to know we are all experiencing the same battles, 2 1/2 is a tough age! Thanks for putting it into words and reminding me to turn it over to prayer 🙂
Thank you. I really needed this post. I have a 3 year old son and we have the same issues. Like you, my biggest issue is patience. I work out of the home full-time and miss him terribly all day. I can’t wait to pick him up and get home to spend time with him and then 75% of the time, things don’t go as “perfectly” as I hope. Part of the problem is that we don’t get home until 7:30 P.M. and I KNOW he’s tired, but it’s SO hard to look at it that way while you’re in the moment. Today I’ll pray for patience and remember your post. Thank you.
You are such a good mama, E. This is the reason that I haven’t been blogging or on twitter much in the past… 6 months?… as I used to. It was just taking my focus off of where it should be, definitely affecting my patience and things, and I felt so bad that it was mainly because of the things that were pulling my attention away too much. It isn’t wrong at all to want to get things done or do personal things (I have struggled with wanting to do personal things but certain things just taking too much of my energy) but I think that God definitely blesses decisions like that. It is about Him and what we are supposed to do for Him, which includes discipling our little fams, first (which definitely goes against most of the world’s view). Love you, friend!
Thank you so much for such an honest post. It really made me become more honest with myself too. I struggle with the same thing when I’m home from work or during the weekend(since he’s at daycare during the week). It really is just because I’m missing “my” time. This really rang true with me at this phase of mothering an almost 3 yr old. This time goes so fast, here’s to enjoying it!
This post shows what a good and loving mother you are. Thank you for sharing.
This is a great post not just for mom’s but for wives too 🙂 We don’t have children but spend a LOT of our time on our phones, laptops or in separate rooms and that’s not how we always were.
We’re going to talk this week about setting limitations and spending time together. I deleted my twitter account a while ago and don’t blog at all right now (for lack of anything interesting to document) but facebook and Words With Friends is still a large time suck.
I’m starting a new Bible study tonight that will be time well spent vs. reading Facebook posts 🙂
Kudos to you for realizing what is truly important for you and in your life.
Our preacher challenged us on Sunday to parent well rather than just be a time manager, moving from one thing to the next. Great job!
Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability! My son just turned 1 but I can relate to some of the things you mentioned: losing patience, yearning for naptime. But God always reminds me that he is a precious gift and I have to cherish every moment. It’s not about me anymore. Thanks for the encouraging words. Hudson is beautiful and blessed!
P.S. You have great grammar. Ha! Just had to mention that 🙂
Erin – You are such a good-hearted and honest person – Thank you! I am also struck in this post about how God answered your prayer. Isn’t it amazing that when we call out to him, he answers! Sometimes I can only see it later, but it’s still amazing.
Good for you for taking those apps off your phone, and focusing on Hudson. But I also think it’s ok if Hudson learns that he’s not the center of the universe! That’s a Godly message for him to learn as well.
One other thing – and forgive me if you’ve probably already thought of this and it’s not in the cards: Would it be possible for Hudson to have half-an-hour of enforced “quiet play” in his room, even if it’s not sleeping time? That may give you a good breather to get your bearings and tie up loose ends, and may also be a good time for teaching him patience and how to entertain himself in solitude.
Thanks for a great post!
I’m a single parent who adopted a baby girl from Guatemala. My daughter is now six and in kindergarten. I work full-time (out of necessity), and this school year has been very tough. My daughter has always been very “spirited” and she’s by no means the world’s best listener. On top of that, I have a health condition I struggle with daily to keep under control.
You post spoke directly to me today, and I thank you for that. I realize we’ve got very different “mom situations” (married v. single, two children v. one, work-at-home v. work-outside-the-home), but I’d never know our differences based on what you said.
I sometimes get so impatient with my daughter, and I end up shouting. Like you, I always regret doing so – and worry I’ve somehow scarred her for life. Your point about “only having one chance with each of your boys” was exactly what I needed to hear. I keep telling myself that I’m doing the very best I can, and I talk with my daughter about how it’s never to late to start again – and how tomorrow is always a new day.
Thank you so, so much for what you wrote. You are one incredibly amazing woman and mom!
I love these honest posts. Not because I’m happy to hear that it’s been rough for you, but because it makes me feel like I’m not alone in this.
Thank you
Thank you for writing this! “My” H has been having some nap issues recently and sometimes I just have to step back and remind myself that it is just a phase and I need to keep my cool and be patient!
Hey Erin 🙂
Oh girl I’m so behind on my blog commenting but I love your blog and save it for when I can enjoy it (during my gym time or the kids nap time). Anyways thank you for adding me on Facebook! I feel like we would be friends in life and I could totally see us at a play date. You are not alone in your feelings about nap time, wanting to have some “me” time (which gets more rare after two kids and even more rare when your 3 yr old refuses to sleep during naps anymore.) I struggled with this for days and continued to fight the battle until finally realizing my son could have quiet time if he was going to resist a nap everyday!
Anyways just wanted to let you know I’m right there with you and I think you’re an amazing mom 🙂
Laura
laurasblondemoments.blogspot.com
I’m so glad you linked back to this post from today’s. I’ve been thinking about this ever since that morning in Blissdon. I thought back to nights at my house where Twitter is constantly on and so is blog reading.
I really needed to read this 🙂