Do you ever find yourself doing something that you never thought you’d do? Or maybe you just never thought you’d be old enough to do something?
When I push my kids through the grocery store in the buggy and buy formula, diapers, and endless bags of string cheese for Hudson, I think, “who am I?”
How did I get here? I mean, I totally love it. But just seven years ago I was finishing college and didn’t have a plan in the world. So I went to grad school. And now here I am. I met my husband and instantly knew he was the one. We got married almost almost three years later, had two babies and now I’m here shopping for formula and diapers. I’m cooking casseroles and trying to make sure they’re toddler-friendly.
I think it’s truly remarkable how our lives can change.
I lie awake at night worrying about things I never imagined worrying about. You get pregnant and as you’re preparing to have your baby, you don’t think much past how to feed them and how to get them to sleep through the night. But what about the worries of how they’re doing in school? Or how they’re progressing developmentally or whether or not they’ve eaten enough fruits and vegetables?
The obvious answer here is that I’m a mother. But is the girl from seven years ago still there somewhere?
Sometimes I don’t know. When you have kids, your heart and your mind are consumed with your kids. You’re changed. You’re softened and in some ways you’re hardened. You want them to be healthy, safe, happy, kind, caring and if you’re like me, you’re praying that you are helping to work in their heart to bring them to Jesus. It’s heavy stuff and it’s a lot of responsibility. Obviously. You think of them first.
But you also can turn on the “mama bear” so quickly and come to their defense and rescue. How crazy is it to think that I am my kids’ advocate? I speak for them. I look out for their best interest. Me!
There was a time in my life when my only responsibility was to get up and go to work every day. I could sleep in on Saturdays, stay out as late as I wanted and zip off out of town for the weekend. Most of us had a time like that in our lives.
But I truly don’t miss those things. Now I clip formula coupons and send Hudson to his room when he misbehaves. But I also snuggle and sing songs. And somehow, over the past two years, I’ve grown up. People have said to me on this blog (mothers that were wiser than I was) that this time would come. I’d stop worrying about what people thought of me. I’d stop focusing on silly things and appearances. It’s just too exhausting to try to keep up and to waste time with insecurity. (Trust me, I still have plenty of insecurities, but they’re much better than they were.)
At the end of the day, it takes me a pretty long while to turn off the mom mode and get to a place where I can clear my mind, completely unwind and let go. Maybe that will change with time. If I’m with a fun group of girls or my husband and I are out by ourselves, I can find that silly spirit of mine that has been slightly stifled by responsibility and overwhelming love.
But that responsibility and the overwhelming love are the reasons I get out of bed in the morning. I can look back sometimes with nostalgia at that girl I used to be while I thank God for where I am right now.
Couldn’t have said it better myself!
I love this. I also am a mother of two under two and just yesterday I was talking on the phone to a dear college friend—who’s still pushing in her career, married with no kids. She asked how I was and what I was doing and I was like, “ohhhhh you wouldnt even imagine….Took two kids to the childrens museum on a play date, came home one missed their nap, I tried to accomplish my chores for the day…..and now my husbands not coming home till late and I’m wondering whats going to be for dinner!” She was begrudgingly on her way to her JL meeting and I told her I’d love to get dressed up and sip wine right about now. YEP. I was thinking “WHO AM I!!?” (STILL LOVE MY BOYS!!)
It is SO important to have your own ‘thing’ whatever that may be. Accepting your new role is one thing, getting lost in it is another.
Aw! I loved this post!
It’s so true! I’m 29 now and I think back to 10 years ago. I was working at a bank and going to college. I just knew I would meet someone amazing and have some (or maybe just one!) kid.
I love my life now. I wouldn’t trade my son or husband for anything. Just the other day, I went to the movies for the first time in 2.5 years. Before kids, you can just get up and go wherever you want, but now you have to make plans and find a sitter.
Sometimes I see things on TV or read things about other people’s lives and they seem so glamorous, but then I look at my son and there’s nowhere else I’d rather be!
Agreed! I have changed a TON but I am OK with all of it! I also love being a mom which was shocking to me cause I did not like kids too much before having one. HA I am happier than I have ever been, and more comfortable with myself than I have ever been so all in all, I like the new me. ha
As someone without kids, this was really good for me to read. I can’t even imagine getting to that point in my life. Right now, I’m married, but no kids yet. It’s good to know that the transition does happen and you love life just the same, if not more!
I may or may not have just dropped a tear into my coffee. Such a beautifully written post.
I could not agree more. My daughter recently started kindergarten and that has been a struggle with the bus and trying something new. It’s been such an adjustment not only for her but for me to see her adjust to the change. It’s hard!!! That being said I would not change my life for anything. I’m right where I want to be.
Fantastic post, Erin! We’re still on the infant basics right now but I know one day before I know I will be right here where you are. Someone asked me the other day how I felt about being a mother. Of course, it’s not an easy job (like today I have to function at my best, terrible headache or not) but I explained to this lady that being a mother has made me a better person. I’m so much calmer, more organized and love what I do on a daily basis for the first time in my life! I didn’t know I could be this happy. Thank you for the wonderfully written words!
I was thinking about that this morning. Not about the being a momma part but about how things change as we “grow up”. I am such a completely different person than I was when I graduated college 5 years ago. Now I am thinking about what my husband will want for dinner and planning my grocery shopping trips to last a whole week. Who would have thought I would love it so much!
Beautifully put!
I’m not a mom yet but I’m hoping to be one like you are 🙂
You’re so brave, putting all your doubts and fears on this blog so people can learn from what you experience!
Wonderful post Erin! Loved reading it and the comments. As a mother with grown children, young moms embrace these years they will go to quickly. My son just left for his senior year of college and I still hate seeing him go, and still on the verge of tears…ugh!
Hold those babies tight and love every minute of it. 🙂
I loved this. You always speak straight to the heart of things and it’s usually exactly how I’m feeling! Very well written!
Love this! I am only a mom to one but sometimes I too think about the way things were just less that 3 years ago before pregnancy and before being a mommy. I don’t miss those days but I do sometimes think about how carefree those days were. Sometimes I find it hard to beleive that I am a wife and a mother!!
Love your blog!
Story. Of. My. Life. At least the last six months since my baby girl was born. 🙂 I am in the midst of volleyball season (I’m the coach) and things are cah-razy in my house and I’m always feeling the guilt of not being able to spend as much time with Natalie as I would like. BUT I just keep reminding myself that hopefully by seeing me doing what I love and somehow juggling it all – she will have inspiration to believe that she too can “have it all”…if that’s what she wants. I sometimes wonder what’s happened to me as I lie awake at night worrying about baby poop, baby teeth, baby food…but then I get out on the court with my girls and I play and I know that somewhere underneath the title “Momma” there is still “Laura.”
Can I ever relate to this. I’m not a mommy yet, but I am a newlywed. Growing up I would think about my wedding and having a family and getting married and all of that, but it seems like make believe to some degree…that it never really would happen because I would never be old enough or something like that. I knew it would, but it just seemed so far away. Here I am, married for 3 months and closing on my first house tomorrow. Wow! How can the time really be here…wasn’t I just 8 and dreaming about this kind of thing…wasn’t I just going to Prom and off to college. It is so surreal. I found myself thinking about this on Sunday afternoon when I was grocery shopping. I have a lot of insecurities about being the kind of wife that I want to be for my husband and I get upset when I don’t feel like I’m living up to what I have envisioned in my head. Anyway, I am rambling. I love reading your blog, and I feel like I can relate so much to you even though I don’t have kids yet. The wonderful changes that we go through in our 20s and 30s are so surreal. I am so happy to be here though…just like you are happy to be where you are. Have a great day!
I’m not a mom yet either, but I do hope to be someday…and I hope I’ll love it just as much as you do!! It seems like once you hit 20, life starts to fly by and doesn’t slow down for anything. The “adult”world is fast paced and doesn’t stop for anyone…scary at times, but comforting that everyone adapts to whatever “life” might be for them at any stage of it!
Amen!
Okay. I already commented, but I was inspired by your posting and I wrote my own – but it’s not nearly as eloquent and well written as yours!
http://lifeinlalasland.blogspot.com/2011/09/who-am-i.html
Amen! I can’t believe how much my life has changed since having H! Being 28 most of my friends are still going out every weekend and most week nights while I am in bed by 9 most nights! I wouldn’t change it for the world though!
I completely agree! My kids are about the same ages as your boys, and my priorities have changed so much over the past two years. Like you, I absolutely love it though! I think I have changed for the better. 🙂
It amazes me how you are able to articulate exactly what is on my heart. You are an amazing mother, wife, and blogger. THANKS for putting your voice out there and for putting such an elegant and honest voice to all of us mommy’s!! Love.Love.Love your blog! This post was incredible!
XOXO,
Jenny
http://www.madisons-avenue.blogspot.com
Love this post… So true!!! I feel the same way! You have such an awesome way with words… Love those sweet babies! Thanks again for sharing your heart! 😉
Beautifully put 🙂 My husband and I said that just the other day…what DID we do with all that time before kids? And I think about that all the time…I am my child’s advocate. I am the momma. I make sure she’s fed well, taken care of, has a warm home to sleep in. And it IS crazy to think about. But I love it 😉
Erin, I can relate so much to relate so much to this. You don’t realize how stressful being a mom can be and how it changes you life. I am like you I would not change it for the world though!
Ok, evidently I can’t type, please look over my grammar..lol
This is such a heartfelt post, and I feel like you’ve read my mind. I’m only 6 months into this whole mommyhood thing, but I’m quickly realizing the person I was pre-parenthood is someone completely different. Sure, she’s still in there somewhere. But? I kinda love this new me. The mommy-me. It’s quite a beautiful thing. It’s crazy to think just two years ago I was still in college with no greater care in the world than wondering if parking was going to be bad on campus that morning. Life surely evolves faster than you can imagine.
You just described me to a T! Amazing how as mother’s we are so much alike!
You just described me to a T! It’s funny how, as mother’s, we are all alike.
Beautiful post, Erin!
It makes me want to be a mom so bad. I long for so many of the things you described.
This was a good post for me to read. The hubs and I have been talking about when to start a family. I’m finishing grad school and he is just starting. We both love kids (I’m a teacher) and want kids, but it’s the when that we’re unsure of. We get excited and would be blessed if it happened now, but at the same time we know life will never be the same. It’s always good to hear from other bloggers and friends that it’s worth everything you have to give up because you gain so much more. It’s scary not knowing what to expect, so I enjoy the reassurance. 🙂 Thank you!
Once again, loved this. So much so that I wrote a post on how much I love reading:) Keep it up girl!
Your post reminds me of the Talking Heads “Once in a Lifetime” song. The video is a bit odd, but listen to the words.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I1wg1DNHbNU
Oh, I could write a million things about this post..but they would all end up coming out just like you wrote them. It’s AMAZING how much life changes once you become a mother. I became a mother unexpectedly…and I know a lot of people have judged our decision, and judge our situation…and before becoming a mother, I would have been SO worried about what all those people would “think” if I had a baby out of wedlock. In fact, that was what I layed awake thinking about many times while I was pregnant. But a year ago…when my daughter was born and I looked into her eyes, I saw her look into my soul…and I was forever changed. God doesn’t make mistakes, and I am who I was supposed to be: Charlotte’s mother. I don’t know about you…but I don’t miss the naive girl I was from 7 years ago 😉
New reader here, and I just had to comment and say this post really touched my heart. As a mom to 16-month old twin boys my life is consumed by them and I have to stop and realize that not that long ago this was all very foreign to me. I love this mom-gig so much, but at time it can be completely and utterly overwhelming, but in the end they make me want to be a better person because I have to step up for them and speak for them. Great post, really, amazing! Can’t wait to read more!
I read this yesterday, but last night it came to mind again. It’s easy to get caught up in a woman’s timeline towards marriage, kids, etc as I get older sans a partner or kids, but last night I went out for a spontaneous night of champagne with friends and I thought of this post. Even though it wasn’t intended to reach me, your point hit me which is just to be really grateful for every stage of your life and not focus on the past you or future you. Because it’s all part of the fun ride!
Wow. I couldn’t have read this at a better time. I’m in this crazy phase right now of realizing that I’m not 27 and single anymore, but 29…married and with a one year old. Everything, for me, happened so fast that I didn’t have any time for my identity to shift with the events in my life, and now I’m finally able to catch up to reality. I still make decisions, or say yes to things, as if I was 27 and single…and then my husband reminds me that I have a schedule, and a baby, and spontaneity will have to be a little bit more planned {if that’s even possible}. It’s weird. Thanks for this post….I hope you get to be silly this weekend.
Perfect post…I am not yet a mother, but we are working on that 🙂 But it scares me when I DO sleep in on Saturday, or go to dinner with friends and drink bottles of wine, or go on vacation on a whim…how will I change that to be a mom? And I guess it happens because I’ve watched some of my friends who I never thought could “be” a mom, be a WONDERFUL mom! Thank you for writing this post! I want children more than anything; I just want to be sure that I am the BEST mom I can be!!
HA! There are moments where I’m strolling through Babies R Us on a weekend, piking little pink laptops and pressing buttons and I realize just how much my life has changed. Honestly, I am so happy with how things progressed and where my life is today, but it’s amazing that there are many days when I wake up and in a daze wonder what I should do – sleep in, turn on the TV, hang out in PJs…then I remember that I have an 8 months old in the room next door that’s waiting to be fed, changed, and entertained. Then I do a little happy gig, and get her 🙂
Ladies…couldn’t help but jump in. Wait ’til your babies have babies! It’s the best! You get to love and play and learn and grow with them, and when they start crying…you hand ’em off. My “baby” is 32 years old and what you have all been describing is happening to her. She has a 2-year old and another one on the way, juggling a career, marriage, homeownership and motherhood. She is awesome, as are all of you. Keep up the good work and, Keep The Faith. It goes by way too fast!