We all have expectations. No matter our stage in life, we want to do what we do well. We want to be amazing. We want to be praised. And we don’t want to let anyone down… especially ourselves.
I’ve always worried about what people think of me. And I was the most critical of myself.
But here I am as a mom. And now I’m a mom of two. There’s another mouth to feed. There’s more laundry to do. There are more errands to run. There is a greater need to be miraculously blessed with another set of hands.
There’s a lot of guilt that comes with being a mom. Feeling guilty that we rarely leave the house anymore because it’s just hard and way too hot outside. Feeling guilty that Hudson is a picky eater and probably doesn’t have the greatest diet because of it. Feeling guilty that I leave them every Wednesday night for church. But I stopped feeling guilty about having to split my time between the boys during the day.
At any point during the day, you could probably walk into my house and hear at least one child crying or yelling. This is my reality. I happen to love it, but it’s my reality.
A few months ago, I realized that this reality won’t be changing any time soon. There’s not much I can do to change it. As much as I try, I cannot possibly make everyone happy all day long.
After Hayes was born, my mom stayed for three weeks. When those three weeks were up, I was so scared for her to leave. I worried about what I’d do if I was feeding Hayes and Hudson needed something. And what if I was tending to Hudson and Hayes started crying. How can I split myself evenly between two deserving children? They both need me, but how can I be everything to both of them at all times.
After a couple of days of being alone, I quickly realized that I just can’t. I can’t do it. I can be a mom. And I can be a great mom. But I can’t make them both happy all the time.
Fortunately, for all of us, Hayes is a very easy baby and only cries if it’s time to eat. That has been a huge blessing to me because Hudson wasn’t such an easy baby.
When I was pregnant with Hayes, I blogged about being nervous about being a mom of two. A few amazing commenters gave me some advice that has stuck with me and I’ve taken that advice. They said to tend to the toddler first if both kids are crying. The baby is probably just hungry and will be fine to wait for a minute. But the toddler will remember that you didn’t respond to his or her need.
So that’s how I’ve approached this “mother of two” thing.
It would be awesome if I had a meal on the table every night and we never ate leftovers. It would be fantastic if I found a way to shower and dry my hair every day while my kids patiently waited. It would be super if I ran all of our errands with both kids so TC and I could enjoy a stress-free weekend together without any errands to run. But that’s not my reality.
And I’m okay with that. Really, I am. Because my expectations are realistic. I just know that I can’t do it all. I’m never going to be Super Mom. I created a wonderful home organization notebook to help me stay on track because I don’t want my chores and responsibilities to pile up. But I’m still not Super Mom.
And making a commitment to take it easy on myself has been a great decision. I don’t want to compare my kids to other kids. I’m getting better about not comparing myself to other moms and girls. I’m not going to be skinny without a lot of work. We’re not going to have everything in life handed to us on a silver platter. My house is not torn from the pages of a magazine, but instead there are crumbs and chocolate milk stains on the furniture. And I’ve just accepted all of it.
I used to go to sleep at night feeling like I didn’t have a handle on everything. And I’d toss and turn and stress over all of it. Hayes needs me, Hudson needs me, TC needs me, and I’m trying to maintain this household. But now I have a different feeling.
The same sweet people still need me and I need them. I still don’t always have a handle on everything, but I am getting better at it. But I’m not losing sleep. Because I’ve decided that there are only so many moments in this life. And the great moments aren’t going to make me lose sleep.
There are days when Hayes never cries, Hudson takes a 4 hour nap, dinner is cooked and delicious, all the laundry is washed, dried, folded, and put away. There are some amazing days. I even travel alone with these guys and brave outings alone with them. And I think lowering my expectations has made me even more grateful for the great days.
(Another big factor in the change in my heart came from reading So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore, Radical by David Platt, and Crazy Love by Francis Chan. These three books made a huge impact in my life in the last 18 months and I’d highly recommend them.)
I know that there’s going to be disappointment. There will be tears. There will be tantrums. Expectations won’t be met. I’ll be overwhelmed. Toddlers will behave badly. I will behave badly.
But there’s going to be a whole lotta love. A whole lotta laughter. And too many wonderful memories to count.
Thank you so much! I really needed to hear what you had to say today. I have a 1 year old and am about to have a newborn in about 6 weeks. I have really been struggling with trying to figure out how to manage it all. I also work full time and am in the process of building a new house. I often wondered which to tend to first if the baby and my one yr old were both upset. Thanks so much for your insight.
Tish
I loved this post Erin! You are always so right on, and I feel the exact same way about so many of these things! You awesome, and I so hope we can meet in person soon!
You are awesome* I always submit before I proof read ha!
Erin,
I’ve been reading your blog for the past year or so but I’ve never commented. As a new mom myself (my son was born on August 6), your thoughts on balancing marriage, the household, and babies really ring true for me. I thought that staying home would mean that I would be able to manage it all with no issues. Obviously I was in for a bit of a wake up call. It’s the best job in the world, but I’ve already had to adjust my expectations for myself which hasn’t been the easiest thing to come to terms with.
Your boys are beautiful and I know that they’ll only remember how dedicated their Momma was to them!
I LOVED the post!! I feel very much like you most days & get very overwhelmed & frustrated. I loved the wonderful advice about toddlers & babies. I love reading your posts-they are so helpful & just fun! Thank you Erin! 🙂
Thank you–this was very timely after a slightly challenging weekend and a slightly difficult school drop-off this morning. It is so much easier when I just let things be as they are and not try to compare our situation to other families or kids…when will I remember this?!
In a world where we are pressured to be perfect, I thank you for making it ok to be human!
My little ones are almost the same age as yours – I feel overwhelmed often and am always trying to find a balance. It sounds like you have all of your prorities straight and that makes you a Super Mom! They won’t remember if the house was cluttered or if the alundry was folded but they will remember the stories, projects and snuggles 😉
It is hard – you can’t be everything to everyone. You can’t control everything, especially when you have kids. It can be very challenging to find the balance as I want to be Super Everything (Mom, Wife, Etc.).
Oh, and a complete aside – I’ve decided to start the C25K program again (I remember you saying you were going to do it to?). I’ve signed up for a 5K on November 19th! Scary but exciting!
I had my second baby in March and have felt very much like you while trying to figure out how to be a mom to two. One thing the Lord has been showing me is that it is not my job to make my children happy. Of course, it is my job to love and care for them and meet their needs, and I want my kids to be happy, but ultimately my goal as their mom is not their happiness, but to point them to Jesus. You are doing a great job and it’s really encouraging to me to read about your journey through motherhood. We’re all in this together! Liz in Asheville, NC
You’re posts are always so uplifting…even the ones not meant to be!! It takes a very wise mom to come to these realizations…and your kiddos will be much happier and well adjusted for it!
You know exactly how to put thoughts and feelings into the perfect words! TC, Hudson, and Hayes are lucky to have you!
Thank you for this post…I’m due to have Baby #2 any day now, and I’m SO nervous. I just don’t know how I’m going to handle everything. I realize that I can’t do it all, but I love your advice to tend to the toddler first. It makes me feel so much better to see other moms going through this and trying to figure it all out, and I appreciate your post.
I absolutely loved this post, and made it a favorite in my Reader so that I can reference it in the future. I am very Type A, and am nervous about how I am going to manage when I just have one child! I cannot wait to become a mother, but the demands that I think I have to meet are just overwhelming. I am going to put all of these books on my reading list! Thank you so much for being so open and sharing the reality!
Love this Erin. I too am reading Beth Moore. I’m working on my guilt issues. I cannot imagine juggling two kids-you’re doing a great job!
I hear ya. I was in much the same position when I stayed home with my two boys. I had to give up the guilty feeling of always being split and worrying about how it would affect my boys in the future. Some days it’s about survival mode and there is no room for guilt during those times! Especially with them being 21 months apart. My toddler was still very needy and relied on me for pretty much everything. I always felt like a piece of taffy. Pulled from both ends until I snapped.
Thank you for the book recommendations. I have placed them on my amazon wishlist!
What do you mean you eat leftovers? I thought you were like Martha Stewart…decorating and cooking up a storm every day. 😉 I made a gigantic batch of your Fiesta Pasta and we ate the leftovers for a week!
Erin,
We are in very different places in life yet your posts always resonate with me. I am thirty-four (older than you), married but not a mom, working full-time anf feel like I’m not the best wife/friend/family member/Christian that I can be.
I feel guilt every single day but it is truly nice to know that as women, no matter what season of life that we’re in that we struggle with these feelings in one way or the other.
Thank you for your honesty.
Oh, girl. I wrote almost this exact same post late last week. I think the best thing I’ve done in preparation for our second little one is set my personal expectations low, and accept that everything is not going to be perfect, nor should it be. We put so much pressure on ourselves it’s silly–all our kiddos need is us to be there and love them. Everything else will get done eventually 🙂
Andrew and I just read some scripture last night about expectations–and why we shouldn’t have them in our lives. It’s SO hard as a Mom to not….but I think if you pray about it, and remember that the only person who you should be trying to please is God, instead of everyone else…it does help. I love when you write posts like this, Erin! xo
Aw, I’m not a momma yet, but I want to be, and reading this post made me excited and kind of calmer about it! Thanks so so much for sharing your thoughts 🙂
I have seen you in action with Hudson while you were prego and my mind was going nuts ” HOW IN THE HECK DOES SHE DEAL”…. you are a good mommy- no dought!
Hope all is well!
Radical and Crazy Love rocked my world…they’re amazing and challenging and incredibly confrontational in a much needed way. On a different note, guilt as a mom is a tool of Satan. Really. Granted, he uses it with all of us, and I don’t know a single mom who doesn’t {to some extent} battle it…it’s not from the Lord. So, you are very very very right in saying “enough is enough” and I can do what I can do…and be at peace with the rest. I admire you.
The closer I get to my due date the more I start to worry about the unknown. I know it’s completely useless to worry since there is nothing I can do about it, but I’m a woman and I just can’t help it. I read posts like this one and it’s so encouraging to hear someone say it’s ok not to be super mom, but at the same time I wonder how I’ll be. I have to go back to work and I stress about how it’s all going to get done. I see stay at home moms struggle and I’ll be adding working away from home for 40 hours a week.
It’s so nice to read a post like this. My first child is due in 1 week and I already am feeling pressure of how to be supermom, even though I know it’s an unrealistic goal. I think you have a great attitude and I hope I can roll with the punches and enjoy the craziness because after all, that is life. And I look forward to it 🙂
I think you have a firm handle and a realistic approach to being a wife and Mother.. we can’t be everything to everyone and those that look like they do..well..operative word ..look! I think by the looks of your families smiles, their clean clothes, their round tummies and chubby cheeks, your husbands face when he looks at you speaks volumes of your role in their lives.. Keep up the good work..don’t be so hard on yourself..when I get overwhelmed with work, house and 3 girls..I always say..mommy is taking to the bed!!
I’m three weeks away from having my second little boy, and I am so glad I read this post today!
Sometimes i am so hard on myself. It’s so hard to balance a full-time job with wonky hours, a husband, 2 boys, and a home. And now? I’m getting ready to add on another child and think, “how on earth will i do this?!” But I know I will. It just takes adjusting into your NEW reality.
Thanks for this post!
Love it!
I could write a whole comment about how right you are, but instead I’m just going to say “Amen Sister!”. Being a supermom isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being there and present with your family. So I guess in my book, that makes you a supermom.
I just went back to work two weeks ago and have been feeling like a pretty inadequate mom since then. Its been causing stress, so much so my hair is literally falling out in clumps. After a long talk with my doctor and my own mom today, I decided it’s not worth losing my hair over…I’m going to my best at home and at work. Whatever doesn’t get done, doesn’t get done. Your post could not have come at a better time. Thank you for always being honest and open with your readers.
Tears..happy tears because I feel like I’m not alone. I’m a mom to two girls and I have a baby boy due in Oct. Some days I feel like it’s so much..when my husband comes home and fusses about something small..I lose it. I looove my children..all three…and I love my husband. But I think I set unrealistic expectations for myself..thanks for this post..off to the bookstore to by all three of those books..
Excellent post! Something lots of us Mama’s can benefit from. I do the best I can but at the end of day there are lots of things that did not happen. My nightly prayer is “What has been done, has been done and what not has been done – has not been done. Let it be.” That settles me down when I am trying to be super mom/wife which I fail at in some facet each and every day whether it’s by losing my patience, using too much TV, serving less than stellar dinners to my hubby or not being a good wife!
Erin, you’ve done it again! I seriously love this post. It has been so wonderful to read your posts over the past month, they seem to really hit home with not just me but lots of other moms!
Hey Erin!
You have inspired me that I too can do this whole “Mother of two” thing, which I will soon experience in just a few days or weeks when my daughter Brynley gets here! I have so many insecurities and anxieties and just reading you say to tend to the toddler over the crying baby actually was the best advice you could offer to me right now. I have so many things running on in my head right now.
-Will I adjust to staying home after working full time for so long?
-Will my 2 year old son, Ryder, get bored with just me all the time, after spending his past two years at daycare?
-What will I do when both children need me at the SAME time?
-Will I have a breakdown and just not be able to handle it?
-Will I be able to breastfeed this time rather than having to pump all the time?
-Will my husband get left out because I’m going to be spread so thin and won’t have time at the end of the day during those exhausting sleepless nights?
I ask these things to God a lot. and have been trying to give my fears and anxieties to him, but I am still human and still find myself wanting to be a Supermom too.
Thank goodness you are just a few months ahead in this new chapter of our lives, at learning to juggle it all so that I can too learn from you. You seem to do it all well, and that is my goal too! Thank you again for all of the advice you give to other mommies like me, and for keeping it real.
Laura
laurasblondemoments.blogspot.com
that, to me, sounds like a super mom.
Nice post! Very inspiring that I created my own post on Supermoms! 🙂 I’ll link up to your post 🙂