Why is it that there is so much pressure to be everything to everyone who needs us? Disappointing my family and friends is one of my biggest fears. I’ve heard that as I get older I’ll forget about this and get over that fear. But right now, it gets to me.
I’m a wife, a mother, a daughter, a friend, a church member, a volunteer, a cook, an organizer, and a planner.
If you’ve followed my blog for a while, you know I struggled post-grad school with finding great friendships. So I prayed for friendships and God blessed me with amazing friendships. I have my wonderful, supportive husband. I have my beautiful, sweet children. I have my generous parents and in-laws. But I have expectations and they all have expectations. And I don’t want to let anyone down.
My kids need to be loved and fed and paid constant attention. My husband needs my love and attention more than anyone and deserves a good meal every day. My parents and in-laws want to see their kids and grand kids to spend time with all of us. And we want to see them, too!
But there aren’t enough days in the week or hours in the day. Between work for TC and responsibilities for me at home, we’re already swamped. But I have a couple of days a week when I have meetings in the evening. So does my husband.
My friendships are important to me. My church is important to me. I get a lot of fulfillment from the activities that the church provides and the relationships that I have there. I am fulfilled by the voluntarism from being in the Junior League. I am able to give back while still using some of my skills that I don’t get to use on a daily basis.
But every day, I seem to go through my check list of the people in my life that I need to contact to stay in touch and I get overwhelmed. And then I go through my checklist of extra responsibilities that aren’t in my home. Some days I just feel stretched thin.
I want to want to do it all! I want to have great time with my family and great girl time with my friends. And I also want my kids to spend time with other kids while I spend time with other moms. And we want to spend time with our families.
I guess I’m just using my blog as a little therapy session today. I don’t want to be overwhelmed. But I also want a great balance in my life. I want to find a way to balance the relationships in my life that mean so much to me. And still find time for our little family of four to get lots of quality time together. And still have time for amazing friendships and trips to visit my family and our out-of-town friends. I’m not willing to quit the things that are just for me and I’m not willing to just let relationships go. But I also want the management of all of it to come easily.
I was just lamenting the same feelings! I struggle with the same stuff, which is why I love reading your blog. As a fellow mom with lots of commitments, I hear you. I felt bummed the other day because family takes up so much of my time (as it should), so I feel I have no time for anything else. But I try to remember that this is how it is with young kids. When they get older, life will free up bit by bit. So I guess the answer is there is no answer, just accepting this time in my life. If you do find the answer, do tell!! 😉
Hey Erin!
Gosh, I’m a VERY new Mom, but I feel the exact same way. I think your fears are what every stay at home Mom’s fears. You hit the nail on the head, you want to be everything for everyone and not let anyone down… It’s agonizing, BUT as my Mom always tells me ” We can be our own worst critic!” So, with that said, don’t forget to take time and celebrate the things you do well!
Love,
Crispin
P.S. two VERY funny Mom books that I love and really make me feel better when I’m down.
I Was A Good Mom Before I Had Kids
Mommy Wars
Both books contain short stories about being a Mom, a Working Mom, A Stay at Home Mom etc. Laugh out Loud Funny!!!!
you certainly aren’t alone in this AT ALL…i was just ranting to my husband this weekend about this very topic and how overwhelmed i feel with struggling to me everyone’s expectations. especially with adding our new baby into the mix. let us know if you figure out the secret to this! but i imagine the answer is probably prioritizing what is most important to ourselves and best for our husband and child(ren) and allowing everything else to fall to the wayside.
I’ve been struggling with this as of late too. My family isn’t very understanding about us not being able to meet their expectations when often cause a riff.
My tactic as of late is to do what works best for me and my family (DH and DD) and let the rest of the chips fall where they may.
I do everything that I can each day and what doesn’t get done just gets pushed until later. So far I’m happy with this.
Oh how true this is. I teach school, and so for 10 weeks a year, I sort of get a break. But just yesterday, I had a meeting with my boss and realized that I needed to get to work . . . now (and during the summer I don’t get paid). In between being a wife, a mother, a teacher, a youth pastor’s wife, a Sunday School teacher, etc., I often feel pulled in 12 directions and too exhausted to give all I need to give. I’m learning to step back and say “no” if my heart is not really in it. I’m also learning that everything doesn’t have to be perfect, and that’s a hard lesson to learn. I think we are always harder on ourselves than anyone else is. I know your family, your friends, your church, etc. love you and appreciate you. I do think as your kids get older it will get easier. But in the end, I think we just keep moving forward. Imperfections and all.
I think Sarah said it best…. “there is no answer,just accepting this time in life”. All you can do is organize and prioritize making the best of what you’ve got. But you don’t have to do everything right now…. as a mom to two young kiddos, they take up a huge percentage of your time. The older they get they’ll still need you but not as much as they do now. For example, once they enter school. Moms do where many hats and we do the best we can do…. sometimes we drop the ball but that’s just life. Have a bless day! 🙂
I really love this post. I am a mother to 2 boys, as well as a wife and daughter, sister and I also find that there isn’t enough time in the day to please everyone.
I do know for a fact that I do not spend enough time working on my friendships. I have 2 friends that I regularly get together with (and their kids are my kids ages) but that is pretty much it. I also have one from from high school who was my maid of honor that, honestly, I only see once a year (how sad) but we are at different points in our life (i’m married w/ 2 kids), she’s dating someone and just bought a house.
I’ve tried joining some mom’s groups, but I never really felt comfortable there. I’m pretty shy in person and I have a hard time chatting with someone while chasing after 2 adventurous and busy boys. My one friend (mentioned above) and I get together once a month for a girls night (wine, dinner, chatting) and we always have a blast and my husband and I get a babysitter once a week or every other so we can have a nice dinner alone. We also make a point to see both sets of parents at least once a week.
As for me…I get up at 3:30 and at the gym by 4 to workout and usually have a couple hours in the morning to myself (to catch up on previous nights shows, news, etc).
I do need to make an extra effort in the friendship dept….I am sometimes envious of those who host playdates all the time, or call their girlfriends everyday.
It may not always feel like it, but you seem to be doing a great job at balancing. Not every day is perfect, that’s for sure. BTW, that pic of you guys is gorgeous!
beautiful Post! you are “wearing” your hats beautifully! I am 47 and I struggle that I also disappoint on so many levels! Oh well, serve your Lord, your husband, your children and yourself..everyone else will have to fall in place.
It’s nice to know that we all struggle, not in the “misery loves company” sense, but in the wow, “I’m not the only one” sense. I feel the same way. I feel pulled in so many directions that I feel like it’s inevitable that I’m going to let someone down. I’m a mommy, wife, believer, work outside the home, have my own business, daughter, sister, PTA President…I need more hours in the day! LOL! But at the same time, I don’t want to give up the things love. Finding balance is almost impossible sometimes, I know I wish I did a better job of finding balance in my daily life. Maybe someday…
I feel the same way. It is really hard to work full-time as a lawyer (and my husband is a lawyer too), take care of our 7 yr old son, take care of the house, etc. and still find time to check in with friends and loved ones – which really, is one of the more important things. But for what it’s worth, I think you are wearing all your hats beautifully. We all do the best we can….
This is so true for so many of us. Working moms, SAHM, women with out children, single, married, etc. We all hold ourselves to such high standards that it can be overwhelming at times and I don’t even have kids yet! I think all we can do is learn to appreciate the life we are currently living and learn that with balance we can’t save the world everyday…even though we’d all like to 🙂
I think about this all the time.. and I’m not even a mom yet! It’s difficult to keep up with everything going on and still get some “me” time in as well.
Something I have learned since becoming a mother, is that although motherhood has brought this exact scenario out in full force for me—I think ALL women feel this way. Whether they are mother’s or not. I have been working on trying not to be such a people pleaser (yes, in therapy!) and something that was brought up is how, as women, we are taught to be very “accomodating”. We are the comforters, home-makers, sweet, kind versions of our husbands and fathers. That is an intimidating and daunting job for anyone. So, try to remember that while you are working SO hard to try to accomodate everyone’s wishes at all times….none of it is going to “work” unless you accomodate yourself first. It’s hard!
ps–STUNNING picture. I can’t wait to work with Tracy …she seems to capture the emotions in every photograph like each one is it’s own story!
I feel like I could write a book on the ‘stretched too thin’ feeling and how much it can weigh on a person. I completely understand how you feel (minus giving time to the kiddos since ours isn’t here yet!). The biggest thing I have learned is that I have to make myself stop every once in a while and take care of me. It can be so hard but without that personal time, I feel like I’m always really close to a big ol’ meltdown 🙂 I think it’s just one of those struggles most of us deal with every day and some days are a little easier than others. You’re doing a great job, friend!
And by the way, I adore that picture of you and your boys. I love that Hudson looks like such a big boy next to Hayes and yet also like a baby with his lovie and his thumb in his mouth. Sweet boys!
I think all moms struggle with this! This is definitely the area I struggle with the most. Balancing family time, staying connected with my friends, working, play dates, hospital visits, doctor’s appointments. It is so overwhelming.
I pray that my friends are understanding about this phase of life – the phase where I need 36 hours (or more) in one day to get things done; the phase where I don’t answer my phone and hardly reply to texts; the phase where I feel like I am a flakey friend because this mom gig is way harder than I imagined!
You seem to be doing a wonderful job! And, that picture of your sweet family is darling!
Join the club girl! I feel the same way and I don’t even have kiddos yet!
As a mother of adult children, my advice is to keep up all those extra activities that are important to you. You will be a better parent and wife if you seek fulfillment in other places–not just in your most important role at home. No need to feel one second of guilt over this because your time away actually enhances your appreciation for what you have at home. You will be more relaxed and happy and your family will benefit from this.
From a total stranger(katy haley’s mom is my good friend) but I can offer this advice from someone who is further along in life. I think that most new wives and mothers go through this, especially ones like you who appear to be oober organized and desire perfection. I took a leadership course years ago associated with my management job. Best lesson learned: group task in 2 catergories- long term(things that are one-time deals, ie take longer to accommplish, but don’t have to be done again soon) and short term(things you have to do everyday, cook, lite cleaning, laundry, etc.)Of course you care for your boys and husband falls into both catergories!
And from a more personal perspective, at the end of everyday, take joy in all the things you did accomplish and don’t beat yourself up for what you didn’t
Keep going, it “won’t be like this for long’!
Sandra
Wow, you hit the nail directly on the head for me. Although we don’t have children yet, I am constantly trying to keep a mental “list” of all of the people that I want to stay in touch with, and I find it difficult to give everyone their fair share of time. Of course, I want God, my husband and family to come first, but I am often overwhelmed and never have enough hours in the day to complete everything I want (and don’t want) to do!
Thanks for posting this, it’s nice to know there are other women out there that feel the same way I do!!
You should read my aunt’s book. She talks about the many hats women wear in it! It’s a great book.
http://www.amazon.com/Stories-Sleep-Deprived-Tasha-Levert/dp/1449915213/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1311181849&sr=8-1
Love this post. It really meets me right where I am in life right now. I have 3 month old twins and I had to return to work last week. So far it has gone well but I know there are so many things I am neglecting right now. I know the biggest thing I need to do is take a deep breath and trust God he always provides.
Amen! I’m not a mom yet, but I still feel like I juggle many different roles and responsibilities, trying desperately not to neglect one. I’m starting to accept that I will never feel that I have everything perfectly balanced. There will be times when my apartment is super clean yet I haven’t had a devotion time with God all week. Or I will have devotion time every day but not cook all week. I’m trying to learn to relax and not try to do it all (I’ve really tried to be better about saying “No” to things this past year!) And realize that each week is a fresh start 🙂
My mom and I had a similar conversation after I spoke about everything I wanted to accomplish but couldn’t find the time. She said, “You are too hard on yourself, you’re doing a great job!” and I said “I just feel like I could be an even better version of me with a little more time and effort!” It’s a struggle between recognizing our personal successes while striving for continual growth and improvement. I hear you girl!
I think everyone feels this way. I combat being stretched thin by taking long walks of watching mindless tv. I figure if k don’t take care of myself I can’t maintain healthy relationships either. You can’t be everything to your friends and it’s ok to take mini vacations away from friends you care about. Sometimes it allows you to fall in love with them all over again.
Erin, I can relate to 99% of everything you just wrote about. It amazes me still that I am able to find other moms here in the blog-world who go through about the same emotions as I go through in life, even though my life is so much different from other bloggers. Thanks for posting this, Erin 🙂
-Kelly
I know you’ve said this many times yourself, so I know that you know it intellectually: this is a season. But I honestly believe that you don’t fully understand or believe that yet. Because what you don’t know yet, but you will soon, is how VERY little your boys still are! I know Hudson seems huge to you now, like a little boy, so very far from the baby that he was. . .but he’s still so little. At least in my experience, by the time your two are about 4 years old and 2 years old, you’ll realize that you’ve been gradually getting more of yourself back, to the point where your life is recognizable again. Unless of course, you have another baby by then, which means you just start the cycle over again. 🙂 But the point is, because Hudson is just barely two, two years seems like eternity to you right now. Understandably so, because it is your child’s entire life! But what you’re not able to fully KNOW yet, because you haven’t experienced it yet, is that in just a short number of months (like 20 more, or so), they’ll be at ages where everything is just so much more manageable. Where you can make a lovely dinner from start to finish because your boys will play non-stop in the backyard together for a couple of hours at a stretch. Where you can make a few phone calls every day to those people you need to stay in touch with, because the boys will go through their entire stack of puzzles together before they get bored. Where you can go to your attic/closet/laundry room/whatever space is desperately needing cleaning/organizing, and spend enough time there to actually get something done, because they listen and understand you when you say “Play nicely in your playroom while Mommy does some work, or there will be a consequence!” Where you can go out a couple of nights per week for meetings/volunteer work/church/girl time without it feeling like a stressful escape act, because you’ll know that it’s absolutely no problem for TC to do the bedtime routine; the boys will be so used to it that it’ll just go like clockwork and it won’t be stressful for the three guys at all. Where you can sign them BOTH up for preschool/camps/classes and have scheduled time every week where it’s just you, and you can do whatever you need or want to do. The point is, I understand that to say to a mom of a new baby that you can start to live your life again in 20 months, is probably just going to go in one ear and out the other. Because I know that seems like forever to you, and I know that there is absolutely a need to live your life RIGHT NOW too. But I also know from recent experience (my girls are 5.5 and 2.5) that those months will go by in a flash. And that all the things you felt like you just weren’t getting to during that small baby time, suddenly you’ll be able to get to again, without feeling so stretched thin. It will come, it will come. Just cut yourself some slack during this small baby stage. I know that every older mom gives young moms the cliche advice: enjoy them while they’re so little! It goes so fast! And I agree with that. But what people seldom tell you is what goes hand in hand with that sentiment: that part of enjoying their babyhood is not berating yourself for all of the things that you’re not able to get done, specifically because they are babies and babies take up a lot of time! So go easy on yourself and prepare your heart for the true knowledge that this is a season, and a very short one at that.
I know my limits and so haven’t wanted to stretch myself that thin in life, especially since having children. What I’ve wanted to be was a great wife, and mama. But something I have really been praying about is having some great Godly woman placed in my life. For various reasons over the last couple years I’ve had some very close girlfriends come and go out of my life, and I just wish I had a few GREAT ones that stayed, and were consistent. 🙂 And… what Kara said, above me, is so very true. She sounds like a wise woman. I have found what she said to be true too in my own life, and I try to tell mothers the very same thing. One of my favorite sayings is “it is only temporary”. My oldest is 7, and I am amazed when I look back on pictures of her and see how little she was, but in the real life version of living day to day with her she has always acted so grown up. 🙂 Time has flown by, and it makes me sad to think that I have made all my mistakes with her. I haven’t always been as patient with her, and even though she has always acted like such a biggie, she still has the heart of a little girl. Rambling… 🙂
Combining the roles of being a woman, wife, mother, friend and everything else is hard; and at least for me, each role needs to be represented equally and given 110% of my time and energy. I appreciate your words about taking care of your husband and family and the priority you have placed on it. Everyday I have phone calls I need to make, things to mark off my list, meals to make and hugs to give–you are not alone in the struggle. At the end of the day I figure that if at least one of the things I set out to do that day was accomplished than it was a successful day! 🙂
The fact that you care so much about everyone else in your family makes you a great Mother. Don’t worry, the balance and “normal” routine will come with time. Even though it doesn’t feel like it now, it will get so much easier. I have kids that are 23 months apart and in all honesty I felt like this until my youngest was about 1 year old. At 6 months it got a lot better and by 1 year I was back to “normal”. Go easy on yourself and realize that NO ONE has an easy time with this balance between family, friends, and responsibilities especially with a newborn and a toddler!
You hit the nail on the head for me! We don’t have children yet, but I still feel like I’m wearing so many different hats and often struggle with balancing everything. I don’t want to just do an okay job in each area of my life….I want to do things well, and sometimes that’s hard to do! Thank you for posting this!
I am so glad someone else feels this way. I am in the process of planning my November wedding and feel like I am a balancing act 24/7. I can’t imagine what it will be like once we have children. One thing to remember is that no one expects you to be perfect. So if you have to go a couple of weeks without talking to a friend, you will be able to pick up right where you left off because they are your friend.