For the past seven weeks, I feel like TC and I spend our days playing catch up. There is not a slow moment around the house all day. I spend the day chasing Hudson and caring for Hayes while trying to keep them both happy and entertained at the same time. I don’t even have a concept about what time it is except for knowing when Hayes needs to be fed. So I also have no idea how long it will be until TC gets home from work.
But poor TC. As soon as he sets foot in the door, we all go into scramble mode. It’s always between 6:30 and 7:00 p.m. when he gets home, which also happens to be dinner time for Hudson immediately followed by bath time and wind down time. With two little ones, we each seem to grab one child and get to work. TC feeds and bathes Hudson while I get something ready for us to eat and keep Hayes happy then feed Hayes his 7:30 bottle. And then it’s time for Hayes to get a bath.
Where we used to have about four hours together every night before bed, we now have about an hour and a half to two hours before Hayes gets his last bottle and then we fall into bed. Exhausted.
Yesterday morning I was thinking about how nice it would be to go away with just my husband– even if just for a night. Or a dinner. Or a movie. But with Hayes’s schedule still at such a crazy, habit-forming time, I would feel bad leaving him with anyone overnight. And whoever that person is (ahem, KK) would have to stay at our house.
Just as I’ve said over and over again, this is just a season. But I don’t want my marriage to suffer because of it. Because we’re both so wrapped up in surviving these days and just making it to the next morning, I don’t want us to forget how we got here in the first place.
The kids are obviously important, but our relationship is the most important one in the household. We need to feel connected and have time to talk. Our hands are full and we are both doing what’s best for both boys right now. I just wonder how long it will be until we are able to sneak in some time for just the two of us.
I do know that as Hayes gets older and starts sleeping more and eating less often we’ll feel more comfortable sneaking off for some time with just the two of us– even if it’s just to grab coffee. My husband is so much more to me that just an extra set of hands around the house and I don’t want him to get a chance to forget that.
TC is such a hard worker and is the most dedicated person I know. I am sure he has never quit anything in his life and always gives everything his all. Parenting a newborn may not come as naturally to him as it does to a mother, but the man gives it his all. When he’s exhausted in the morning after being up half the night (we’re currently sleep training Hayes), he has to go on to work and do some really important things for people that he’s not related to. I have the option of staying in my pajamas all day. I do have to be on my toes, but I can at least dress comfortably and maybe sneak in a 45 minute nap.
I am a prideful person and that’s a terrible way to be when you want to prove that you can do things without help. Like take care of kids. But I need his help and he wants to help. And we’re spending every bit of our time learning more how to work as a team and use our individual strengths to help the other along.
Right now we’re getting the little moments together by making it through long nights and knowing that we did it together. And handling meltdowns together and backing each other up on the tough decisions with toddlers.
The romantic nights out will be back as part of our reality soon enough and that much needed vacation will rejuvenate us someday.
The newborn stage is so tough – I thought it would NEVER end! But like you said, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Before you know it, life will be easier, and you and TC can sneak out for dinner and a movie. Your boys are lucky to have you both 🙂
I agree that a husband and wife’s relationship is the most important in a family…. all others feed off of that one! Hope you guys can get a little time together soon! My husband and I would do a dessert date. We’d get the kids to bed and have someone come over for just a couple of hours, and we would do out for dessert. Just a little time to clear our heads and actually TALK to each other.
Such a sweet post! My hubby and I are expecting our first baby in August. I’m sure I’ll be able to relate REALLY soon! 🙂 Good luck with your two boys!
I sooo understand! I have 5 year old triplets and an almost 4 month old. The baby finally sleeps 12 hours so we are getting some time in the evenings to unwind. The triplets go to bed at 7:30 and the baby at 8:30 so we only have about 2 hours before I am ready to sleep but I will take it! You are right – it is a season and one I wouldn’t change. It is nice to dream about the future though when we can take trips by ourselves!
Sleep training can be rough. I swear by moms-on-call. Emmeline has been sleeping through the night without eating since she was about 4 weeks old. She now sleeps anywhere from 8-11 hours. xoxo
Those first 3-4 months can be so exhausting. I can imagine it’s even harder with two. My son didn’t spend a night away from us until he was two and even then it has only been a handful of times, but we do make time to go somewhere and spend time alone. Sometimes we watch a movie, sometimes we go out to eat (in peace and quiet), sometimes we go shopping. Kids can bring you closer but they also present the challenge of cutting into your time together. Your post serves as a great reminder to all us moms out there that our husbands and our relationships need to come first.
Hello,
Why not move bath time to the AM. That is what i used to do, and it makes one less thing to do in the evening. My first two were eleven months apart, and my husband was in his medical Residency. His time at home was so limited. Consequently, I moved as much as I could to the AM so that the evenings when he was home and not on call at the hospital were ones where we could connect. It’s hard, but I felt that he needed more peace, time for conversations between us, and time to connect with the babies without it being tasks to do. It worked most of the time, but since they are children, nothing is totally manageable or predictable. It can be frustrating at times, but in the long run and as I look back, it was a beautiful time that I cherish. It also goes very rapidly. Hang in there. I hope that I helped a bit. Your “you time” will return again.
Nancy
Loved this post! It is so hard to have couple time anymore. I hope you guys get to have a night out soon 🙂
What a great post…especially I just posted about several dear friends dealing with divorce. You and TC definitely have your priorities in order and know that you will need your separate time together, but can also enjoy these early days with Hayes when it is more hands on.
I am a new reader and it’s just crazy how similar our lives are right now! I have an {almost} two year old, Porter and a 10 week old, Weston. Everything you have been blogging about is EXACTLY what we are going through and what we are feeling. Life with two is MUCH different then life with one and we are in total survival mode. One day we will be able to look back at this days and say, “WE MADE IT! And it wasn’t so hard!” but for now…. phew!
I feel the same way. But, I am about to pull my hair out. I want to walk out the door and never come back. Well, not really…but you know what I mean. My little one is 5 months this week and STILL isn’t sleeping through the night, no matter what I do. No matter what method of sleep training…. I don’t know how much longer I can continue getting no sleep.
I’d love to wear something other than pj’s or spit up and go on a date, but that just isn’t possible right now. Maybe someday….
Erin, you are so right about it just being a season! With a 4 year old, a 2 year old and an 8 month old, things get crazy! But you’re also right about nurturing the relationship with your husband. We’re lucky enough to have BOTH sets of grandparents nearby, so we have nights where I can put the little guy down and leave the two big kids with their grandparents while we get out. Sometimes it’s as simple as running errands (and picking out a new mattress!), but we also went to see Brad Paisley a few weeks ago. I married my husband and created this family because I love him, and I don’t want him to be stranger when the kids leave (or even when the youngest is 5)!
Soon enough! 🙂 You are lucky you have such a great hubs!
There needs to be about 12 more hours to every day for the stuff there just isn’t time for. It is easy for your relationship to take a back seat when you have a baby. I’m sure someone wouldnt mind coming over to watch that precious baby for you!
Erin! My 3rd turns one on Saturday and I feel like we are finally able to go out and enjoy a dinner. However, when ours were tiny I would feed the kids early one night a week and then my husband and I would eat together after we put the kids down. This helped me feel more connected to him. I tried to let him know ahead of time when it would be and it gave us something to really look forward to. It really worked for us! Good luck!
Sorry, I feel for you. I only have one and she is four months old and I don’t feel like I have anytime for my husband more a less myself. My little one is tough cookie and doesn’t sleep much. On the rare occasion I do have my hands free I usually want to sleep instead of having a nice sit down with my husband! But like you said, it will get easier as they get older, just have to make it through these more hectic times. Good luck, hopefully those times will come a little sooner for you.
I understand completely, but I only have 1 baby! I feel like all I do all day is feed Landon, change his diapers, and either nap, eat, or do housework/laundry. I feel so bad when I ask my husband for help once he’s home because he works all day, even though he wants to help and spend time with his son.
We are going out to dinner on Sunday to celebrate our 2nd wedding anniversary, and my mom is coming to watch the baby for the 2 hours we are gone. I am so looking forward to some time with just my husband, but worried about being able to pump enough milk so my mom can feed Landon and not have to resort to formula (not that that would be the end of the world, but still).
How are you sleep training Hayes? Curious. We have our little one on a bit of a schedule, but when he wakes in the night for a feed is his own call.. feel free to share some tips 🙂
I am 40 years old. My children are 17, 15, and 12. I was married for 14 years. I was divorced 3 years ago. I realize I am divorced giving marital advice (LOL), but I have learned a few things. You and your husband sound like a really sweet, committed couple. I know it feels like you don’t have any time alone and you don’t, but what you are doing together is taking care of your kids, but the very most important part is that you are doing that together. I don’t believe couples drift apart as much as they were never really connected to begin with. I am divorced because my husband turned out to be someone totally different than I thought he was. There were years of lies and things that led up to the divorce. My sister and her husband have been married for 10 years. They were childhood and high school sweethearts. They have FIVE children from 9 years old to 3 months old. They don’t have any time for just the two of them, but they are a solid pair. He absolutely worships her and respects her for being a stay at home mom. She completely adores and respects him for working hard for his family and then coming home to pitch in. This is a really long comment, but I honestly believe if you are connected, have mutual respect and understanding, it will all be fine. My kids are older and trust me, it FLIES by! You will have time together in the future, but right now you two are building a family and home that you both will be so proud of that you accomplished together!
I liked this post very much; you have such a good perspective — that this is a “season”! And you are also correct to know what the fundamental priority is–your marriage! I’ve been married nearly 29 years (holy cow!!) and we’ve always tried to carve out private time for ourselves. You’ll soon find little blocks of time to reconnect and remember. We used to enjoy going to breakfast or having a little date time after church. Sometimes washing them off with a wash cloth and skipping a bath can free up an time bit of time too….:)
It’s so refreshing to read that somebody else out there puts their marriage ahead of their children…even if it doesn’t necessarily feel like it for a season, the mindset it there. Thank God for that! And thank God that while this season that you’re in is all-consuming and overwhelming at times it is a relatively short season. Pretty soon little Hayes will be sleeping through the night and you’ll have your evening back. Excellent post, Erin.
LOVE that picture of y’all!!!
And you guys totally have a hot date coming up soon enough 😉 Sesame Street here we come!! That counts right?!?
Say the word. I’ll be there in two shakes and let you wild and crazy kids let your hair down 🙂
Right there with ya lady! We were just able to sneak away last weekend and we did not know what to do with ourselves!! Thankful we have hubs to help us and be so understanding!!!
You’re right, this is a phase in your life that will pass soon, but it sure is hard while you’re in the midst of it! I struggled with the same thing (but my kids are two yrs apart) and have a husband with a very demanding work schedule that often keeps him out in the evening. I found two things were especially helpful – we always (even still though they are 5 and 3) eat dinner after they go to bed. I feed the kids at 5/5:30 and put them to bed by 7:30. We eat together around 8 and it has become completely normal to us. Second, it helped significantly when I could rearrange the baby’s schedule to align more closely with the toddler’s. It really helped when I started giving them baths together which, by the way, I did in one of those plastic tubs you can set on the kitchen counter! People thought I was insane but it truly worked for us. It was a large one and my toddler could sit on one end and the baby could lie down on the slope part of the other side. It was literally life changing. I often did (and still do) bedtime alone so I had to find a way to make it work by myself. So we did baths together, put jammies on both of them in the baby’s room, and we all rocked together in her room while she drank her last bottle. Three years later we still follow the same routine, though we use the big tub now:) You will soon start to see ways to make it work more smoothly for your family, and buy yourself the extra evening time you need as a couple too! Hang in there!!
So sweet! You guys definitely have great perspective on the big picture, and you’re aware, which is 10 steps ahead of so many! God is blessing your little family, and it’s precious to read about. Any chance you two could sneak off for a late lunch during nap time? I’m sure that’s much easier said than done, considering TC’s job and what it takes for you to get out during the day, but just a thought!
GREAT post- I totally feel you as we are in the same season- except with just one and a husband whose job lasts well into the night (yuck residency!). Here’s to hoping that we all survive unscathed :).
I got all emotional reading this b/c I could have written this post word for word! I know exactly how you feel! My girls are 16 months apart (baby is 18 months now) and we live 800 miles away from our closest family. It has been really challenging and it takes real work to remember why you’re married in the first place b/c like you said, you’re just trying to survive and put the kids first. But, it slowly gets better and I’m so excited that Hubby and I are actually going away just the two of us for 24 whole glorious hours this coming weekend! It’s been a LONG time coming! You’ll get there too and hopefully you won’t have to wait as long as we have! 🙂
This was a wonderful, sweet post. Thank you so much for so honestly sharing. I hope that you guys get a date night/weekend/moment when the time is right.
it seems to me that almost every post you’ve been writing lately is my life! i feel that the moment my husband gets home it’s catch up in 5 seconds and baby baby baby the rest of the night. i only have one baby right now, so it’s not exactly the same as you but it is hard to balance adult life and baby life. but it seems like you’re doing a pretty darn good job so far!
Could you be any sweeter?? I love that you know that this is a season and while it’s challenging, you realize how important TC is in the equation and that before long, you guys will be back on the couch hanging out in the evenings. My husband works 3 days, then off 3, 3 nights, then off 3. This rotates 365 days a year. It was exhausting with one child, I wasn’t as sweet as you are, 🙂 and while we consider baby #2, it’s something I am praying that I do better at. One day at time… Or one night at a time.
Also, could you explain sleep training some and how you keep Hayes on an every 3 hours schedule? Do you budge at all?? I had a big baby and when he hit a growth spurt, he’d eat as often as every 1.5 hours!!! There was no time to sleep! At 6 weeks, he was drinking 6 ounce bottles!! How much is Hayes drinking?? Thanks!!
I can’t even imagine what it takes to accomplish all that you do. Sending you positive thoughts and energy boosts!!
Just wanted to say thank you for this post…my husband and I are going through the exact same thing (we have a 2 1/2 year old and a 3 1/2 week old) and it was so refreshing to read about someone who is in the same stage we are. I love what you said…”i don’t want us to forget how we got here in the first place.” Thank you for your words and for your honesty…here’s to a night out soon!
I think that often just acknowledging that you WANT to be spending that time with TC again and that you appreciate ALL that he is doing for you and WITH you is enough to keep that connection…for now! Sweet post, you guys are great.
Erin,
I read this post on Monday, but am just now commenting. When I read the post I had just been in a huge argument with my fiance for these exact reasons. Lately things have not been “great”, and we have both been feeling overwhelmed and overworked. My fiance said those exact words to me, that OUR relationship should come first over our children. And that is so, so true. Thank you (again..I feel like every entry you write is written for me) for this insight. I don’t feel so alone when I see other Moms in the same boat. My fiance and I are praying and working on communicating more clearly with eachother so we can continue to raise our daughter in a peaceful, and loving environment. Making that time together is SO important, and hard to do. I’m sure your husband would appreciate you taking this time to write out these feelings too 🙂 xo