When my sweet friend, Amy, emailed me yesterday and told me she’d be doing a blog topic called “Getting Real” and wanted me to participate, I started to worry. I’ve always kept it real on my blog and have been about as open as possible about my struggles and worries. But this time I know that Amy was looking for us to do it to encourage others and I just started to worry about what I would say.
I mean, don’t get me wrong. I was mostly worried because when I think about my struggles and insecurities and things that have weighed me down over the years, I can immediately think of about ten different things. Which one would I write about?
I dated someone seriously in high school, but didn’t date anyone in college. I just knew that I’d go to college and meet my husband and that didn’t happen. Those were sad times. I was overweight for all of college and had one girl in particular who liked to point that out to me. That was a sad time. Would I ever lose the weight? I’ve gone through a rough time here in Columbia after friends moved away and TC and I were engaged where I couldn’t seem to find my place. And then again after we were married and had Hudson. And you know what? Every struggle and every prayer has been answered in God’s time.
The biggest thing I can say about not dating in college and those years of insecurity and doubt is that He was saving me. There was the perfect man for me out there and I wasn’t where I was supposed to be just yet. And I did lose the weight after some hard work and a lot of time.
But the thing I’m going to talk about today is finding my place. My value. My purpose.
You all know my recent struggles with being a SAHM. I love being home with Hudson every day and I know exactly how important that is. But I was also finding that I needed to be needed. And that’s the truth. I don’t know why, exactly, but who doesn’t like to be needed? I was becoming more and more insecure when I would think about some of the talents that I left behind and had chosen to stop using.
So I started plugging myself in more in every way that I could find. Various church commitments, activities for Hudson, Junior League commitments, etc. And that was all good, but I have been so incredibly busy lately that I’m starting to realize just how overwhelmed I am. And more commitments means that I spend more nights away from home or more time responding to emails and making phone calls.
And you know what? It took a very loud message from our Pastor during his sermon recently when the Lord told me, “a full calendar doesn’t make you important.”
Shouldn’t I just know that because He died for me, I am important? How much more important do I need to feel?
And then I look at my perfect and precious little boy and think, “Why would I want to fill my day with anything other than being with you?”
I know we all need activities away from home just as working mothers need activities away from work. I totally understand that and I’m not saying at all that I plan on quitting anything that I’ve started. But God has shown me that I have been foolish for spending so much time looking when my value and self-worth should have been plain as day to me all along.
My full calendar and extra bits of cash from my side job are not going to make me feel better about getting out of bed in the morning if I’m not seeing how important He already thinks I am. And I have to believe it, too!
Last night during Bible study, we were watching Beth Moore on video and she directed us to Acts 21:24, in which Paul says, “However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me– the task of testifying to the gospel of God’s grace.”
What I think of my life should mean nothing to me. I know that the Lord Jesus found me to be so important that He died for me. What I think doesn’t matter one little bit!
I know that not all of my readers are Believers and my prayer is that this post isn’t a turn-off for you. But this is my heart and I wanted to share it today because there may be just one other person that has gone through the same thing.
In the past few weeks I have re-prioritized and have found that not only am I less stressed, but I am also not looking for ways to be stressed. I don’t need to add a thing to my calendar and I don’t need to get phone calls from people inviting me to do things to feel loved and important.
I want to encourage all of you to visit Amy’s wonderful blog today and if you are a blogger and want to share your story, you can link up there to her post. There are quite a few really honest posts that have already been linked up and maybe one of them is something you need to read.
WOW, thank you so so much for this. You don’t know how timely this was for me to read! Thanks for sharing your heart with me.
Great post!
I, too, struggle with needing to be needed. I fill up my calendar to the point that I’m stressed and over-tired. Then, when I don’t have anything to do, I feel like I’m not important or doing enough.
Pretty cool. Your heart is beautiful.
Thank you for sharing. I can relate to this post in many ways ! I was also that “single” girl in college & few yrs. beyond that, thinking to myself “always a bridesmaid, never a bride” and then when I finally stopped looking, I met & married my prince ! I am also a SAHM who feel alot of peer pressure to be the “perfect” SAHM raising the “perfect” child. Reading blogs/tweets help me realize many other women experience these same issues. Thanks again for being so open & honest !
What a beautifully written post! Thanks for sharing it with us.
Thanks for sharing your story. It’s always a challenge to find the balance in life between being cheerfully active and being overextended. When someone I haven’t talked to in a while asks how I’ve been, I invariably answer “busy, as always!” and then list whatever activities I am pursuing. I overextended myself a lot more in the past, so now I try to be careful how much I am taking on. Sometimes it’s hard to say “no,” though!
Good for you realizing you needed to step back and focus on what is most important. 🙂 Keep holding on to that peace and love!
I could have written this post myself…I continue to struggle with needing and wanting to be needed/important – husband, daughter, family, friends, Junior League, students, neighbors and more – and I work so hard to fulfill that longing that I stretch myself to the point that I’m not useful to anyone! My husband constantly reminds me to unplug and say “No” at least once a day. It’s really hard.
Thanks for your honest post!
Love this post, and I love that Amy did this. I’ve been struggling with several things over the past year or so and it’s so nice to know that I’m not alone.
This was a great post…I am another person who struggles with wanting to be needed and it definitely does add unnecessary stress to my life.
First of all, thank you so much for posting this. It has been a deep burden in my heart, especially haven’t felt so personally bottomed out and ALONE lately. I know I’m not, but it feels like it. Second, I am so grateful that blogging has allowed me the opportunity to know you. You have sincerely become one of the people I feel most invested in.
In college, although I had a serious relationship or two…I also felt extremely alone. I was too weak to break off a relationship with a guy who I knew I wasn’t in love with because I was afraid no one else would ever love me. Then, when I finally did, I was assured by my lack of dates that I must be something less than acceptable. After all, the fun, beautiful girls never sat at home on Friday and Saturday night. I can tell you…I did. Often. I didn’t want to compromise my beliefs or faith to be popular…and, although I’m glad I didn’t…at the time I was drowning in lonliness and feelings of inadequacy. See, told you I’m a hot mess. Just wish I could have known you back then. We could’ve kept each other company…and I could have punched that girl who was mean to you in the face. 😉
Love you!
I loved reading this! Thank you so much for sharing. :]
I love this post. Lately, in anticipation of our son’s arrival, I have been really struggling with what I want. I have a fairly high pressure/high responsibility job right now (one where I am certainly “needed” as you so eloquently put it). On some days I have major anxiety over maternity leave and not being in control for those few months (pathetic, right?) On other days I say “really? work doesn’t matter THAT much.” And I go back and forth on just what it is that gives me pleasure…being needed at work, being a mother, being a wife, being a friend, etc. I think all of it makes me who I am, but particularly in the transition to motherhood, I’ve been struggling more with the idea of being needed and feeling important (i.e. “is motherhood enough?”)
Thanks for being so honest – you very much reminded me of what really matters.
This is a great post, I appreciate you being candid. I happen to be one of your readers who is not religious at all, but I do like to hear people’s experiences in answered prayers and such and it’s not off-putting at all!
Thanks Erin – this was really a nice post! It helps put things in perspective.
This is such a great post–one I’ll bookmark for sure! When I open my planner and everyday is full to the brim, I always feel better about myself, like if I’m busy, that’s more productive or better somehow–I really needed to here “A full calendar doesn’ t make you important!” Especially since that full calendar feeling always leads to burn out. Thanks for that 🙂
I too often struggle with how I measure my self worth. I get really down if I don’t have plans for a weekend or if I feel like I’m not involved enough. I feel unloved and unimportant when I look at an empty calendar. I am completely enamored with E and want to do nothing but be around her and now I struggle with time with her versus time elsewhere. I am still waiting to figure that out.. God speaks a lot to me on “contentment”. I’m definitely not there yet, but hopefully I’ll figure it out soon. Thanks for your honesty..
I’m so glad you were compelled to write this post and that He laid the words on your heart for you to share. This is something so many of us need to be mindful of in our busyness. You are such an amazing person (and friend). Above all, you certainly ARE special! Thank you for sharing. You’re clearly impacting so many lives, like mine, and I’m deeply grateful. xoxo
Thank you for sharing. You are always so great at being honest with your readers. Even though, I consider you a friend now that we have met, I feel like I knew you before because of your heartfelt honesty in all your posts.
I too share some of the insecurities you have. It’s something I work on a daily basis to improve.
Isn’t it amazing how a sermon at mass/church can feel like the priest/pastor is speaking to you directly? I felt this feeling this past weekend at mass. One of the songs we sang even moved me to tears. I’ve taken the message and am applying it to my daily living.
I needed that quote today: “a full calendar doesn’t make you important”. How true! Erin, thank you for sharing this post today!!
Great post 🙂 I actually started reading the Beth Moore book, “So Long, Insecurity” a few days ago and am enjoying it so far. Its really easy for me to look for my identity in other things rather than finding my identity in Christ!
Thank you so much for sharing. Your post really spoke to me as I am currently facing the same struggles being a new SAHM with a baby due in 4 weeks and just having relocated to a new city. Your post is a breath of fresh air. Also, thank you for the church recommendation awhile back. We visited Shandon and loved it and went to Dinner with the Pastor last night. It feels like home. Thank you!
I love you for all that you are and I am blessed to call you a friend. GREAT post and very eye opening Erin!
Blessings to you Erin, thanks for the honest post. You are an amazing person. Thank you for reminding us of our busy-ness.
This is such a beautiful post, and such a wonderful message. Being a SAHM myself, I understand exactly what you are talking about. I’ve found that being one, though, has forced me to calm down and stop focusing on myself and MY agenda– is having lunch with my girlfriends adding more to my “self worth” if I do it every week versus once or twice a month? Sometimes, it’s such a relief to hear other people expressing your own frustrations, and you always do it so eloquently. Thank you for continuing to be so wonderfully honest and thoughtful.
Oh Erin! This gave me chills and was something I SO needed to hear. I must bookmark this for future moments of feeling like I’m not important (which, unfortunately, I have quite often).
I would love to have the opportunity to be a SAHM when I decide to have children. And I do agree–having a list full of commitments doesn’t make you an important person–it’s something I have to constantly remind myself as well!
What a great post! I just joined my first bible study and we are reading a book from the Women of Faith series called Living a Life of Balance, and I struggle so much with finding balance in my life (faith, relationships, work, exercise, etc) and it is so hard to prioritize the right things. As someone who also always says yes to commitments, which takes us away from other things, it is hard to learn to find the balance.
On another note, I also did not date in college and a few years after graduation (when I was 24) really started to exercise and get in shape and feel so much more comfortable with myself. Now, I have an amazing boyfriend who I can’t wait to marry and have a family with. I sometimes wonder why I didn’t have dating opportunities in college, but now I know I was waiting for the right person for me all along, and finally I found him!
Thanks for doing this post. I have been going through a tough time right now with potential changes and while we may be dealing with different situations you still reminded me that God has a plan and that I need to trust and have faith in that plan. Thanks for the inspiration! 🙂
This is such a beautiful post and you make such good points. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Last year I had the same situation occur. I was in the midst of what I call my “identity crisis”. I was tired of just being “Maddie’s mom”. I wanted to feel like I mattered again. I am blessed to be a SAHM for my children but really felt like I had lost a piece of me in the process. I too, filled my days with “stuff”, church, volunteering at school, leading a Bible study, and I couldn’t bring my self to say No to anything that came my way. Sitting in church last Labor Day weekend, God spoke a Scripture to me that I jotted down to come back to later. I became “busy” in my everyday life that I didn’t have the chance to address the Scripture right away. Well, boy should I have. I came down with an asthma attack that landed me in the hospital, away from my precious children, for a week. I haven’t even had a hint of asthma in 16 years. God was telling me that if I wouldn’t slow down on my own, He would slow me down. I took that week to re-evaluate my priorities and to coach myself into saying No more frequently. I have come through this knowing that God has my best interests in mind and that I need to trust and follow Him more. Life is sooo short, I don’t want to waste it on the fruitless.
What a wonderful post! I have actually been reading your blog for over a year and have never commented! I have to tell you that your posts are always written so beautifully and positively. You have such wonderful taste and I truly enjoy checking your blog every single day.
Please know you aren’t alone in wanting to feel needed and fulfilled while being at home. I was at home for a short while in 2005-2007, which was a huge adjustment because I had worked since I was 18 years old. My husband and I bought an old craftsman style bungalow in Minden, LA, and I stayed home to renovate. I was also going to the fertility doctor. When our fertility treatments failed, my husband and I decided that I would go back to work. I began to volunteer for my work and we joined the Minden historic district association. In hindsight, I think I was trying to fill the baby void and show that I was involved in the community. But, I wasn’t fulfilled. I thought if I had the “full calendar” then I would look and feel important. I have since changed jobs and changed my priorities. I work full-time for another company (the company my husband works for), write, and my husband and I cycle in our free time. And I honestly don’t care what people think of me. Yes, it may be perceived as being selfish because I’m not involved in everything under the sun, but I can truly say that I am fulfilled now. And this year at work I turned down volunteering at our company fall fair and it felt really good! I really think it’s all about what brings you joy. I work and that helps our standard of living. I write at night and I feel like that stimulates my creativity. And my husband and I cycle, which keeps us healthy. Do what you love and everything will fall into place. 🙂
P.S. I read that you are a Louisiana Tech graduate! My husband is a senior at Tech trying to finish his engineering degree. Go Bulldogs! 🙂
Great post! Thanks for sharing, I know it wasn’t easy. It’s so good to know that all of us as women go through struggles but we make it through with God’s help and each others support. Wish you well as you figure it all out!
Erin,
Thank you so much for posting this. It was so refreshing to hear that I am not alone. I am in a completely different stage of life and yet I still face feeling the need to be important.
Thank you for sharing your heart so openly.
Erin- You have such a great way of putting things into words that others feel, but might have a hard time expressing ! That was a great post!!!
God has given you this gift…. keeping on using it! But always leave room for Erin time on that Mommy calendar!!!!
Emma Bays and I are very lucky to have met you and Hudson…. you have helped us navigate this world of SAHM….. Some think that it is such an EASY job….. they have NO CLUE! It can be very hard to meet others when you leave your work and stay at home to raise your child!! You still enjoy going out and and having “FUN” ….. I really do think we get from the world what we give!!!
I am so moved by this post and your honesty. You made me reevalute value as well. God doesn’t care if our paycheck is bigger than someone elses or whose job has more prestige. He cares about how we treat eachother and live in His name. Thanks for this post it really was a great one.
On of the things that I love so much about reading your blog is that you are ALWAYS real and ALWAYS inspiring/encouraging/motivating, even if you don’t know you are doing it. Thank you for sharing!
Thanks so much for sharing my friend! I know the feeling and trying to follow Jesus and glorify HIM with your talents and gifts, yet knowing that He has entrusted you with the precious gift of your little one. It’ s a hard balance. Thank you for sharing your heart and wisdom!
What a lovely post. I also am a sahm and can relate to your struggles and the need to keep busy to sort of justify yourself. Thanks you for the inspirational quotes.
Your honest posts are incredibly refreshing but this one literally brought tears to my eyes. I’ve been allowing work, long hours and overscheduling, to take over my life and I feel like I’ve lost focus. This is a great reminder that I need to open myself up and allow Him to guide me, instead of trying to fill my day with outside less-important things. I’m not defined by my job and I need to keep investing and growing in my faith, instead of letting that be the first thing that falls off my plate. I’m scared to reprioritize, scared that I may miss something, but if I don’t find new focus, I’m going to neglect what’s truly important. Thank you for this post – I needed to read this!
What a wonderful, wonderful post!
Your post felt like you were writing directly to me. As a newlywed, and young professional in my career I continuously have moments of self doubt. Am I being the wife God and my husband want me to be? Am I giving enough in my career to continue pushing me forward? Am I giving to much of myself to my career that I don’t have enough for my husband? I know that if I have these feelings now they will be be amplified when I become a mother but I am praying that God grants me a peace above all understanding to know that I am doing exactly what I should be doing.
Thanks so much for encouraging me and reminding me that I am enough.
“A full calendar doesn’t make you important.” …..oooo I so needed that reminder today. Thank you!
Beautiful post and something we all need to be reminded of. Thank you for sharing your heart and your faith.
This blog post really hit home with me. I am a lawyer. However, I am also the mother of two small babies. I have always been career-oriented, but something happened with Mason and Julia were born. Everything changed, and I found it increasingly difficult to go to work.
Because of my student loans, I cannot afford to stay at home. So, I did the next best thing–I took a job teaching high school. A lot of my colleagues think I am crazy. However, the hours are amazing, the job is rewarding, and I am able to spend more time with my family.
God is good!