“Well, I’m at home all day, so I feel like I can take that on, so I do.”
This is actually a sentence I’ve heard myself say to my husband or my mom a few times. I’m a volunteer. I step up. I hear that someone is in need and I think, “eh, what’s one more responsibility?”
And then the response I get from them is, “that’s completely false– you shouldn’t be expected to do something just becaues you’re at home.”
Before I know it, I’ve committed to five different volunteer positions at church, my Junior League placement, and countless favors for friends. And to think I’ve written posts about finding things to keep me fulfilled! Now it seems I don’t have time to take on anything else.
Yesterday my dad passed along a Wall Street Journal article by Jeffrey Zaslow that talks about how people who work from home, stay-at-home caregivers, retirees, or those that are out of work are often targeted to take on the extras like picking up someone’s children, babysitting, running errands, volunteer rolls, dog-sitting, etc.
I was really able to relate a lot to this article because I feel like in the 14 months that I’ve worked at home (and I do believe that I’m working) I’ve taken on more extra responsibilities than I ever allowed myself to do when I was working outside the home. I was able to say “no” then because I was busy. But I honestly wasn’t nearly as busy then as I am now and I’m just not sure why I continue to say “yes” when I’m unsure of how I can take it all on.
One thing I’ve found is that in the areas where I’ve stepped up to volunteer or have responded positively to someone’s call, they’re roles and responsibilities of which I feel passionately and feel that my talents can be used there. I want to be reliable, but I also want to please, which makes it hard to say “no.”
I could list out the responsibilities and volunteer roles I’ve taken on, but I don’t want this post to sound like I have any resentment toward these responsibilities. I’m happy to help and happy to do what is needed. And I happen to love working with children at church and getting to practice my party planning skills, and I’ve been fortunate enough to volunteer in roles that exercise those skills.
But I also want to avoid being a target. I have to remind myself to be careful of the volunteer positions that turn into the equivalent of a full-time job. And I always want to have a complete understanding of what I’m volunteering to do before I do it! I’ve gotten better at saying “no” over time, but there are also times when I don’t want to say “no.” Something comes my way that I really want to do I’m going to say “yes.”
At the end of the day, though, I still have to fulfill my number one responsibility and that’s Hudson. Even if my volunteering includes helping out with his age group in the church nursery, Hudson is still my main focus.
I’ve also found that as a stay-at-home mom, I’m a target for door to door solicitors. Because there’s a car in the driveway, the salesman, Mormon missionaries, Jehovah’s witnesses, people looking to do yardwork, and countless others will ring the doorbell and expect me to answer. And when I have answered the door in the past, it has led to long conversations where I’m trying to explain that I need to go because I have a job to do and they’re trying to talk to me more. I know that these people have their jobs and their causes, as well, but sometimes I just don’t have time to stand around.
I also don’t think it’s safe to be opening the door to a stranger in the middle of the day. Boudreaux and Fiona aren’t the best guard dogs!
There are countless responsibilities that I have taken on in the last year and there are scenarios and wonderful opportunities that I never thought I’d encounter. But I don’t want to be taken advantage of by those I work with or be seen as a sucker just because there’s someone at home during the day.
Do y’all have any tricks or tips? Any advice? I’ve heard of people that leave a sign on the door all day that says “baby sleeping” even if there isn’t even a baby that lives there. That might work!
And I do need to get better at saying “no” to the things that just aren’t important to me.
Our house is at the very front of the neighborhood so I’m an even BIGGER target than I already would be as a stay-at-home mom. My car stays in our driveway, so it does look as though someone is home almost always. It’s obvious! I do NOT answer the door unless I’m expecting someone. I don’t think it’s safe at all. I don’t worry about offending anyone, I just don’t open it. We have long, skinny windows on either side of the door and I had blinds installed several months ago so that I can look through the peephole now to check. I will open the door if it’s a delivery and I’m expecting something, but other than that I pretend not to be home.
We’ve heard it since, what, 1st grade? “Just say NO!” I think (especially) southern women are afraid of offending people and being rude. Sometimes, it just boils down to saying “no” to people when you truly aren’t in the mood to talk or do something. Let’s face it, if you’re not “in the mood” or too busy, you most likely won’t put as much effort into it anyway. Or, at least that’s the way I am! 🙂 If I say “yes!” to something or someone, I want to give it my all. If you’re spread to thin, something’s gotta give. You know?
This was on the Today Show this morning. Very interesting. I have a hard time saying no too. A tip for the solicitor problem– I had a very nice, elegant plate engraved that says “No solicitors” that I place in our window (close to the front door). It sits on a ledge so if I want to take it off (ex: Girl Scout cookie time, or a dinner party, etc.) I can simply remove it.
This happens to me a lot too I’ve noticed… especially since staying home. I find myself more busy, more stressed and more tired running around doing “things” than when I was working w/ children! I’m trying to ask myself if these responsibilities & tasks that I’m taking on are really going to pay off in the long run for my whole family and how each of us will benefit from it- or even maybe not benefit from it. Uggg. It’s hard- I know. I hate saying no- I’m a huge sucker!!!
As far as opening the door. I’ve stopped doing it just because of safety. I don’t care how nice your neighborhood is… there are crazy people out there and you are home alone with your child. Love your posts… LOVE YOU!!!!
I feel so bad for not answering the door sometimes… but with a baby, sorry. I agree that its not safe either. I understand that maybe a little over the top but I’m not taking ANY chances!
I have a hard time saying no as well.
One idea – make yourself a rule – anytime someone asks you to help or sign-up give the same answer ‘Let me check my schedule/committments and get back to you’. Give yourself 24 or 48 hours before giving them a response. That will help you not feel pressured when you are put on the spot – and give you the time you need to really think about whether it’s something you want to commit to. It’ll be easier to say ‘NO’ when you are the one making the phone call (to respond) since you’ll have the control.
I have a friend who’s father works from home and apparently he puts a sign up that says he’s sleeping during the day because he works nights and that keeps all people away from even ringing the doorbell. just thought i would pass that along.
Saying no is tough. I’ve found myself very over-extended recently but always pressure myself to take on more, to see friends on weeknights, to do things I simply don’t want to do! I’m working on being more protective of my time and not apologizing for it. I definitely feel happier this way. Good luck!
I’m not a mom and I work outside the home, but I can still relate to this post. Not only do I want everyone around me to be happy, but I’ll sometimes end up taking on their burdens as well. Before I know it, I’m stressing out about everything because I have too much on my plate. I think it’s a good idea, whatever season of life you’re in, to take a step back and re-evaluate your priorities. Thanks for posting this!
If you say “yes” once, it’s like you’re put on a list of “people who say ‘yes'”. People will be diappointed when they hear “no”, especially if you’ve always said “yes”. But you (and I) have to do it.
After missing worship (or Big Church as I still call it) for a year because I agreed to be a 3rd grade Sunday School teacher, I decided it was too much. I’ve got kids at home that exhaust me, and I need to worship with my family and recharge on Sundays. So after fulfilling my responsibility, I declined to teach the following year. The response I got, “Well, we’ll just have to pray that God sends a replacement for you.” Um, yeah, I guess we will. Thanks for the guilt. And you’re welcome for helping you for the last year.
And you know what? Someone else stepped up and volunteered. And it may have been a HUGE blessing for them, whereas it would’ve dragged me down to do it again.
The world will keep turning and other suckers–I mean, volunteers–will emerge if we decline some things. 😉
Have you considered a “No Soliciting” sign? I’ve seen some cute ones lately. That will likely help with the sales calls. I just don’t answer the door if I’m home alone on “my” time. Of course, once the dogs start barking it’s almost too late since I’m sure they’ve woken Hudson up if he’s napping.
And, I’m not a SAHM, though I hope to be one day, but I can relate to it being hard to say no. Especially to family. But, I’m getting better. In fact, I’ve gotten really good at saying no to things I’d rather not do. I mean, we can’t do it all!
I’m not at home during the day, at least not usually, but, sometimes we get people stopping by during the weekends and our sofa faces the front door (hate this) and we have a big glass window in our front door (hate this too), so, it’s rather obvious if I’m just sittin’ on the sofa watchin’ TV when someone rings the doorbell. Eeek.
I tend to overcommit as well–I hate to disapoint anyone by saying ‘no’. I’m trying to get better, but, it’s hard–I forget that I need down time, I need sleep, etc. My husband is very helpful because he tries to remind me that ya know, I might be able to say no to X because I’m also doing Y and Z. I don’t have much advice, but, at least there’s a lot of us overextenders out there, right?
I saw this on the Today show this morning. I know what you mean… just because you’re at home all day must mean that you can volunteer to help everyone and their friend. I think that Today had some great suggestions- don’t answer your phone (or door) while you are working (because raising your baby is your job)… or maybe just screen calls/visitors. If it’s important, they’ll leave a message. Also, maybe take some time every week to see if you have the time/energy/ability to take something else on before someone comes to you asking. If you already know that your plate is completely full then you will be able to say no without feeling bad.
Remember- your husband and baby are your #1 priority- don’t let them go without because you’re helping 18374 other people.
I’m a stay at home mom of two and I suffer with the same thing. The only thing I can suggest as far as people coming to the door is that you and Hudson’s safety comes first. I have a 3 year old and a 20 month old so when the doorbell rings they know to not say a thing, the tv goes on mute and we immediately walk to the guestroom to look and see who’s ringing the doorbell. otherwise you run the risk of some crazy knowing that you are at home with a baby. As for people asking you to run errands or volunteer for things I suggest you do only two things a month and that’s it. But only if it won’t inconvenience your JOB of taking care of Hudson. I hate to say no but if you don’t you will end up living your life for other people. I give you this advice while I am at home babysitting my sister’s two kids along with my two because I can’t say no to my sister. ( I guess it comes with being a caring person). Maybe I should take my own advice!! God Bless…
I saw a report on the Today Show about this very thing! So many people just try to take advantage.
Several friends of mine have the “do not knock, baby sleeping” sign and it seems to work, just be sure and take it off when you have friends or delivery food 🙂 I am a SAHM too but I find myself wanting to do more, we literally sit at home and play all day. Yes I cook, clean and work all day but I feel like I should volunteer. Pass some of your work to me, and go check out the giveaway on my blog!
Placing a “baby sleeping” sign on the door is a good solution, simply place it near the doorbell or at eye-level where a solicitor can see it. As a southern gal, and a stay at home mother for 10 years, I’m used to neighbors popping by. This made identifying solicitors hard at first. After my second child I wasn’ty as afraid to say “no” to them, though, and actually embraced the fact that our HOA had a no solicitors policy. I’d kindly point this out to the men and women that interupted my (or my son’s) naps. If you have a HOA, you should see what their policy on soliciting is.
You have a good heart, and I can appreciate taking on the world when it seems like you have more time to do things. But being a mother really is a full-time, all encompasing job. It is allright to smile and say no if someone asks us to do things. I’m so glad you’ve got a great support team and the insight to know this. Take care and have a lovely weekend!
I have the same problem with solicitors and I’m seriously considering getting a “Baby Sleeping” sign. But unfortunately, like a previous poster, our couch faces the front door and we also have a huge window facing the door. Sometimes, if I see someone coming up the driveway to sell something, I will go to the back of the house and ignore the doorbell. I don’t want to be rude to anyone but I’m just not taking chances of some crazy person coming to the door, even if we are in a safe neighborhood!
As far as the volunteering, I can get myself a bit overextended too. I really enjoy being involved in stuff but between Jr. League, church, occasionally working part-time, and my full-time job as a SAHM, I stay super busy. If someone asks me to volunteer for something, I tell them I’ll have to look at my schedule and get back to them.
I love your blog!
Have a great night!
I wanted to add my two cents because I am a SAHM and at times have felt the pressure to commit to things on the weekends but my husband and daughter are number one and have guilt in saying “no” if it takes away too much time. At the end of my life, other obligations will not matter but the precious moments with my family will be what has meant the most. Also, I can’t stand being stressed and know better than to commit to something that will not only take time away from family but leave me feeling frazzled when I need to be my best for my fam.
Everything in moderation is kinda what I go by. That and don’t answer the door if you simply don’t feel like it. :o)
Cheers,
Dana
I never thought of this, but it’s SO true.
I work from 4-8 days a month (working on my laptop and on conference calls all day for my job at “Large Consulting Firm”) and I feel like people don’t take me seriously — like I’m NOT actually working or something. Sometimes even my husband (love him) will come and ask why the house is messy when I’m working from home — to which I reply, “um because I was working all day. Ya know, making money, not just watching Soap Operas or something.”
At least no one come to my door. One benefit of living in a condo high rise with an elevator that requires an access card! 🙂 That would be really annoying. And no, I don’t think it’s safe for you to answer the door either. Sadly.
One thing I wanted to add about the not-answering the door thing. I heard years ago that burglars often ring the bell first to ascertain is someone is home before proceeding around the side to break in somewhere. If someone is home, they move along the the next target. So, I always *respond* to the person at the door, I just don’t open it, and I tell them through the door that I am in the middle of something and I’m not interested.
As for the volunteer thing, after years and years of over-committing myself. I finally started doing what one of your previous commenters suggested, saying “let me check my commitments and let you know.” My children are in first grade next year, so I said to someone recently, “let me get them into the school year and see how things go. I’ll let you know in September.” This was for something later in the year, so I really had time to think about it. I’ve also decided I’m going to commit only in “semester” and “school year” increments. and make that clear to people. So, you’re not roped into something indefinitely. With having a little one, that’s a ways off you, but maybe you could adapt it to something that works for you. 60 or 90 days at a time. Obviously, JL placements and “event” oriented commitments don’t work that way, but a lot of things do.
Best of Luck!!
Saw this on the Today Show this morning…so interesting. Hopefully the article & segment will make others (non stay at home moms) aware that they do this.
i’m so terrible at saying no. i’ve really been trying to work at putting up boundaries so i can keep enjoying volunteering and helping friends out but not be burnt out from it. i’ve also considered putting up a “no soliciting” sign on the front door. i wonder if anyone has recommended any cute, no so tacky signs.
When I look through the peephole, and it’s someone I do not know, I just don’t even open the door. Perhaps I’m evading the issue, but it works.
I have a hard time saying no. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by taking on too many projects and end up having to say no and feel bad. But in the end I have to remember to tell myself I really am doing a lot and people notice.
I just found your blog and I love it! I work from home as well, and I just don’t bother answering the door most days. My desk is in the front room and I can see through the blinds pretty clearly without anyone seeing me, so if I don’t recognize them, the door isn’t answered. I also second the “no solicitors” sign.
As far as saying no… That’s tough, isn’t it? But just ask yourself, “Can I do this and still pay adequate attention to my baby and my job?” (For example, maybe it’s a commitment for the weekend.) If the answer is no, don’t do it!
I understand where you are coming from, I totally over commit myself and end up speading myself thin! A woman I completely respect once told me… Don’t let the good things get in the way of the best things. I have taken that advice to heart and I have learned that just because it’s something fun or interesting doesn’t mean I should commit!
On a lighter note, I love your blog! Can’t wait for the bookclub to get kicked off. I just finished the book and I loved it. BTW….have you checked out Chelsea Clinton’s wedding dress? BEAUTIFUL!
I think this is something many women – SAHMs, single working women, married working women without kids, and career Moms – struggle with. It’s in our nature to be Wonder Woman and accept more than we can take on. For me, it’s with my job. As a community leader, I always volunteer to help other organizations in the community and I wind up taking on a lot more than I can handle. Then I end up being gone longer hours during the week and weekends, taking time away from my husband and family. I may not have a child to consider, but allocating time for my husband, sister and even dogs is just as important. Everyone knows her limit and the challenge becomes staying within that limit without apologizing for it.
I can relate to this post but accept the fact that it’s really ME who is at fault (not that you are, but this is my situation) I work 50+ hours a week outside the home and have 4 boys 7 and under, including an infant. And yet I actually feel GUILTY for not taking on the responsibility of the neighborhood block party like I did last year (when I was 9 months pregnant – what was I thinking?) But I just have to get over it because if anyone actually has the NERVE to fault me for not organizing it, they are WAY out of line!
I’m guessing people “targeting” you has more to do with you being a very capable person than being a SAHM. My sister in law is a SAHM and we all know she can’t handle ANYTHING in addition to her one child, age 5. Some people are known for being able to “do it all” and apparently you must be one of them. Be flattered! (But, yes, scale back when you can!)
I don’t have a suggestions that others haven’t given but I DO have on regarding Jehovah’s Witnesses. You may ask them to include you on a “DO NOT CALL” list and they will never return.
They are generally very respectful of your privacy that way.
I WOULD LOVE THE ROUND ONE
Isn’t it funny how we feel bad when we tell someone no. I find that I catch myself fumbling through words if I try to say no (and explain why) to someone. Or we think about how we can rearrang eour schedule to fit that other person’s favor in. Silly, huh? Oprah had an episode about this topic a long time ago.
I am a teacher so I stay at home with my 2 daughters in the summer. I just don’t answer the door, and I try to make sure the 3 year old stays quiet until the door bell ringer walks away. Your house. Your business. You do not have to answer. 🙂 I used to, but it’s too much trying to hold back 2 children and shoo the person off of your porch.
I put up a sign that says, “Baby Sleeping. Please don’t knock or ring the doorbell. If you need to reach me, please call or leave a business card.”
I figure if they are a friend, they’ll have my number and will call. If they are selling something, they can leave a business card and I can call them if I’m interested. So far, it has worked well!
Hmm…I originally liked the idea of putting the baby sleeping sign on the door, but now I am not so sure I want strangers knowing I have a baby. I guess I am just more paranoid about safety as a mom :). Perhaps just yell through the door that you do not accept door solicitation… I hear you about being a target – I suppose just keep placing limits that work best for your family!