Tonight, I swapped emails with a sweet reader who emailed me to encourage me and to share the story of her father’s battle with melanoma. The blogging and Twitter community have brought some of the smartest, most loving and encouraging people into my life. Who says blogging and tweeting are a waste of time?
In our email exchange, we talked about the interesting and careful balance between the parent and the patient. She cautioned me to continue to treat my mother like my mother and not like the melanoma patient.
This was something I had been thinking about a lot over the past few days. And I’m sure my sweet mom has noticed it, too. I wake up every morning and the first thing I can think of is to call her to check on her.
“Are you in pain?”
“Are you able to get around okay?”
She hasn’t begun treatment yet, so I’m sure these questions will change as this road continues. And we still don’t know what treatment, if any, is required.
But why haven’t I thought to ask her what she thought of the season finale of Glee when she was finally able to watch it?
I love her so and I know that she is so grateful that my brother and I were able to come to Dallas to care for her last week. This is what the Lord would have us do and what I only pray Hudson will do for me someday.
“Honor they father and thy mother; that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee.” Exodus 20:12
But my heart was beating out of my chest tonight as I thought of how I’ve probably hurt her feelings by turning her into the patient and moving the precious titles “parent” and “friend” behind “patient.”
I know that for us, she wants our lives to press on. And I know that she has every intention of pressing on with hers.
Well, perhaps the best way for me to honor my mother is to not only care for her, but to help her maintain her identity. Her warm, loving, talented, creative, funny identity.
This whole melanoma thing will no doubt change us, but I only hope it will change us all for the better. I pray it will cause us to love more and focus on the fun stuff and hold her hand through the rough stuff. But I don’t want to take her identity away from her.
My prayer is that this whole process is just a blip in time and we will have 30 more years to laugh and love together. But in the meantime, we’re going to live like we do have 30 more years together. No matter what diagnosis we hear.
Many prayers for your mother! Beautiful post! COL 3:15 Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.
This is a very raw and honest post that I can relate to! My dad had colon cancer 5 years ago and it was so hard to not put the patient in front. It will get easier and I think of you and your family often. Hang in there, you are a great daughter, mother, wife, and friend.
Prayers to you and your entire family. <3
This is so true.
When my mom was sick – I was probably the worst daughter. All I could do was try and make sure she was ok… at the expense of everything that made her her. I even gained 20 pounds trying to force her to eat more. “Mom, do you want some ice cream? I do. How about McDonalds – I’m getting some for myself.” And on and on and on.
Thank you for sharing! Very insightful.
Erin,
I just read your post and it brought tears to my eyes.. I currently have a mother who has been struggling for years with stage 4 liver disease. Many times, I find myself worrying late night, calling her several times during the day and just being overly anxious about her status.. I noticed what you were writing about how you were upset that you may or may not have been treating your mother like a patient and not like a mom. Truth be told you can’t blame yourself for how you may be reacting to her current condition. I think it is normal for a person to want to treat their moms the way maybe they were treated by them when they needed something.
There is no right or wrong way to handle a situation like this. Uncertainty surrounds us and creates an element of fear which overtime can ruin us if we choose to not grasp God’s ultimate plan. We can only love our parents the way we understand how too. If you do things from your heart than your mother will know you are doing what you are feeling you should do.
My dad is currently in a rehab facility because of a motorcycle accident on Memorial Day weekend and I harass myself every time I leave when I go over our conversations in my head for doing the exact same thing. All the little questions that the nurses are asking him are constantly streaming out of my mouth too. I’m trying to get better about this, but am CONSUMED with worry and I hate that he’s able to see that. How do you replace your worry with prayer? I’m trying, and admittedly struggling somedays! Praying for your family!
I am praying for your mother and your family. You are her daughter and of course she will worry. She understands!
Wonderful attitude to have Erin, and I’m praying for you and your Mom and the road ahead!!!
What wonderful advice! Too often when we find our parents dealing with illness or surgery we jump into “parent” mode and try to make everything better. That is, after all, what they did (and do) for us when we’re not feeling well or going through challenging times so it’s normal that we’d want to do the same for them. I pray you’re able to find the right balance between loving on & taking care of your mom and treating her like the strong, able-bodied person she is. This time is surely scary for you but try not to dwell so much on those scared feelings so you don’t miss out on this time you have with her. I find I worry so much about “what ifs” that many times I miss out on all the amazing things I have in my life because I’m so focused on the other. Hugs to you!
Prayers for your wonderful mom and family. You are a great daughter, and I have no doubt you’ll be able to give your mom everything she needs.
Just wanted you to know I will be praying for your entire family, as this process becomes much more than one individuals diagnosis. I was diagnosed with melanoma at 25, and have been a patient at MD Anderson for the past 4 years. I was very lucky in that they caught it early (thanks to my mom’s nagging, or I’d have never had it looked at). I had surgery to remove it, and have been going back home to Houston for 6 month check-ups ever since. I hated my huge scar at first, but now it is a daily reminder of what I experienced, the people I met at the hospital who had it much worse than I, and what I need to do in order to avoid ever having to travel down that road again.
It will definitely intensify relationships and put all things in perspective, but I have faith all will be ok with your mom. She (and you) will most definitely be in my prayers and on my mind. xoxo
You just gave yourself (and all of us) some really great advice. “Help your mother to maintain her identity.” My father was diagnosed with cancer five years ago (http://bit.ly/93nJCR), and the battle was incredibly difficult. He lost a lot of weight, he lost the callouses on his hands, he lost his voice. But he never, ever lost his identity. No matter how sick he felt, he continued to crack jokes with the doctors and nurses. He continued to strum his guitar and play golf. He wanted us to treat him like him, not a cancer patient. He’s so strong, and I know that your mother is, too. I will keep her and your family in my prayers.
Erin,
Thanks for the reminder. I feel like your posts are always so timely for what is weighing on my mind. I am dealing with cancer in the family as well (and also being so far away) and I find myself doing those same things. I struggle with wondering how much pain she is in and what it would feel like. I needed this reminder about not treating her like the patient she already is to so many doctors, nurses, etc. and just let her continue to be my grandmother that I have regular conversations with. I’ll be keeping you and your mom/family in my prayers too.
Wow… thanks for sharing this. My dad was diagnosed in March with Stage 4 lung and bone cancer and I have been experiencing the same thing. I probably treat him (and even my mom, to an extent) like patients instead of people. While trying to be the non-emotional, practical one worried about treatment, paperwork, insurance, and wills, I know I have neglected my role as a daughter. Thanks for writing this post… it was a real wake-up call to me.
You, your mom, and your family are in my prayers.
Erin you are such a wonderful daughter. My thoughts are with you and your family!
just remember that no matter what, you have more of a future with her (here on earth AND in eternity) than a past. you will be together in glory! praise the Lord.
i totally appreciate your honesty. i can’t even imagine what all you’re going through right now. you have a beautiful heart, and it is apparent in your love for your family and the Lord.
you really are an incredible person erin. thanks for this. i’ve never thought of things this way..
Erin, this is SO true. I have been in and out of remission three times for leukemia and had melanoma last year. I stopped telling any of my friends because nobody seemed to care about ME anymore. Nobody invited me to the movies or to hang out on a weekend, because surely I was too sick. Nobody asked what I thought of the newest TV show or what books I had been reading – just questions about my health. I never took off a semester of college while I was on chemotherapy, because I wanted my life to still feel “normal”, but in the end, everybody else just seemed to remind me everyday how sick I really was. I think this is a GREAT lesson for everyone… your family/friends are still the same people, and often it is nice to have a distraction to NOT have to think/talk about how terrible you feel!
Believe me when I say you are not alone. My grandfather recently spent 3+ months in a rehab facility due to an serious infection from diabetes complications. He had to either stay in a wheelchair or in bed, and I know he was bored to death. Yet whenever we would visit I would would find myself asking how are you feeling?, are you eating?, are you tired?, etc. I had to make a concerted effort to talk about other things, and when I did he really began to cheer up. It’s hard when you’re worried, and I know that your mom just appreciates the effort 🙂
Hi Erin–I just wanted to say how wonderful this post was about your attitude. I lost my aunt a few years ago to melanoma, and it was just awful. We all treated her like a kid rather than a mother/wife/aunt/sister, and I wish we had done this. Oh-and I also loved when you said you had to bite your tongue about tanning beds! I just did a post a few days ago about how I’m a stickler for sunscreen and against tanning beds.
Saying prayers for you and your family. Have you ever thought about, in time, using your talents for event planning to benefit those who have/are suffering with melanoma?
My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer 8 years ago and I remember feeling the same way. It was hard to just act normal around her because I was constantly worried about her health. Praise God – she is now 8 years cancer free and I cherish her every single day. Praying for your mom and your family as you battle this thing.
I’m so sorry that your mom has melanoma. 🙁 I cannot even begin to imagine what you’re all going through, and how frightening this is for you all. All I can offer is to faithfully pray for your mom and her doctors. ((hugs))