We had a great week last week as we traveled through the state of Louisiana and visited so many wonderful friends and family members. It was great catching up with everyone and I’m thrilled that Hudson was able to meet so many people who love him.
I also enjoyed talking to everyone about motherhood and this new part of my life. There were, however, a few moments when I felt like I just didn’t have an answer to the questions. I’m a stay-at-home-mom now and stay really busy all day long taking care of Hudson and making sure all of his needs are met.
When I was talking to some of our friends this week, a few of them asked, “Well, what are you doing now?”
This was right after I told them I quit my job at the end of July and decided to stay home with Hudson. I told them again, though, when they asked the question. “I’m staying home with Hudson.”
“Yeah, but what are you doing?”
Hmm…. “Well, I’m feeding, burping, changing, playing, rocking, cleaning bottles, making bottles, feeding, burping, changing, playing, rocking, etc.”
“No, but what else are you doing?”
See what I mean? I just don’t know how to answer the question. I chose to stay home because I wanted to be the one at home with our baby. Occasionally I have to go to a doctor’s appointment or I go get my hair cut and highlighted. I take him with me to the store and we’re at the point when we are bringing him to dinner with us instead of staying in all the time.
The question got me thinking about what it is I’m doing. Don’t get me wrong. I’m 100% happy and content about my decision to stay home with Hudson. But should I be doing something else?
I’m not working from home in a way that I get a paycheck. I’m not a runner. That would take up a lot of time and be a really healthy hobby.
I am in the Junior League and am about to get really busy with my placement. (I’m on Holiday Market Tickets again this year as the Co-Vice Chair.) We’re involved with our Sunday school class and enjoy all of the time we spend with our friends.
I guess the question just caught me off guard. I didn’t feel defensive, but I did question myself and my self-worth. Isn’t it crazy how one person can make you feel that way? I love my life and I love how I spend my day. I am so much happier every day than I was six months ago when I was completely stressed out. I felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders with everything I was trying to get done at work between all of the events, the budgets, and teaching classes that I wasn’t getting paid to teach. Life is good and I love what I do. I don’t have exciting stories to tell about crazy things happening at work– and I had lots of those stories when I was working. But I do get to spend my day with my precious boy and know that it’s making me happier than the way I was spending my days before June 5, 2009.
This post isn’t about being a stay-at-home-mom. It’s about my insecurities and my worry about what people think. When I was working, I always worried that someone would think that my job wasn’t good enough or think that being an event planner at a University wasn’t a real job. I didn’t make a lot of money doing it and I knew that. It always hurt my feelings when people were surprised to find out that I have a Masters degree to do my job.
I think I’ve felt this way since I got out of college. I was really involved in everything in college and always had something going on. Or I was the President of something else. When I got out of grad school and started working, there weren’t many other responsibilities.
I just need to get over it and feel proud about all of the things that I am.
I’m a wife. A mother. A daughter. A friend. A sister. And I’m a blogger. No, I’m not getting paid to do any of these things. I like to cook, organize, decorate, shop, read, and blog. I’m looking forward to exercising again, but still have some physical limitations there. I’m also looking forward to using this time at home to figure out to turn my long term goals into a reality. In the meantime, the answer to the question, “What are you doing now?” is simple. I’m taking care of the relationships in my life and creating a loving home for my family.
Does anyone else feel this way? Are you at a place in your life where you feel fulfilled but have a hard time convincing others that you are, in fact, fulfilled?
the people who are asking you these questions most likely don’t have kids of their own.. I guess an answer that might resonate better would go something like this:
“I’m a lady of leisure….daaarling… I’m one of those fortunate ladies whose handsome husband makes enough where I don’t have to go and actually perform salaried labour… thank you very much.”
Or if you don’t want to make them cry… you can just say:
“I manage the upbringing of my child as well as donate my time in a decision making function to philantrophic endevours of the community.”
I think it is amazing what you do. You have a life that I can only dream of! People think I’m nutty because the only job that I can ever picture myself having is that of a wife and mother.
You are doing amazing things for your family and you are doing a great job! Don’t let anyone ever make you feel insecure because there are many people out there that are envious of the life you lead 🙂
I was the salutatorian of my high school class and had made all the right choices. Everyone expected me to become a doctor (like my mom) or professor or some other such great achiever. I applied and was accepted to the most prestigious colleges in my state.
I decided, however, almost on a whim, to go to a college that was on everyone’s backup list, but had a great education department. I started working on my degree in elementary education and was asked by many concerned people, “Shouldn’t you be doing a little something more with your life? With your talents?”
I admit that there were a few times that I woke up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night, thinking, “What the hell am I doing with my life?!”
Now that I’ve been teaching for 3 years, I know it was the right decision. It’s a more difficult and important job than it gets credit for (just like being a stay-at-home-mom) but I love it most of the time.
What I cannot wait for though, is my opportunity (hopefully) to stay home when I have kids! Life isn’t about stress and deadlines and proving yourself to others. Think about the great example you’re setting for your child about living and enjoying life and being there for your family. You’re definitely “doing” a lot!
I just wrote about my own experiences on the topic yesterday!! I’m not a SAHM, but there’s someone in my life who always makes me second guess myself.
Only one person can know what the best path for you is!
I’m a teacher, and I love what I do, but I would trade places with you in a heartbeat! All I’ve wanted is to be a wife and mother. I just got married, but my husband wants to wait awhile to have kids, which is OK, but I’d have one now if he was on board! You are doing wonderful things and you are very lucky to be able to stay home with your son! Not everyone can do that, and you are doing the most important job in the world right now!
It’s such a double-edged sword when you have a baby. If you are a SAHM, you feel guilty like you aren’t contributing or being ‘productive’ in the real world, or using your degree. If you are a working mom, you feel guilty for leaving your baby and letting someone else take care of him/her.
Damn motherly guilt is everywhere!
I will not have the option of being a SAHM for many years but I definitely envy your position right now. In no way do I imagine it to be easy, in fact I’m sure it’s insanely hard. But just know that if you are happy with your decision that is all that matters. And probably a lot of those negative comments stem from jealously….the idea of being home all day and deciding what you do and what you do not do, while caring for the most precious baby around sounds pretty appealing and challenging at the same time!
Enjoy every second, Erin.
I think it is honorable what you do. Your child is worth more than any amount of money you could make at a Job. In my opinion there is nothing more valuable than raising a child.
It is hard when people don’t understand or respect what you’re doing, which can make you doubt yourself. But it sounds like you’re a. happy with your choices and b. doing some amazing things regardless of whether they are recognized by the outside world (in the form of renown or financial reward). Being there for your son is a wonderful gift you are giving him. (Not that working moms don’t give a lot to their kids too. And not everyone can stay home…ahh what a touchy subject this can be, just covering my bases so as not to offend anyone…) It sounds like deep down you know this is right for you and you don’t “need ” to be doing “more” right now. You are extremely busy with all that is currently on your plate. It sounds like these other people can’t understand what your day consists of, or can’t imagine life as a stay at home mom right now. Just be confident in your decision. This is what works for your family. And it’s a wonderful choice you’ve made. Congratulations on your beautiful baby. (And thanks for your email about the Bumbleride Flyer!)
How unfair of them to judge something they (seem to) know nothing about. You’re obviously busy taking care of your home and your child who is not even 4 months old yet! I can’t imagine a more demanding job.
I think you are amazingly blessed that you get to stay home and provide for your family. Maybe not by monetary means, but in soooo many other ways you do, and don’t let anyone else convince you otherwise. Isn’t it amazing that one statement made by someone else, can determine our self-worth?
You are so lucky to be able to stay home with your son. I don’t have kids yet and when I do I don’t have any idea if I will be able to stay home with them or not however having been a nanny for many years while I was in college and seeing other people’s children get more attached to me then their own parents and me knowing more about the kids then their parents did, made me decide at a very early age that I would never allow someone else to raise my kids.
Not that this is always the case, plently of working parents still manage to be the primary caregivers (work from home, part time, good hours like a teacher etc…) so I am by no means knocking working moms…that has just been what I sadly saw as a nanny.
Being a stay at home is a job…I would love to be able to stay home with my little one, but I don’t think that it’ll be a possibility at least for now. It is a full time job being a mother, and I don’t think you have to explain yourself or make others understand what you are doing.
What a great post Erin! I think those people asking don’t understand what having a child and taking care of one entails! It’s constant, non stop GO GO GO! But that’s hard for them to understand! You are doing exactly what God led you to do! Raising that precious boy! Love u
i’m with lauren. i’d love to be a SAHM someday!
you say “i don’t have exciting stories to tell about crazy things happening at work,” but i can guarantee you have exciting stories to tell about crazy, cute things hudson does as he develops! it’s different scenery, but the same thing. keep it up! 🙂
It’s so much easier said than done, but you just have to keep those negative comments from nagging at your self-worth. I think it’s a struggle that stay-at-home-moms have dealt with since the image of the “powerful working woman” invaded the scene. You are in a very precious time in your life; you’re building a foundation for your son and for your family. I’m in a different position – definitely not fulfilled through my 8-5 job – looking forward to the time where we can start a family and I can stay at home with our babies.
And you know what? You don’t have to convince anyone else that what you do from the moment you wake up until the time you go to sleep is legit. Because even if you were the President of the United States, those people would STILL question how you use your time!
I agree that this is a double edge sword. I’m not fortunate enough to be able to be a SAHM, but I am blessed that my mom can watch Ella full time. Thank goodness!
I have friends that are SAHM, and they have this same feeling at times like they aren’t doing enough. I always thought before I had a child that maybe if I were a SAHM I’d have all kinds of time and possibly get bored! Not a chance! On the weekends when I am at home with Ella I’m constantly busy…….there is ALWAYS something to do. I work harder at home with her than I do my regular job. So, I think you contribute more to running a household than most do. It’s a huge job. You are so blessed to be able to do this. You can always get back to work after Hudson is bigger, but you’ll never be able to replace this time with him…….I envy you for that.
I’m so glad that you are fulfilled with you new job:)
Being a stay-at-home mom is a full-time job. I don’t know from experience, but I do know that it’s an important job, so you shouldn’t feel insecure about it.
I totally feel you about how people perceive being an event planner at a University. It’s not all fun and games like so many people think and it is hard work! I often ask myself the same question, though- should I be doing something more with my Master’s degrees? Maybe so, but for the most part, I like my job. And that’s really all that matters.
If you like your job- being a stay at home mom- who cares what other people think? Although I know that’s a hard mentality to adapt because I struggle with it at times, too!
By the way, I would LOVE to do lunch one day and catch up and meet Hudson!
This was such a good post, and I can relate in some ways. When I decided to withdraw from my doctoral program in psych to go back to school to be a nurse, several people in my family simply stopped talking to me for a couple of months, particularly my dad. They were angry with me for “wasting my life”. Once they started talking to me again, it was always about how once I became a nurse, I needed to use that as a platform to go to med school, or just pitch the nursing idea and try to be a doctor. We’ve been married for 5 years, and pretty much the entire time, my dad and in-laws have questioned my decision to become an RN. We haven’t even started down the family-making path, but even now my MIL and FIL are very pro-nanny and anti-stay-at-home-me! I know that your questioners weren’t being offensive or critical, which is better than what my situation was, but don’t ever feel bad for doing what you love and for going where you feel God leads.
OK, I just had a whole big ol comment typed up, but, my computer ate it. Anyways, summary of comment was basically that you are doing MORE than enough. Being able to stay home is a wonderful thing and Hudson is a lucky little man. Our society often puts pressure on women to do sooo much and almsot be “showy” about what we do, which I think is a little insane, but, whatever. It’s hard not to let what others say or think get into our heads, but, know that you’re a fabulous mom and that is more than enough!
I don’t think you should question your self-worth one bit. What you are doing is giving a huge blessing to your son and it is very selfless. You should be proud of yourself!!
You have the most important job and the hardest in the world! You shouldn’t feel any other way!
I know what you’re saying, though about feeling insecure. When people ask me if I love my job or what I want to enevtually do, I want to be a stay at home mom. People look at me like “that’s it” and I have learned it really doesn’t matter what other people think. It’s what I WANT!
Oh sweetie, it’s just how we women tick. We live our lives trying to please everyone else while constantly comparing ourselves to those around us. As long as you feel like you’re making the right choice, that’s all that matters. I know I could never stay home, but I admire those that do. You’ll have plenty of time later on when Hudson gets older to do other things, but what you’re doing right now, if someone asks, is raising a child, taking care of your home and just enjoying your time. If people question you or challenge you, it’s just because they are jealous of your life. I think the older you get, you start to compare yourself less with others (at least I do) and concentrate on what truly makes you happy instead of what you think makes others happy.
I can totally relate to this post and to your insecurities about your event planning job and about being a SAHM. No, I don’t have kids yet, but one thing I would give anything to do is be a SAHM. However, I know that is not a possiblity–at least not in the near future. So I am envious of your ability to stay home with Hudson.
I was Student Council President at my high school, lead coordinator for a Mothers Against Drunk Driving campaign, Kappa Alpha Theta recording secretary, graduated from college as part of the Communicaitons honor society, held internships Smith Barney and Children’s Medical Center, and work for the greatest company in the world, Southwest Airlines. However, since graduating college, I’ve held an administrative assistant position (and now am an executive assisstant) for almost 4 years. Yes, I have a degree to do my job, and no, it is not required. I too have insecurites about being an “assistant,” all the while knowing I’m better educated than many of my peers.
And even with all my education and experience, my heart is to be the primary care taker and provider in my home to our (future) children. There is nothing wrong with loving your life and enjoying the day to day duties of feeding, burping, changing, playing, rocking, cleaning bottles, making bottles. When I tell my twenty-something friends that we’re thinking about starting a family soon, their reaction is like I have the plague. Like, “how could I even be thinking about kids yet.” My boss asks me to be thinking of areas in the company that interest me so I can grow in my job–and yet, all I want is to make a happy home for my family.
I know how you feel, and I know it’s a difficult mental battle to fight everyday. But as you can see from the overwhelming outpour on your blog today–you’re not alone! I’ll be praying that the devil will not use other’s skeptical view of your life to rob you of your incredible joy!
I’m so glad you wrote this post. I’m not a mom (yet) but I would love to eventually stay at home with my child/children. My mom was a stay-at-home-mom of four girls, and let’s face it… she’s perfect in my eyes. And you know what? I always knew that if I was sick at school, my mom could pick me up and take care of me. She got up with us every single morning, helped us with breakfast and packed our lunches. We had a hot, well-balanced meal on the table every night. In fact, it was a treat to go OUT to eat sometimes! We could also practically eat off the floors our house was so clean. Mom was involved in our church and in our schools. She’s the most caring, giving, unselfish person I know and she was a stay-at-home mom. She wouldn’t have traded a single second away from us to work. I know because I’ve asked. Dad is proud that he was able to provide for us so that Mom could stay at home. I hope to be that lucky and blessed one day. Will I be able to do all of this one day like Mom did? I have no idea. But, if I get the chance, I sure have a great example of how to do it!
Everyone should do what’s best for their family when it all comes down to it. If the family needs both parents working to provide for the family comfortably, then both parents should work. If the mother or father makes enough of a salary to provide for the whole family, then good for her/him! You’re blessed to be able to stay at home with little Hudson and you’ll have the memories of watching him grow up right before your eyes for the rest of your life. I like that you said you’re “taking care of the relationships in my life and creating a loving home for my family.” I hope to do the same when I have kids!!!
I am surronded by stay at home moms. All of my friends that have a child stay at home, almost every woman at my church is a SAHM (actually I can’t think of one that isn’t). My mom was a SAHM. SO even though I don’t have a child, I am surronded by them and I know just how much work goes into being a SAHM. And I don’t think you are giving yourself enough credit b/c not only do you do everything that goes into keeping a home and a baby you also do outside activies like church fucntions, helping with your husband’s events at work, the Junior League that you mentioned, etc, etc. I understand feeling insecure sometimes, b/c there are times I definitely feel that way with my job. But you are doing what you feel like you should be doing at this time in your life and you are doing an amazing job! I think you should just feel this way for a moment and then let it pass! 🙂 You are balancing everything amazinly!
Don’t worry about what others think – you are indeed WORKING FULL-TIME by being home and taking care of your son and insuring that all of his needs are met on a daily basis. I envy you as I never had the opportunity to be a SAHM but to this day (my kids are almost 16yo) that is my DREAM job – so I guess once they graduate – my dream job will be just to be a housewife! LOL
Big hugs! :o)
You nailed it right on the head! I love this post! I have felt the same way for 8 years now. When I try to say I am busy to some of my friends, whom I know mean well, they just seem perplexed as to how a stay-at-home mom could ever really be “busy”. Between all the cleaning up, picking up, dropping off, checking up, yada, yada, yada, living our lives while I have a Hubby that travels quite a good bit, no family that lives right next door to help out in a pinch, volunteering and trying to maintain/grow a small business I am more busy than I could have ever imagined before I had children. But somehow, I always feel like I have to convince others of my worth. At the end of the day though I am finally starting to realize that the people who matter most to me, my lovely ladies and Hubby, know that they are my top priority and that is what has started carrying me through.
“A pretentious, showy
life is an empty life; a plain and simple life is a
full life.”
I have been reading the Purpose Drivin Life! Great read. I, too, would trade places with you in a heartbeat! What a blessing to stay at home with your sweet boy. Being a SAHM is the HARDEST job and most rewarding. Head up pretty girl. All the comments would get to me in the beginning too but after a year of raising a little one, you become a solid rock that can stand up to anything!!
Like others have said, it really isn’t a well-thought out question until those people are in the position and understand just how much a stay at home mom is MORE than a 40 hour per week job. The fact that you are still able to find time to volunteer is awesome!
I would argue you are still event planning–daily life for yourself, your husband, and Hudson. If that isn’t a challenge I don’t know what is!
I think your choice to be a stay-at-home mom is one of the greatest, most wonderful, rewarding, and important decisions any Mom can make! Although I am not a mother yet, I have always felt a very strong urge to be a stay-at-home mom when my husband and I start a family. When I have told people that in the past, I have received some flack for it. It made me uncomfortable and question whether or not planning for that is a sensible decision. But when you get right down to it- do your employers and coworkers matter as much as that little life that you created and now get to watch learn, grow, and live each day? YOU are the most important person in Hudson’s life and to be home with him each day taking care of him, teaching him, and helping mold who he is.. is the BEST gift you can give him. You’re creating a loving, relaxed home for him and for your husband and that is what really matters.
Next time someone questions your decision, look at your adorable little guy and just smile and say you have the best job in the world! :o)
PS-Obviously haven’t read it yet, but I have heard a lot about Dr. Laura’s book “In Praise of Stay at Home Mom’s”. It sounds like its a great book for Mom’s in positions like this.. how to deal with critic’s, feeling like you made the right choice, etc. Might be a good book!
I’m so glad you wrote this post. These comments have brought tears to my eyes. I would love to be a stay at home mom. To at least try it. I think until your friends have children, or at the very least nieces and nephews to actually experience all the work that goes into taking care of a baby, they won’t understand how you can fill your days with someone so small.
I wish all the SAHMs out there got more respect and didn’t feel like they needed to say they were “just a mom”. I think parenting is THE most important job in this world. You are shaping your family and giving Hudson the best gift you can give him and that’s love.
I truly hope when the time comes for us to have children we can make it work so I can stay home. I have a job similar to what you had it sounds like and we aren’t paid much. Certainly not enough to have someone else experience the firsts in our children’s lives.
Your summary should be your answer. You are cultivating a home and relationships and what’s more rewarding than that? Thank you for sharing.
Annd, I’m not sure why I chose to put apostrophes in three plural words in that last section.. eeek!
Wow I loved your post! I think being a mom is the most important job ever and people often forget this. Dont ever second guess – my mom stayed home with my brothers and I and I can’t imagine anything different. Hudson is super lucky to have you. I am an attorney and currently not married but if I do get married and have a baby I too want to stay at home at least part time. Most people think this is crazy but we all have to remember to do what we believe in and not what others think we should do. Congrats on your decision.
I would just laugh and say “I watch TV all day. What do you do?”
People still don’t respect Stay at Home Moms. I was raised by a SAHM and she was the busiest person I’ve ever met in my life (still is today at 67 years old.) She volunteered at my school, took us to church, library, zoo, was on committees, did housework, yardwork, homework, cooked breakfast, lunch and dinner, etc. The list goes on and on.
You are doing the most difficult job in the world. It is MUCH easier to go to work everyday… I know because that’s how I did it. Most days, however, I felt guilty for leaving my children. By the grace of God, they turned out to be pretty amazing individuals!
I’ve been a stay-at-home mom for 20 years now and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I’m lucky to have a big circle of friends who have done the same thing. We have done thousands of hours of volunteer work with Junior League, schools, church, etc. plus raised our kids to be happy and healthy. My last kid is a senior in high school so I am a soon-to-be empty nester. I have gotten many comments over the years, mostly in the “what do you do all day?” theme and I have to say I have never lacked for something to do. Most of my friends are now working part-time jobs, and many of us have started our own businesses. My best friend and I have a photography business, a couple friends now have a Pilates Studio, other friends teach fitness classes or cooking classes at local gyms, several are in retail clothing or decorating, another bff pair have started a wedding planning business after their daughters got married. The only ones that have gone back to their original profession have been the teachers. You can start up your own events planning business anytime you want so you have the perfect opportunity already built in. I didn’t start my business until my youngest was in about sixth grade and I work anywhere from 0-15 hours a week.
Don’t worry, after a while, the comments won’t bother you because you know you are doing something important. Also, the Junior League can be a full-time job in itself. The only comments that really bothered me were the “what are you going to do if your husband leaves you?” ones, more because I thought they were rude than that I was worried about him leaving me.
You answered their question in your post and you answered it quite clearly to them. You take care of your family & are involved in junior league and church. As many times as they repeat the question just repeat the response 🙂 Hopefully they will get the hint.
I understand exactly what you are talking about and I think EVERYONE fights how to “appropriately” answer questions such as this one. The important thing is that YOU are happy with what you are doing and from the sounds of it you are very happy.
I personally have a huge amount of respect for stay at home moms.. You ladies take care of children, manage households, do outside activities, and still manage to keep it all together. Honestly? Not something I think I could do. I question where I’m going in life and what I’m doing quite a lot. Sometimes I feel like I’m “wasting” time in a job I feel is probably dead end. I keep wondering if maybe theres something else out there. The thing is, for my family, I’m doing the best I can right now. And so are you. So the next time someone asks you what you’re doing, well, you’re taking care of your family, and is there a better thing in the world to do?
I know how you feel. Unfortunately, I experienced that same feeling over the weekend at my 10 year reunion. I would be talking to people that I litterally have not seen since graduating and they would ask what I do – when I replied I am a stay at home mom, there would be this dead silence in the conversation. I know what I am doing is the best thing for my son, our family, and is more rewarding then any other career I have had, but it did in fact make me question myself.
You wrote in your post the exact things have been feeling lately and have not been able to put into words. SAHM’s have a big job and it isn’t a 8-10 hour day and they can go home. They live and breath their work. They are shaping little human beings into productive, caring adults. I love my job!!!!
I went to law school to “be something important.” Now I wish I could go back and yell “HORSESHIT” in my 22 year old self’s face. I loved law school, I loved learning about the law, I met my husband there and one of my best friends… but I generally hate my job, am not professionally satisfied and most days feel like I make people’s lives worse and not better by what I do. That’s not to say that I wouldn’t be happy elsewhere in the legal profession. BUT I think the most important lesson is that my job is not who I am and becoming a lawyer did not make me important or better. I am who I am because of my relationships with the people I care most about and because of my personal talents and how I use them in other arenas.
I wonder how your friends would feel if they were pigeon-holed solely based on what they do between the hours of 9 AM and 5 PM… I’m going to go ahead and bet that “I take care of the needs of my family” might start to sound a bit more important than “I create Excel spreadsheets.” 😉
I couldn’t agree with you more when it comes to this topic! I have days when I have to remind myself that what I do by staying home with my son is so much more valuable to me and my husband than if I were still working and worrying about my son in childcare. (I’m not bashing childcare! I’m just saying what works for me and my family!) I wouldn’t trade being home with my son for the WORLD. It’s certainly not without its financial sacrifices and I have to deal with my share of “So what do you do” dropped conversations when I meet new people, but that little boy is JUST! SO! WORTH! IT!
You sound like you’re doing an amazing job with Hudson. I bet your husband is over-the-moon-proud of you and what you do to make your family life your priority.
Don’t let anyone else make you feel bad about yourself. When I went back to working full time, I just resolved that I wasn’t going to let anyone make me feel bad about my choices. There are so many times that I want to be at home with the G-man and then there are times when I leave him with the nanny in the morning and am happy to have some adult time to myself. You did what was right for your family! And your identity doesn’t suffer if your are a SAHM or a working mom. You’re still trying to be the best mom you can be!!!
I think it goes both ways and I think that we as women need to support each other as we all make this very personal, difficult decision.
Whoever said that to you was asking that question because they really don’t know what it means to take care of a baby/young child.
I’m an attorney and do not yet have children, although my husband and I recently started (privately) trying. People are always giving me flack about the fact that in my current position, there really isn’t room to be a mother, and that makes me feel terrible. I know that being a mother will put demands on me and my time that I cannot yet anticipate, and I will change things up when that day comes. The wife of one of my husband’s friends (who doesn’t even know me very well) actually said, “I can’t wait to be a stay at home mom. You’re passionate about your job in a way that I could never be and I will be passionate about my children in a way that you could never be.” Seriously?
I have nightmares that someone else will potty train my child and watch their first steps, but there is the possibility that both of those things will happen.
Hi Erin,
I just love you for posting this. It was at the perfect, perfect time for me. Since my husband is deployed right now, I am staying with my father-in-law, and last night he was joking that I haven’t done very much to promote myself as a blogger. He started listing the things that I do all day–feeding and changing the baby, playing with the baby, taking him shopping, taking him to the zoo, etc. But when he started listing the things, I could tell he didn’t really know exactly what it is that I do all day. It made me feel like I should be doing more–learning a new language, reading more, writing more…whatever. But there are only so many hours in a day, and my highest priority is to nourish our family. I figure the other things will work themselves out, but my job is to raise a happy, healthy son and create a home that is a santuary.
I think this will really make sense to us when we have grown children and we can see how all this love and care manifests.
I agree with a previous reader, the person who asked this doesn’t have children. Months before I had Jackson, I was asking myself the same question!!
You’re doing a great job.
Thank you for your honesty.
Amy
You are living a wonderful life! I have to stop and tell myself the same thing many times. I, too, was very involved in college and it was hard to adjust to a lower paying job working for a state representative – though it was exactly what I wanted to do. I found myself justifying my choice to friends and soon came to realize that if I am happy – it is okay!
I lost that job last November when that state representative retired and struggled for a long time in trying to find a new job.
I’m now pregnant with our first child and am anticipating with excitement the joys of being a stay at home mom.
You are the best judgment of yourself and if your life is pleasing to you and your family – that is all that matters!
This is the biggest debate among mothers – those who work feel guilty and defensive, those who stay home feel judged and defensive. Everyone has to do what is best for their own family. I have to go back to work in 2 weeks and I know it’s going to be a huge juggling act – right now it takes all day every day to take care of the baby and the house!
Oh how I can relate! My inlaws are always telling me how I will be so bored if I continue to stay home full time. I love being a sahm! I’m learning to be more confident in my new shoes too!
Unfortunately no, because I don’t feel the fulfillment of even having a job worth doing, let alone spending my time in the occupation I desire/need as Isaac’s full time caregiver. 🙁
I can imagine the struggle though. I know it’s worth it and I’m sure your time is filled. Don’t let the insecurity get to you!
Well said, Erin! I’m SO looking forward to the stage of life you are in right now and I hate that thoughtless people’s comments are making you second guess your value. There is nothing more important than shaping your little one’s life.
I feel like I live in the constant state of stress you described when you were working and I’m so excited that you are enjoying life as a mom! I think you should just tell people you are CEO of Carroll Enterprises. 🙂
Both of my children are grown and past the changing the diapers stage. I would not have changed the SAHM stage for a pay check ever. Confirmation comes whenever one of the kids will say “Hey Mom, remember that time when we…?” There is always something to do around the house. So do not let others question your choice. You have made THE perfect choice. Enjoy every second with your precious child. It goes by all to fast.
It’s weird becuase sometimes my friends from college who aren’t doing anything with their lives don’t understand why I go to work every day, or why I can’t ‘come hang out with them’ all the time during the day.
I think that you are totally doing the right thing for you and I know you are busy and I see where you are coming from. 🙂 Keep being you, we love you for it!
I’m not a mom but this post really resonated with me. I currently have a fairly demanding full time job that I hate. My husband and I are a few years away from having children and part of the reason is that I want to stay home to raise my family. It’s hard for me now to justify staying in my current job because it stresses me out and makes me miserable and I can’t imagine feeling that way AND letting someone else raise my child! You are following your heart and your values and that’s what’s most important!
I think that you answered the question perfectly! These people clearly don’t have children or know the amount of time involved in taking care of a baby! I don’t have children yet, but even I can imagine how much you have to do during the day!
I have the kind of opposite of your problem. I feel very UN fullfilled at my job, yet no one around me seems to understand why, which is crazy to me. I think a lot of people think, you go to school, you graduate, and then you get a job doing whatever it is that you studied. But that’s untrue for so many. Friends and family look at me strangely when I tell them what I really want to do because I also have a Master’s degree (and anything I REALLY want to do wouldn’t require a master’s degree, or really a college degree at all!) and because I would probably be taking a rather large pay cut. I’ve started to really pursue what I want to do, and without telling anyone (other than my husband) because I feel that I won’t get their support. It’s sad really.
Different things matter to different people I guess. It’s just difficult when others don’t understand or WANT to understand the path that you’ve chosen.
The person who asked you this probably has a different way of defining herself than you do. Sadly, lots of people totally define themselves by the paid work that they do, instead of the type of person they are.
Sure, being part of the working world is fulfilling – if you’re in the right job. Achieving certain career milestones can be wonderful. But they’re not more important than family or your kids. It is obviously the best thing for your family for you to be home with your baby. Not missing his “firsts” and all his milestones, and knowing the kind of care he is receiving day in and day out is MUCH more fulfilling than any promotion or raise.
I’ve often found by observation that they type of people who make SAHMs feel as if they are not “doing” anything are those people that are actually unfulfilled in their own lives/careers. Think about it; anyone who’s truly happy and a good person isn’t going to want to bring someone else down. She probably senses that you are really happy doing what you’re doing and is jealous that you feel that way, since she probably doesn’t.
Enough with the Freudian analysis…ha! Just remember you are doing a great thing and being a great mommy to your little boy – and snarky people’s comments don’t matter a bit.
In the words of Stephanie Tanner, “How Rude!” Seriously, I bet people who ask you that question are just jealous.
I could have wrote this! It is so funny how people who have never been a SAHM think we just sit around and watch TV all day. One of my girlfriends asked me what I did with so much free time?! My jaw dropped to the floor, what free time?! Some days I skip my shower I have that little “free” time.
The next day my daughter rolled over for the first time, I was so proud of her I cried! I was so happy I was down on the ground with her when she reached that milestone. I realized (again) that I wouldn’t trade being home with her for anything in this world & neither would you… don’t let people who don’t understand let you lose sight of that.
Ugg! I hate when people say insensitve things.You are doing the most important job in the whole world! The first year is the hardest and the most important. It seems like we moms are always putting each other down or judging each other for choices that we make for our families. My husband and I both work at a university (him in admissions me in campus life) I never got the opportunity to stay home with my kids but I would have in a second if we could have afforded it. Erin,y ou are doing the right thing for you family, hold your head up high!
This was incredibly well written and well said – it is OKAY to be working on yourself, your relationships and your life. Because you aren’t getting paid is irrelevant. Keep your chin up. It is all okay and good.
you are amazing.
and i love you.
that is all.
You are doing exactly what you should be doing right now! Being a mom to your little boy is more important than any other job out there. He is so lucky and blessed to have you home with him! I hope one day I’ll be lucky enough to do the same thing!
-Rachel (erchla)….I am having internet issues and it won’t let me put my name above
Girl, you are doing what is best you and your family and what makes you happy! That’s all that should matter…no other opinions matter 😉 and might I add to this….
“I’m a wife. A mother. A daughter. A friend. A sister. And I’m a blogger. No, I’m not getting paid to do any of these things. I like to cook, organize, decorate, shop, read, and blog. I’m looking forward to exercising again, but still have some physical limitations there. I’m also looking forward to using this time at home to figure out to turn my long term goals into a reality. In the meantime, the answer to the question, “What are you doing now?” is simple. I’m taking care of the relationships in my life and creating a loving home for my family.” –
I think you are GREAT at all of these 🙂
hey! i took a break from the blogging world and missed you so! can’t wait to catch up on what you’ve been up to. people are KIDDING themselves if they don’t think you “do” anything all day…i’m not a mother, but i know that its the hardest job in the world! xx!
All the time….I think when I answer that question I’m responding to people who secretly want to be doing the same thing. I promise you everyone “working” that you are talking to is not doing so because it is that fulfilling…
Joel and I often joke about how much pressure women put on eachother. Who has it harder? The working Mom? The stay at home Mom? Which avenue is better? Who has the most balanced kids? Seriously people. Worry about yourself. I think whatever makes you (and Todd and Hudson :)) happy is exactly what you should be doing. I think its very honorable that you listened to the call to stay home with your baby…you’ll be blessed, and so will he.
I really can relate in some aspects of your post. I am newly married and am in my second year of teaching. I just started my masters about a month ago, I teach piano lessons 2 times a week and I am in charge of a club after school that meets once a week. I get home at a normal teacher time (let’s say 4:30), twice a week and the other 2 nights I’m not home until 7-7:30. People look at me and see allll that I do, but I look at it and see what I’m not happy with sometimes. I love my job; I’m okay with the after school program (it would be better if I didn’t do so much); Masters is stressful; and piano lesson money pays for my student loans. I can not wait to finish my masters and make more money where I don’t have to work a second job. I think you should feel soo blessed (and I am sure you do) to stay home with your baby boy. Cherish these times. I don’t have any children yet, but I’m sure when I do I’ll want to do everything I can to stay home with them. Don’t worry what others think about it. This is your decision. You are doing what is best for you and your family-not them. You need to be proud of being a stay-at-home mom because they have the hardest job of all.
I’ve learned to answer, “Whatever the hell I want”. Shuts them up every time.
There is plenty of time for “doing” stuff. Your baby will never be XX months old ever again. The other thing I would say is to just give it time. It’s a HUGE adjustment to leave work and stay home. I planned for it and dreamed about it and wanted it more than anything and it was still an adjustment. Give yourself a break and stop listening to the naysayers!
Be proud of what you do. I am still loving my job at school, but I miss my baby terribly. I walked in tonight after being gone all day with school and then open house. Georgia Kate nearly jumped out of her daddy’s hands trying to get to me. I love what I do and THOUGHT I was ready to go back to work, but it is the hardest thing I have ever done. Being a mom is a fulled time job and you should be proud to stay home and take care of Hudson all day! I can’t wait to meet him!
Beautifully said Erin! Your line about taking care of the relationships in your life and creating a loving home for your family is particularly poignant and meaningful. I feel the same way! I would only add something I read recently (I think in a Kevin Leman book) in which an older gentleman comments on what has made his marriage/life so successful and happy. They made an agreement when they married 40 yrs ago – he would make the living, and she would make the living worthwhile. I always keep that in the back of my mind now, and it reminds me of how important what we do really is!
Basically, you have two choices:
1. You can go work outside the home. Meaning, you can either take your child to daycare or have a nanny come to your home. Either way, who is raising your child? I know, I know, 8 hours out of 24 is not that much to be away from your kids, blah blah blah. I have absolutely no judgement against moms who work outside the home if they need to because of financial reasons. But if they don’t NEED to, but choose to? Fine. Just don’t tell me that you’re still raising your child and that you’re with them the majority of the hours in the day. Wrong. I don’t know about Hudson at this point, but my babies go to bed by 7:30, 8:00 by the time they’re three. So you get home from work at 5:30 or so, and the kids are in bed two hours later? So you spend maybe three hours per day with them including the morning rush to get ready and out the door? Yeah. I think someone else is raising your child.
2. You can stay home and raise your own child. Period.
So in my opinion: you’re doing the best thing!
Now, how to feel okay about the question of “what do you DO?” Honestly, I felt exactly like you do, until I had my second child. With that first child, to be perfectly honest, you really do have some time on your hands. I found it extremely easy to take care of my first, give her lots and lots of play-with-mommy time, keep the house perfect, cook decent meals each evening, etc., and still felt like I just wasn’t all that busy. BUT. Add number 2 to the picture and it’s a whole different story! I was seriously amazed at how much more busy I became when my second was born 10 months ago. Crazy. Not a single one of my friends would ever ask me what I DO anymore, because I literally do not sit down all day long unless I am nursing the baby. I am feeding, dressing, rocking, playing with the baby; feeding, dressing, directing, playing with the preschooler; cleaning, doing laundry, making breakfast and lunch for kiddos, dinner for the family, doing dishes, taking care of household STUFF (bills, appointments, errands), grocery shopping, playdates, preschool runs, dance class runs. . .
Anyway. I know you are busy now, spending all your time caring for the baby. But I also know that you probably, in all honesty, feel a little under-utilized when it comes to your intellect and capacity. But just know that the “job” of a stay-home mom will not always be like it is right now. Before you know it you will have a preschooler and another baby, and you will never again feel like you are working below your potential. Just enjoy the peaceful beginning right now! Don’t let someone else make you miss the beauty of it because they make you question yourself!
I think that everyone feels that way at some point… I know I certainly do.
I’m a law student. I’m a very very busy law student, but still… whenever people ask what’s going on in my life, I feel like I don’t have the right answer. I’m doing plenty with my life, but I feel like I shouldn’t just be a law student… I should also have a job lined up. And in addition to having a job lined up I should be married or engaged or at the VERY least have a boyfriend with plans for a future together. But I don’t have any of those thing. I am in law school, and I have a dog. And those things are very fulfilling in my life right now, even if it never seems like it’s enough to everyone else. There’s always something.
I decided to go back to grad school full time so I can soak it all and get the absolute most out of it. It’s a short program so I figured I’d just hold my breathe, quick my job, and jump in. If it turned out awful, ti was only 18 months of full-time school and unemployment. Well, this decision came RIGHT BEFORE the economic sh*t hit the fan. Now, people think I am crazy. Lazy. In LaLa land. Taking advantage of my husband who supports me (and I a husband I don’t deserve), etc. You name it, they totally disapprove. I sense that even my own parents and in-laws are a tad disapproving. It’s very frustrating. I still think I am doing the right thing, however. I like my program and I am getting a lot out of it. I am more than 1/3 of the way through, and have not accumulated any debt to speak of (yet).
What a hard thing to hear from someone you care about! While I’m not a mom, I work from home and many people don’t understand my job. Even my dear in-laws, who try so hard to understand, still seem to think that I’m just “hanging out.” On top of that, my work is challenging and often time-consuming, and I feel like I have to justify why I work long hours. (My husband, a doctor, doesn’t have to justify his long hours!)
Hopefully the questions were coming from a good place – a place of love and concern. Ideally, saying something like, “I’m responsible for raising my child and caring for the needs of my family” would stop the questions. But sadly, some people just have their own narrow definitions of what is “worthwhile.” Then you can just feel embarrassed for them that they don’t “get it,” and try to change the subject.
Hang in there – you are doing something wonderful for your family, and you SHOULD be proud!
It is amazing how one person’s comment can make us question our choices for OUR life. It happens to me, too, and I’m not a SAHM. I am at home a lot right now trying to get a business started and when it’s slow–like now–there’s not a lot going on in my life. I think the people who question my choice–and yours–are sometimes jealous. The fact is this is YOUR life and YOUR decision (along with your husband’s) and if it works for YOU, it’s really nobody else’s business.
I totally understand how you feel. I am not a SAHM, but I dream about it. I have friends that I know judge me because I’m working, but I know of some people who would judge me if I was a SAHM. You can’t make everyone happy with your choices. With my job, I feel just like you felt with yours. When people ask me what I’m doing, I always wonder if they think I should be doing more with my Masters degree. I know I could be doing other things, but I like what I do.
My son is a week older than yours, and I am enjoying living the SAHM life vicariously through your blog.
That’s a tough place to be in, but I’m sure you will handle it with grace!
I, too, worked for the University before I (unexpectedly moved out of state and) became a SAHM. I have found some part-time work that I can do from home, but my first child was a year old before that happened. After my second was born, I made it through one event before I realized that the juggling wasn’t worth it – so I cut back my work yet again. My youngest is in 5-day preschool now (half days), but my mornings are still spent getting children to school and running errands, then doing afternoon pick-ups, helping with homework, after-school activities, dinner…. It doesn’t matter if you have a paying job or not, the work you do is 24/7/365, and as demanding as any paying job. I have yet to get a sick day, and my oldest is nearly 6! Vacations? Sure, but my ‘work’ comes with me! Unfortunately, not everyone understands that….
Kara – above – commented on feeling ‘under-utilized.’ Certainly, I’m not using my degrees for their intended purpose, so her thoughts are familiar to me. I’ve found that having some commitments (regularly having coffee with a friend, Bible study, or committee work of one sort of another) keeps me feeling balanced. I am using my skills in volunteer positions, and I can now seek out opportunities since my kids are a little older.
All of this to say that you DO a lot, even though your focus has changed. It’s really a huge adjustment in more ways than one. Women are so accustomed to comparing themselves to one another, and this change in your life really requires a shift in your thinking. It’s so hard to NOT compare yourself to others who have jobs – or jobs and families. So hard to NOT compare yourself to other SAHMs, too. But the thing that I’ve found to be MOST important to my happiness is being content. Don’t get me wrong – that part isn’t always easy. I don’t have the newest vehicle in the pick-up lane at school. I’m not the slimmest mommy, the most fashion-forward mommy. I don’t juggle a full-time job and a family of 5. But – I try each day to be the best mom, wife, daughter, sister, mother, friend that I can be. And when folks ask me what I do? I rarely tell them about my part-time work. I just tell them that I stay quite busy with my children, and I rarely get any questioning beyond that. You can’t change what others think about you, it’s just a matter of knowing that you are comfortable with your choice – and it sounds like you are!
Best to you – RLR
People just don’t understand unless they have done it! I got to stay at home with Bennett for 5 months and it was awesome! I thought I would have time to do all kinds of things…nope! I would have things planned for us but he would fall asleep or not be in the mood. Oh well! It was just nice to be home with him. Enjoy every second!!
Great seeing y’all this weekend too! I am so glad I got the privilege of holding baby Hudson.
Do not let the comments worry you. Being a SAHM is a full time job and you are blessed to be able to do that. There are lots of moms who wish they could be at home with their child. The first comment from Alexandra had me laughing out loud, but she was telling the truth. Luckily you are in JL and you will find a good support group there. There are lots of women in JL that have decided to take the same path as you!! I will get married in a couple of days and my friends have already started with the questions…”are you going to continue to work after you have kids”? My answer is always no, I will be a SAHM. I wish you could see the blank stares I get. My fiance and I discussed this in length already and I know that will be the best decision once I have a child. Do not let it get to you darling and do not worry what people think!! The only confirmation you need is the smile from your babies face!
Do not let the comments worry you. Being a SAHM is a full time job and you are blessed to be able to do that. There are lots of moms who wish they could be at home with their child. The first comment from Alexandra had me laughing out loud, but she was telling the truth. Luckily you are in JL and you will find a good support group there. There are lots of women in JL that have decided to take the same path as you!! I will get married in a couple of days and my friends have already started with the questions…”are you going to continue to work after you have kids”? My answer is always no, I will be a SAHM. I wish you could see the blank stares I get. My fiance and I discussed this in length already and I know that will be the best decision once I have a child. Do not let it get to you darling and do not worry what people think!! The only confirmation you need is the smile on your baby’s face!
I felt exactly the same way this past Monday. I compare myself to the accomplishments of others far too much. My boyfriend dated a girl who went to graduate school at Yale, and another one who finished 8th in a race in her age group this year. The second one will be running the marathon that I’m doing next month, and part of me wants to do better than her to prove that I’m better– but she’s been running for forever and will be nearly impossible to beat. Not like I should care about that at all, right? Running a marathon is an accomplishment in itself.
We lived in another city for two years; we just moved home this summer. Mr. Mag had taken a job at a great firm, but we knew the hours were going to be hellish. We made the decision for me to stay home while he worked. Now, when you stay at home but have no kid, you’re just asking to be judged. For me, it was the most rewarding two years of my life. I was double-placed in Junior League (one placement was on our holiday marketplace, and the other was at the local children’s hospital, where I volunteered weekly), I ran a half-marathon, I advised a chapter of my sorority, and I did some freelance writing. But, because I wasn’t going to a job, I was judged pretty harshly by friends, relatives and former coworkers.
Now we have moved home (damn the economy!) and I am ready to go back to work or school. I have utterly no idea where to start, but I wouldn’t trade the past two years for anything!!
I’ve been thinking about your post a lot.
I have this Aunt in Ohio who always asks, just after we’ve finished catching up on what we’ve been up to, “but are you happy?”
It throws me off every time. I find myself defending myself and apologizing for myself which is just not warranted. YES, I am happy. Great husband, beautiful house, good career. Sure I work a ton and I can’t figure out what color to paint my dining room ceiling, but I am ridiculously blessed.
Next time anyone asks you that question, just say, “By the time I’ve finished counting my blessings I don’t have time for much else.” That will end the conversation gracefully and with a laugh.
Some people just want to commiserate. Your friend/relative just probably wanted you to complain so that she could too!! She was probably just turning it around so that it would be all about her.
Erin,
I’m working from home and earning a paycheck and *trying* to take care of my little boy simultaneously, and let me tell you, it’s NOT working. My husband and I have started to make plans for me to transition out of my job and into being a full-time stay-at-home mom, and I CAN’T WAIT. Because I’ve tried to do both, and because I’m failing so spectacularly, let me be the first to reassure you: You’ve made the absolute correct decision in staying at home and devoting yourself completely to your marriage, motherhood, and making a home. I think most everyone would do this if finances allowed, and people who try to make you feel “less than” for doing what you’re doing either feel jealous, insecure, or just don’t understand (or a mixture of all three). However, I’m very happy for you and can’t wait to join your ranks. Try to brush off the negativity as best as you can, and be confident that your choice was — and is — the best one. You’re doing a great job, both in your home and in the blogosphere; your words help me and I imagine they help many others. Keep it up, girlfriend!!!
Oh Erin,
I find it so annoying when people say things like this to SAHM’s! I do not have children and work full time in marketing but I would NEVER assume that my friends and family that are SAHM’s are just lounging around all day, watching soaps!
Parenting is the most difficult yet rewarding job and your son is so lucky to have the benefit of your full attention. I thnk you’re job is harder than mine and I applaud you for your decision, plus you keep us entertained with your blog!
we joke all the time about, oh it’s time to feed the baby again=) you know exactly how it is on the 3 hr schedule, you feed them, they play, they nap, you do some things (or rest like we should be doing=)) for not very long, and then ohh, it’s time to feed the baby=) ha (they’re so cute=))
I was a high school orchestra director (craaaazy busy schedule too, after school rehearsals, night rehearsals, auditions, district orchs, etc. etc. etc.) and most of the other directors who had a baby went back to work and they would look at me like, you can’t do both? After feeling like they thought they were better than me because they could do both, I realized that it wasn’t that I couldn’t do both, it was that I didn’t want to do both. Staying at home with the little ones is amazing. Do I miss the kids and conducting sometimes, sure, but I didn’t want to do a half-a job at both things instead of a better job at one. (and we are blessed that we could scale back so I could stay at home=))
Wow, sorry for the long comment. Don’t let anyone make you second guess yourself. You are doing amazing and Hudson is LOVING everything that you’re doing!
You just need to have 3-4 more kids in the next 5 years. Then I GUARANTEE no one will ask you “What are you doing.” 🙂