I had so much fun reading and relating to all of your comments. I’m pretty sure that everything mentioned in the comments of my last post has happened to me. It’s amazing what people think is okay to say and how so many people think that your pregnancy and/or baby is their business. If you haven’t had a chance to read the comments, go back and do it now. It’s very entertaining.
I’ve tried to sum everything up to come up with a comprehensive list of the most off-putting comments that people have heard while they were pregnant… along with some of my own commentary.
Being told you’re fat. Are you kidding me? What is wrong with people? If you want to tell a pregnant woman how excited you are to see a baby bump, then say, “What a sweet baby bump!” Don’t say, “Well you’ve gained weight!” And especially don’t shout it in front of a room full of people. Don’t tell the woman how much bigger anything other than that baby bump has gotten. Also, don’t ask a woman how much weight she has gained or how much her doctor recommends she gain. It’s none of your business.
Unwelcome bump touching. Just because a woman is growing another person inside of her, that bump is still part of her body. You should ask before you touch. It is not acceptable to walk up to a strange woman that you don’t know at a wedding and just put both hands on her stomach while telling her how you have “bump envy.” My parents didn’t even touch my baby bump until I told them to feel the baby kicking, so why would a stranger think it’s okay? You’re not touching a woman’s stomach when she’s not pregnant, so don’t do it when she is.
Asking the couple if the pregnancy was planned. Again, none of your business. If it wasn’t planned, then they’ve just exposed their little “oops” to you. If it was planned then you know they were trying to have a baby, but may have had some trouble conceiving. It’s also not okay to tell newlyweds, “Wow, you didn’t waste any time.”
Assuming that just because the couple is expecting a baby, they care about every baby under the sun. Not true. At least not for us. We’re intelligent people, or we like to think we are. We have lots to talk about other than babies. I love my friends’ babies and I will love my precious baby. This doesn’t mean that I care about every baby that was born in 2009. This probably applies to the expectant father even more than the mother.
Unsolicited advice. Everyone will figure out how to raise their baby at their own pace. Each baby is different and each parent is different. What worked for you may not work for everyone else, so don’t force the opinions and advice on the poor pregnant girl. She’s already overwhelmed enough as it is. Public school vs. private school vs. homeschooling. Bottle feeding vs. breast feeding. The family bed vs. the crib. This pediatrician vs. that pediatrician.
Constantly talking about the bad stuff. “My labor was so hard.” “You will never get your sleep again.” “My baby cried for four months.” How is any of this encouraging the poor pregnant girl?
Asking questions that are none of your business. Don’t ask her how long it took her to get pregnant. Don’t ask if they are going to breast feed or bottle feed. Usually the poor pregnant girl’s response to this question is followed by a strong opinion from the person that asked the question. Asking, “How do you feel?” When the pregnant girl responds, “I’m still sick.” It’s not okay to respond to her answer and say, “There is no way your baby is getting enough nutrients if you’re that sick.” And stop asking if she’s getting enough sleep.
Not thinking before you speak. One commenter found out she was pregnant with her second son. The rude person said, “Oh no. You’ll get a girl next time.” Don’t imply that anyone is disappointed in the sex of their child.
Telling the couple that their life is over. It is not over. My parents’ life was not over. A baby is a huge responsibility, and it will completely consume our lives, but life is not over. We will still have our own identities and find a way for the baby to fit into our lives.
Outright judgement. It’s okay if someone chooses not to find out the sex of the baby. It’s okay if the couple chooses not to share the baby’s name with you. It’s okay if the couple chooses a name you don’t like. Keep your opinion to yourself.
Acting like this pregnancy and this baby are about you. It’s not. It’s about the parents and their sweet, precious baby and what is right for them. You may have done or will do things differently, but this time you don’t get to make the decisions. Fighting over who gets to babysit and threatening the couple that you’ll show up on their doorstep every day without warning (this did happen to a friend of mine) is not what’s best for the baby.
New parents need a chance to learn and figure things out for themselves. No one needs to swoop in to save them until they ask for help. And they will ask for help! Everyone needs help. But they also need to build their own confidence and learn how to be good parents. We’re entering the third trimester tomorrow and panic will set in soon!
Here’s a little something for those that have not been pregnant…
Don’t ask newlyweds when they plan to have children. The answer could be “never” and you will definitely have an opinion about that. They could be currently trying, but don’t want to share that with you. Most importantly, they married each other because they love each other. Let them focus on that for a while before making them feel pressured to move to the next phase.
I work in a baby store and, unfortunately, these comments occur all the time. I especially here a lot of strange suggestions while watching the customers.
Great post!! You hit a TON of good points that everyone should read.
i loved reading this! if they ever happened to me i dont think i could think quick enough for a come back!!
I’m with you on all of these, and I’m sure, when we decide to have children, I’ll feel the same way. I’m totally with you on the “don’t ask newlyweds when they plan to have children.” I’ll take it one step further and say “don’t ask the newlywed if she’s pregnant because her facebook status says she feels icky!”
I’ve never been pregnant, nor do I plan to be anytime soon, but I’m glad to store up these warnings! People really will say anything, no matter how inappropriate. DH and I have been counting how many people ask us when we’re going to get pregnant, but luckily it hasn’t been many so far. And you can’t say the most innocuous things without people getting the wrong idea! At dinner with DH and his family the other night, I said I wanted to sit on the end so I could go to the bathroom easily (I always need to pee at some point during or after dinner). His sister started going, “Oh really? You need to pee a lot? I wonder why…”
Another thing to remember when asking people when they’re going to have a baby is that you might be putting them in an awkward situation. Perhaps she’s already pregnant and waiting to tell people. Perhaps she had a recent miscarriage that you don’t know about. Perhaps they found out they can’t have kids. Seriously, don’t ask unless they bring it up!
Great post! People are SUCH weirdos!
This was a really good post. I think its really easy for people to think that its okay to do any of these things, so its good to hear right from the pregnant gals’ mouths that these things definitely aren’t appreciated!
I can relate. I think you should add to your list that women who have been through child birth should NEVER tell a pregnant woman horror stories about their own delivery. Really, it’s not a good idea. I think people do it to make themselves look like they deserve a badge of honor. Really, look how many women have done it and survived and…oh my gosh… even had a second or third child! Enough with the horror stories people! Preggos don’t want to and don’t need to hear about it!!
Just found your blog and thought I’d say hello and congrats on your baby!
I’m not pregnant, nor have I never been, but it’s always been amazing to me, things people will say and do when they find someone who is! One of my good friends from college emailed me the other day to tell me that she and her husband are having a baby in September and while I couldn’t be more excited for them, I won’t start asking all sorts of questions, unless she volunteers the answers!
I have a feeling that when I have babies, I won’t be broadcasting every moment of my pregnancy or posting belly shots/ultrasounds as my facebook picture, but some people like this and it’s fine! Like you said, sometimes it is better to keep your opinion to yourself!
Okay, I didn’t mean to leave such a long comment… 🙂
I’ve never been pregnant but I know I have seen all of these happen. I hate that just because both of my sisters-in-law recently had babies that everyone wants to tell me like I am next.
Great post, people are so rude. I love when you said not to ask newlyweds when they are going to have a baby. If I had a dollar for everytime someone asks me this both personal and business friends I wouldn’t be working. I have said many times we don’t want children (which is so not the truth) but you should see the look on their face and nothing to say. Ha Ha they asked.
I don’t have any children as yet and though my wedding is 8 months away people always ask me how soon we plan to have a baby after the wedding. So that’s random to me! It will happen when its supposed to
LOVE THIS! I am going to keep this for someday when I’m pregnant (in the far off future) 🙂 to read…
LOVE LOVE LOVE your last paragraph…i should send this to my mother!
Great post! I especially like the, “You didn’t waste any time” comment, we got that too. Mind your own business! Love it all!
Amen!!! People need to learn to keep their mouths shut!! xoxo
i officially love you. amazing post!
The inappropriate comments have been around as long as babies, but what has become so common is the “touching” of the baby bump/belly! I am appalled that someone other than the dad of the baby would touch the “bump”. I never had anyone do that thank goodness!!! 😉
You should mail this list to some of the baby mags 😉 It is wonderful and so, so accurate!!
xoxo
I’m not trying to be rude, but the “poor pregnant girl” thing is a little much. There are couples everywhere struggling to conceive and so many women who would love to have the opportunity to be asked these questions, no matter how annoying you may find them!
No offense, but suck it up! Either you are surrounded by rude people or you are overreacting. I agree with the belly touching, but think of peoples intent behind touching your bump. They don’t do it maliciously! No one thinks to themselves before they do it “Haha this will really bug her!”
People ask these questions to be polite and perhaps out of genuine curiousity. They offer advice to be helpful. It’s your problem if you don’t want to hear it, not theirs. If they ask or say things with a rude undertone, perhaps they have a problem with you and they’re trying to offend you, or they don’t realize they’re being rude!
Just because you’re pregnant doesn’t mean the world revolves around you. People will ask questions. Get over it, move on, and just answer them politely with a smile and walk away.
“It’s okay if the couple chooses a name you don’t like. Keep your opinion to yourself.”
And it’s also okay if someone doesn’t like the name you choose!
I may be the only person who thinks this, but to me, this post was a little shortsighted.
amen, blue-eyed bride!
Love this! We’ve been married four years in May and we get it all the time “Well.. when are y’all going to have babies?!?”. We just smile and walk away. Come on insensitive people! You have no idea what you’re asking for! Or even worse when they try to make you feel bad for not giving your parents any “grandbabies” yet. I just want to scream!!
I don’t think you would because you seem way to nice but it would be so funny if you said something to someone sometime. Like if they said “wow, you’ve gotten huge!” you say, “well I’m pregnant, what happened to you?!”… And that’s whats wrong with me. Because I think that’s hilarious!
Awesome post! Can you publish this in say, The New York Times or USA Today? Just kidding! We’ve had more people ask us when we’re having children and we’ve been married only six months!
I am totally cracking up!!! You hit this one out of the park!!! I wish I could just convince a few of my friends that their lives didn’t end the second they had kids. An 8 year old can be left at home with Dad so we can have an adult only shopping trip for once. LOL!!! I hope you are feeling fantastic and just brushing off all of the negative. XOXO!!
Sadly it’s ALL true!
Preach it sister! I have to agree the most with people not giving the bad and ugly on sleepless nights and labor! I think every woman I have bumped into has now told me about their pregnancy including labor and delivery. The most depressing part is when they tell me you’ll never sleep again! And I also hate hearing from couples that are taking the “higher” road and waiting much longer to have a baby b/c they want to travel the world. It’s like they are telling me I’m giving up the rest of joys in life to have a child. It’s very depressing. I have learned just to chalk it up to jealousy! Even if it’s not the case!!
Oh and I have one more don’t do to add to the list… Don’t tell a pregnant woman what freak story they have heard about someone dying during childbirth or some rare disease… I swear, I have heard a dozen of them.. Like I’m not already worried and freaked out enough. I can’t sleep at night b/c I’m worried I may die in my sleep. Seriously… Encourage even lie to a woman if you have to and tell her how wonderful everything is! Or just don’t even go there.. Okay, I could go on forever about this topic being there right now! ha!
Something that I’ve noticed in reference to panic, not just with myself, but with my friends as well – is that the expecting mother will panic during the pregnancy and have “moments” but the father won’t panic until “it’s time.” This was SO true of everyone I know! Mom would have little breakdown moments for months when she realized that she didn’t know infant CPR, or some other little silly thing that could affect her baby. And when these little moments happened, my husband was always calm. But man when my water broke, his adrenaline was going!
Kind of funny… 🙂 Best of luck to you, ignore everyone because the fact is that it doesn’t matter how rude something is, people will say it anyway. A woman stopped me in K-mart with my 2 week old son to tell me I was holding him wrong! She was like 80 years old, I didn’t know what to say.
I think well wishes are welcome, but I seriously will go off on someone if they do any of the above when I’m pregnant. Especially touch my belly when I don’t give them permission. HANDS OFF!
Great list – I agree with you on everything!
awesome post! I seriously can’t believe the things people say! Whenever I am pregnant I plan on telling off some rude people then blaming in on hormones haha.
That’s so funny about #2 because I even feel weird if I go to hug a pregnant friend because I end up at least touching her stomach from being so close to her waist-wise!
I loved reading everyone’s comments yesterday and today’s post. I’m going to have to start writing down the things people have said to me so far so I can laugh about it once we are done having children!
I can’t believe how rude people are! It’s made me nervous though…I’m not very good at keeping my cool and I can only imagine how fragile I’d be as a preggo…how do you not snap on these people in the sweetest most southern way?? 🙂
You should post a list of acceptable questions/reactions to a pregnancy now. It seems that almost any acknowledgement or interest in someone else’s pregnancy is unacceptable beyond Congratulations (and for someone who maybe wasn’t planning a pregnancy even this may not be welcomed).
Wow….I’m not pregnant nor will I be for another couple of years…but it sounds like people just don’t use there minds at all before they just let thing come out….I so hope that when I am pregnant I don’t have a ton of people touching my belly!! Gross…where have there hands been! Good topic to talk about though..love the post!
It’s amazing what some people will say!! Geez!! I have had a few already but not too many but I have had “you didn’t waste any time”! Ugh-seriously!! I am liable to snap on someone if they say certain things 🙂
like the lady at my office who said “are you sure it’s not twins” multiple times because i was showing “so much”…um excuse me but i was 16.5 weeks pregnant and had gained 2 lbs. then she was the one for the next several weeks who kept commenting on how i barely looked pregnant….
and now there is another lady at my office that says things like “you just get bigger and bigger by the week”…really isn’t that the point of being pregnant. i have gained 11 lbs total and i am 7 months pregnant…wonder what they would think if i had gained 40 lbs.
Everything you mentioned here is SO true. We get asked all the time when we’re going to have a baby…I wish people would think for a minute before they ask questions! They have no idea what the couple is going through.
Great post Erin! I will say that I got nervous that I had asked you some of these things on the list! I’m so sorry if I did and I just want you to know how excited Matt and I are for you guys! Hope your last tri-mester goes smoothly!
Loved this post! So good for a non-pregnant girl whose friends are all getting pregnant to read. We have been married 5 years and are still not “trying” because my husband is in school for a second career, but if I had a dollar for every time I was asked when we are planning to have kids, etc. I would be a rich woman! I even had someone say, “The next time I see you, you better be pregnant!” Seriously? The sassy side of me wants to reply, “Well the next time I see YOU, you better be in menopause!” (It was a middle-aged woman).
The worst is when you are asked when you are due and you are not even pregnant!
That was a great post! Well done! I might refer people to it 🙂
Amen to the not asking newlyweds, we still have two months to go till the wedding and people are already asking.
a brilliant list! we’ve totally been dealing with these too–esp. the ‘your life is over’ and you’ll be tired eternally once the little guy arrives. thanks for the smiles! 🙂
Oh, and one more comment I HATE! It’s not from when I was pregnant, but it has plagued me for the last 4 years since I gave birth to a red – no ORANGE – haired son. “Where’d the red hair come from?” Now I am blonde and my husband has brown hair, but is this question REALLY necessary? My husband’s favorite answer to this question is “His dad, but she won’t tell me who he is.” Seriously, the insinuation that this child is not my husband’s just because his hair color doesn’t match is SO INSULTING!
I’m absolutely appalled at what some people think is ok to say. I truly don’t know what I’d say in some of those situations. Hmmm…maybe you should write a book. I can already see it on the bestseller list 🙂
Oh dear. I have a confession.
While it was only to my closest girlfriends (the first ones married and pregnant), I am pretty sure I have done ALL of these sins – uninvited baby bump touching, incessant questioning, unsolicited opinions…you name it, I’ve done it.
I’m just genuinely curious since it’s not anything that I am close to going through (and frankly, don’t ever want to go through!)
🙁 To all the pregnant ladies on here – I apologize for my bad behavior! 🙁 I have learned my lesson and will not make the same mistakes again!
wow, some people just don’t now what’s appropriate!
I got some unsolicited (and usually unwelcome) advice while wedding planning, but it was nothing compared to this!
Sometimes I feel like I’m falling behind with my friends because they’ve all started having kids. I’ve been married for 2 1/2 years and have no soon plans for kids.