Heart

because I can't get this back

Filed Under: Faith

Oct252012

The other day, I had to run a quick errand to visit a local events designer in her showroom. I had about an hour before Hayes and I had to go pick up Hudson from school. I ran into her beautiful showroom and held Hayes as we walked around and looked at her gorgeous event decor.

If you’ve been reading Blue-Eyed Bride for a while, you may remember that I planned events before I had Hudson. A few weeks ago, Todd said to me, “Remember about seven years ago when you wanted to leave Columbia and go start a big private event company in a bigger city. And now look at where you are. Did you see this coming?”

And the truth is, I didn’t. My days are spent exactly how I want to spend them, but it’s a far stretch from where I thought I’d be.

As I stood there talking to this talented woman (who is closer to my mom’s age than my age), I mentioned to her that she was living my former dream. And I admitted to her that there are still moments when I wonder if I could ever do something like what she’s doing.

She looked at me, and she looked square at Hayes and smiled. She told me that years ago, she was doing what I’m doing now. She volunteered in the community and at her church and released her creativity through those outlets. But when her kids were little she knew she didn’t have the time or energy to devote to starting and running a business.

And she said, “Your time will come, but this time with your babies? You can’t ever get it back.”

I know she is right. Her words reached me and I realized that there is so much time. There is no reason that I need to attempt to “do it all” right now. The day will come when my boys are wrapped up in sports and music and their own social lives and I will have time. My old college dreams aren’t gone just because I chose a different path for this season of my life.

As I stood there with Hayes leaning on my shoulder and running his sticky fingers through my hair, she told me that if I needed my wedding fix I could come lend her a hand one weekend. But this time when they’re so little and really, really need me is time that I’ll always wish I could get back.

I wanted to share this story with all of you to encourage you. As moms of little ones, we know how hard we work and how much recognition comes with that. But our work is just as important as the most widely recognized and wildly praised professional’s work. As long as we’re doing it for the glory of the Lord.

Our other dreams and aspirations may become a reality now or they may take a back seat for a few years while we sort through our current seasons. We may not be able to do it all right now, but He gives us the desires of our hearts when we delight ourselves in Him.

life: interrupted

Filed Under: Faith

Oct232012

So I took the weekend to pray and think. My family is in an interesting season right now. We’re doing great, we’re managing. We’re barely even freaking out about not having a home to move into when we close on our house.

Okay, correction. No one is freaking out except for me. And I’m doing my best not to freak everyone else out by my freak outs.

In addition to the move, I have some other commitments that I need to get through before Christmas.

And there’s my blog. My hobby-turned-small business that I love to nurture. And with it comes a beautiful community of women. And at the heart of that blog is my family, and the stories about my family.

I love to share our stories. But the season we’re in right now is new. God has put it on my heart in a major, tugging, aching way to change the way I tell our story.

Hudson is a spirited, lively, hilarious, normal three-year-old boy who is growing up more every day. He has always been one of God’s little masterpieces, but that little personality of his is more and more evident. And I’m realizing (like a big slap in the face) that just because I’m his mother, doesn’t mean that his story is mine to tell.

I can tell my story of motherhood to all of you, but not Hudson’s. Not Hayes’s. I’ve always done my very best not to write much about Todd unless he says it’s okay, but I’ve not given that same consideration to my kiddos.

And I realize that this is completely a personal decision for each blogger. But right now, as we move from toddlerhood into preschool-hood (is that a word?), I’m going to change the way I tell the story in an effort to protect my babies.

This is scary for me because I love to write and I’ve gotten so comfortable with the way I’ve been doing it for so long.

My friends and I are doing Priscilla Shirer’s study of Jonah right now and it’s all about navigating an interrupted life. These are the things that come up that rock the boat a little bit- or a lot.

The other night my friends and I got together to watch last week’s lesson, and I heard Priscilla Shirer say this…

“Oftentimes the greatest hindrance of a new move of God in your life is the last move of God.”

Yikes, right?

I’ve been there. I’m there now! I want to say, “But I can’t change what I’m doing and do something new because I’m already committed to doing this right now. And it’s a good thing!”

But maybe this good thing isn’t the right thing for right now. I’m confident that I’m hearing Him correctly, and I’m just praying that He’ll guide me through.

Are you struggling with making a decision that makes you uncomfortable? Even though you know deep down it’s the right thing?

Hudson's first Gamecock football experience

Filed Under: Faith, Hudson, Motherhood

Sep182012

A couple of weeks ago, Todd and I started talking about taking Hudson to his first Gamecock football game. We thought the game against UAB would be a good one for him to attend, as we expected that the crowd would be a little more tame since it wasn’t an SEC opponent.

RC and PC kept Hayes at their house, and we got Hudson all decked out in his Gamecock apparel for his first Williams Brice Stadium experience.

We decided not to tailgate, and to just get to the stadium an hour before kickoff. We knew that would give us plenty of time to make our way to the stadium and get situated in our seats before any of the pregame entertainment began.

Hudson was so excited about his hat and the Gamecock on the back of his hat and on his shirt. We held his hands and walked to the stadium. He was paying very close attention to everything. He noticed all the cars, all the Gamecock gear, all the policemen and police cars.

Our first stop was at the concessions stand. We had promised Hudson a Sprite (a treat he’s only had once before) and popcorn. He was so excited! We got inside the stadium really early, so it was easy for him to see everything and he was able to see the band file onto the field.

When the Gamecock first crowed over the loud speaker, Hudson was immediately fascinated by the whole experience. He loved the fireworks every time we scored and he loved the rooster crowing. He clapped when everyone clapped and loved shouting, “Go Cocks!” at the top of his little lungs.

We made three trips to the restroom- and he still never actually used the restroom. I think he just wanted to see the restroom. He just got the full Williams Brice experience!

We left right before half time. He had started to lose interest in the game and we’d run out of chicken fingers. I asked him if he was ready to go home, and he said, “Okay, mommy. Let’s go home.”

He was such a grown up little boy. I was so proud of him on Saturday. He was super excited and appreciative of everything he saw. We may take him to another low key game this season. He was such a little trooper.

We went to RC and PC’s house after the game to pick up Hayes. Hayes was already in bed, and Hudson immediately started telling everyone where he’d been that night. He told them all about seeing Cocky and the huge jumbo-tron (he called it the big TV) and the Gamecocks winning. He was so proud of what he’d gotten to do, and that just made my heart explode with happiness.

We woke Hayes up and put him in the car to go home. On the way home from RC and PC’s house, the car was pretty quiet and both boys were sleepy.

I heard Hudson start talking to Hayes about where he’d been that night. He started telling Hayes about the Gamecocks and Cocky. He told him about the popcorn and Sprite.

And Hayes, he doesn’t say a lot, made a few excited noises and laughed.

And then Hudson said, “Don’t worry, Hayes. You can go, too, when you’re a big boy.” And I looked at Todd and had to fight back the tears.

Going to his first game is such a simple thing, but it’s such a big first in his relationship with his Daddy, who is a Gamecock fan since he was about Hudson’s age.

He may not remember his first experience, but he’ll always have the pictures. Todd and I, on the other hand, will never ever forget Hudson’s first experience and how we introduced him to a tradition that he’ll be a part of for a long time. (And we’ll just continue to keep our fingers crossed that he remains a Gamecock fan and doesn’t cross over to the dark side. Kidding!)

dear me: a letter to my teenage self

Filed Under: Faith, Uncategorized

Sep142012

Dear me at 17,

Oh, goodness. If I could give you anything right now it would be a hug.

I would stand there and just hold you and look you in the eye and promise that it does get better. I can honestly tell you with full confidence, that the years that you’re living right now are the most dramatic and troublesome you’ll face. I’m so sorry that you’re going through all of that right now, but it gets better. So much better.

You’ve only lived in Indiana for four years, and you’re finally starting to feel like you’re not the “new girl” anymore. These years have been challenging, but you handled it. It took a while to find your true group of friends in a town full of people who have known each other their whole lives.

You weren’t the cheerleader or the athlete or the most beautiful. For many years you felt like you didn’t have a place there. But you’re going to perform in your final performance on the YHS stage as Tuptim in The King and I. Musical theater always made you come alive, and for just a few days every year, you were able to share your talents.

I have to tell you something really important, and it takes a few years for you to really figure this out. Your hair works so much better if it’s long. And more good news! There is this amazing contraption that’s called the Chi flat iron. It’s miraculous and you won’t ever have to debate the “curly or straight” thing ever again. This thing really does straighten your hair!

All of your friends are hilarious and so much fun to be around. And your good friend Hillary from youth group is the girl that inspires you to start a blog someday. Yes, it’s this thing called a blog and it’s really weird, and every day you share too much information with people you don’t know. I’ll explain all that later.

Things with mom and dad are going to get better. You’ve all had so many huge arguments over a boy. You love him, but he’s not the one for you. And they know it. And deep down you know it, too.

It’s okay. First loves can be really intense, and mom and dad really do just want to protect you. In about fifteen years you’ll start to have some idea of how they’re feeling right now every time you leave the house and aren’t honest about where you’re going.

Go ahead and take that chip off of your shoulder and let go of your pride. It is incredibly humbling to be grounded, but Mom and Dad know you. You’re not fooling them with this prideful act. You can cry in front of them and let them know how much you’re hurting.

It’s okay. Forgive yourself for all the chaos when you think back on it. Move on. One beautiful thing about Jesus and our parents is that they are incredible gracious and forgiving. Please learn to be that way for yourself.

Despite what all the guidance counselors tell you, these years do not define you. You will be so much more than high school. You are a child of God, and no prom dress, failed exam, aced exam, hair cut, boyfriend, car, or fight with a friend can ever change that.

In just a few months you’ll graduate high school and then head back to Louisiana for college. It will feel safe and comfortable and like home.

You will love college. Those years won’t be without some hurt and disappointment, but you will make the best friends you’ve ever had and they will be the girls that stand next to you on your wedding day.

Speaking of wedding day, let me just tell you about this guy you’re going to marry. At first you think he may just be good on paper. But he is the real deal. He makes you feel truly beautiful for the first time in your life. He helps you find your way back to Jesus. You’re going to have two beautiful boys and life is going to be simple. And beautiful.

And guess what! Mom and Dad leave Indiana for about eight years, but they move back! When you come back to Indiana as a grown woman with your baby boys, it’s a super surreal feeling, and a flood of emotions will come rushing back.

I wish so badly that you could see how great this all turns out. You will be happy. You will grow more and more in love with Jesus. You and Walker totally love being around each other as adults. He’s so funny and he is the best Uncle to your little boys. You will marry the greatest man you’ve ever met and your family and his family get along wonderfully. The family that you all build and the children that you raise will be the joy of your life.

Be kind to yourself these next few years. Let go of the body image stuff. Have some fun. Love yourself.

So I guess I had more to say to you than just giving you a big hug and crying into your hair. But you probably could use a hug.

Hang in there, sweet girl.

Love,

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