When Hayes was born, Hudson was completely oblivious to his presence. He would kind of look at him, but he never doted on him or fussed over him.

As time went on, he was mostly sweet to Hayes, but I was still just holding my breath, waiting for the day to come when they’d start to act like brothers.

Over the past few months, we’ve heard lots more screaming and more territorial behavior. If Hayes entered the room where Hudson was playing, Hudson would immediately shriek and demand that Hayes leave him and his toys alone.

Of course we encourage him to share, but we can’t force a relationship to happen.

I don’t know about you, but as a mom, I’ve learned that as long as you can hear your kids, you know they’re okay. It’s when it gets quiet that you should start worrying.

But the other day, I went to check on my boys because it was way too quiet. Why wasn’t someone screaming? If they were in the same room together, there had to be screaming.

And when I entered the room, I found them playing together. Silently. I’d occasionally hear a giggle out of someone, but they were playing with the same toys. At the same time. Together.

We’ve reached that point. The screaming and fighting and wrestling will likely never end. In fact, I expect it to get worse.

But in the mornings, the first thing Hudson says when he wakes up is, “Let’s go check on Hayes!” He can’t wait for his brother to get up.

When we go to the playground, Hudson always seems to have one eye on Hayes and then the other eye on what he’s trying to do. But as soon as Hudson can’t see Hayes anymore, he stops what he’s doing to go make sure his brother is okay.

If Hayes is corrected for misbehaving, Hudson immediately comes to his defense.

That’s the brotherhood I’ve prayed for, that I knew would come someday. So I know in my heart that they have each other’s backs. It’s Hudson and Hayes and they’re thick as thieves.

The proof is in the silence.

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So I took that whole “no goals. just grace” thing pretty seriously, right? I gave myself a good old 14 days of grace and chose not to blog.

At first it was just because I didn’t really want to, and then after a few days, I just fell out of the habit and actually enjoyed not blogging. I didn’t read any blogs and didn’t have that nagging feeling in my gut that I just had to get to my computer and write something. And if I had allowed myself, I could have ignored it again today.

The truth? I have no idea how often I want to keep this up right now. But I appreciate all of you who read this blog so very much and I have loved having this blog as an outlet for so long that something keeps pulling me back.

Things with our family are going well. Todd and I are doing great and the boys are doing great. We’re playing a lot, reading a lot, cooking a lot and seeing a lot of movies. I watched all of Parenthood on Netflix and now I’m addicted to The West Wing.

We’re still trying to find our new balance and our new routine. The lack of consistent routine has a lot to do with the lack of blogging. But we’re keeping busy and we’re having a lot of fun. I like to do my writing by myself while my kids nap. But I’m rarely by myself and Hudson has completely dropped his nap. (And that hasn’t been a bad thing at all. He has done great!)

I guess I’m just saying that life is changing, as it should. And, as I was confused a few months ago, I’m confused again about how this little piece of the internet fits into our life.

I have heard a lot about people adopting a word for the year. I thought about mine, and what came to mind when I tried to think of one word.

A few months ago, during The Nester’s 31 Days series, my friend, Ellen, wrote a beautiful series called “Abide: 31 Days to Love Where You Live.” This was in the midst of our home-selling process, and her words really spoke to my heart.

Fast forward to today, and our family is still “displaced.” We are waiting. We are trying to wait patiently. We are praying. We are grumbling, though we try not to.

We have toured home after home after home. And our prayer each time we get ready to make an offer is, “God, if this home is not your will for us, please make it very clear. Please stop this process before we get too far.”

And so far, in the last few months, that has happened five times. Five times!

So we’re listening. And waiting. But each day, I am consumed with this overwhelming feeling of “needing” to get all of this sorted out. For us to find our home. Where we will abide together.

Webster’s Dictionary defines abide this way:

1. to wait for; 2. to endure without yielding, to bear patiently, 3. to remain fixed in a state, 4. to continue in a place, 5. to accept without objection

Seriously?

No objection? But we want a home of our own. We want our kids to have their own space.

To bear patiently? But I’ve been patient. We didn’t start this process yesterday.

But God is protecting us. He’s telling me to be quiet. To wait. To stop grumbling. To enjoy the ride. To endure it and accept it. And realize that His plan is so much greater than ours, if we could just sit tight and wait for it.

And I can do this. I will do this in 2013.

I know that our reward at the end of all of this will be well worth it all.

But I’m also choosing a different form of this word. I’m choosing to abide in the Lord, Jesus Christ this year. I’m choosing to hold and remain in Him and be held secure in that permanent relationship. I’m choosing to learn about him through this process. And thank Him for the blessings and praise Him for his glory.

Thank you for listening to my heart, and hearing me where we are right now. I’m excited about 2013!

On Friday morning, I was sitting in the car at the boys’ preschool waiting a few minutes before it was time to go in to get them.

I heard on the radio that there was a shooting in an elementary school in Newtown, Connecticut. I found the story online and was absolutely horrified and so sad to hear the news.

It’s safe to assume that anyone who is a parent or anyone who has ever loved a child has been deeply saddened by this news. We’re all grieving over the loss of these precious, innocent lives, and mourning the loss of the teachers and adults who were there trying to protect the children.

We’re stunned at what has happened to this world, and wonder how something like this could possibly happen. How could someone do this?

I can’t imagine what these families are going through, but I can pray. I can’t have answers about why this happens, but I can pray.

On the way home from school that day, I turned off the radio because I didn’t want Hudson to hear anything. I wanted some quiet in the car with my boys. So we started singing Christmas carols.

Hudson sings and Hayes mostly listens. But he smiles and watches us. Hudson sang the first verse to Away in a Manger, and when he finished he asked me to sing the other verses that he doesn’t know.

So I did.

And then I got to this verse.

Be near me, Lord Jesus, I ask Thee to stay

Close by me forever and love me, I pray.

Bless all the dear children in Thy tender care,

And fit us for heaven to live with Thee there.

And in that moment, I was completely overwhelmed at the truth of those words. And I began to cry.

The promise that we have is written right there in that Christmas carol. Because of the incredible gift that we’ve been given because Jesus Christ came to this earth to live with us, walk with us, serve us, and then die for us so that we can spend our eternity with Him.

I am so sad that such innocent, hopeful, spirited lives were taken from this world so soon. These families, mothers, fathers, grandparents, friends, sisters, and brothers are in my constant prayers.

And I am praying that we use this time to love each other and serve each other. Reach out to each other and show kindness and love.

This week is the week of my church’s Singing Christmas Tree performances. For the past few nights we’ve had technical rehearsals for lighting and sound purposes.

There is a song in the production where one little child comes out on the stage and sings all by herself. Up to this point we hadn’t heard the child sing.

When it was time for that song, my friend’s seven year old daughter walked on stage, where she was lit up by the spotlight. She sang her song, and she sang it sweetly, confidently, and flawlessly.

I was completely overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by her smallness and her innocence. But I was mostly overwhelmed by her confidence.

She stood on that stage and sang without hesitation. And that kind of bravery in such a small person singing about giving her heart to baby Jesus overwhelmed me.

And I thought to myself, “I could never be that brave.”

But I know that we all do things every single day that require courage.

I saw another friend yesterday who has a five week old baby boy. While we were visiting, she mentioned that coming home from the hospital was a really emotional time.

And it made me remember how much courage I had to find deep down inside myself just to get in the car and leave the security of the hospital when our kids were born. And how much more courage it took to say goodbye to my mom, knowing that I’d be taking care of a newborn baby for the first time in my life– all by myself.

When we get out of bed in the morning and know we’ll be facing a teething, cranky toddler or a spirited preschooler, we’re being brave. We’re being responsible, of course. But being responsible for another person in every year is brave. It just is.

We’re brave when we fall asleep at night dreading the to-do list of the next day. But we do it. We move on, we face it, we take care of our responsibilities. We do our best to smile and keep the peace. And maybe even wash our face that night before we go to bed so that we can try to maintain a youthful-looking face, at least.

There is so much courage in the ordinary. Because sometimes the ordinary can wear us down.

But most times, we can look at the ordinary and see how fantastic it is. And that we’re really good at it! We are good wives. We are good mothers. We are good keepers of the home. We are good friends. We are good employees and employers.

Those decisions each day to just move forward and face the scary responsibilities head on, are the ones that make us great at what we do.

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

*I wrote a guest post today for Courtney over at Lil Light O’ Mine. Courtney has started a great initiative for families to show their children about giving back during the Christmas season. It’s called “Light Em Up.” Courtney has created a list of 100 ways to give back and has also created printable gift tags for us to use. I hope you’ll go over to her blog at Lil Light O’ Mine to read all about how you and your family can participate and read the testimonies from other families who are participating in Light Em Up 2012!