Not to get all sappy or anything, but the time goes by so quickly. I wish so many little things away and get excited when Hudson and Hayes start to grow up a little and move out of a phase.

But I want to hang on to the times when they’re asking to be held and kissed. The day will come when they’ll roll their eyes when I try to kiss them. Now they just want to giggle and cuddle. They may be noisy and they may have so many different needs. But that day is going to come when they don’t think they need me anymore.

So I wanted to make this little list so I can remind myself not to wish it away.

One day… We can go out to eat as a family without packing a huge bag full of toys and tricks to hold us over for just an hour.

One day… I won’t do three loads of laundry per day to clean up the drool soaked shirts and potty training clothes.

One day… They’ll go to school almost all day and I’ll be able to get so much done at home.

One day… They will stop fighting over toys and just do their own thing.

One day… They won’t stand down at my feet with arms reached up high saying, “hold you!” while I’m trying to cook.

One day… I’ll wish they were standing at my feet with arms reached up high saying, “hold you.”

One day… I will be the one stopping families when we’re out and I’ll say, “I remember when my boys were this age.”

One day… They will be taller than I am and running in the house at 7:00 p.m. after some kind of practice and kissing me on the cheek before saying, “I’m going to my room to do my homework and going to bed.”

One day… I’ll be able to fix dinner without the fear of burning something because someone has fallen down or is crying or having a meltdown.

One day… I’ll miss the days when the dinner table was noisy and it took me 45 minutes to eat because I was constantly up and down refilling sippy cups and cutting up food.

One day… Our house will be quiet and I’ll rely on their wives to keep me in the loop.

One day… I will count down the minutes until I can hug them.

The week before we came to visit my parents was a tough one. We’d just gotten over hand, foot and mouth and we were trying to find a good mix of spending time outside, but not over heating and collapsing from heat stroke.

Hudson stopped napping. Hayes is constantly on the move. We had a couple of house showings, which is really a good thing, but it just throws a kink in the plans. Todd was having incredibly busy days at work, which means he either comes home at a decent time and works all night or he just comes home really late.

I promise I didn’t write this post just to complain. Bear with me.

One particularly tough day, Todd surprised me and came home early while the boys were still napping. We were sitting down just catching up on the day and I just hugged him and started to cry. I was so tired. And overwhelmed. And really just feeling like I was failing my kids.

Hudson was acting out because he wasn’t getting to run and jump and go wild outside because it was too hot. And Hayes is still not really saying any words other than the occasional babble. So when I sit down with him to do some fun basic word flash cards or read him books, Hudson is all up in my lap and in his face answering any questions for Hayes.

I spend so much of the day correcting Hudson for not sharing and for screaming at his brother when Hayes gets too close to his toys.

And there was just this big moment where I felt like I couldn’t do anything for either of them without completely losing my patience and becoming “scary mommy.” And scary mommy is just not the way I want to be.

So I’m hugging Todd and wiping away my tears and he says, “Don’t get mad when I say this, but would you be happier if you went back to work?”

And I had no idea how to answer. I don’t think there is an answer. I have no idea if I’d be happier. But even having to use the word “happier” implies that I’m not happy. And I am so happy.

But the days are hard. They just are. I love my boys so much, but there are days when I feel helpless.

Going back to work is not in the plans. But I’m trying to give myself some grace. When I lose my patience because I’ve heard “Mommy, mommy, mommy” way too many times in one day, I wonder what I need to do.

And then we got away. We escaped to my parents’ house for a change of scenery. For some quality time during the day with my mom and fun in the evening with my dad. Of course we have missed Todd more than words can even express, but a change of scenery was exactly what we all needed.

I successfully potty-trained Hudson. And if that didn’t redeem me from “scary mommy” I don’t know what would. I am incredibly excited about Hudson’s achievement. Both of my boys had lots of one-on-one attention and it was just a great couple of weeks.

And now we are recharged and ready to get back home. When I was picking up their toys and getting my parents’ house back in order, I felt a little sad. Mostly sad for my mom and dad. Their house will be really quiet again. And in some ways I know they are looking forward to the normalcy and quiet, but I also know they’ll miss those funny giggles and constant jabbering.

This also gives me some good perspective. My days may be long and some days I can’t wait for Todd to get home. Our house may be chaotic, loud, and messy. But what’s so bad about a little mess? And is chaos really all that bad when the ones making all the noise are super cute?

I’m heading back home and “scary mommy” is a long way behind us in the rear view mirror.

I have been so incredibly blessed by the “Living the Surrendered Life” devotional as a part of #SheReadsTruth. Every single day, this devotional speaks to me and challenges me. Yesterday’s devotion about mercy about knocked me over. I haven’t ever been much of a grudge holder, but I do struggle in some areas with showing mercy and grace to people that hurt me. But if I stop and think about someone’s intentions, my feelings change. Because I truly don’t think that people set out to hurt or disappoint others. If you haven’t read yesterday’s entry yet, I encourage you to get on that! If God can show me mercy every single day, can’t I show it to the people in my life?

Moving right along…

This morning, the devotion is about taking care of ourselves. The fuel that we need for our bodies, our minds, our hearts, our spirituality, our mental well-being. It’s the brain fuel and the physical fuel. The emotional and spiritual fuel.

It’s so hard to always be putting so many people and responsibilities ahead of our simplest needs. Because our needs are pretty simple, right? It may just be the need to get a shower and put on makeup every day.

And if those needs aren’t met, I know that after a few days I start to shut down. Things don’t get done. I want to go to bed as soon as the kids go to bed because I’m just wiped out. I become overwhelmed. When I don’t take the time (or make the time) to take care of myself in the ways that I need it, it gets harder and harder for me to take care of my people. And all I really ever want is to take care of my people and give them the very best of me.

So, in today’s #SheReadsTruth, we’re asked to spend some time making a plan of how we’ll take care of our needs so we can better take care of the needs of our people.

So what are my needs? What fuel do I need? Besides coffee, of course.

• Exercise. I feel better when I exercise. I don’t love doing it, but I go to bed feeling better physically and feeling better about myself.
• Quiet time with the Lord. I really just need fifteen quiet minutes alone.
• A good meal with my family every night. And this requires me building in the time to get that done for me and for them.
• Outside time with my family. Even if we just go on a walk.
• An opportunity to write every day.

I always feel better when my whole to-do list gets done, but I know that’s not always possible. But my fuel is so important to my daily mental and physical health. I need time with the Lord. I need exercise. I feel better when I know I’ve fed my family well. We all feel better when we’ve been outside and I prefer if we all do it together before my kids are old enough not to want to spend time with me.

And I need to write. I feel better when I write and I feel like my day was incomplete if I go to bed without writing.

It’s not always possible to take care of all of my “fuel” before I take care of my people. But I try to do some of it. Because if the whole day goes by and I haven’t taken any time to take care of myself, I just feel completely wiped out and lost.

What fuels you every day?