One of the first goals I want to tackle is the closet situation.

We have a small closet here at Todd’s grandmother’s house, and it’s bursting at the seams. Our closet in the new house will be a bit bigger, but that’s not really the point.

There are things in my closet that I haven’t seen in months. They’re hidden in a sea of clothes. They were purchased on impulse. They mean nothing to me.

So why did I buy them? Not because they were cute. Not because they were on sale. But, really, why did I buy them?

Here’s where I’m trusting you. I’m praying that we’re all friends here so I can get a little bit vulnerable in my space. It’s gonna get ugly, complete with some ugly cries while I write.

I have some serious self-image issues. And I buy the clothes so I can hide.

Because, in my mind, if I’m wearing new, pretty clothes, I can hide behind them. People will see my clothes and not the body that shames me.

I know. Those words make me cringe. But they’re the truth.

When I was 16 years old, and a senior in high school, I went with a friend to her older brother’s apartment to pick up something that she needed. I don’t remember all of the details about the day, but I do remember that when we walked up to the door, there was a sign hanging up that said,

“Girls who weigh 130 pounds or less are welcome inside.”

I have no idea what I weighed at the time, but I’m 5’8″ and I was probably a little over 130 lbs.

And ever since then, that was my number. I knew it was ridiculous. It hurt me to read it even then on that door. But it became my number that I strived for.

I’ve hit that number a few times. I was under that number on my wedding day. And now, two babies and five years later, I’m far from that number.

So I buy clothes to hide that. I try to mask the insecurity. Mask the shame. Mask the weight that I wish I wasn’t carrying around.

The truth? My head knows the truth. My God sees me as beautiful. He created me! He loves me! He formed me. He knows me.

This body carried two babies. It endured surgeries. It works to create a home for my family.

But daily, I am faced with shame over it. Because it’s not what it used to be. And it doesn’t match an arbitrary number.

Filling my closet with things to hide that? So I don’t have to face the truth? That’s just icky and it robs me of my white space.

It robs Todd and me of financial breathing room every time I buy something we don’t need. It robs me of peace and white space when I go to get dressed each day and feel my blood pressure go up as I try to find something comfortable, that fits, and sort through the clutter of clothes.

I can put on a mask. I can walk and talk like a confident woman. I can do my best to hide those insecurities. But they are there. And they are lies! 

So my goal with the closet is to let go of the number. To focus on health and happiness and living in a way that glorifies the Father. To stop filling up my closet instead of filling up my heart with more of Jesus. More acceptance of His grace and knowledge of who He is and who He created me to be.

I am not a number on the scale. I am not a size on a pair of jeans. And what I put on cannot hide the person that I am.

I was bought with a price! And so were you, sister. We were created in His image! And nothing can separate us from Him. Nothing.

This week I’m going to go through my closet and donate what I don’t wear and maybe sell a few things. I’ll focus on keeping the things that I love and that I wear often. For more tips and information about creating a great, functional wardrobe, visit The Tiny Twig’s The No Brainer Wardrobe Revisited. 

This is Day 7 in a series called 31 Days of Creating White Space. You can read the rest of the posts here.

 

I was really fortunate that our October calendar is pretty clear when I committed to writing about white space. We’re finishing up with the building of our home, and we have our regular commitments to our church and our family. But I love that I’m not scheduled to leave town at all this month.

A Saturday with my family is one of my favorite things. Especially a no-plans Saturday.

In design, white space gives the eye an opportunity to rest. In life, white space gives my soul an opportunity to rest. To see the good. The really, really good.

What do I want for today? How will I make the most of my time and leave room for white space?

I want to sip my coffee slowly.

I want to get down on the floor and play Candyland with Hudson.

I want to take the boys to the pumpkin patch to pick out their first pumpkin for the year. And maybe even get our hands dirty carving it!

I want to read my book during naptime while Todd watches football.

I want to get a handle on all of this laundry, and put it away so it doesn’t clutter my space and my mind this week.

I want to watch Homeland with Todd on Sunday night, and catch up on Dateline on the DVR.

I want to look around and see that “this is good.” All of this is so good. It’s not meant to rush and hurry so I completely miss it.

What do you want for your day?

This is day 5 of 31 Days of Creating White Space. You can read the other posts here. 

Before I can set my goals for white space and come up with a good, strategic plan, I have to identify all the things that clutter my heart, my mind, and my home.

Social Media

There. Let’s just get that one out there. I deleted Facebook and Twitter from my phone a long time ago, so I don’t really struggle with those. But I do love me some Instagram. Instagram is a pretty place, though, isn’t it? It’s not noisy. There’s not a lot of negativity. And I can give you a list of Instagrammers who actually share the Gospel in their posts!

But the pull to check in and update clutters my space. Checking my phone for blog comments. Thinking about and brainstorming my next blog post. And then reading other blogs and thinking about those things during the day.

Plans, Commitments, Meetings

Plans to have dinner one night are life-giving to me. But meetings, obligations, and other things that have me running from one thing to the next are not life-giving to me. They take time away from my kids. They stop me from playing in the backyard and from getting on the floor to do puzzles.

Chores

I’m constantly thinking about things that need to be done around here. The paper is piled up. The laundry needs to be folded. Dinner needs to be cooked. All of those things are just part of being a mom and a wife. But I’m not always organized, so I can help myself by getting organized. But the piles and the clutter are common white space stealers.

Toys

There are toys everywhere. Too many toys. And mostly little toys. My kids own’t even know if something “disappears.” They certainly don’t need anything else and they actually do not play well with toys when there are too many toys. Their minds are cluttered and their play space likes white space.

Clothes

In our temporary living situation, we don’t have a lot of closet space. And I just have too many clothes, and I continue to accumulate more. It’s stressful because I can’t find things when I want to wear them, and getting dressed in the morning takes up way too much time. Personal style is important to me, but when I have too many things that just aren’t wearable or comfortable, they’re useless and just take up space.

As we’ve planned our home and watched it being built, I’ve come up with some plans for household organization and management. This takes time and planning, so it doesn’t really seem like I’m creating white space, but the end result is all about white space. Everything has its place. Everything is streamlined. And that gives you all kinds of white space.

These list of items above have gotten some kind of hold in me over the years. They have their ways of controlling me and the way I feel.

These things are not of the Lord and they do not create community or relationship or a loving home.

On Monday, I’m going to lay out the plans and goals for change.

So what about you? What is stealing your white space? What burdens you?

This post is the 5th in a series called 31 Days of Creating White Space. You can read all of the posts here.