Last week, I was feeling anxious and frankly just a little bit blue. I wasn’t totally sure why. There was a small feeling of boredom, yet I was busy. But when the boys would nap I would feel overwhelmingly anxious and restless.
I wasn’t sure if it was a sign that I wanted to go back to work. When I stopped and really thought about it, I realized that I’m not ready to go back to work. And where would I go if I did?
But I realized that I was feeling down about the way our days were going. Butting heads. Stressing about Hayes’s speech and spending lots of time working with him. Getting screamed at by a toddler and an hour later watching him sleep and crying silent tears because I just love him so much.
I frequently hear this Steven Curtis Chapman song when we’re heading to school in the mornings and it always speaks to me. Mainly the first verse. It reminds me of my life.
My life isn’t glamorous, but I happen to love it. Even when I don’t always appreciate it, I do love it. I look like a wreck most of the time, but I don’t really care. There are times when I think, “is this significant?” I’m spending my day correcting and disciplining and cleaning and cleaning again and taking deep breaths and counting to 10. And then I’m also cuddling and reading and rocking and feeding and tickling and chasing and laughing and bathing and wrestling and giggling.
There’s just one thing I have to remember to maintain focus and perspective.
I’m doing all of this for His glory. It’s not about me. None of it is. Sometimes that just plain sucks. But it’s for God’s glory and it’s for my kids. And if I can keep that in my heart and mind every single day (maybe not every second of every day), I can refocus and regroup.
I need to see myself the way He sees me. And I need to see my kids the way He sees them. I have an amazing opportunity to do great things and make an impact on their little lives. It’s a big responsibility and sometimes it just overwhelms me, but I can only do the best that I can do.
So moms, listen to the song and take a look at the lyrics that really touched my heart this week.
You’re picking up toys on the living room floor for the 15th time today
Matching up socks
Sweeping up lost cheerios that got away
You put a baby on your hip
Color on your lips and head out the door
While I may not know you,
I bet I know you
Wonder sometimes, does it matter at all?
Well let me remind you, it all matters just as long
As you do everything you do to the glory of the One who made you,
Cause he made you,
To do
Every little thing that you do
To bring a smile to His face
Tell the story of grace
With every move that you make
And every little thing you do
(from Steven Curtis Chapman’s “Do Everything”)
Thank you for being so authentic! I have been feeling that way on and off for the past week. I realize it has a lot todo with my self talk and prespective. I am not going on a detox for both! Thank you and may the Lord bless you richly for sharing your heart:)
I love this song so much! Even though I’m not a mom, there are always things you do that make you wonder if it matters and this song is SO reassuring!
I don’t usually comment but lately I am really appreciating your honesty in your posts. Parenting is the hardest job I have ever had. It’s hard stuff for sure!! Thank you for being so genuine!
Love your blog and read it often! This song has spoken to my heart in the last year SO MUCH and I’m so glad that you’re writing about it! I am a mama with a baby in Heaven, working again as a teacher when I had planned to be a stay at home mom. I am consistently praying for reminders that I am exactly in the MIDDLE of God’s will for my life, even though it sometimes doesn’t feel good. Praising God with you today for his GOOD PLANS and his perfect direction!
Jess
http://www.thediemfamily.blogspot.com
I too have been so thankful for your honestly. Your boys are beautiful and just precious, but it’s nice to know that we all have our issues and things that we are trying to work through. My kids are the exact same ages as yours and lately my 3 year old has started hitting and trying to break things during his tantrums. Not only does it have me frustrated and sad, it makes me feel like I must have done something wrong and I just want to cry. Then my 1 year old, (on Sunday) still won’t eat solids or drink anything from a sippy cup. He eats baby food no problem, but gags every time I try something with more substance. Parenting is the hardest job in the world. Saying a little prayer tonight for all of us moms out there just trying to do the best we can.
Oh my goodness! I can so relate yet again! I love that song and every time we are running out the door and I hear that song on the radio, I know God is sending it to me to be encouraged. I completely understand what you are saying about feeling anxious about dealing with tantrums and messes over and over again. It is not easy and sometimes it can make you feel like you are going crazy. Prayer has truly helped me in the last couple of weeks because my two year old (turning 3 in July) has really been testing our rules lately. I get anxious because I want to be consistent and sometimes when you are running after a crawling baby Aiden (10 months), you can’t always be as consistent. If I don’t pray in the morning, I notice that I don’t have the patience or the strength to withstand all of the craziness of the day in a godly way. I completely understand how you are feeling because there are days when I wonder if I should go back to teaching, but I know that deep in my heart I love every SINGLE minute of being home with boys and that I would regret missing all the time that I have with my boys now. I know that I look a hot mess, but one day I will look back at these moments when I was home with my boys and I will long for them. You are not alone! You are doing a great job and there will be some bad days and good, but be encouraged that God sees all that you are doing and He is smiling on you! 🙂
it’s hard when the children are small, sometimes you get so tied up in the day to day grind, it is hard to see that you are doing a wonderful thing by making sure that your children grow up with your values. I believe that a child’s character is formed (basically) by the time that they begin Kindergarten and children that grow up in loving, caring homes have the best chance at having a caring, honest character. They are able to show empathy and love to others (no they aren’t perfect, but better able to cope with life.)
Thanks for sharing this Erin. I really needed to read those words before going back to work tomorrow. I always knew my SAHM gig was temporary, but now that it’s coming to an end I’m dealing with some unexpected emotions. I just need to focus on it being God’s plan & remembering how blessed I am.
Erin, your blog reminds me so much of when Jason and Allison were little. Although they are grown now, every day continues to be an adventure. I love the link to your song…EVERYTHING that you do is so important. Take that to heart <3
I feel for you, and I wish I could say I understood but I don’t. I can say, I wish I could pick up those toys for you, that I could hug my own child and even get yelled at by them, but I don’t know if I’ll ever have that chance. I also know you can’t be alone because I heard many a Mom say they’ve felt this way at some point. Good luck with things.
That song has really spoken to me lately too! I have a set of 4 month old twin boys and a 21 month old little girl, so yes, I get that insignificant feeling. But then I look at them and just thank God they are mine and just pray so hard asking Him to help me (& my husband) have the wisdom to raise them! I have to remember that we’re raising them for the glory of God. It’s hard to see when all three of them are crying, the dog is howling, and dinner is burning on the stove. I think I’ve finally discovered that its a daily battle, if not moment by moment.
Your family is beautiful and you are an awesome mom! Btw, we have a little Hayes too! 🙂
http://www.brunerbliss.wordpress.com
Love this post!! Songs speak to me so much and encourage me more than anything else, really. Thanks for sharing. And you are such a great mommy and wife. I will be praying that you have a great week filled with giggles, hugs, and wrestling and tickling and few worries or fears. This week brings about lots of celebrating with family and friends so it’s sure to be a happy one, indeed! Can’t believe sweet Hayes is almost ONE!!! Wasn’t I just monogramming him a baby gown like yesterday?!
Oh I have felt this exact same way and literally had chills the first time I heard this song. Parenting is a tough job and throws me curveballs on a daily basis. All we can do is try to be the best Moms we can & be thankful to God for second, third & fourth chances at trying to get it right 🙂 At least that’s what I tell myself!
I can’t tell you how much I needed to read this at this very moment. Thanks Erin… 🙂
I have enjoyed your blog for some time but have never left a comment. I really felt the need to today. I am a mom of 4 kids and being a mom is the only thing I ever really wanted to do. I have enjoyed it so very much. But I also had some “restless” days where I felt “off”. I think they just come with the job of stay at home mom. I know you have heard this many, many times but…….. enjoy every second. It really flies by. My heart is breaking as we are preparing for my oldest childs high school graduation and my youngest childs pre-school graduation in a few weeks. This is such a bitter sweet time for me. For the first time in years I will not be needed at home during the day. This fall I will have no little ones at home with me.I’m wondering how in the world I will be able to pack my “baby” up and drop him off at college. I just can’t believe this time is over. I feel like I’m not done yet….. but time marches on sooooo quickly. I envy you because you have so much ahead of you. And you are doing such a wonderful job. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Being a mom is a super hard job and it never really seems to get easier. Enjoy your days at home with your little ones. I would do anything to have mine back.
Thank you for this post today Erin. I don’t have kids yet (but someday . . . ), but this post was a great refresher for me. Every once in a while I need a good smack up side the head with a 2×4, and this post did it. Keep it coming 🙂 I always look forward to what you have to say. Thanks again!
Thank you so much for this post! It is so much of what I have been struggling with lately as a new stay-at-home-mommy. It inspired me so much, I finally blogged about my own feelings, while linking back to your orinigal post. Thanks so much again for always being such a great source of encouragement for me!
http://brittanyolson.blogspot.com/2012/04/on-self-doubt.html
Really loved this post. Reading the lyrics to the song brought tears to my eyes so thank you for being so honest and posting this.
Everyone has been there–and you’re right, it is about doing the best that you can to serve your family. You mentioned something about Hayes’ speech and I just wanted to give you a shout out of encouragement; my son was speech delayed, he didn’t get any consonant sounds until around 15 months and didn’t have any actual spoken words until 27 months. It was hard, and it was even harder in having him be my strong willed child and listening to everyone around me give suggestions as to what we *should* be doing. My ped is very proactive, and we had a full hearing test done at around a year–to make sure there that wasn’t the cause–and we were screened by Early Intervention every six months from age one until two and a half. We never qualified for speech and they didn’t recommend doing therapy on our own as he was always the exact same # of months behind in verbal speech, and as he got older we discovered that his cognitive speech (what they understand and comprehend) was significantly advanced for his age. Between two and a half and three he had a language explosion and our running joke became that we were glad we didn’t spend thousands on speech therapy so he could stop never shutting up even sooner! I was all in favor of working with my kids on my own (LOTS of reading!) and doing the follow-through to make sure there isn’t anything that I need to be addressing, but most speech delays resolve themselves on their own by age three and it wouldn’t have mattered whether they had received therapy or not. Looking back at my son now I think it was a combination of how hard his brain was working to absorb things and his strong will that held him up–he wanted to talk when he could say everything he wanted to say and not before. He was the same way with stairs–I kept thinking something was wrong with his motor skills because we couldn’t “teach” him how to go up/down stairs; we realized as he got older that he only wanted to do it when he could hold the rail, and stand up and do it like a grown up…none of that crawling for him! Now he’s six in kindergarten and has an astounding vocabulary, is freakishly good at math and within the first month of starting school was flagged for the gifted program.
LOVE this post and LOVE that song!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you!
Wow! This song and post sum up how I feel most days! I’m amazed at how well your able to articulate your feelings, if I tried it would be one big rambling mess! Bravo Erin!
I have definitely felt like this too, just that nothing is terrible but some things a little stressful even think you’re giving it to God, a lot to do each day, loving life but still odd feeling. I try to remind myself of this too and I hear this song on the radio all the time too but it really hit me more last week too. 🙂 But it is so true, our little ones are our most important and closest little disciples! Sweet, energetic, loving, curious, sometimes (sometimes a lot) defying, precious little gifts of disciples. 😉 And our whole purpose for being here is to bring Him and spread His glory. I have been thinking about you and meaning to call you! Hugs!!
I love this song! Every time I hear this song, I’m reminded that no matter what I do, I am to do it for His glory. It certainly puts things into perspective!
Between this post and Andie’s comment, I pretty much want to walk out the door right now, because I feel like what I’m doing is NOT significant. Filling this chair with my bum, mindlessly moving data is so inconsequential to the impact I could be having on my kiddos, day in and day out. You’re in the trenches Erin, you’re in the trenches and you got this mama.
Going back to work has been weighing heavy on my heart lately as well (I’ve been at home for almost 2 1/2 years). Mainly, because I am feeling increasingly overwhelmed and like I am failing at being a good mom. The terrible twos have knocked me on my butt, and I find myself thankful for a new beginning almost every day now. I wish it were fewer and far between. I have been losing my patience (lots of whining going on around here), and I really needed to read this to take a step back and breathe and realize that there is a bigger story, bigger picture and bigger purpose for my life. Thanks so much for writing this.
I’m sitting here with a baby drooling on my chest while reading this…spit up on my yoga pants…and crying…boy did I need this post today. Thank you.
gosh erin, your posts – no matter how challenging your circumstances may be, literally ooze your love for your family. this week has been stressful for me. i’ve been facing some of the same challenges you speak of – butting heads, discipline issues, the endless cleaning…but not so much of the giggling and cuddling. the irony is that the root of all of the “issues” and “conflict” is a desire to create a balanced family. my unwillingness to let things slide is a loving act. in my mind anyway. it’s ironic. what i desperately long for is a feeling of belonging and a sense of family (blended though it may be, but family nonetheless). instead, i feel like an outsider – and is some ways, i guess i am. it’s devastating. it’s hard keeping a sense of humor…let alone a sense of perspective about it all. in my best moments i know “why me”. why i have this particular family. and that although it’s not much fun lately and doesn’t feel very warm or fuzzy, it’s my family. most importantly, i know (and this may be the biggest challenge of all) – that it’s not really about me. your reminder that it’s all for His glory could not have come at a better time. keep being the amazing mom that you are, my friend. you inspire so many.
And I’m in tears. Thank you for sharing this Erin – the Lord knew my heart needed to read it to know I’m not alone!
Ha! As a mother I knew exactly to which Steven Curtis Chapman song you were referring! When I listen to the lyrics I just smile. My husband and I were just talking last night about how parenting is the hardest thing we’ve ever done. I hope all the praying I do for my girls will outweigh all the wrong moves I’ve made as a parent who’s learning along the way. Whew!
Erin I love this song!
I haven’t heard it before or if I had I hadn’t really listened to the lyrics before! This is so uplifting and I’m glad you’re feeling better. I had some rough couple of days with patience from battling Ryder and just typical 3 year old behavior as well as adjusting to Brynley’s new day routine now that she’s sleeping through the night. Whew!
Thanks for this insightful post 🙂
Laura